Second Chances...

apparently we all do deserve them

i'm terrified to talk about it too much for fear that it wasn't real but the last week of my life has been surprising, sweet, tender, romantic, fun and oh wait yeah BUSY...

if you work in the restaurant/catering industry this is the busiest week of the year and oh my lord have i been busting my behind... but it feels good that tired at the end of the day from working hard ~ i'm still surprised that people tell me that i'm good at this i just never saw it in my future... oh right back to the good stuff

i never saw a lot of things in my future that now seem to be... i feel safe and someone wants to take care of me just as much as i want to take care of them... and he knows everything ~ i mean EVERYTHING about me... 20 years is a long time to be friends with someone if it sustains all that life has to throw at you and all the distances and opposite paths but when you come together it just seems right and easy and comfortable well that says a lot i think...

i have to agree with him... 'If I screw this up, it'll be the biggest screw up of my life ever.' ~ and trust me we both have screwed up some stuff to this point so that is in fact saying a lot

so of course in true 'me' fashion... he has two cd's with him that he didn't have before... he's only listened to one ~ 'I like the first song. I remember hearing it on the radio it's good.'

Wave on Wave ~ Pat Green

'i wandered out into the water
and i thought that i might drown
i don't know what i was after
just know i was going down

and that's when she found me
not afraid anymore
she said "you know, i always had you, baby
just waitin for you to find what you were lookin for."

you came upon me wave on wave.
yu're the reason i'm still here yeah
am i the one you were sent to save?
it came upon me, wave on wave."

Godspeed ~ James Dungy

"Our Colts family is united in prayer and support for the Dungy family at this time," said Colts Owner and C.E.O. Jim Irsay. "

that is the only word to describe what the Dungy family is experiencing today ~ shortly after starting this blog a dear friend of mine lost her daughter and today a great man that i respect lost his son... as a mother... as a fan... my thoughts are prayers are with you Mr. Dungy and your family as you try and remember how to breathe and relearn all the basic things in life that must now seem surreal and insignificant...

Joke's Over...

now someone turn the heat back on please ~ 7 degrees BELOW zero ~ and here is the thing people actually CHOOSE to live here... that just seems well not right to me at all ~ this is definetly just a long layover on my life's journey and i'll not visit again unless temperatures are guaranteed above well freezing even i don't do cold... i don't like cold... hell i even let my beer get room temperature and still drink it happily

'Now we are ready for Texas'

says my five year old to my pop who was looking at me with a rather bewildered face as i unpacked the 10 koozies that came in one of the boxes that arrived today ~ i promise i'm not making this up...

apparently i only need three Brandon Jones koozies 'cause that is all that arrived... my coveted George's Bar koozie and my first ever koozie 'Keep Austin Weird' are safe and sound back in my possession

i promise everyone it TRULY is the little things that make all the difference

my new favorite song...

Where Did You Go ~ SouthFM

'... and when the world has taken all you have to give
i promise i won't say i told you so...'

check out SouthFM.com and especially the online journal... www.swallowingthepill.com

Paco is an incredible writer...

just 5 seriously...

limiting it is probably the hardest ~

Tag, I'm it! from Renee.... Five Weird Things About Me

1 ~ except for showering... i am never nude... just way too uncomfortable with my body for that

2 ~ i want to buy my daughter a drum set for Christmas... everyone else is trying to talk me out of it...

3 ~ i have this funky Rain Man numbers thing... i can't explain it really well but it's weird i promise

4 ~ i sleep with a 'character' pillowcase ~ Legolas and i love Love LOVE him

5 ~ i am extremely attractive to old ethnic men ~ not attracted to... i just get hit on by them A LOT

Tag... if you are reading this... YOU are it ;)

and i got my SouthFM cds today... YAYAYAYA!!!!!

The Game ~ SouthFM

'... you just said a mouthful i'm a handful...'

BRILLIANT!

'Do you like football?'

my friend asked my son the other day ~ 'Yeah i love football!' he says... 'Who is your favorite team?'....

'The horseshoe guys!'

that's MY boy....

it was a year ago today...

that i experienced the most devastating loss... the kind of thing you don't ever truly recover from... i miss him everyday... i do believe that he is in a better place... it is his light shining down on me that gives me strength on days when i truly have none... and i hope that when we meet again he will once again be able to say that he is proud of me and the path i walked for the balance of my time

a happy memory was that he enjoyed music as well and i would help him buy his concert tickets whenever he wanted to see a show... this fits from the last show i helped him get tickets for... he came back thrilled with the performance and just truly happy

Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters ~ Elton John and Bernie Taupin

'...until you've seen this trash can dream come true
you stand at the edge while people run you through
and i thank the Lord there's people out there like you
i thank the Lord there's people out there like you...'

apparently it has been burning forever..

this passion for music that i have... i just watched Kenny Rogers and Lionel Ritchie on Crossroads... totally forgot in recent years how much i love their music... i have done what i do today still my whole life ~ just listening... loving... absorbing each and every word ~ each and every note ~ oh and here is the song that reminded me when i heard it...

Sweet Music Man ~ by Kenny Rogers

Sing me a song sweet music man,
'Cause I won't be there to hold your hand
Like I used to,
I'm through with you
You touched my soul with your beautiful song
You even had me singing along right with you
You said "I needed you"
But then you changed the words and that harmony
And you sang that song you'd written for me
To someone new

But nobody sings a love song quite like you do,
And nobody else can make me sing along,
And nobody else can make me feel
That things are right when they're wrong,
Nobody sings a love song quite like you.

Sing me a song sweet music man,
Your making a living doing one night stands
That do for you what you need them to
Your still a hell of a singer but a broken man
And you surround yourself with people who demand
So little of you

But nobody sings a love song quite like you do,
And nobody else can make me sing along,
And nobody else can make me feel,
That things are right when they're wrong with a song,
Nobody sings a love song quite like you.

So sing me a song sad music man,
I believe in you

in spite of it all...

i do in fact still believe in people... that was pointed out to me today it's not really something that i have thought a lot about but its true ~ i mean i still believe in spite of everything that the father of my children and i could be friends which says a lot as most of you know

i do believe, maybe even blindly, that people do things with only the best of intentions and it takes well just short of a train wreck for me to see otherwise ~ if i care about someone i'll excuse away so much... often times things that are blatant and obvious but it's important ~ probably the most important thing in my world for me to believe that there is in fact good in everyone and that it just needs patience, kindness, caring, trust and saftey to bring it out...

i like this about me ~ i don't ever want to lose that

i'm a people person...

i enjoy being with other people... laughing... talking... hanging out... whatever ~ this alone thing most of the time might just break me ~ don't get me wrong i adore my children and am thrilled for the time that we have and all that we get to do but is it totally and completely selfish to need interaction with other grown ups?

sorry just had to vent... Carry On

11-0

is a B~E~A~utiful thing... HOWEVER... was the field goal truly necessary 'cause had you not gone for that i'd have won $100 and that would not have suk'd at all... lol

oh well football is a glorious thing and i've been a very happy girl so far this season!

oh and my song for today... not at all football related

Toy Store ~ O.A.R

'Hoping to find something better
at least better than what ya thought
so many aisles to venture down
so many choices you thought...'

i know i'm on a movie kick lately...

but finally again there are things worth watching and the lastest is not only no exception BUT the epitome of them all...

'Hi... I'm Johnny Cash' ~ and half an hour or so into I Walk The Line chill bumps and tears... oh my LORD... right for the second time... what a PHENOMEMAL movie

yes my dear Christy you are right... she loved him 'enough'


I Walk the Line ~ Johnny Cash

'As sure as night is dark and day is light
i keep you on my mind both day and night
and happiness i've known proves that it's right
because you're mine, i walk the line'

another thing i just LOVE...

Thanksgiving... may yours be blessed, may you be surrounded by peace, love and warmth...

i couldn't have predicted the events of the last year had i even attempted to last Thanksgiving... however looking back today ~ i think i've come out of it all a bit better than ok and to those that listened to me and held my hand through it all ~ Gage, Jocelyn, Heather, Eric, Brandon, Christy, Renee, Meg... i can NOT express to you enough the love that i have for you all or the strength that you gave me... i am truly blessed to be loved by each of you

i'm not at all sure why but this Folk song has always felt like Thanksgiving to me...

It's In Everyone of Us ~ David Pomerantz (best performed by John Denver and the Muppets)

It's in everyone of us
to be wise
find your heart
open up both your eyes,
we can all know everything
without ever knowing why,
it's in everyone of us
by and by ...

it's in everyone of us
i just remembered
it's like i been sleeping for years,
i'm not awake as i can be
but my seeing is better,
i can see ...
through the tears,
i've been realizing that,
i bought this ticket
and watching only half of the show,
there is scenery and lights
and a cast of thousands,
who all know
what I know,
and it's good
that it's so ..

it's in everyone of us
to be wise
find your heart
open up both your eyes,
we can all know everything
without ever knowing why,
it's in everyone of us
by and by,
it's in everyone of us
by and by..

a few reasons i just love LOTR...

'I was there the day the strength of men failed.' ~ Elrond

'I made a promise, Mr Frodo. A promise. Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee. And I don't mean to. I don't mean to. ' ~ Sam

'Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.' ~ Galadriel

'The Quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while the Company is true.' ~ Galadriel

'Come on Sam... Remember what Bilbo used to say: It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to... ' ~ Frodo

'I can't do this Sam.' ~ Frodo
'I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.' ~ Sam
'What are we holding on to Sam?' ~ Frodo
'That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo and it's worth fighting for.' ~ Sam

'I wonder if we'll ever be put into songs or tales.' ~ Sam
'What?' ~ Frodo
'I wonder if people will ever say, 'let's hear about Frodo and the Ring.' And they'll say 'yes, that's one of my favorite stories. Frodo was really courageous, wasn't he, Dad?' 'Yes, my boy, the most famousest of hobbits. And that's saying alot.' ~ Sam
' You left out one of the chief characters - Samwise the Brave. I want to hear more about Sam. Frodo wouldn't got far without Sam.' ~ Frodo
'Now Mr. Frodo, you shouldn't make fun; I was being serious.' ~ Sam
'So was I.' ~ Frodo
'Samwise the Brave...' ~ Sam

'I bring word from Lord Elrond of Rivendell. An Alliance once existed between Elves and Men. Long ago we fought and died together. We come to honor that allegiance.' ~ Haldir
'Mae govannen, Haldir. You are most welcome.' ~ Aragorn
'We are proud to fight alongside Men once more.' ~ Haldir

'Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers. I see in your eyes the same fear that will take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails. When we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields and when the age of me comes crashing down, but it is not this day. This day we fight. For all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you, stand Men of the West.' ~ Aragorn

'I never thought I'd die side by side with an Elf.' ~ Gimli
'What about side by side with a friend?' ~ Legolas
'Aye. I could do that.' ~ Gimli

'You can't help me anymore.' ~ Frodo
'You can't mean that.' ~ Sam
'Go home.' ~ Frodo

'Don't go where I can't follow.' ~ Sam

'It's me. It's your Sam. Don't you know your Sam?' ~ Sam

'I will not say, "Do not weep," for not all tears are evil.' ~ Gandalf

'No my friends... you bow to no one' ~ Aragorn

'I'm glad to be with you, Samwise Gamgee... here, at the end of all things' ~ Frodo



ok i could watch those three movies over and over... for always... we all should be so lucky to have our very own Sam

'Dark and difficult times lie ahead....'

'... Soon we must all face the choice between what is right... and what is easy. ' Albus Dumbledore

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is FANTASTIC and that doesn't even come close to describing it... edge of your seat... holding your breath... amazed... aweinspired...

i keep waiting for them to mess it all up ~ well i'll say this i still believe the Prisoner of Azkaban could have been done a bit better... but i'm not budgeting or storyboarding or any of that... i know nothing about movie making perhaps it wasn't possible i don't know... i doubt it but anyway ~ if you were at all disappointed or concerned that the movies were taking a turn ~ rest assured this one was handled perfectly

the next one ~ i say it every time... not sure how they will be able to do the next one and make it as fabulous... and i love sharing these with my daughter especially now she's almost growing with Harry and with each year as the subject gets darker she also has matured so her appreciation for all the trials this young man faces and overcomes is right on task

what a great way to spend the day...

Someday I want...

to be picked last for the team... and asked first to the prom by someone who wants to go with me ~ sophomore year i was asked to the prom BUT it was only because the girl he wanted to go with had a boyfriend and there was a plot of ditching dates... etc very VERY high school b.s ~ i said yes then when i realized what was going on... cancelled and went to the beach

slightly juvenile analogy but the question of who i was in high school... 'bring your yearbook' has been tossed around at work... UMM NO not gonna do that but in the context of the rest of my life this fits

i have never had a problem fitting in... always been 'one of the guys' and can hold my own on any kind of playing field... i just can't dance

but that doesn't mean i don't want to be asked and i'm even gonna be this particular ~ i want to be the first choice and not a backup plan

People, Places and Things... I Love

i'm borrowing this...

People ~

my Jordan and my Jake... without them i would not truly understand what it means to love

my parents... they don't like me very much but through it all they do love me

heather... my forever friend ~ the fact that any one person has bothered to make sure they know where i am for the last 19 years or so, well that in itself is a blessing and has been a task

my grandparents... i'm a constant source of entertainment for them and they are an education for me... i'm truly blessed

joe, shannon and becca... the three who called me 'mom' first and taught me how to be one to my babies

tina... for sharing her three babies with me and for holding my hand through growing pains

gage... for not ever leaving me alone and always making sure that i'm alright

i have a family of people that i share no blood with... but we have proven to each other that no matter what and through it all... we are solid and i love them very much

Places...

the rock in the back yard

the middle of the hill

in front of the fireplace

the right side of the front window at 1156 Buena Vista

any venue where an artist i adore is playing

Austin

Virginia Beach

in a strong hug

Things...

my truck

guitars

MUSIC

kolaches

cigarettes

fuzzy socks

Football

text messages

Ok... probably not a complete list... but the most important things for sure

Everything is all right...

with the world for now...let's hope this lasts for awhile 'cause i was feeling a bit like someone overturned NYC Landfill on top of me and asked me to sort through it

i love my job... my kids enjoy school, are doing well, are excited for snow and winter... i've made some new friends and we've had some fun... more good times to be had i'm sure

those i love the most are starting to feel like their worlds are finding peace and order as well... so my level of worry and concern is diminishing ~ i don't feel guilty for laughing or smiling anymore...

i don't by any means have it all figured out yet... but i'm comfortable again with the direction and i can feel the footing ~ i'm still loved truly for me... what a blessing that is

thank the Lord for the Talents of Mr. Pat Green and Blue October without which i would have stayed lost and never found my way

Wave On Wave ~ Pat Green

'i wondered out into the water
and i thought that i might drown
i dunno what i was after
i just know i was going down

that's when she found me
i'm not afraid anymore
she said ~ you know I always had you baby,
just waitin for you to find what you were looking for

you came upon me wave on wave,
you're the reason i'm still here
am i the one you were sent to save,
you came upon me wave on wave....'

Independently Happy ~ Blue October

'i wipe the slate clean
i kick the daydream
and remain independently happy...'

'Does he recognize you?'

'Because you chase him all over the country so you would think he probably does'

i don't chase him... however if he is in close proximity to me ~ five hour car ride each way being the outer limits to date ~ then i'm there and happy... you don't have to ask me to smile ~ getting me to stop might be a problem

and last night i was in the Green Glow with my beautiful daughter and my meg ~ dream come true stuff (that's the second dream this year for me to realize... as taking Jordan with Maureen was dream number one ~ when the opportunity to see the man with both my children in Texas with those i love the most... well that just about be the pinnacle of my existence)

and he just has this way of making me believe that through every single trial and tear... i am in fact going to be ok 'cause... "If you live your life up on a shelf you got no one to blame but your own damn self..." and "Who are you to judge me anyway" and "Damn right I sure am happy... this crazy piece of life that i found..."

i introduced a new friend to Pat's music last night and during 'Texas On My Mind' she said to me... 'Ok he makes me want to just pick it all up and move to Texas!'

UH~HUH... see that's what i'm talking about and exactly what i've been saying... all in good time my friends all in good time

Electoral College vs. Popular Vote...

i sat and ate a bowl of cereal and watched the coverage regarding this important but slightly confusing issue... it was important five years ago today as there was some confusion as to who exactly was elected the next President of these United States...

i went and took a shower... while in the shower my ex-husband came in the bathroom and asked how i was feeling ~ my response was i'm sick to my stomach terrifed ~ more so than with Jordan he asked... oh no not about the baby... this election thing is freaking me out... only you would be concerned with that more than being induced to have your son he said

i don't know how true that was but i was more concerned that morning with who would take over the leadership of our nation than i was about bringing my son into this world ~ i knew that no matter what there would just be more love in my life

and so we went to the hospital and at 8am they hooked up the iv and almost 11 hours later my beloved baby boy was placed on my chest for about a second then rushed off to the nursery as he wasn't breathing properly and there was some concern about his heart...

you spend nine months doing everything they tell you ~ you give up your body to this little being... making sure that only good, healthy things go into it... rest all that you can... regular check ups and reassurances that all is progessing as it should and then in less than an instant you are given the worst possible news and you slowly feel your own heart start to break...

fortunately it was just a minor issue that time and oxygen healed... although it's why i am much more careful with him now that i ever was with his sister and why i have nightmares of him passing out on the soccer field or basketball court and leaving me ~ irrational i'm sure but the fear was placed in me that morning

so Happy Birthday to my baby boy ~ i'm blessed to be your mom and to be loved by you

Beautiful Baby Boy ~ Yoko Ono and John Lennon

'out on the ocean, sailing away,
i can hardly wait to see you come of age
but I guess we'll both just have to be patient.
'cause it's a long way to go,
a hard row to hoe,
yes, it's a long way to go but in the meantime.

before you cross the street, take my hand,
life is what happens to you
while you're busy making other plans

beautiful... beautiful... beautiful... beautiful boy'

So day 1...

and the kids came home with me 'cause they missed me after less than 24 hours away from me... maybe that should make me feel good ~ i feel like a failure... i've wanted so much for them to know that their dad loves them and yet they still choose me

he loves them so much in the way that he knows how ~ i wish i knew how to explain that to them so that maybe they could help him out of the dark place that he lives... their light could shine for him and help him heal maybe

i need noise...

and light ~ it can be artificial light but it truly is something i need...

apparently this isn't something that everyone needs... some people prefer quiet and darkness ~ i can't relate to that at all

my kids and i are loud and playful and me asking them to keep the noise down ~ ok obviously there are times when it's not appropriate... we differentiate and that is not at all what i'm referring too ~ anyway our time is supposed to be from 4ish until they get ready for bed to be loud and silly and have fun...

this environment is a bit stifling and i'm starting to feel claustrophobic ~ i can't do anything about it at all but just getting it out ~ well that helps

oh and warmth... yes i enjoy being warm ~ it's going to be a long winter but i've got a really cute jacket and my truck has seat heaters

i'm gonna see Pat in seven wake ups... that will be loud... and he sheds so much light on my life and warms my heart so that doesn't suk at all

he could sing this... that would make me really REALLY happy

You Gotta Know ~ Pat Green

'... you gotta know
there ain't nothing about money
that's ever gonna save your soul
and the dreams of the young
have never been nothing
but the last requests of the old
heaven is a fiddle on a late night radio
you can't find redemption
brother if you got no soul...
you gotta know...'

'...and i'll try to sleep...'

'... to keep you in my dreams so i can bring you home with me ~ and i'll try to sleep and keeping you in my dreams...'

that gets me every single time ~ seriously the most beautiful song in my opinion...

18th Floor Balcony ~ Blue October

'i close my eyes
and i smile knowing that everything's alright
to the core close that door
is this happening...

my breath is on your hair i'm unaware
that you opened the blinds and let the city in
dark... you held my hand
as we stand taking in everything

and i knew it from the start
so my arms are opened wide
and your head is on my stomach
and we're trying so hard not to fall asleep
but here we are on this 18th floor balcony
we're both flying away...

we talked about moms and dads
about family pasts
getting to know where we came from
our hearts were on display
for all to see
i can't believe this is happening to me

i raised my hands as if to show you that i was yours
that i was so yours for the taking
and i'm still so yours for the taking
that's when i felt the wind pick up
i grabbed the rail while choking up
these words to say, and then you kissed me....

yeah i knew it from the start
so my arms are open wide
your head is on my stomach and we're
we're trying so hard not to fall asleep
here we are on this 18th floor balcony

i knew it from the start
my arms are open wide
your head is on my stomach
and we're trying to hard not to fall asleep
on this 18th floor balcony
we're both flying away...

and i'll try to sleep
to keep you in my dreams
so i can bring you home with me ~
and i'll try to sleep and keeping you in my dreams

i knew it from the start
my arms are open wide
your head is on my stomach
we're not going to sleep
here we are ~ on this 18th Floor Balcony

Ryan... make it snow'

*sigh*

'thank you for sharing this heart with us... thank you for sharing this heart with us'

i just love Love LOVE... Blue October right now more than ever even

Because he liked me…

not to get all 'Sally Field' ~ but truly… I’ve always known that those that are legally required to do so… love me ~ however I’m not very well liked or understood by any of them and that’s understandable I’m not like them at all and never have been…

then came this man that asked me very specfically ‘Lori, besides your kids… what are you passionate about?’ and when I told him he listened… he more than listened actually he wanted me to share my passion with him ~ this isn’t sexual just for the record…

anyway ~ I made him a cd… I told him my stories of the shows that I would go to… and again he listened and shared in my enthusiasm and encouraged me to always follow my passions with extreme fervor as life is short and should be lived

he did live ~ truly lived his life and he was taken from us much too soon and I miss him everyday and I want him back because too much was left unsaid, unrepaired, unforgiven, unthanked…

it’s quite possible that in his passing he may again give me the gift to be able to follow my dreams with a clean slate ~ I’ve been told that I should in fact allow this to happen and I’m probably going to… and I only hope that he will always look down and be proud of how I’m living my life…

My truck has arrived!!!!

... and you'd have thought i was going home to see my long lost love with the butterflies i had in my stomach ~ it's more than just a truck at this point it's a symbol that i did in fact have this other life at one time ~ it wasn't all just some insane dream...

i had some of the best real conversations this weekend that i've had in quite sometime ~ although i'm in need of face time... the phone is a fabulous thing but it's just not the same at all... anyway we laughed, cried, found out that we have more in common (which i just didn't think possible) and just helped each other feel whole again ~ not sure if he knew he was doing that for me and i know he doesn't think he's anywhere near whole yet... but baby steps ~ that's what it's all about

so i'm going to take my little 'Thomas the Train' and my 'Charmed Vampire' out Trick or Treating tonight in my truck

oh, Oh, OH... when i got in... THIS was playing... talk about PERFECT

Light on the Stage ~ Cory Morrow

'... i took my last dollar made some change and i called a friend
he said thats no problem pal you know we'd love to take you in
so he helped me through my trials with some peace from the lord above
next thing i know i'm on the stage doing everything that i'd dreamed of
now it seems that i am the light on the stage...'
Now it seems that we are the lights on the stage

My smile yesterday...

came from running into ~ almost literally ~ my bestfriend from High School... we haven't seen each other in over five years and being back has obviously made me think a lot about him...

The two of us got ourselves into some of the dumbest situations two people could come up with ~ however we never got in trouble and we always ended up laughing like crazy when it was over... I have missed him and wondered where in this big world the Army had taken him ~ well turns out here ~ he's a recruiter and will spend the last five years of his enlistment before retiring here in town so we have promised to get together soon and catch up... his son and mine are the same age how great it would be if the next generation walked a similar path as ours and they grew to be great friends as well...

After our sophomore year we went to camp together... my favorite song that summer ~ drove him crazy 'cause he had to hear it over and over and OVER again... which reminds me at camp we played the largest game of duck, duck, goose ever and the clutz i am fell well we hadn't had a lot of rain that summer so the grass was dry... i more slid than fell i guess and it took all the skin off my leg ~ the nurse at the camp took me to the local hospital ~ i know but it was really that bad ~ i got back later that night and he was there playing this song waiting for me and worried...

Take It To the Limit ~ Eagles

"and when you’re looking for your freedom
nobody seems to care
and you can’t find the door
can’t find it anywhere
when there’s nothing to believe in
still you’re coming back, you’re running back
you’re coming back for more

so put me on a highway
and show me a sign
and take it to the limit one more time"

Phrases that make me squirm...

'How are you?' ~ ever notice that most don't pay attention to the answer or really wanted to know to begin with

'Fine' ~ a cop out answer.... what exactly does that mean and there is usually a lot of negativity behind it if you really listen

'Sure' ~ no, no, no... please it's so very non-committal

'Sorry' ~ the singular most over used word in my opinion and not truly meant most of the time it's said

'It's gonna be ok...' ~ the dreaded ok a very good friend pointed out that ok isn't cutting it and don't we deserve to be better than ok

'I love you' ~ the power of those three words has been reduced drastically in my world ~ for the most part there are very few that use them that i actually believe... there are some that when they say it i remember exactly the date, time, minute, circumstances, etc... because even though i know for so many other reasons that they do love me... it is not something i hear often from them ~ it used to be such a sacred thing to tell someone you love them... now ~ well another friend who articulates much better than i do said it best... 'We are in a world of watered down i love you's' ~ and think about this ~ if that's true ~ what do you say to the one that makes you feel like the world is new again and all is going to be shinier, sweeter, warmer, prettier, livelier... etc you get my point i think

OAR was in my player today and this hit a chord with me... so after being a bit preachy... here you go

Ran Away To the Top of the World Today ~ OAR

'well i've been thinking and losing lots of sleep
my life is getting longer, winter snow come kinda deep
but i keep my feet on strong, i’m moving right along
but i haven’t seen a thing, so that’s all I can know

'cause i don't know nothing, and y’all don't know a thing
but if we just keep on listening, together we'll sing'

and so it begins...

i was awakened this morning by 'Oh My Goodness... I can't believe my eyes ~ what is ~ is that really SNOW?'

and truly so glad to have my four year old's perspective otherwise... well UGH comes to mind

Because I've lost touch...

with me so here we go...

1. i was born in New England.
2. a small town in Massachusetts
3. i lived in Vermont until i was 18
4. i grew up in Virginia
5. got my heart broke in California
6. was made whole again in Texas
7. i have hazel eyes
8. i don't like them ~ that's not a color
9. i've never had a nickname but those who are closest call me Lor
10. i trust too easily
11. until you burn me... then i'll never trust you again
12. i never capitalize i ~ it's a self esteem thing i'm sure
13. i used to be really fat
14. i was hiding
15. now i’m cold
16. i gave birth to the two people i have the most fun with
17. one of my most favorite things to do walk in the woods
18. with my dog
19. i am consistently 30 minutes late ~ except to work
20. if you really want to understand me listen to my iPod
21. i love soap operas... my life seems manageable in comparison
22. i'm living "in love"
23. but i'll never marry again
24. and i am fine with that.
25. i need music more than food, as much as air or water
26. until five months ago i didn’t think i needed another human being
27. now that need terrifies me
28. i’ve been a disappointment to every person that has ever cared about me
29. i’m trying to fix that now
30. it’s the hardest thing i’ve ever done
31. Archie Bunker makes me laugh.
32. Justin Furstenfeld makes me feel alive.
33. Harry Chapin makes me cry
34. Pat Green makes me smile
35. Rob Thomas keeps me sane
36. Walt Wilkins makes me feel understood.
37. Stoney Larue makes me feel naked.
38. Bleu Edmondson sings my song.
39. he didn’t even know me when he wrote it
40. i say i don’t like sports ‘cause i can’t handle the heartbreak that accompanies being a sports fan
41. i don’t like food
42. yet i love serving others their food
43. i like beer
44. i like to smoke ~ i know i’m sorry but i’m being honest
45. i can’t dance
46. i love to sing
47. but not in public
48. i am a true Gemini
49. the Full Moon makes me MORE hyper
50. i have only truly felt home in two places in my life
51. neither are where i live
52. i am very lucky that my forever friend loves me ~ in spite of me
53. i took medication to try and calm a monster inside me
54. i think it fed it
55. now i calm the monster inside me
56. most of the time
57. for the first time in my life i have real ‘girlfriends’
58. i miss them every day
59. i don’t think i’ll ever want to go to college
60. i am terrified of islands
61. before the tsunami i always called it an irrational fear
62. i love to read
63. i don’t get to do it enough
64. i’m jealous of those who write well
65. when i’m frustrated i have a terrible time articulating my feelings
66. i have days where i trip over the air in the room
67. i have days where i walk on air
68. i’d rather always just always feel the ground firm beneath my feet
69. i used to think my passion for music was unnatural
70. i know that i was wrong
71. i wish some of those around me would understand that
72. i’ve been told by too many that i have nice feet
73. i don’t like people looking at my feet or any other part of me for that matter
74. they are average and they are real
75. no NOT my feet
76. Green is my favorite color ~ every shade
77. Red is unnerving
78. i assign colors to everything
79. i can give advice but only if I think you’ll really hear it
80. i should take most of my own advice
81. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday
82. St. Patrick’s Day is a very close second
83. i don’t like Christmas at all
84. Clay Pigeons is the most real song i’ve heard in a long time
85. i have no patience
86. Gage is really good at being a best friend
87. i’m glad he picked me
88. Caller Id is the best invention of the modern era
89. i like to drive
90. long distances with the music up loud to clear my head
91. i am not at all crafty
92. i like doing laundry
93. i don’t like doing dishes
94. i work out hard because in my life the shape of my body is all I feel in control of
95. i live in Vermont again
96. i’m grateful that I have a place to live where I am safe
97. i have no life here
98. i will leave again
99. i want to live in Texas
100. and not just for the music

It's stopped raining...

after something like 15 days mind you ~ the sun is shining, there is tons of blue sky....


AND THE ASTROS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES

a coincidence ~ i think not

"Some kind of light at the end..."

March will not be here fast enough and I'm not one to wish time away... but seriously this new album is going to be fabulous ~ if you read my blog and don't know Blue October ~ i believe you will after this release...

this is from 'You Make Me Smile' ~ and they i fact do make me smile, dance, cry

"Could you be the one who's not afraid
To look me in the eye
I swear that I'd collapse
If I told you, how I think you fell
From the sky"

Kingdom of Heaven

is just beautiful ~ if you like epic pictures... ones that make you think and feel... i recommend this one... and Orlando Bloom for over two hours just doesn't hurt either ~

"What man is a man who does not make the world better?" ~ Balian of Ibelin

I'm bored...

and tired with not a lot to say... so stealing this from two of my favorite women in the world...

Current Last and First

CURRENT
current mood: see blog title
current music: something Blue or Bleu or Green
current clothing: sweats
current hair: bedhead
current food: not hungry lately NO appetite really at all
current drink: COKE ZERO
current smell: Ginger and Citrus
current worry: no worries
current annoyance: no call waiting
current hate: five thirty
current love: MUSIC
current crush: cans for recycling
current obsession: socks
current wish: Peace... all kinds
current longing: warmth
current plans for tonight: Kingdom of Heaven and sleeping (see above)
current thing you should be doing: treadmill... it can wait 'til i'm done
current regret: None... look only forward never back
current lyric stuck in head: "... hate me for all the things i didn't do for you...' ~ Blue October
current book: "Second Summer of the Sisterhood" by Ann Brashares
current favorite book: "The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe" by C.S. Lewis
current TV show you're watching: none
current favorite band: Blue October
current favorite movie: Spanglish
current person you're talking to: no one
current avoidance: Chocolate
current jewelry: my middle finger ring, my thumb ring, my affirmation charm necklace and my Breathe bracelet and my YOLO bracelet

LAST
last movie watched: As Good As it Gets
last tv show watched: part of the Astros game
last cd listened to: Jason Boland and the Stragglers Live a Billy Bob's
last thing eaten: Peanut Butter and Fluff
last item you bought: Ice Cream for my kids
last store you went to: downtown General Store
last person talked to: Jake
last thing you said: "I'm gonna go upstairs and lie down, come get me if you need anything."
last ice cream eaten: Blue Bell's Praline Pecan or something like that... i don't remember the exact name
last soda drank: Coke Zero
last person you called: Daniel
last person that called you: the kid's dad
last time showered: Yesterday morning
last shoes worn: Black Merrell's
last website visited: www.ceruleanblue.blogspot.com
last cry: last Wednesday... all day... too much freakin DRAMA
last relationship: don't want to talk about it
last person told secret to: Meg

FIRST
first memory: playing with a clown punching bag in footed pajamas
first best friend: Heather Husted she still lives near here but i haven't seen or talked to her in 13 years
first boyfriend/girlfriend: oh my lord... Joel
first breakup: See above
first job: packing candy at the sugar house with my pop
first self purchased item: i'm sure it was an album
first funeral: Karl's last December
first love: Jordan... she taught me true unconditional love
first credit card: Visa
first time on a plane: Going to the Jersey shore with first bestfriend the summer i was 10
first time out of the country: Canada in 7th Grade i think... i may have been before that even
first detention: Middle School.. what a rebel... got it for chewing gum in class
first fight: if you mean physical... i've never really been in one
first enemy: Melanie was just really mean in elementary
first kiss: seriously don't remember... that kind of sux... lol

"Sometimes you need..."

"... to mend the fences of your mind." ~ Jason Boland

yes you in fact do... and your music has helped me in that process of my own ~ sending up prayers for you and yours in your time of reflection, regrouping and repair.

Definition of a good weekend...

Lunch with one of my best friends...

a great dinner shift...

a FABULOUS lunch shift...

Colts win

Astros win

Cowboys win...

ok... it's all good right now!

I'm just not confrontational...

and there is in fact a reason ~ i suck at it... i'd much rather be frustrated and angry but keep it to myself than feel like i'm hurting someone no matter who they are... i've now confronted two people in the last year because it was important to someone i love... you would think i'd get better at it but no... not so much ~ that nasty ill feeling still shows up

i have lost something special now because of the recent confrontation ~ a home i once had now feels uncomfortable and i know that i'm just not welcome anymore... as with all things in my life i never stay anywhere too long ~ i come away with a lot of positives i believe and i'll visit occasionally i'm sure there are many things that are still extremely important to me... but i will not be the fixture that i once was

i watched House of D today ~ GREAT FLICK... the idea that if you love something set it free... especially if you know the loved one is going somewhere you can't follow and you don't want to hold them back ~ that hit close to my heart...

Sweet Melissa ~ written by the Allman Brothers performed fabulously by Stoney Larue

'Crossroads, seem to come and go, yeah.
the gypsy flies from coast to coast
knowing many, loving none,
Bearing sorrow havin’ fun...'

I thought this was interesting...

You are - Lestat!
Your fun-loving and adventurous ways have gotten
you into more than a few mishaps. You can be
perceived as a pedantic person but these are
just your ways. You're extremly generous to
those you love, and are always ready to give
people second chances.


Which Anne Rice Vampire are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Random Good News ~

i will have my truck here in about three weeks!!! Those of you that know me well know that not having my own car has been making me positively crazy ~ and proof i do in fact have a song for everything....

Rusty Old American Dream ~ Pat Green 'still runnin...' lol

'this car needs a young man to own him
one who will polish the chrome
i'll give you the rest of my lifetime
just don't let me die here alone
just jump me some juice to my battery
give that old starter a spin
here rust sputter, back fire to the carborator
and run me to life here once again...'

i don't much like the 'young man' reference, i take extremely good care of my truck... lol

Ever notice the peace...

that shines on the face of someone of faith... they can be Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, Muslim, Celtic... whatever but if they truly have faith their inner peace just shines through ~ they walk their path and their steps are lighter, their smiles are truer, its because they have figured it out

'Faith don't need no second opinion, you ain't gotta do nothing friends you just have to believe...' ~ Tom Skinner

i heard a song on the radio yesterday ~ a) i can count the times i actually have the radio on in the last year on one hand and b) normally it's a song i roll my eyes at 'cause it got OVER PLAYED... however when i flicked the scan button ~

'don't let some hell bent heart
leave you bitter
when you come close to selling out
reconsider
give the heavens above
more than just a passing glance'

i needed to hear exactly THAT and i think i did actually hear it for the first time ~ so the current plan for the one that doesn't plan... turning everything over and putting faith in the fact that i am on the right path and even thought 'i can't see past my headlights... that'll still get me where i'm going'

So now I'm supposed to leave...

right ~ not sure my feet will remember how to move... or that my chest is ready to be hollow again 'cause my heart stays behind everytime

this has got to change

If It Weren't For You ~ Walt Wilkins

'...i've been known to shout about things I know nothing about
i let stuff slip off my tongue that should never get out
spent a thousand nights feeling born to lose
and I still might believe it if it weren't for you'

Are you having fun...

every time i talk to someone they ask me that... before i start ~ YES absolutely i am... but you might not be able to tell if i gave you the run down of my day.

FIRST ~ Joc and Clay's wedding... Fabulous ~ i don't much believe in forever or happy endings but it's starting to change i think ~ this is the second marriage this year that i do believe in so there you go

anyway back to my first point ~ i'm not here this time for music ~ although there will be some... i'm not here for sightseeing or eating too much or running around taking it all in until i'm overfull... i was overfull when i got here ~ and my bestfriend said 'Let us take care of you for awhile.'

i've read two full books and am on my third... we are trying to figure out Lost... i've had a mango martini... i've watched a rather disappointing football game, but it helped break the ice with someone that i needed to feel comfortable with... i have slept ~ long and hard in a home where i feel safe and comfortable... i've been alone with my thoughts to truly take in all that has gone on in the last three weeks and to start sorting it out ~ we've giggled and argued... there have been baby pictures and silly stories of times gone by

i came here needing to breathe and unwind ~ i left my babies in the best possible hands outside of my own and put myself in the hands of one of the ones that i trust the most and i know understands without a lot of words being passed ~ the earth isn't spinning as fast as it was six days ago and for that i am extremely grateful

For my Brother ~ Blue October (or in my case... my best friend)

'...believe you can shine when you're silver
and i promise you gold.
and whenever you're dark inside,
don't let go, no don't let go
remember there's rain
and there's candy
and Christmasy winter snow.
and remember, i love you the same
and i'll strangle your pain

and he tells me to sing
so i sing, and i sing
for my brother who keeps me sane,
and tells me "everything will be o.k." '

City of Joy...

is another must see movie in my opinion...

'... the Gods don't make it easy to be a human being...' ~ Hasari to Max

'No but I think that's why it feels so damn good when you beat the odds.' Max's response

BRILLIANT!

this rollercoaster i'm on... needs to end for awhile ~ i am in serious need for a ride on a merry go round maybe for a change...


One ~ U2

'did I ask too much? more than a lot
you gave me nothing, now it's all I got
we're one, but we're not the same
well we hurt each other
then we do it again
you say love is a temple
love a higher law
you ask me to enter
but then you make me crawl
and I can't be holding on
to what you got
when all you got is hurt...'

and after dealing with all that the last week... there is a calm in a friendly place that gives me hope

i say it all the time ~ i am blessed with true love by amazing friends ~ UNCONDITIONAL REAL LOVE... thank you for that

I am in fact ready...

for some football... however not sure who this is that is trying to do what Rob Thomas does perfectly with Santana... but he needs to go ~ NOW

Smooth ~ Santana featuring Rob Thomas

'Give me your heart... make it real... or just forget about it...'

'You are so beautiful...

and such a great attitude. How could anyone ever be mean to you?' ~ and he was genuine when he asked it was not a pick up line at all... it got me to thinking ~ not that i believe i'm beautiful and my attitude can suk occasionally ~ but he has a point and that is exactly why it feels impossible to ever truly believe in a forever kind of love for me again...

see if i care about you and believe in you... it's real and it's true ~ sometimes to a fault because it will take a lot for me to see what others sometimes see so plainly... i can excuse away just about anything if i love someone and i will in fact let you hurt me time and time again before feeling the pain because i don't believe that someone that i care about would ever hurt me as i never would hurt them...

now i go forward with so much caution that even the ones closest to me that have remained true... i doubt too often ~ when once i would take everything on blind faith... i almost look for deception... now that i'm conscience of this i'm going to try and not be so cynical about everything... there was a time when i wasn't and i miss that

this is not a song that i typically would like but i have ever since the first time i heard it and today i think i understand why...

Beautiful ~ Christina Aquilera

'every day is so wonderful
then suddenly it's hard to breathe
now and then i get insecure
from all the pain i'm so ashamed

i am beautiful no matter what they say
words can't bring me down
i am beautiful in every single way
yes words can't bring me down
so don't you bring me down today...'

the ache in my heart…

and stomach are back again ~ the tears too... AND they showed up early this year even… the pictures from New Orleans reminding me too much of the devastation on that horrific day in 2001 ~ i feel it hard again this year i’m sure because of all that has gone on with me and in our world the last few months that my emotions are running high

in the past i’ve baked and cooked and brought things to our local fire department to say… Thank You... i haven’t forgotten and you are appreciated ~ i’ve tried to give blood… i am not physically able to… this year i feel at a bit of a loss… most of what i have has been given to Good Will or the Salvation Army so I take comfort in the timing on that… money i guess however it just doesnt feel like I’m doing enough to write a check or donate my change or however… i don’t know that there is an enough for me anyway

i keep waiting for it to fade... i didn't lose anyone... i wasn't there... directly my life was not affected ~ but yet my entire outlook was changed and truly i have not forgotten

i understand why they stayed...

when i lived in Virginia there were numerous times that we were told ~ you better leave but it's like that fairy tale ~ the little boy who cried wolf ~ how many times were they told in the past to leave... it's gonna be terrible then nothing or if something certainly not the devastation that we have seen ~ so why are so many judging and condemning...

i have to wonder if it's because those that are judging have never been in the postion to feel that no matter how bad the storm... there really are no alternatives that feel viable so riding it out just makes sense ~ i know that feeling

my heart... my head... my prayers... what money i can give is with all of those people that are lost and have nothing left ~ i understand maybe not quite on the scale... but i truly do

You'll Never Walk Alone ~ Rogers & Hammerstein

when you walk through a storm
hold your head up high
and don't be afraid of the dark.
at the end of a storm is a golden sky

and the sweet silver song of a lark.
walk on through the wind,
walk on through the rain,
though your dreams be tossed and blown.

walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
and you'll never walk alone,
you'll never, ever walk alone.
walk on, walk on with hope in your heart


and you'll never walk alone,
you'll never, ever walk alone.

i love this stuff....

this is me... what's your card?

I am The Empress The Empress can refer to any aspect of Motherhood. She can be an individual mother, but as a major arcana card, she also goes beyond the specifics of mothering to its essence - the creation of life and its sustenance through loving care and attention. The Empress can also represent lavish abundance of all kinds. She offers a cornucopia of delights, especially those of the senses - food, pleasure and beauty. She can suggest material reward, but only with the understanding that riches go with a generous and open spirit. The Empress asks you to embrace the principle of life and enjoy its bountiful goodness. For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com

What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate. Month: Day: Year:

One down...

and one to go ~ put my baby girl on the bus... her choice ~ she could sleep an extra hour and let me take her but she wants to ride the bus... little socialite... wonder who she gets that from...lol

my baby boy ~ my BABY... is bathed, dressed and eating Cheerios waiting ~ not so patiently ~ to go to school for his very first day...

not sure where that leaves me for the rest of the afternoon ~ waiting ~ not so patiently for them to come home and tell me every detail i guess... i miss them when they aren't with me

how far we've come my son and i since the first time he said... well sang actually the first thing i recognized and knew for sure was what he was trying to communicate to me... today it seems appropriate...

My Sacrifice by Creed

'when you are with me
i’m free…i’m careless…i believe
above all the others we’ll fly
this brings tears to my eyes
my sacrifice....'

"She laughed and said..."

"it's better sometimes if we don't get to touch our dreams..." ~ Sequel by Harry Chapin ~ and today it rings true for me as i have touched my dreams and today they feel unattainable, i know of course that they aren't and that patience is key ~ i'm not good at that... so again another lesson that i am trying very hard to learn in my quest for independence and happiness ~ but damn does it have to be so hard i mean seriously i supported him while he chased his dreams for so many years... shouldn't there at least be a consolation prize at the end of it all for me ~ oh well how easily they forget how they got to where they are... i promise i won't do that i will remember forever every kind word, every shoulder, every hand up ~ i will remember it all forever and make sure that those that are carrying me now know that i am forever in their debt...

Perspective...

i got some yesterday ~ 'You make the best chocolate milk shakes i've ever had'

a little girl told me that last night ~ she was with her parents and they were my first customers in the restaurant... i had a day with too much time in my own head and was happy to go to work to get out of it for a bit and this precious child with bangs she had recently trimmed herself looked at me with her baby browns and the biggest smile and said that...

SLAM ~ world is set right again... for me it's really that simple and all i need ~ i don't need sofas, brass beds, pots and pans, etc... give em all to GoodWill

slowly but surely piece by piece i am building my new life and she reminded me of that just when i needed it...

In Your Time ~ Bob Segar

'feel the wind and set yourself the bolder course
keep your heart as open as a shrine
you’ll sail the perfect line

and after all
the dead ends and the lessons learned
after all the stars have turned to stone
there’ll be peace across the great unbroken void
all benign in your time
you’ll be fine...in your time'

What a difference a week makes...

so here i am ~ and here i'm staying for awhile... i'm still spinning and feeling a little ill about everything but when i find the occasional breath ~ it's fresh ~ so i do know that when the dust settles it will all be ok

Independantly Happy ~ Blue October

'i wipe the slate clean,
i kick that daydream
and remain independently happy...'

dear diary...

'cause that is what this is really...

so i realized something today ~ that funny thing i've been feeling for the last year and a half or so... my heart ~ the shock is a bit overwhelming... i thought for sure he descrated it and that i would never feel it again ~ nope it's there for sure

am i scared ~ umm yeah... no wait ~~~~ YES ~~~~

but that is what i believe God for today... the strength to feel my heart again

and a few other random realizations

there is a smile that makes my world alright ~ i do pray for someone more than i pray for myself ~ and my spirit is completely filled again

uh-oh ~ this could be terrible i realize but for this moment right now... i'm ok... i sort of said all of that outloud and did not in fact spontaneously combust ~ my meg you must be proud! calling on you and joc to be there to pick up the pieces of me when i fall apart from all of this ;)

ok ~ that's enough ~ and in case you missed any of what i'm talking about here...

Diary of a Mad Black Woman ~ FABULOUS movie

and in the words of Jason Boland when introducing this song... 'one of the finest songs i've heard...'

Finelines ~ Stoney Larue

'waking up means feeling good
and i thank you...'

Vegas or Omaha ~

either works if you are with the right people... you can have just as much fun in one or the other ~ in fact Vegas isn't even a challenge... who can't have fun in Vegas seriously...

it really doesn't matter, i'm thrilled once again that a smile has been found in a little thing... just a thought even ~ it's the little things i PROMISE ~ i'm truly the luckiest girl in the world and i keep forgetting that

Big Blue Sea ~ Bob Schneider...

'and its days like this that burn me
turn me inside out and learn me
not to tell you anything i think i know
well i think i'll tell you all that i know
i don't want to be alone i want to be a stone
i wanna sink to the bottom of the ocean
and lie there laugh there with you laugh
there with you til I'm gone...'

one in seven...

days are low ~ maybe that is too many but i think it's ok ~ i mean i am happy, i am truly loved, i certainly don't have much figured out but i think i am on that road ~ but some days ~ i wake up and the emptiness is heavy... tomorrow i'll be golden again and today will be barely a blip on the memory screen

nothing happened and i don't want to talk about it 'cause it's not stuff i'm ready to face because for now this side feels easier than dealing with it... getting through or over it... and then moving past it terrifies me ~ so thank you to the one who talked me around it for a bit too damn early this morning

i love this song for this line right here ~ i know it's supposedly depressing and just terrible, but i have a different view on most everything and can argue my points on most days pretty well...

Black Orchid ~ Blue October

'it is not that I am scared to learn
why I'm empty inside...'

i'm not scared to learn why ~ i know why... i'm scared of dealing with the why so for now i'll just let it go 'cause for six out of seven life is in fact beautiful

'There are risks you just can't take...'

'when you have children...'~ Flor from Spanglish

ok i just adore so many things about that movie ~ another quote that i have found that i relate a lot to is 'You live your life for your daughter, I live my life for myself... neither works.' ~ Evelyn

See my life seems to be a constant struggle between what is right for me and what is right for my kids ~ it's such a hard line to walk and one tiny slip and so much damage could occur ~ so i pray for vision... well clarity of vision everyday ~ to see as much of the path in advance as i can...

i think i figured it out...

why exactly it is that i adore this job as much as i do... ok see if you can follow this ~ i explained it to a friend the other night and it made sense then

my favorite thing to do... make people happy ~ which makes it extremely frustrating to be me 'cause it is so hard to make everyone that i love happy

but see when you bring people their food... they are happy ~ even on a busy night when maybe you aren't getting to them as quickly as they might like or things are a little bit harried ~ when you set their salad down... or the garlic rolls and their main course ~ they smile and with very few exceptions are just happy

and for me i get to step back a bit and watch them... so i spend each shift i work truly making just about everyone that walks in our dining room so very happy ~ if i'm really lucky they will order desert and well there you go... major bonus

we get some grumbly people no doubt... but even then there are little things you can do that will turn it around and that's brilliant

my song last night... Sick and Tired ~ Cross Canadian Ragweed 'cause this fits how i feel right now...

'you're no longer sick and tired
everything around you feels brand new
the days fly by, the nights could be longer
everyday you're just a little bit stronger...'

i fell hard today...

for a new man ~ he is GORGEOUS and completely perfect in everyway!!!!

KC Gregory Gordon Achilles ~ born 8/7/2005 at 7:14am weighing 7lbs 15ozs 21 inches long...

my baby sister had a baby today ~ of the two of us... the fact that i've been a mother for nine years already and she hasn't is just well hilarious really ~ she is supposed to be a mother... so many of us that have children ~ when we were first breaking in these new shoes... well we would go to her for advice as crazy as it may sound if there is a gene or whatever she GOT IT!

my babies are thrilled to have their new cousin... it's a situation like this that you really get a glimpse inside their little heads... my 9 year old daughter overheard me say that KC was a little early and she asked me in a panic ~ 'Like Jessica mom?' ~ one of my bestfriends had a baby last year four months premature that was called home shortly after her birth... 'No Jordan just a few days early he is going to be just fine.'

my four year old son was so excited and confused about his new cousin he was strutting around 'I have a new cousin... i'm a big cousin... i'm a little brother... i have a little cousin... i'm a big brother... wait Mom ~ what am i?' and then at the hospital he looked at his sister 'Where is your new cousin? This one is mine!'

what a truly blessed day!

oh and the iPod music God decided i needed to hear this on the way to meet him...

Feels Like Home ~ performed by Chantal Kreviazuk

'if you knew how lonely my life has been
and how long I've felt so alone
if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
and change my life the way you've done...'

for my sister because today her life has been forever changed!

it's decided...

i'd rather be by myself ~ i'm rarely alone... i'm never lonely... but seriously lately i've found that feelings of loneliness materialize more when i'm with people who don't really care

i try really hard to be accomodating and not imposing ~ i know i'm a freak and that i'm picky... i don't ever ask anything of anyone else... yet i seem to 'hear' about my quirkiness more than i like ~ it's the ones who taunt me because they find certain parts of me unexplicable that bother me ~ i'm not asking for anything more than acceptance of me for me ~ don't try and change me... i'll fight you harder and stand firmer ground to be just who i need to be to breathe...

and i'm still not sick of this song and i heard it today and this line hit a nerve...

Collide ~ Howie Day

'out of the doubt that fills my mind
we somehow find
you and i collide...'

just saw something frightening ~

'Find the next Rob Thomas...' ~ i didn't even click on the link ~ NO POINT

there isn't one... sorry ladies and gentlemen try as you might ~ there is no substitute that is suitable at all anywhere...

this world we live in where all of a sudden we can dial 1-800... stay or go ~ quite frankly i'm over it... surely there is more value to not just the legacy of one but also to the ablity of those to follow ~ why would you want to try and step into someone else's shoes... wear your own they will fit much better

Back to Good ~ matchbox 20

'everyone here is wondering what it's like to be with somebody else
everyone here's to blame
everyone here gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain
everyone hides shades of shame
but looking inside we're the same
we're the same
and we're all grown now
but we don't know how
to get it back to good...'

if you can write like that... you DESERVE to be your own star

so much to say...

and if i actually put it down... edit it and read it ~ it becomes real and today for me that's too much reality...

'this room is old and wise
i fall onto the bed and wonder ~
how did i get here...' ~ Weight of the World ~ Blue October

i don't play games...

i play music ~ i have a t-shirt that says that and SERIOUSLY that is me ~ i don't have time in my life for anything but real... sorry because along with that comes the fact that i don't censor myself very well ever and if i am feeling something... it's known by those that are in my life and around me ~ what is the saying 'i wear my emotions on my sleeve' or something to that affect... well even though this is full of cliches the point is this... with me what you see is truly in fact what you get...

ok that's all...

Jason Boland and the Stragglers ~ Live at Billy Bob's is what is getting me through this summer... specifically Fallin' With Style~

'you’ve got rope burns on your hands
from holding on way to tight
but if you let go today
they're gonna heal up alright
and your eyes are half closed from staring down the sun,
you got no time for singing
you’re always on the run

it’s gonna be alright in a matter of time
cause the dirt is gonna yield and the poem is gonna rhyme
it’s gonna be alright, it might take a little while
cause flying ain’t nothing, just falling with style...'

Let Time Go Lightly ~ Harry Chapin

i let time go lightly when i'm here with you
i let time go lightly when the day is through
i keep a watch on time when I've got work to do
i let time go lightly with you

morning, a time for breaking ground and sowing seed
and yet we give up our sunshine so we can buy what we need
and that leaves the evening to share a fire with a friend or two
to lose sight of the hours... to go lightly with you

i let time go lightly when i'm here with you
i let time go lightly when the day is through
i keep a watch on time when I've got work to do
i let time go lightly with you

old friends, they mean much more to me than a new friend
'cause they can see where you are and they know where you've been

music has been my closest friend, my fiercest foe
'cause it can take you so high... it can make me so low

when I was a child my mother would help me along
she'd rock me to sleep and sing me a song
so i learned to love the music of all the tunes in my head
the changing of chords, the rhythm of time...

i let time go lightly when i'm here with you
i let time go lightly when the day is through
i keep a watch on time when I've got work to do
i let time go lightly with you

yes I let time go lightly with you
and a fire and a friend or two
with you and a fire and a friend or two
a friend or two, and you

i just adore my babies...

i don't look forward at all to the day that they are too cool to go for pizza and ice cream with me ~ to the day when i look in the rear view mirror and instead of singing with me they each have their own set of head phones on and have that vacant stare out the window plotting their next teen angst filled adventure ~ and 'double gulp' to the day when i am forced to walk out of their college dorm and get into an empty car and go to an empty... quiet... clean house ~ nope not having any of it...

hmmm maybe then i'll be inspired myself to finally go to college ~ lol

the song of choice to sing over and over tonight...

I'd Rather Be ~ Brandon Jones

'and I'd rather be in Tennessee
a star on music row
cause maybe then
you'd like my songs
if they were played on the radio...'

currently Jordan's favorite song in the world i was informed this evening...;)

see Coach Carter...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same….” by Marianne Williamson ~ recited by Timo Cruz to Coach Carter... awesome... that's all... carry on...

i want to move...

to the parallel universe in which Dub Miller is actually the biggest headliner of the summer and Toby Keith is actually getting his law degree 'cause he's decided music isn't working out the way he had hoped...Brandon Jones just released his sophomore album to huge accolades not Dierks Bentley (sorry to the Dierks fans who read this... i don't happen to be one) and i actually have more face time with the ones i love most

A Better Place to Be ~ Harry Chapin

'cause i know i'm going nowhere
and anywhere is a better place to be...'

whether a pearl or a pea...

it's the same thing... an irritation ~ you know the deal... a grain of sand one day a pearl the next... a tiny pea under a thousand mattresses and she can't sleep 'cause she can feel the irritation ~ well to me they are very similar in their significance i guess ~ and i have this 'irritation' that i force deep down inside... it has potential (pearl) but mostly i ignore it... tossing and turning... but while i'm awake and while i'm sleeping ~ it makes me restless and wanna keep moving trying to get away from it and mostly i'm fine until someone mentions it... that it is there ~ so again the pearl part because others can see it ~ i prefer it to be a pea... 'cause i just want it to stay buried ~ i can't do anything with it... AND i don't want it to go away 'cause it's valuable to me so it's like i get used to it... anyway it irritated me all day today... that's all

i hope they do this song tomorrow... Where Are You Going ~ Dave Matthews Band

'where are you going,
where do you go
are you looking for answers
to questions under the stars
well if along the way
you are grown weary
you can rest with me
until a brighter day
when your ok...'

i was going to write about addiction...

mostly 'cause i'm addicted to live music... and the adrenline rush lasts for days... it's the best thing ~ a friend is coming off of a 'heroin' addiction of sorts... i've promised to hold his hand this week and i will that's easy... i'll listen... that's easy too... i'll give my opinion and advice if he wants it even and if not... i'll just sit quietly 'cause sometimes silence says everything

so instead let me explain 'cause it occured to me that not everyone might get what i saw so clearly... my new favorite saying

'Use both hands... look both ways... love each other. ~ Pat Green'

he said that at the end of our show in Palms Springs ~ I have it in my sig line on a message board that a lot who read my blog post on and someone that doesn't post there saw it and was all ~ i don't get it... so here is how i take it...

those are the basic life lessons in my opinion ~ if you always choose to DO those three things... you will make fewer mistakes... you will find peace inside your self more often... you will smile more and get smiles in return... your choices will be better... your vision clearer... your love will be truer ~ everything in your life will be more real because you went back to using your the tools in your toolbox that were first given to you because they are 'fool proof' so to speak

that's what it means to me anyway...

just not ready to move on from Pat yet... so he wrote this with the one who keeps me sane... Rob Thomas... Baby Doll...

'and when you close your eyes, you hear the music playing
you can see her dancin' underneath the spotlight
and when she sleeps, she dreams she’s back in Hollywood
when she was a younger girl, a pretty heart in a tainted world,
not sure who you wanna be your Daddy’s little drama queen:
i hope that when you find yourself, you’re more than just a baby doll...'

some people...

talk too much... cry too much... eat too much... whine too much... stress too much... yell too much... drink too much... smoke too much

apparently we giggle too much

that ROX... there are so many things that are negative that we could do too much

just had too much fun... giggled too much...laughed too much... sang too loud

we watched people 'get' what we love most... how BRILLIANT!!!

ok and Crazy by Pat Green ~ Acoustic ~ that is almost too much...

'if i am truly crazy... don't you know i like my life this way...'

i'm quiet when i'm afraid...

i learned that about myself the last few days i think...

and i heard something today just exactly when i needed to hear it ~ 'We are not made of our mistakes but rather of our possibilities' ~ i'll credit Oprah with that not sure if she said it originally but she is who said it today when i most needed to hear it

i am in fact human and have made mistakes ~ MANY mistakes even and lately i have been concerned that they define me more than i might want them to...

i do believe i have learned some very valuable lessons... and i also believe that some of what others view as mistakes i view as choices

ok just random i know ~ but golden tidbits for me and a lot of what i put here is to keep myself on track so to speak

and again just can not stop this song from running around in my head

Soul Shine ~ written by The Allman Brothers
performed brilliantly by Bleu Edmondson

'...sometimes a man can feel this emptiness,
like a woman has robbed him of his very soul.
a woman too, God knows, she can feel like this.
and when your world seems cold
you got to let your spirit take control.

let your soul shine,
it’s better than sunshine,
it’s better than moonshine,
damn sure better than rain.
Lord now people don’t mind,
we all get this way sometimes,
gotta let your soul shine,
shine till the break of day....'

old made new again...

both for real and through the eyes of my babies ~ a Drive In to see the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... the kids loved the drive in... whoever thought it was a better idea to move films inside... has forgotten what it was like to be 9 in your pj's with a corn dog ~ and Tim Burton and Johnny Depp did what i thought not possible and went into very skeptical... they changed enough to give it a life of its own and kept enough of the original to be true to the story

it was a great night to be a kid and a mom ~ AT THE SAME TIME even in my world tonight ;)

The Candyman... ok so this was missed a bit

'who can take a sunrise
sprinkle it in dew
cover it in chocolate
and a miracle or two?

the candyman
the candyman can
the candyman can cause he mixes it with love
and makes the world taste good...'

Never have I thought...

that it is 'my world' and everyone else is lucky to live in it. i have had such sadness in my heart for this woman that i waited on last night because she does in fact believe that. i saw her tonight in the grocery store... she recognized me and looked away ~ i smiled... just in case she changed her mind... and i hope she understood that my smile was meant as a door for her to walk through where she could just give a little to those around her... a little patience... a little respect.. a little tolerance... a little concern... a little kindness... ~ the rewards she would reap ~ FANTABULOUS

so for her... from me... Teach Your Children ~ Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young


'and you, of tender years,
can't know the fears that your elders grew by,
and so please help them with your youth,
they seek the truth before they can die...'

I'm going to take...

an acting class. 'Cause i suck at pretending to be any one other than me... and apparently i am not quite right and frustrate a few people so if i could just figure out how to act like they want me too... for the time that it's required... maybe things will be better for everyone ~ see i can be brilliant

He Went To Paris by Jimmy Buffet

'...some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life anyway'

i've decided i want that on my headstone ~ so someone take a note on that for me...

apparently people wanna know...

so here we go ~ ;)

What were you doing 10 years ago?

I was getting ready to leave for a Vacation in Maine that resulted in the conception of my beautiful baby girl actually... ok that was a good memory already right out of the box.

5 years ago?

I was 6 months pregnant and grumpy.

1 year ago?

I was alone for the summer...babies were with their dad for eight weeks and between trips to Texas

Yesterday?

Went for lunch with a good friend and her two boys ~ it was good for all involved yet sad...

5 Snacks you enjoy?

1. Oranges
2. Strawberries
3. Grapes
4. Chips and Salsa
5. Pretzels

5 Songs You Know All the Word To

(i think 5 i don't know all the words to would be easier to come up with)
1. Little Bit Crazy ~ Bleu Edmondson
2. Calling You - Blue October
3. Carry On ~ Pat Green
4. Downtown ~ Stoney Larue
5. A Better Place to Be ~ Harry Chapin

5 Things You Would Do With 100 Million $

1. Move to Texas
2. Set up three college funds
3. Pay off my truck
4. Send anonymous money orders to ones i adore that I know wouldn't take a dime
5. Buy a GOOD tanning bed

5 Locations You Would Run Away To

1. Austin
2. Sherman
3. Boston
4. Houston
5. Switzerland

5 Things I Like Doing

1. Seeing Live Music
2. Driving in my truck
3. Walking on the beach
4. Playing with my friends
5. Making people smile

5 Things I Will Never Wear

1. a belly shirt
2. any kind of girlie hat
3. anything lacy
4. anything pink
5. a hospital gown

5 Biggest Joys at the Moment

1. My Babies
2. My Friends
3. SUMMER
4. My Music
5. My Job

5 Favorite Toys

1. iPod
sadly regardless of the comments to the contrary that will follow... it's the only toy i have


5 People You Tag

Gage
Meg
Joc
Christy
Brandon

'i gotta run...'

...i gotta be free
don't hold me down, no baby....


too much pain, too much hate
not enough fire
now it's way too late' ~ Pat Green

over and over in my head... the last two days, those parts of that song

'mama i want to do...'

'... the wind in my hair with the leaf blower... ' Jake

sorry... had to 'cause that is just freakin' HILARIOUS

they should make...

a reality show about the restaurant that i work in... but the hidden camera kind 'cause everyone would clean up their act if they knew a camera was on them i'm convinced... this is also WHY reality tv doesn't work ~ everyone KNOWS they are on camera... so none of it's real ~ DUH ~ anyway last night's episode would have gotten the Dr. Phil Dysfunctional Entertainment Award of the Decade i promise...

i've known this now for awhile but i just get amazed each and everyday ~ i am truly blessed with the most amazing circle of friends ~ granted it's a LARGE circle... not in number of people but in diameter of miles... which makes most days heartbreaking 'cause i want those friends in my everyday life, but for this summer i am fortunate to be closer to one and just blessed by her love and thoughtfulness... and another who i hope won't mind me saying this here ~ was in just not a great place when i first met her last year ~ is now happier than i think she even thought she would ever be... has truly found her soul mate and love of her life and about to start that forever life which i even believe for them (which doesn't happen often for me)

i believe in soulmates ~ i have found mine even no question ~ i believe in love ~ i have real, true, unconditional love in my life everyday ~ but do i believe that for me there is a forever love with one person ~ nope... i really don't think i'm built that way and i'm ok with that ~ it's not that i'm wanting to whore around for the next 60 years or however many more i'm blessed with that's not it at all... today's lyrics... this is where i am at... this is what best describes me...

'you don’t want me
try the real dancers
i’m busy right now
searching for answers'

Postcard from Paris ~ Dub Miller

crazy freakin' dreams...

i DON'T enjoy them ~ i rarely remember my dreams which is a good thing cause in my head i have to figure them out so... ugh last night's was insane ~ or this morning's actually 'cause i do in fact know the time period of sleep that it happened in and while someone is not thrilled they fell on their face... i am thrilled to have been awakened out of that madness... what do you think ~ are dreams random or are they fears realized? ~ probably a combination of both i don't know...

my favorite 'dream song' ~ and I remember when this was released i could NOT hear it enough...

'hush now don’t cry
wipe away the teardrop from your eye
you’re lying safe in bed
it was all a bad dream
spinning in your head
your mind tricked you to feel the pain
of someone close to you leaving the game of life
so here it is, another chance
wide awake you face the day
your dream is over...or has it just begun? '

Silent Lucidity ~ Queensryche

again...

the little things ~ mean THE most! PERIOD...

THANK YOU for watching... Thank You for liking it... I know it was tough... 'cause I've been a brat about it ~ but truly made my year ~ 'Everything's gonna be okay... chugga chugga'

YOU HAVE NO IDEA what that quote did for me ~ especially 'cause I could just tell from the tone that you liked it too...

so after a day of disappointment after disappointment... once again you brought me back to right

and after hearing a song that I can NOT stand too many times over the past two days...

Randy Roger's cover of 'Come Pick Me Up' ~ was just what I needed and the Music God's saw fit to let me hear it in the randomness of my iPod

'when you’re walking downtown
do you wish I was there?
do you wish it was me?
with the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
do they all look like mine?

you know you could
I wish you would... come pick me up...'

i'd go to wrigley field...

if you asked ~ 'cause i get it's what you love and because i do in fact love you both very much and want to be apart of what you love... do i want to go to wrigley field ~ NO not at all, however that is not the point

i guess i just want to be understood by you ~ its the basic relationship that all the rest are built on and it's why i walk this world feeling as i like to put it much like 'a Palestinian without a home' ~ so when i am excited... and say 'I would love for you two to go to The Stone Pony to see Pat with me.' it's not because i so much think it's something you would choose to do except to take the time as adult parents and child together... so that you can see me and my passion during what i consider to be a pinnacle moment

AND does anything cut me deeper or hurt more than you saying... 'I don't want to do that... I don't care anything about ponies or chickens or rock pigs for that matter.' WELL i don't care about fields or diamonds or chewing gum either... but i know how much YOU do and that is why I'd go for you...

i hide a lot...

in my life ~ both physically and just by keeping my mouth shut a lot and not saying what i really feel.... mostly just 'cause the people that should be listening wouldn't hear it anyway so i choose to keep that energy for a fight that is more worthy

however for some reason... i recently decided to not hide and to make known how i felt about a situation ~ in all honesty i was in fact disappointed with the initial reaction... but see that is another thing about my life ~ no one that i truly care about lives within 1500 miles of me... so it's not always easy to know what is going on with everyone no matter how many phone calls or emails or im time... nothing is like true face time

well i talked to my friend for the first time in weeks yesterday and i'm not at all disappointed in a thing ~ turns out their life went crazy for a bit and while i get slightly saddened that i wasn't able to hold a hand through it... i could hear the genuine relief in happiness in our conversation ~ the weight of the world has lifted a bit probably for the first time since we've known each other even

so this just reinforces my 'no regrets' policy ~ sometimes it just takes a little longer to see the lesson and understand why some things work the way that they do... i'm in this life for the long haul as much as i enjoy and crave instant gratification i have learned that the best rewards do in fact come over time and are savored with patience...

Held On True ~ O.A.R..... someone has ALWAYS said it better than me

'i said but lately i've been feeling mighty old
i said the sun has got me cracked
this wind has got me cold
and i'm so damn tired of losing my friends
every single time i go and lose my ends
i say but that's ok, i'm on my way
i don't appear here but maybe i'll end up that way
and in awhile when i realize there's something new
but until then i gotta hold on true
hold on true ah, hold on true, hold on true
i'd love to hold on to you...'

so from my favorite boys from Maryland for my favorite Maryland friend today... this was all for you

'thank heaven...

for little boys' ~ umm ok then... the song goes something like that... well i'm just thankful my little boy ~ who thought following the dog into the forrest yesterday was a good idea ~ is climbing all over me and happy and singing and smiling ~ because without question it was the scariest half an hour in my 33 years wondering if i would ever find him in this crazy forest

two girls were raised in this house... they never thought about it ~ his sister never thought about it... what is it about boys that makes it so appealing to go off into the 'forest' as he keeps referring to it ~ oh this is the same boy that is terrified of all the crazy bugs that fly around all over these parts ~ he runs yelling from them as if he is being chased by an axe murderer yet the woods doesn't seem as threatening... WHATEVER DUDE... just don't do it again! insert every yelling nasty ranting smiley ever made on a computer site here!!!!!

Beautiful Boy ~ John Lennon

'...out on the ocean sailing away
i can hardly wait to see you come of age
but I guess we’ll both just have to be patient
’cause it’s a long way to go
a hard row to hoe
yes it’s a long way to go

but in the meantime
before you cross the street
take my hand
life is what happens to you
while you’re busy making other plans
beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
beautiful boy
beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
beautiful boy...'

please not again...

i know i have no control over crazy people and comparatively 7/7 is not 9/11 but seriously... any bombings are just NOT ok with me ~ and warnings about being careful if you are taking mass transit today ~ i'm sure i'm overreacting... but i was emotionally crippled after the devastation of 9/11 for those that didn't know me during that time... it was a year before i stopped crying ~ literally everyday for a year and i cried for everyone... one day for the ones that were lost... the next for the fireman and rescue workers... the next for the survivors... a few even for those that caused it as i wish i could go to them on the day when they decided this was their life's calling and show them a better way.... now i just want everyone to be able to move forward and live together on this big earth that has been entrusted to us now to care for... and leave for others i'm terrified everyday that we are gonna screw that up

k... no more preachy... well except for ~

'...the most i can do while i'm here is not a thing leave it as i found...


so we're leaving friends of mine, brothers and sisters
hoping that in times of trouble
and that we can learn a bit more
but lately, I swear, nightmare dreams
are welling in me
and this ship is troubled
all because this ship we're on is sinking' ~ two different live intros from Dave Matthews ~

a good tired...

that's how i feel today... when i quit my job last October i was a bad tired ~ so spent that i couldn't put two thoughts together that i trusted... i doubted every thing i was doing... every decision got overthought, i found myself tripping over the air in the room more often than not

but today i feel clear headed... i worked hard the last four days but at the end of it last night the owner said 'Ok... i'm leaving Saturday for the week and you are in charge.' She was kidding but i understood and appreciated the sentiment behind it... i had worked very hard for her, in a position that i had only been trained for three days in before being 'thrown to the wolves' and i came out ahead and still smiling

for many years i had worked like that and then somehow a sort of cancer invaded my work ethic and i began to doubt that i knew how to do anything at all... so while i will never go back to my job defining who i am ~ the good thing to come out of all of this is that i have spent a great amount of time on myself and finding out that i can dream for myself and set goals for myself and that it is important to not give all of 'me' away to everyone else ~ it does feel good to really work again and feel like i've accomplished something that is appreciated...

and i'm gonna leave it there ~ 'cause for once i think that is a better thought than a lyric for those that may stumble here and read my ramblings...

One of the things…

I pride myself in is that I don’t share other people’s stories ~ I will admit I’ve slipped up in that area once that I can think of in a way that was slightly hurtful but all involved ‘got out ok’ and apologies were made and accepted and the friendship endured…

I am trusted by a lot of my friends to keep confidences and I think that they trust me because I have proven that I don’t tell their stories, I let them do that and I will choose to share mine ~ this has worked really well for me and I know it’s appreciated ~ so a recent situation has been weighing too heavily on my mind and heart so I’m putting it here and hoping that I will be able to resolve it.

The whole point was to NOT betray anyone ~ information was made known to me… I shared it with someone that I was concerned would think I had betrayed them which would have translated to others that I would never EVER betray that maybe I couldn’t be trusted and that was not acceptable… I only gave enough information to fix a potential problem ~ the whole thing made me very uncomfortable and I have made that known to everyone…

Does that make sense as you are reading it… I know I have not explained it well in conversation ~ I would not… have not… will NOT ever betray you ~ it’s not who I am or what I do… especially not with you ok ~ good can we be done with it now?

ok... definetly forgot an important addition to my iPod...

Shower the People... James Taylor

'You can play the game and you can act out the part,
even though you know it wasn't written for you.
Tell me, how can you stand there with your broken heart ashamed of playing the fool?
One thing can lead to another; it doesn't take any sacrifice.
Oh, father and mother, sister and brother, if it feels nice, don't think twice,
just shower the people you love with love, show them the way that you feel.
Things are gonna work out fine if you only will do as I say, just
shower the people you love with love, show them the way you feel.
Things are gonna be much better if you only will.'

not one thing about me is cultured...

sorry can't even fake it ~ just have a beer and get over yourself... i have NO clue which vodka is potatoe based... huh? much too tired to go on with anything more ~ i enjoy most of the patrons... haven't tried a dang thing on the menu and not because anything in the prep stages has said 'ummm don't eat here' to me ~ just NOT hungry when it's time to eat... the bar situation IS in fact what will bring me down if something does ~ way too many vodkas and too many choices on what to do with it... the drink order takes the longest to enter into the dang computer ~ but for the most part i did well my first holiday weekend as a waitperson/bartender... look the owner still wants me back and the dining room manager decided to 'tip me out' for training which i have been told he never does ~ so i must not suck at this

ok... hope none of your fireworks were duds ~ Peace Love and Stoney...

Happy Independence Weekend ~ my fave patriotic verse...

This Land is Your Land ~ Woody Guthrie

'as I was walkin' - I saw a sign there
and that sign said - no tres passin'
but on the other side .... it didn't say nothin
now that side was made for you and me...

this land is your land
this land is my land
from California to the New York highlands
from the redwood forest to the gulfstream waters
this land was made for you and me...'