i've been told...

that i remember dates too much ~ and this one coming up this weekend gives me the biggest lump in my throat and happy tear filled eyes ~ most of you know why so i'm not gonna go into it... someone asked me to do this in an email so i'll put it here instead...

1. First name? Lori
2. Were you named after anyone? my aunt
3. Do you wish on stars? of course... second star to the right...
4. When did you last cry? well just teared up right now... but actual cry tuesday night
5. Do you like your handwriting? yup
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Black Forest Ham
7. What is your birthday? don't have one anymore...
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? none they all are vital in the soundtrack of my life
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? yes ~ i think
10. Do you have a journal? this blog is it
11. What are your nicknames? i get 'dork' a lot ~ does that count
12. Would you bungee jump? i have and i would again
13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? yea
14. Do you think that you are strong? physically yes... mentally hell no
15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? New York Super Fudge Chunk although Blackberry Surpreme is a very close 2nd
16. Shoe Size? 8 1/2
17. Red or Pink? neither thank you
18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? i'm NEEDY
19. Who do you miss most? that's a difficult question that would take an entire entry ~ i'll do that but not today
20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? not sending it but sure if you want to play along go for it...
21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? plaid boxers...barefoot
22. What are you listening to right now? window fan... freakin' fans everywhere can't hear nothing but fans ~ it's a bit infuriating
23. Last thing you ate? ice cream ~ last night before bed.. i know terrible but's it HOT here
24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? green
25. What is the weather like right now? humid and grey thunderstorms on the way i believe
26. Last person you talked to on the phone? Gage
27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? smile ~ well if they are or not ~ i don't 'see' people like most do
28. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I do like the person who sent this... the newest person in my life to be called a friend
29. Favorite drink? Cranberry Lime Sparkling Water
30. Favorite Sport? Football
31. Hair Color? brown
32. Eye Color? hazel
33. Do you wear contacts? yup
34. Favorite Food? mexican
35. Last Movie You Watched? Spanglish (i fall asleep to it and it's on repeat all night everynight)
36. Favorite Day Of The Year? 4/19 and 11/08 TIE
37. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Scary Movies... i don't believe in Happy Endings...
38. Summer or winter? SUMMER
39. Hugs OR Kisses? Hugs when the hug back factor is genuine ~ cheek kisses rok too...
40. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? ice cream
41. Who Is Most Likely To Respond?
42. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? no responses necessary
43. Who lives in your house? i'm changing this question a bit... i live with my two babies and my dog... the location changes... A LOT lol
44. What books are you reading? finishing The Dark Tower today i think
45. What's On Your Mouse Pad? don't have one... wait my parents do palm trees at sunset apparently ~ that's just random for them... sorry i digress
46. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Bobby Flay on FoodTV he was in Austin at a BBQ festival
47. Favorite Smells? my babies necks after they have been asleep for about an hour... it's crazy and probably a mom thing ~ but you get an idea of what they did that day
48. Favorite Sounds? Jake's singing and Jordan's laugh
49. Rolling Stones or Beatles? it's a tie 'cause i don't love either of them which for me being into music is probably a bit off
50. What's the furthest you've been from home? do i have one... hmmm

thanks for this that won't get out of my damn head too BY THE WAY... but preferred to either The Stones or The Beatles... and Jim Morrison... i'm not one to be all... oh he's hot... ummm yeah love Love LOVE him

Riders on the Storm ~ The Doors

'Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Into this house we're born
Into this world we're thrown
Like a dog without a bone
An actor out alone
Riders on the storm'

and I forgot that...

i was one of the 'chosen' ones ~ duh.... the expectations that are placed on you should you leave this small town ~ that very much resembles the shire if you are a LOTR fan ~ are huge and i don't measure up, which again is not at all a cry for love from those that do in fact love and know me ~ what i mean is that no one leaves this small town not really anyway so if you do when you come back it's almost like you are in fact Frodo or Sam and all want to hear about this BIG life when the reality is i haven't been on some great quest to destroy a ring... i have no epic tales to tell ~ life is the same it's just where you chose to live it ~ my daily hassles don't involve shoveling snow or dirt road ditches or loose cows 'cause one didn't cross with the rest, but LA traffic to me is as much of a hassle as getting the cow in the barn is to Mr. Morse with the dairy down the road.

i guess my point... i was feeling like a bit of a failure last night 'cause i don't have any great adventures to speak of, but my trip to Palm Springs to play in the desert with friends and see Pat... is equivalent in prospective to Cindy and Chad camping at Mt. Washington and riding the alpine slide ~ sorry to those that thought life in LA means that i lunch on Sunset with Chris and Kate or that i shop with Drew on Rodeo... i don't ~ i've been to both places i'm not impressed much so i stay closer to home and grab orders 'to go' from Corrales and shop at Old Navy it just makes sense even though it may not be all that exciting

in other news... for my babies the adventures continue today it was Friendly's ice cream sundaes and driving around in the loudest, hardest, COOLEST thunderstorm they have ever witnessed

'i bless the hard rain that came to free my soul...' ~ Gypsy Wild by Bleu Edmondson and Rusty Weir

felt that today for sure

I'm not one to be...

all Sally in a restaurant ~ you remember the movie 'i want mayo but on the side' and you know that kind of person I'm talking about takes an item from the menu and doctor's it up until it really is nothing like what it reads on the menu. Well after the last few days I have a whole new appreciation for not being that person. Did you even know that you could in fact choose between a male and female lobster ~ huh? Seriously you can tell the difference... i don't know...

Here is what I do know... it's on the menu that way... it's in the computer that way... the chef's prep'd it that way... just order it that way or stay home... and fix it yourself or try Burger King they advertise that they will make it your way ~ I'm new and slow and not at all comfortable yet... so have patience, order what's on the menu, as it's on the menu ~ You do that... and I promise to not trip and spill your drink order on you 'cause I'm so flustered I missed the little step down into the dining area. We'll get along just fine!

Sorry if I've offended anyone I love... you know just venting here training for the new job has opened up my eyes to a whole new world its nothing personal at all!

And of course... I have a song that runs through my mind....

'Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it...'

by The Killers

i only feel old...

here... where life hasn't changed much really yet so much has. Its our babies running around in the background at the softball game, yes it's been 15 years since we graduated give or take a few depending on who I'm chatting with ~ 'Where am I from?' well here actually ~ I know I don't look it or sound it but I left almost as long as ago now as I was here originally. The children I used to babysit for are now adults some even with their own kids some just now off in the world. That's the only downside so far ~ not that I feel my age as much as it's presented to me and not as easily ignored.

Our kids, those in my circle here that is again complete with my return as I'm truly the only one who left ~ how fun to watch them all pick up and just go like not two years has past since they've seen my babies but in their minds less than hours maybe. AND FEARLESS ~ apparently there really aren't snakes hiding in the big overgrown field that our parents warned us about because our kids have trampled all through it on their adventures and lived to tell us about them.

It's only been three days and I've been thanked by both of my babies... Jordan ~ 'Mama... it's already the best summer of my life...' Jake 'Thank you so much for bringing me to the forrest...'

Exhale ~ Good Decision

OHHHH and after a year ~ I got my CCRW dvd back YAYAYAYA!!! That made me happy last night as I feel asleep to Cody singing...

'I think God - He's an understanding man
But I don't think that's part of His plan
Cause He wants us all to live in harmony
Take care of one another when we need
So if you want to rant and rave, murder and corrupt
Stay away from the ones that I love'

Carry You Home ~ Cross Canadian Ragweed

won't you tie my boat...

to a tree on your island... i just might stay here awhile 'cause the weather has been rough and the travelin's been rocky ~ oh but you calm the waters with your smile... i said Lord you can calm the waters with your smile ~ and he does ladies and gentlemen... and he does ~ Stoney Larue covering The Great Divide's Tie My Boat 7/23/04 at The Sidecar Pub in Houston

more than any other lyric or recording of anything in my life that right there has held my hand, picked me up and walked with me through some stuff ~ i'm gonna cradle in it for the next couple of days I think.

random thought... fear is a funny thing... and what i fear is silly and never translates well ~ it wasn't you i was afraid of... it's me and your reactioin to me and if i could hide the way i can normally ~ apparently i did well although some saw through me but i trust them... anyway my point yes absolutely my goal ~ everyday... i don't care ~ good days... grumbly days... sad days... mad days.... sky high happy days... bring it all 'cause i can handle it, i'm not afraid anymore i do in fact believe you ~ so can we stop that arguement now... i will NO MORE doubting days i promise

you think you've grown up...

then you have a moment and realize... nope still a bratty seven year old who picks a fight with her best friend just before the end of the school year 'cause it's summer and you won't see her everyday so might just as well be mad 'cause in my twisted head ~ it'll be easier, you won't miss each other and the summer will go by faster 'til the moment when the first day of school you see each other and race for the seat next to each other because you just don't even remember what you argued about....

that's where i am right now ~ in this crazy head of mine that never stops ~48 hours from leaving the sterile sanctity of this place where I hide... going to the place I hide from... where I learned the hard way that sharing blood and life lines does not automatically translate to love and acceptance... 48 hours from going to what feels like even farther from where I want to be and terrified of being forgotten by those that i love the most and that taught me that i'm ok... i know it's all irrational but you know from the phone calls this week not so much really.

I don't know where I came from ~ I don't recognize any of me there at all in that place that I was born and raised ~ is it because I left and actually grew up and learned the important life lessons elsewhere?

all i really know for sure... is this is again a choice for my babies that is in their best interest ~ i'm gonna make the best of it but for myself i'm not happy about it... so if i'm being whiney and bratty ~ i'm seven right now and at seven i didn't love the summer....

Clay Pigeons ~ Blaze Foley

'I'm tired of running around looking for answers to questions that I already know
I could build me a castle of memories just to have somewhere to go
count the days and the nights that it takes to get back in the saddle again
feed the pigeons some clay turn night into day
start talkin again, when i know what to say...'

so thankful for the gift of that song today...

and as I was finishing this blog my meg called ~ said just what I needed to hear to feel not so alone, thank you for that my friend...

Willie and Rob...

it's like the New York Super Fudge Chunk BUT...
you shake your booty instead of adding to it ~

Maria (Shut Up and Kiss Me) 

Willie Nelson and Rob Thomas (remember he keeps me sane)

That's my favorite part, rewind my life on
when my world got dark, and you turned my light on
I've  watched it for hours again and again in my head
I did
see I was down on you, more than I needed to be
I'd say I'm sorry but then you'd think I'm lyin'

Maria, shut up and kiss me
stop shakin', stand up and hold me
I bet you're gonna miss me ~ you need me ~ believe me

Maria shut up and kiss me
you're crazy and it turns me on and on
the way you're carryin' on

that's my favorite shirt, you always had on
man, it sure looked good, every time you walked on
you're takin' the wind from me every chance that you could
you're good
somethin' I can't explain
you tell me lately I've changed
if you feel better tell me why are you cryin'?

Maria, Maria can we talk it over instead?
let's call it even and leave it alone
come to bed

Maria, stop leavin' your teasin' is beaten me down
Maria just calm down
in these situations I've found it's best not to be proud
and say that you're sorry

Maria, shut up and kiss me
stop shakin', stand up and hold me
I bet you're gonna miss me. You need me. Believe me

Maria shut up and kiss me
you're crazy and it turns me on and on
the way you're carryin' on.

and it turns me on and on.
on and on
on and on
and it turns me on and on.
on and on
on and on
on and on and on and on......

I will be singing the praises of iPod's for a bit now...
but was seriously down ~ 'til the music Gods pulled this one
out of the 506 currently available to them ~ many thanks  and praises...

iPod Hell...

i had lived there for too long ~ almost 24 hours ~ Gotta tell you now that I've got it all figured out yup Gage is right it is the greatest thing EVER.

So I'm going to the woods... seriously for too long on Monday, but NOW I can bring 1000 of my most important songs with me and I'll be ok ~ I even have this little transmitter that allows me to play it over a normal radio. Bought it for the car specifically... however it works in my house on my receiver... and it's brilliant... very happy with this whole deal

So I have almost 300 songs on it so far and today for other reasons has just been one of constant angst on not nearly enough sleep. I get back from an errand and *sigh* The Pretenders and a song perfect for what I need to say to that one that I love and am hurting for today. I don't know what to say to help, I can't physically be there for a shoulder or a hug or to hold a hand ~ but I offer all those things and they are there always, forever as promised... your promise of forever is the only one I do believe in for some reason and I know that makes you happy me stating that outloud so to speak.

It got particularly ugly this afternoon and it makes me wonder why people have to just be mean. It's not blatant and most may not even notice, but if all is truly well enough I believe it should in fact be left alone. I don't have it in me at all to be mean not even to those that have hurt me the most. I find myself always trying and making excuses for their bad behavior. Because I want to believe in the good and the potential for good in everyone...

Here you go.... my promise back to you ~ I'll Stand By You

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
’cause I’ve seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

So if you’re mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you
When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
’cause even if you’re wrong

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You’re feeling all alone
You won’t be on your own

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

because Heather asked...

Tag, your it
Three screen names you have had:

Jordan419
Jknjrdnzmom
TxmusicfaninCA

Three things you like about yourself:

I'm a dork ~ the good kind
When I say I love you ~ I mean it
I can make grumpy people smile

Three things you dont like about yourself:

My inability to talk to my mom
I hide what I want too much
I procrastinate

Three things that scare you:

Being forgotten
The death of those that remind me to how to breathe
My children in any kind of pain

Three of your daily essentials:

Music
Love from my babies
Sparkling Water

Three things you are wearing right now:

Charm Bracelet
White Robe
Glasses

Three of your favorite songs:

Carry On ~ Pat Green
Little Bit Crazy ~ Bleu Edmondson
Empty Glass ~ Stoney or Randy perfoming originally by Gary Stewart

Three new things you would like to try in the next 12 months:

Maybe removing a layer of bricks from the wall
A Lonestar dangit... five trips in a year and still not had one
To say something of value to Stoney

Three things you want in a relationship:

Friendship
Laughter
Understanding


Three things you cant do without:

My babies
MUSIC
the next adventure

Three places you would like to go on vacation:

Switzerland ~ Interlaken with my kids have to do this
Chichén Itzá
Sky Diving over the Grand Canyon


Three kids names:

Jordan
Jake
and to be determined... he/she will be my new neice or nephew born in August


Three things you just cant do:

Touch my tongue to my nose
Sit still for too long ~ like three years and i'm bored ready to move on
Quiet my mind

Three things you want to do before you die:

See my children happy adults
Go to the Grand Ole Opry ~ to watch one of 'ours' get inducted
Feel true Peace

Three celebrity crushes:

ORLANDO BLOOM
Jamie Fox
Benicio del Toro

Three people you nominate to complete this exercise:
Jocelyn ~ yup i'm a bitch
Meg
Gage

Two Fun things...

apparently I'm an Angel... bwahahahaha... not so much but ok... what are you?

You scored as Angel. Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel.


What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!)

AND if you read this blog... please do the following ~

List five songs that you are currently digging ... it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words or even if they're any good but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post the artist and the songs in comments...

my five... oh dear this will be hard maybe...

1. Collide ~ Howie Day
2. Calling You ~ Blue October
3. The Night is Over ~ Brandon Jones
4. Empty Glass ~ Stoney Larue
5. Surface ~ SouthFM

ok not so hard after all...

so today's lyrics... from Surface by SouthFM

"can we ever take the chance to see what happens
what we really want we fail to mention

these are not the words that i would like to be saying to you
be saying to you
and i hope that in the morning you will feel the same
way that i do

i wish you'd wake up ~ cause i need to talk to you
i wish you would wake up before we let this go ..."

here you go...

a dream come true for me... and my baby girl...



i know... so many of you have seen it already ~ but as a mom and a life long music lover this picture is truly a moment incomparable

the love i have for my girl and the passion and admiration that she and i share for that man and his music, for her to finally be able to have the moments last night that she had i'm struggling for the words

when I was nine years old my parents had decided that my seven year old sister and i were finally old enough to go to our first concert and it was going to be amazing ~ Harry Chapin ~ he was just about the only thing that we listened to in our house and we just adored his music... my sister and i were so excited... a week before our show he was killed in a car accident

so last night... my nine year old daughter got to see Pat Green in concert... she got to have a hat and tee shirt signed... and had that beautiful picture taken ~ and i got a piece of me that i just never thought would heal... made right again

'i'm okay... i'm alright... OH CARRY ON... ' ~ Pat Green

We may be...

in our *choke* mid 30's but the reality is still.... given a 'night off' we are 16 and silly. I love that! It's nice to walk in and have the 'boys' look at us and that smile of recognition and then first break there are hugs and smooches and quick conversations 'cause there is never enough time. Is it me or did they play a little better after they knew for sure someone was really listening? They are no different either.... in their 30s... 40s... 50s even, yet they take the stage and do the thing that holds on to their youth so unlike their day jobs at the the power plant or garage.

I am grateful that no matter how silly we get under that there is something that keeps us all from totally losing our grip. That's the maturity factor that separates us from when we were in fact 16.

we have a few that they throw out to us... this one fits best today

Cherry Bomb ~ John Mellancamp

'Seventeen has turned thirty-five
I´m surprised that we´re still livin´
if we´ve done any wrong
I hope that we´re forgiven
Got a few kids on my own
And some days I still don´t know
What to do
I hope that they´re not laughtin´ too
Loud, when they hear me talkin´ like this to you

That´s when sport was a sport
And groovin´ was groovin´
and dancin´ meant everything
We were young and we were improvin´
laughtin´ laughtin´ with our friends
Holding hands meant so much baby
Outside the club cherry bomb
Where our hearts were really thumpin´
say yeah yeah yeah
Say yeah yeah yeah'

I just wanted to see a show...

granted like a pinnacle of sorts in my world... Pat Green IN Texas. I was gonna be home, alone, sad, missing my babies... what else did I have to do anyway. SURE I'm in... and with that decision... life as I once knew it has never been the same.

I remember the anticipation on the plane ride... my seat mate who has become a friend ~ thank the Lord for his patience 'cause I just didn't shut up at all. I remember my first glimpse of Austin from the air and just being blown away by the beauty. I remember trembling on the sidewalk, puffing away on a cigarette waiting for my ride to pick me up. I remember hugs... real ones that felt like they were holding me together and if they let go too soon... i would fall into a thousand pieces right there. I remember not a minute of awkward silence all weekend. I remember EVERYTHING....

That weekend I went to see a show and I found a life. A real one, where I can be me. So I've gone back a few times. I now have made friends ~ these people they define what it means to be a friend to someone. I am at my best when I am a reflection of the love that they give me. They get what I need from a friend and rise to the occasion because I have come to realize over the years and many failed attempts I perhaps expect too much from someone that calls me a friend. One even ventured to call me their best friend... a term I had abandoned because of being disappointed too many times in the past. Well no disappointments this time around. I haven't felt alone once and that for me is the biggest and BEST ever. Up until now, every relationship I have had, has been a disappointment. Mostly because I gave... and gave... and people took and took... and there wasn't much given back. I'm not proud of that at all or trying to toot my own horn, that was a very hard conclusion to come too.

SO ~ exhale... now I know its there, the 'brass ring' that I've heard about so often and even helped others reach for themselves. I never thought there was in fact one for me. There is and the fact that I want to reach for it makes me feel more selfish than I have ever felt before in my life. This is new for me, wanting something for me. Something this big and real. I've defended it so hard this past year, started to doubt the reality myself even, thinking I made it out to be more than it was. Could a place that accepted me ~ No apologies, few compromises of self, a family ~ UNCONDITIONAL LOVE ~ truly exist? Yes it does and I feel fortunate everyday to have found it.

I don't believe in regrets, but I know that if I can't find a way to make this work, something I've never had of my own before... a dream ~ I will regret that for the rest of my days. So for those that saw my light and encouraged it to shine...

It's Your Song ~ Performed by Garth Brooks... written by Benita Hill and Pam Wolfe

'Then you reached into my heart
and you found the melody
and if there ever was somebody
who made me believe in me...
it was you... it was you'

Careful what you wish for...

you truly do not know what might be sacrificed in order for your end result to materialize. I'm at a crossroads... don't like either path right now. I know that either one of them will eventually lead where I need to go, but the first 3/4 of each are just not pleasant. And the events that have brought me here make my heart heavy for some that I love.

Well, about to do some painful growing I suspect. If you have chosen to walk with me on that course I laid out a bit ago, I promise I will whine, I will cry, I will not be fun most of the time ~ I grant full permission to use whatever means necessary to help keep me focused on the last 1/4 of the path that will feel like Christmas Day filled with live music and smores compared to the first part of the journey. Thank you in advance for what we are about to go through and for helping me get there.

Somewhere I Belong ~ Linkin Park

'I will never know myself until I do this on my own
and I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything 'til I break away from me
and I will break away
I'll find myself today

I want to heal
I want to feel like I'm
somewhere I belong...'

With one mouse click..

it's done ~ said I wasn't playing... and I meant it. For anyone else that cares ~ send me an email or a private message and I'll get the new digits to you ~ otherwise... exhaling really long and slowly right now...

'scars are souvenirs you never lose... the past is never far'

Name ~ Goo Goo Dolls

I can not imagine...

ever being so confident in myself that I would call someone that flat out rejected me... in no uncertain terms... more times than I can count on one hand... expecting the answer to change. I understand that in the past my resolve was not as strong and I had given in. Newsflash... I am NOT about to do anything that 'crazy' ever again and I am not playing hard to get. You can NOT have me any part of me ~ I am not playing at all in fact. I answer the phone out of respect of a friendship that was for seven year very important in my life ~ you disgrace that with every phone call. I am not going to say that I won't answer ~ I have said that in the past and I suk at that ask Joc or Gage. I will say that the answer will not change and I can in fact make things very ugly for you and those that you claim to love and care about. I had hoped at one time that we could be friends, that can't be and it hurts and makes me sad. I will however be ok, I am OK. So time to move forward...

I took the frustration of this situation out on the wrong person which I'm not proud of. You know who you are... I have apologized and when you are ready you know how to reach me. You didn't really need my garbage on your plate and I had promised that I wouldn't do that and there I was dumping like crazy. I am in fact one you can count on.... and again my apologies

OK ~ MY GOOD NEWS TODAY ~ The Birdcage on DVD $7.50... seriously that's the deal of the year!!!

my new favorite song... The Night is Over ~ Brandon Jones

'Life on the road is wearing me down
and I feel lost to the world but with you I'm found...'

a few random ideas.....

if you mow the lawn barefoot... which may in itself be a bad idea ~ pedicure after NOT before
yard work with my four year old is much more fun than without him
i need more sleep than i think ~ i was GRUMPY without it ~ but hid it well
Deadbirds ~ SUX ~ PERIOD... trust me
I don't need a hamburger ~ but I appreciate the love behind the suggestion
Stoney x 4 is a GREAT idea ~ gotta make that happen
and once again I am the last to realize something that apparently was clear to a few others ~ for someone as introspective as I can be the obvious eludes me every time....

peace... love & LaRue

'Waking up means feeling good and I thank you...' ~ Finelines by Stoney LaRue

Can't possibly pick...

one favorite. Thought I could even said it today '.... is my favorite band.' Well while I love them and some days they are, other days another steps up and I am reminded why I love them. I just had a random cd on and *sigh* Dave Matthews... oh right love them TOO...

I've always called Dave Matthews Band my 'ear candy' ~ do you get that? It's like so much great stuff and then lyrics that are fresh and original and yeah ~ "the space between the bullets in our fire fight is where I'll be hiding waiting for you...' I LOVE THAT... and they do things with their lyrics like that all the time... and musically, I'm typically a lyrics fiend, they have to fit with the music but seriously the right words can make the music better for me. The beauty of a DMB song is that it's all great and there is so much... the bass intro on Crush... the flute in Say Goodbye... I could go on and on... just love Dave Matthews Band. (oh and I've broke my own rule a few times now... what the hell that's the beauty of rules and I have no discipline in my life so it works...)

so a few that I think are just great... several from DMB

'When we make our passion pictures
You and me twist up secret creatures' ~ Say Goodbye

'Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain' ~ Two Step

'Just love will open our eyes
Just love will put the hope in our minds' ~ Pig

'Are you looking for answers, to questions under the stars?
If along the way you are growing weary,
you can rest with me until a brighter day' ~ Where Are You Going

To be inside my head...

would truly terrify most people that I know. Thank the Lord that I have the ability to filter my thoughts from most of the world and only let out the parts that make me look like I'm not in fact 'miles from sane'.

I spent last weekend with those that keep me sane. They are the ones that have held me together during the hardest period of time in my life. I know they know ~ without words exchanged about the importance that they hold in my life.

Yet for me that's not enough and the quandry is that there are no words. Not the right ones, not the ones that feel like they truly encompass the gratitude, the importance and the love that I feel for them. So that means I usually end up trying too hard and looking needy ~ which I am but not at the same time. Just know if I came across that way, it's not because I don't believe in you..... I truly do, but it's because I doubt everything and second guess... and third and fourth even... everything. Yes I do in fact think too much. If I let you see this about me it because I do trust that you are with me forever no matter what....

my lyrics for you all... the whole song 'cause you can't break it up and it's all there...

Quiet Mind ~ Blue October....

A slow strangle with my feet on the floor
I've got 14 angels and we're sleeping alone
in the back of a cave where the rest of us go to feel normal

I call baby up leave me alone
I'm in pain but I won't let you band aid the wound
I'm mad at a stage where I can't even handle my own

Give me a quiet mind and I, I love you
You give me a quiet mind and I, I'll love you
Until the end

Give me strength to be kind
to combine all the good things in life
that were so hard to find but I have
and I won't let them go like I do with my friends

still hearing voices from front, from behind
they're the reason I choose when to live, how to die
when to cast, when to reel
when to buy, when to steal
and when to fiend for the friends
that taught me being inappropriate will...

Give me a quiet mind and I, I love you
you give me a quiet mind and I, I'll love you
until the end...

thank you for that...

Best Bumper Sticker...

I've seen in awhile... 'People make plans... God laughs... wing it!'

There you go!

and I'll leave you with these lyrics 'cause they are brilliant....

Mary ~ by Jason Boland

I know I said I'd be alright
well it's just gonna take a little while
I've tried to wait with the patience of Job
It's like busting out of prison using a broken file
To each his own and so on
I think each of us we might own the wrong one
Yeah there might have been some cause to cry
I was just trying to have some fun

Yeah Mary save me 'cause I'm sinking
oh won't you please throw me a line
Mary save me 'cause I'm sinking
Mary I'm running out of time....

I told the biggest...

truth of my life today. Not that I am prone to lying, but when it comes to things that I really want, I try to push it way ~ a friend said that I don't 'take my place in line... that I let people cut in front' and that I should stop doing that. Well I certainly did that today by my standards anyway.

I am really terrified about the ramifications with doing that. But someone said and I believe that we can't feel badly about not getting what we don't ask for. Things were going adrift and it wasn't ok with me, I tried to pretend that it was ~ umm not so much really.

It's been such a crazy up and down day all over the place for me and for a friend so...

Can't Slow Down ~ Randy Rogers

Cause there’s highs  and there’s lows
This rollercoaster’s out of control
I can’t tell the sky from the ground
It’s wrong, but it’s right
It’s gonna be another long night
I see the lights of the next town
And I can’t slow down