Sunday, February 25, 2007

my babies have been so fortunate...

to have known so much love in their life ~ something that has always been important to me is makin' sure they have an appreciation of those that came first... the lessons of the generations before us are vital in growing compassionate... understanding... loving people... during their lives they have been blessed with not just the love of their grandparents... but their great-grandparents minus two great grandfathers... have been a large part of their lives

they have heard stories of a time when... telling stories around the dinner table was the entertainment for the evening because there was no tv... they understand that a very large part of who they are comes from a land far away and have heard the tales of what the journey to this country meant... what it cost ~ and not in dollars... these woman are beautiful... they are strong... their humor is infectious... their beliefs... their will...

today i got the news that they lost one of these amazing women and i sit here broken hearted... the woman who truly raised their father... his grandmother passed away yesterday ~ such a great loss for them and for me... when she first heard that our marriage was over she hugged me... kissed my cheek and said 'Lori... I don't divorce anyone.'

i haven't told them yet ~ one of the benefits of living so far away is that i can delay the pain... i will tell them soon but it will devastate my daughter as she so much loved her GrammaDora... 'You know mama she says good night to us each night as she passes our picture on her way to bed' ~ there are so many difficult things you have to do as a parent... but i think this is the hardest... especially when you are hurting so much ~ yet you have to try and be strong for them because they need you to be

She was truly Loved... and She will be missed... Godspeed... GrammaDora

that's my driver...

WOO HOO!!! and we SWEPT California... my Matt Kenseth did!

see the whole Daytona Crew Chief Suspension may be an actual sign of good luck... i'm just sayin'

Friday, February 23, 2007

to lighten up a bit...

y'all know about my numbers deal... so the answer to the burning question that most of you keep meanin' to ask i'm sure ~ am i excited about going to see 23

Ummm No... here is why

my beautiful Jordan... named after the great one himself who once wore 23... was born on 4/19 which 4+19=23... and i gave birth to her when i was 23... so for me... it's a number that means completely the OPPOSITE of what this movie seemingly is about...

told gage that story... creeped him right out... lol

Thursday, February 22, 2007

in an important conversation last week…

a dear friend pointed out that my ‘achilles heal’ is that i truly look for the good in people and can always find it even if i have to overlook a lot of other things… i understood the point he was makin’ in terms of the prices i’ve paid in the past because of this and it’s not something i really even want to change because i don’t want to become any more bitter… skeptical or cynical than i already am

so the reason this quality is my tragic flaw ~ when i am confronted with the blatant ugliness of something i believe in… it HURTS and i am sitting here in complete SHOCK right now

i liked believin’ that we were ‘the cool kids’ and not so much because i have any kind of need to be cool… i’m not even kind of cool… i just believed that we ‘got it’ ~ that even though a vision was forcing change… momentum… growth that was encompassing a much larger audience i believed there were those of us ~ and TRUST me when I say I’m at the back of the pack of those people… i’ve always felt like i was the last to hear the BEST secret ever ~ but i believed there were those of us that you would never leave behind...

i remember back in the beginning of my relationship… throughout our days ~ those of us that believed the most FIRST… we loved sharing our stories of how you made our lives better… of the healing that we felt because of what you sang… i remember one day you showed up at our home ~ one you built for us ~ and i sat paralyzed… in tears at my computer because it was you… and even though there was a computer screen between us… it was the first time i knew for sure we were in the same place…

well at this point that has changed… i have pictures to prove it and even better memories of so many occasions where ~ i got to put another piece of the broken me back right again because of you… is this all too much to put on someone maybe and it’s not really… it was the music so much more than the man… it was the fellowhip with others like me so much more than the man ~ i GET THAT… but for ease of writing something that i need to write but hurts so much…

i hope that the ones that follow you now are as appreciative of what they have ~ we certainly were those of us that are left behind… see i know most of them personally and they are the loves of my life ~ the ones i choose to spend the rest of my life with and our bond was forged out of a common love of you… i understand truly what you mean to them and will forever and that is something that is hard to recreate on this new level with the means that you are choosing to attempt to do that with

for the record i’m not offended… it takes a lot more than a four letter… wait seven letter word to offend me… it’s the shifting tide… the apparent compromise in beliefs… the way I see it… your playing both sides of the fence… on one hand you’ve changed… your more mature… not in college… have a family and that is the reason for the change… and on the other… don’t be offended… it’s a college thing

k… after all this… i will forever love you… i was just telling someone that i miss you… but this morning… this hurt

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

there is never enough time...

at least in my world there isn't... yet what are we rushing around for... where are we going exactly ~ that's a frustration for another day i guess... and i will come back to it 'cause we all need to stop and spend some time taking care of each other i think...

anyway ~ so somehow i made it through those 9-12 weeks ~ see i don't even really know how long it was... i do remember the first time that the phone rang... so much tried to come out all at once that it all got stuck and not much made it's way out at all

anyway ~ i gotta get that island that i'm gonna take everyone that i love too soon so we can just be... 'cause it's already been a week... there wasn't enough time... now there is only one left and this one will be spent at the other end of the state with others that have pride to express and times to share...

but there was friday night... where we stood together and it was perfect... watching everyone and being in our space where we were able to revel in all that being there together meant... where we once were... how far we've come... how grateful we were for the ears... shoulders... and hands that helped us along the way... at that time in that moment... pride was not at all a sin

it was indeed the best investment i've ever made... i'm honored to be on the short list... stay true...

Monday, February 19, 2007

for those that aren't on myspace...

so an old friend 'found' me recently... and in checkin out 'his space' ~ i was introduced to this... most of you know about my depression issues and most of you help me through my lows continuously... this is an idea... a cause... a passion that i can support...



READ THE STORY HERE.

TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS.
by jamie tworkowski

Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."

I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her.

Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her.

She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm.

The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.

She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her.

I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes.

Thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando's finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous, a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London just to catch this show.

She is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott's) Travelling Mercies.

On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos tour is in town and I'm not even sure we can get in, but doors do open and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly hope.

Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone. One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar, singing songs she's inspired.

After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff.

She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life.

As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."

I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly.

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.

I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember.




Tuesday, February 13, 2007

so in being silly last night…

i made a comment about the fact that i divide my life in two segments… pre Stoney and post Stoney ~ and because i’m well me… i’ve spent the better part of the last 15 hours overthinkin' that statement…

it was in april i believe… plans had just been finalized for the kids to go be with their dad for six weeks and i was sad… terrified of being away from them for too long… doing what i do… surfin’ the net… listening to music ~ i was still pretty reserved about the internet so mostly i was listening to the one who brought me to it all… lurkin’ on a few websites that i had been checking out not sure what to really think even though everything i felt was that it was safe… so big announcement… picnic in the Park… in Austin… what the heck… i’ve got nothing better to do… i've got no reason to be ‘home’ ~ booked a trip…. a hotel… bought a ticket to the show… and THAT was the day that my life changed… that’s when the line was drawn

k… back to last night ~ that song i wrote about… well before that line was drawn ~ i had no one in my life that i could have said… ‘oh listen to this… it does… that thing that it does for me… ‘~ before i would have just been left with this overwhelming ache… the need to share something and there was just never anyone there ‘cause i’ve always been the one who ‘gets a little crazy’ about music… but now not only do i have people that i can share that with… but it grew to more… see the thing about this passion is that it is such a big part of who i am… way beyond just music but how it affects the way i perceive life in general the way i react to situations… the choices i make… the way i interact with people…the way i raise my kids… just everything…

so here it is almost three years later… the road has been well what the road of life is… full of peaks and valleys… uturns… too much construction and congestion at times… and days when you feel like you could just go forever ‘cause there truly seems to be nothing in your way ~ and through all of it… in this ‘after’ life… you have all held my hand at the very least on the best of days... carried me through on the days when it was just too much for one to handle on her own… you believe in me… you celebrate me… you tolerate me… so on this day before the one I don’t celebrate anymore ~ outside of a little something for the two halves of my heart… today I give you my thanks for the love and the friendship that you overwhelm me with each and everyday… you are all forever my valentines’ and I’m blessed for that

music may be the reason i came... but the people they are the reason that i stayed...

Monday, February 12, 2007

'...you deserve much better...

than tryin' to hold me together...' ~ Drew Kennedy...

OH MY HECK... new FAVORITE...

'you deserve the truth...
you deserve your youth
you deserve much better than holdin' me together...'

i hate it when this happens... 'cause what happens is i can't ever get enough... when i find something that i FEEL like i do this song

'i've never had more fun in my life...
when you think of me remember that night
if i have the right to ask that's what you do
'cause i'm so in love with you
and you deserve much better than tryin' to hold me together'

'... i believed you when you said you'd never leave
so please let me....'

it's on his myspace.... www.myspace.com/drewkennedy... 'Goodbye'

this obviously isn't the whole song... just the ones that got me...

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

my friends are just the best…

after my little mommy tantrum ~ which was real ~ and the steam that was released here was necessary… but you know i’m not sure why but in this head of mine that just never stops i am convinced that at some point in time they (my friends) are all going to realize that i’m really not worth it and leave… wonder why i feel that way… anyway ~ so i got my smile brought back to me by a phone conversation… and i actually slept good thanks to a movie that made me laugh outloud even though my initial thought was ‘… there is NO WAY I’m gonna like that’

i’m truly blessed and THAT is reason number 2 why i moved here!

Monday, February 05, 2007

when people ask...

why i moved to Texas the natural assumption seems to be.... 'oh is there a guy'

my response is always... 'oh no... i've got two hands and two kids... that's all i can handle'

having said that ~ do i sometimes think it would be nice ~ sure... but then i have a night like tonight ~ JOCELYN STOP READING HERE YOU WILL BE FINE ~ and it feels like the whole evening is full of just constant trials... seeing how far i can be pushed... and i'm not gonna lie i'm exhausted tonight so that makes it worse... but i've tried to keep that in mind when scolding yet ~ if i were the type to compare... which i'm not for the most part... i gave them both a pretty severe warning when they started pushing my buttons early ~ well one got the picture and i really didn't have to say another word... the other one not so much

so when it's quiet and i'm alone with my thoughts in the time that i am usually thinkin' it would be nice to have someone to go over the day... to watch whatever or nothing with... to just bounce life off of ~ on nights like tonight i'm reminded why i will never be able to have that... i can't imagine that anyone would want to be part of this... it's messy on nights like tonight and it makes me uncomfortable because the right thing... is the hard thing and its to stand my ground and explain why bad choices have consequences and no you can't do that because all the behaviors up until this point in time have shown me that you don't deserve it... so if i'm feeling uncomfortable and they are mine... how could i ever think that someone would choose to be part of this...

anyway the conclusion to it all ~ she is a girl... so the guilt is poured on... that's always fun ~ in the end there are tears and there are apologies... attempts at understanding and promises of better days

you know... we haven't had these in a year and a half... i actually moved here to have these kinds of evenings because in the long run... they will be better for them

Thursday, February 01, 2007

i would never intentionally hurt anyone...

it's just not who i am ~ yet i live everyday with the fact that i did hurt one of the ones i love the most... there are excuses... i prefer to call them reasons but the bottomline is that it happened... i'm not proud and i will truly spend the rest of my life knowing that something that was once untainted now has a scar... i will apologize everyday if that's what it takes... i've tried to explain it... i think i have ~ i'm not perfect and when i'm in pain you mostly wouldn't really recognize me...

having said all that ~ everything considered... i'm glad that while i was hurting and being self destructive i'm grateful that you were there because if you hadn't been... it might have been worse if that is possible... so just

again

i'm sorry

and

thank you