measure of loss...

her home... her friends... her books... her stuffed animals... her space... a closed door... her secret trinkets hidden in special boxes... time with her dad... and all too young her innocence on that horrid night and in a lifetime i will never know what that did to her

i ask too much of her all the time... i can see it in her eyes... of all of us she has lost the most and i need to find a way to give some of that back and soon

i can't explain to anyone let alone her just exactly how important she is to me... and i'm sorry everyday for the path that her life is on because of choices that i had to make... i know they don't get it what they see is that we should be grateful and appreciative which we are but it doesn't replace all that once was that was good it just helped fix what was bad

i'm not gonna win mother of the year ever... i'm not even in the running and i'm ok with that... but i want to help my girl see that the sun has indeed come out and the storm is over that she can trust

new favorite song...

When the Stars Go Blue ~ Ryan Adams

Dancin’ where the stars go blue
Dancin’ where the evening fell
Dancin’ in your wooden shoes
In a wedding gown

Dancin’ out on 7th street
Dancin’ through the underground
Dancin’ little marionette
Are you happy now?

Where do you go when you’re lonely
Where do you go when you’re blue
Where do you go when you’re lonely
I’ll follow you
When the stars go blue

Laughing with your pretty mouth
Laughing with your broken eyes
Laughing with your lover’s tongue
In a lullaby

Where do you go when you’re lonely
Where do you go when you’re blue
Where do you go when you’re lonely
I’ll follow you
When the stars go blue
The stars go blue, stars go blue

bits and pieces...

of my life before 'the hurricane' have been recovered... most recently my stereo and surround sound ~ umm yeah i'm TOO happy

so today i was reading and listening to some random cd's and all of a sudden Wade is singing... 'Please come to Boston for the springtime i'm stayin' here with some friends and they've got lots of room...'

and i was immediately transported to The Woodlands... my Meg... i could feel your arm around me... and hear you singing with me... i could see Renee smilin' back at us... and the random couple that kept giggling at our silliness so much so that we had to explain why that was our song... that is why music is what it is too me... she may not be in Boston anymore and i may not be in LA anymore... but forever... whenever... whoever is singing it... when i hear that song that fabulous memory will flood me with more joy than anyone person should be allowed to feel... Thank you for that

so i was tagged by my pink lady...

so now I must write down six (6) things/facts about myself that most people don't know and then choose six (6) people to 'tag'... not sure i can find six people or six things even...

1. i'm addicted to dental floss... the new Crest Glide is FABULOUS

2. i can't sleep with the bottom sheet tucked in... my feet can't breathe so i can't breathe

3. i graduated Valedictorian... but being number 1 of 19 isn't saying a lot

4. i can not play video games and i don't want to learn

5. mostly i think i'm 'forgettable' ~ it has been pointed out with proof recently that i'm not

6. i still get carded for cigarettes... i'm sorry but i don't look 18 or younger

so i'm gonna tag Gage, Sheila, Stephanie, Maureen, Brandon and Brian

'...hate me so you can finally see'

'what's good for you' ~ Blue October

and i heard this on the radio... yesterday... randomly... which made me S*T*U*P*I*D happy

so here is it... quite possibly my favorite song forever... and for me to say that is saying A LOT...

Hate Me ~ Blue October (oh and check them out... Jay Leno - April 14th)

i have to block out thoughts of you so i don’t lose my head
they crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
dropping little reels of tape to remind me that i’m alone
playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
there's a burning in my pride... a nervous bleeding in my brain
an ounce of peace is all I want for you
will you never call again...
and will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
and will you never try to reach me
it is i that wanted space

hate me today
hate me tomorrow
hte me so you can finally see what’s good for you

im sober now for 3 whole months
it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
the one thing that always tore us apart
is the one thing i won’t touch again
in a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
while I was busy waging wars on myself
you were trying to stop the fight
you never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
you made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
so i’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

hate me today
hate me tomorrow
hate me for all the things i didn’t do for you

hate me in ways
yeah ways hard to swallow
hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

and with a sad heart i say bye to you and wave
kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that i had made
and like a baby boy i never was a man
until i saw your blue eyes crying and i held your face in my hand
and then i fell down yelling make it go away
just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
and then she whispered...how can you do this to me

hate me today
hate me tomorrow
hate me for all the things i didn’t do for you

hate me in ways
yeah ways hard to swallow
hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

it was COLD...

and i can't even begin to make that word look as it should 'cause it just flat out was... but it was perfect... the kids got excited about Clifford the Big Red dog... and bored with too many random Marshalls... and past Marshalls... Colleens... and previous Colleens... so they ran around playing what looked like football without the ball... i was with my two 'moms' and yup even at 33 when Annmary looks at me and says 'Your cold aren't you?' ~ i still feel about 12 when she gives me her 'I told you so' eyes... and no kids we aren't going to drive in front because i'm still 16 just got my license and am terrified that i'll make some punishable error in driving so we'll hang back and follow... what a line i was walking yesterday... so many memories... so many new ones...

oh and Friday night... we had just enough to drink that we were in that silly, can dance to old 80's covers... sing every word 'cause yeah... we know them... but not so much to drink that we had to pull Big Blue over... well except that Christie's Travis has THE smallest bladder known to man... apparently Corned Beef in Cabbage at a Mexican restaurant is not a great idea ~ oh and in this case in particular even Mexican food at the Mexican restaurant was not a great idea... Margarita's are Green so they worked 'cause we couldn't find Green Beer... we laughed... we sang... we played... then we went home and woke up feeling fantastic

it was the best ~ it set the standard for all future St. Patrick's Day Celebrations no question... note to self... next year handwarmers in my pockets and my shoes... and a flask... it might help take the edge off the bitter... STUPID COLD that it is destined to be

it's my favorite holiday....

YAYAYAYA!!!!

Gonna play with some of my favorite people in the world tonight and then taking my babies to the parade on Sunday... i love Love LOVE St. Patrick's Day!!!

'May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.'

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!!!

the final broken piece...

was fixed the other night... my boss took me aside and told me that she admired and respected my work ethic... about a year ago i had made a decision that it was time for me to find a job and that terrified me because when i left the work force it was because i was not at all certain that i could contribute something positive to an organization... when i left my job in November of 2004 it was because i was overwhelmed by it all and not just not doing it well but was seeing it faulter because of me

the first job that i had was mindless yet vital in the company that i was with... i did it and i did it well... i secured an account for them that they had been trying to get for over three years... they were appreciative and they commended me ~ i had forgotten how good that felt

when i started at this job... i was terrified because i had never done anything like this before and i was warned that it would be overwhelming and very difficult at times... i was not at all sure that in my fragile state of mind that i would be able to step up when the time came ~ well i did and i did it well

to have her say that to me and to have the people that i work with and respect so much because they have made the restaurant what it is and given it the reputation that it has... well that was just exactly what i needed to feel whole again... completely whole

i truly love my job ~ every aspect about it... whoa...wait nope still hate, cocktail sauce... tartar sauce and ketchup

'cause he's been the most consistent...

artist in my life... throughout my life

the rules ~ pick an artist/band and answer the questions with only song titles ~

1. Name of band/artist: Bruce Springsteen
2. Are you male or female?: Rosalita
3. Describe yourself: Dancin' in the Dark
4. How do you feel about yourself? Brilliant Disguise
5. Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Lost in the Flood
6. Describe current girlfriend/boyfriend: My Beautiful Reward
7. Describe where you want to be: Livin on the Edge of the World
8. Describe how you live: Born to Run
9. Describe how you love: Leap of Faith
10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish?: All That Heaven Will Allow
11. Share a few words of Wisdom: Be True
12. Now say goodbye: Don't Look Back

heard this today...

for the first time in a long time... gotta love the music God for reminding me of what i love most...

Crazy ~ Pat Green

saw you early this morning sleeping all dressed in white
for a moment i thought you were an angel come to take me home alive
you woke up and you caught me staring
smiled and said hey cut it out
you said that i must be crazy
i said crazy about you and i kissed you on the mouth

if i am truly crazy don't you know
i like my life that way
and if i'm really going on out of my mind
won't you hop on board and make your getaway

took a walk on down the seashore
saw a beggar picking up some cans
saw a little boy who had some salt in his eyes
reaching out for his mamma's hands
then i watched a stranger give that man a dollar
watched a mamma wipe tears from here little boy's eyes
then i stared up into the heavens
said oh my God i'm glad that i'm alive
so glad that i'm alive

if i am truly crazy don't you know
i like my life that way
and if i'm really going on out of my mind
won't you hop on board and make your getaway

wake up in the morning we turn all the lights on
turn em out at night so that we can hide
sometimes i sleep with all the lights on
it helps me to appreciate the night
i hear people talk about life all the time
all they remember are times so sad
don't you think that life would be awfully boring
if the good time were all that we had

if i am truly crazy don't you know
i like my life that way
and if i'm really going on out of my mind
won't you hop on board and make your getaway

hop on board... make your getaway

Reading...

is another passion that i have... i just read ~ in about an hour and a halfs time 'cause it was just that good... The Five People You Meet In Heaven ~ i realize i'm late on this one but my kids are just finally old enough that i can sit down and read without too many interruptions so i have some catching up to do ~ anyway

fantastic book... my favorite quote ~ "Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you’re not really losing it. You’re just passing it on to someone else."

i met this woman yesterday... her father passed away on Sunday ~ 11 years to the day from her mom's passing...i pulled my dang 'lori numbers' thing 'cause i just flat out can't help it... and you know i thought i'd get the look from her like i have three heads or something but she said that she really liked that perspective ~ i'm a freak no question... but one with good intentions and after talking to that woman who was just sad and messy at the beginning of our conversation... i helped her out of her head and her pain for awhile... that makes me smile... big and real ~ so i gave her the book 'cause i think it will also help her

could it be that...

the reason i was at work at 7:45am... would stay late when required... would work weekends when necessary... would take emergency calls at all hours... was because my life at home was failing... NOT my life at home was failing because i chose to work like that ~ see my life is pretty great right now and i don't have the desire to overwork myself to exhaustion... i absolutely love my job and enjoy the people i'm with everyday... if someone needs me to take a shift i'm there... if we are busy ~ sure i'll come in and work half a shift on top of my regular one... i make brownies because i feel grateful and am happy to do it... but my days off are treasures as well and that's a new thing for me... so this morning it kind of hit me ~ random but as much as this blog is for others to have insight on me... it's my place to put my 'A-HA' moments as Oprah would call them... a documentation of my life from insane back to sanity or from messy to somewhat neat again...

the second time around…

there will be tattoos ~ not diamonds

nothing larger than queen size

there will be laughter at the dinner table… not silence

meals cooked together

heat and air conditioning

random road trips just because

family vacations

important alone time

no jealousy

communication

trust

respect

music everywhere all the time

when you’ve failed miserably once… the second time your expectations are lower which allow you to be free about the things you want ‘cause you already have experienced the worse… there is truly a feeling of nothing to lose when laying out needs, expectations and desires… it frees you to be you and be certain that you are in fact who they want

and my favorite song from RENT today.... 'I'll Cover You' ~

'so with a thousand sweet kisses
i'll cover you
with a thousand sweet kisses
i'll cover you
when you're worn
out and tired
when your heart has expired...'