‘Mama… mama….MAMA..’

...my son comes running in the kitchen of my dear friend Lisa’s house last night… with all kinds of urgency in his voice… ‘What… what… Jake WHAT is it?’

‘THIS is the BEST Christmas EVER’

and he goes running right back out on to whatever it was he had been doing after givin’ his ‘Aunt Lisa’ (he just started callin' her that) a hug on the way out…

we had an orphan Christmas dinner last night… a bunch of people that didn’t have a lot of family in town… we got together… good food… beer… a HILARIOUS White Elephant… it was the perfect evening

my kids were spoiled just enough to have ‘the best Christmas ever’ but not so much that the meaning of the day was missed… as evidenced when we were in the car on the way to Lisa’s ~ I’m giving the standard… mind your manners… you were allowed to bring selected items as long as YOU SHARE… say your sirs… m’ams… pleases… thank yous… etc ~ my son says ‘Of course mom… Christmas is all about kindness and friendship!’

so my daughter was bumped up into the BEST gift ever category when she presented me with a wax molding of her own little hand with her fingers making the PEACE sign… she went to Six Flags last month… with HER OWN money she paid to have that made for me and she’s kept it stashed away from me… GOOD STUFF right there…

there was of course a *hiccup* doesn’t even merit mentioning… but it was just enough to keep life in perspective…

a year ago...

i was sharing a room... with my son... in my parents attic... i had a job i enjoyed but it was going nowhere... and i actually was about over the restaurant BS... i loved my customers but the rest of it was just out of control... while i was about to move and i knew things were going to be better i had NO clue how really... i just knew that i was going to put all that i had in my car and get here... i had a roof over my head... i knew how i was going to pay for that and honestly... well i just knew i was resourceful enough that i would find a way to make it all work... i truly came to dallas with 'a dollar and a dime' and not much more than that except for A LOT of faith that this was the right thing and it would all take care of itself

seriously... i was just born to be here... i can't explain it in any other way... i had so much to move for already between the already established friendships and my love for a bunch of talented artists that make their living playing here... i knew that my quality of life would most surely improve without a doubt... and i'm so blessed for all the time that i have got to spend with the ones i love the most and all the amazing shows i've seen this year not to mention that i've got to share this with my children which just means more to me than i have words to express

ok.. so i had my office holiday party last night... now a year ago i didn't even know most of these people and now they feel like family because we spend so much time together and we love and take care of each other as such... again i have truly been blessed to be embraced by a group of people that genuinely celebrate me and i am sincerely excited to go to work each and everyday... well last night i was named Newcomer Employee of the Year ~ i don't even know what to say... i don't know that i have ever in my life felt so loved and blessed and i just truly was completely overwhelmed by it all...

i hope that the holiday season brings joy and blessings beyond your imagination to all of you that continue to hold my hand through this crazy life of ours... its been nice walkin' with y'all for awhile and not feelin' like your carrying me

love THIS...

THE WORLD 'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE!


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl
said:"NO!" (or said I'm done being married to you now...) And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched sports (ok football is the exception), never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

THE END


and a post script to my last entry ~ i got a STAR as an early Christmas gift... SEE that's exactly what I mean... now i'll never have to wish on anyone else's star... and it is the 2nd star to the right...

if you have to ask...

me what i want for Christmas or my birthday or whatever... you probably shouldn't be getting me anything ~ if you don't know me well enough to be able to find something that represents who i am to you... or makes you think 'Lori would love that' or i need Lori to have this 'cause she'll get it... well then really there is no need to buy me something just 'cause... i'm not a just 'cause kind of person... sorry if this offends anyone... i've been asked this a lot recently for well the obvious reason and it really just rubs me the wrong way

if i was making a list ~ well something like this would ABSOLUTELY be on it...



alright not all of that... but just the one on the 26th.... oh my HECK ~ MERRY CHRISTMAS to me... someday i'll write about my first show at the Sidecar with those two artists... i say it all the time ~ that night changed my life...

todays favorite ~ Desolation Angels by Reckless Kelly

'... and it’s bound to take its toll
out runnin’ wild and livin’ free
and i’ve done some growing up
but i never lost the child in me
we’re tossin’ dice at things
that might not ever be
all just to see what I can see, yea..'

i LOVE the heck out of THAT RIGHT THERE

for those that don't think...

there is foliage in Texas... well drive down Frankford between Hillcrest and Preston... oh my HECK... i slow down to about 10mph because GOD has set FIRE to the trees... the last two foliages in VT didn't have as much color... SERIOUSLY

Saturday night..

so what may be lost on anyone that regularly reads this but doesn't know me really well... this latest love of Reckless Kelly for me is something that so many told me for so long that i 'should' have... i can't even count how many times i've heard 'what do you mean you haven't listened... you would so love them' ~ and many tried... i guess before i just wasn't in the right place and in my defense... ish ~ when i first came upon what we call OKOM... it was all so completely new to me and there was SOOO much to hear and learn and LOVE

what was different this time... i have NO IDEA... but i guess i was just ready and what they have to sing is what i need to hear and then see...

so i don't remember the setlist in order at all 'cause well it's still all so very new and i'm still takin' it all in... i did get to hear EVERY song that i have come to know and love... which i've been told is truly lucky as some they don't do that often anymore

what i loved the most is their energy on stage ~ what makes me love a band live is if you can truly see that they love what they do... and they were totally having fun and just playin' and jammin' ~ non stop!!! for me at a show... i don't need any between song banter by the band... sure i love an acoustic show and the stories that are told in the environment... but just to chat too much at a show... well ok not to be rude but mostly my experience is that they aren't paid to be comedians for a reason ok... and while the inside band jokes may be fun for the band ~ if they have to have fun with each other on stage then the audience isn't giving them what they need in my opinion... if that makes any kind of sense at all

anyway... Reckless Kelly doesn't do that too much... they interact JUST enough with each other to be a band and feed the audience the sounds that we came to hear the most and it was just AWESOME

AND THEIR FANS... oh my HECK ~ i didn't get beer spilled on me once... i wasn't shoved or knocked by some rude drunk person... i haven't heard an audience sing so loud in a VERY long time ~ oh and to EVERY SONG... while there was a few of well ok... i'm not in my 20s anymore... i don't dress to impress anyone... so there were a few of those unlike me lol ~ mostly it was just people that were there to just see and hear their favorite band... not to be seen by anyone... i got to experience all of this with some of my favorite girls in the world and of course that always makes everything better...

i loved 1952 Vincent Black Lightening as much as i knew i would... their rendition of Run Run Rudolph was fun ~ oh and David i believe his name is AMAZING on the guitar... i think the crowd may have been louder than Willy for Wicked Twisted Road... Helter Skelter was a nice surprise and the reason i LOVE live shows the most the little gems like that they throw in... Break My Heart tonight is just a genius song i swear...

and *sigh* Vancouver...

'and now i'm packing it up and rolling on out for Vancouver...
for some wasted youth and fresh set of lonely stars
and i'm wondering baby, if you ever saw the best of us
and i wonder what you're doin'... and i wonder where you are...'

ok... glad i have this in my life

'cause someone asked June

if she was happy or just not unhappy... so it got me thinking.... how do i define happy.... while i agree with what most had to say to her ~ i'll add a few things for me here

~ i wake up most days before the alarm.... oh which is set at 5:45am... and am truly excited about the day ahead has in store

~ i experience more smiles and laughter throughout the day than i do frustration, anger and tears

~ i am told at least once a day by more than one individual that they love me... and i BELIEVE them

~ i have too many exciting things planned... for me a key to happiness is having something to look forward too... i've got Arizona... NYE... my parents actually coming to Texas in February.... the promise of a Spiderman visit in my world... Greenfest... BWJ's HOMECOMING... LJT's... Vegas... IDAHO.... and that's just the stuff that I know about!!! the last year for me has been full of spur of the moment fun that has been priceless

~ my health is vastly improved and i generally feel REALLY good everday

~ my house is my home

~ my bed is comfortable and everynight... i fall asleep with no tossing and turning for fear of what tomorrow brings but with a peace that i had only once hoped i would find

~ and the best part of all of this... it's all MINE... it's not at all based on what someone else thinks or feels about my life and my choices... and that for me is GINORMOUS... it's probably not even a word but you get what i'm saying


ok so i was planning on writing about *sigh* Reckless Kelly 'cause i finally saw them last night... review to come later

so i heard this song for the gazillionth time today...

'...and the less I seek my source for some definitive
the less I seek my source ~ the closer I am to fine' ~ Indigo Girls

whoa... k... like i said listened to this song A LOT... i just LOVE it... have for awhile now... really just 'GOT' it today...

this will be mine...

in five to ten business days...

i am SOO excited ~ i don't think i've ever invested in 'me' quite like this before

'Your life is an occasion... rise to it.' ~ Mr. Magorium

alright... i loved this movie... Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium ~ for about a million reasons ~ and yes... its basic maybe... cheesy i'm sure... but you know a little reminder each year of the most important gift you can receive during the upcoming Christmas season ~ the gift of belief... whether this joyous time of year renews your religious beliefs and reminds you of how amazing the love of our FATHER truly is... or if it's the belief in magic ~ you know the magic that you'll wake up one day and even though it seems impossible that ONE special thing that you dreamed of is actually yours (i believe that any day can hold the magic of Christmas... somedays that magic is needed more than on just 12/25)

so this weekend started with just a blah conversation ~ when should we sit my daughter down and tell her the 'truth' about Santa.... umm well in my opinion never... my view ~ she will hear soon enough that some tainted soul tried to spoil the magic for someone... and what i will do at that time is to reassure her belief in the magic of Santa ~ because well surely look at all we have... and she knows how hard that it gets for us from time to time... yet we still manage to get through ~ that magic comes from somewhere.... i'll explain to her that its more about the belief than the shiny packages... but the packages help to reinforce and she'll just have to see what the day brings 'cause well you know... something always shows up that wouldn't without anything less than a Santa miracle... and the final gentle reminder will be that of course what's most important is that we are celebrating the birth of our Lord at this precious time of year...

what makes me sad is that i know the one that initiated this conversation... never had anyone reassure them of the same when they were young... i forget how the line acutally went today... something like

'why do children forget what they once knew when they are grown-ups... aren't grown ups supposed to be smarter?'

brilliant... love that!!!

***Thanksgiving Post Script... i'm most Thankful this year for an email letting me know that the one i thought about the most during the Aggie game actually got to see the game...*****

it's my favorite holiday...

here's my list...

the things I'm thankful for this year...

Jordan
Jake
Kailey
Juno
Courage
Pat Green
Sparkling Water
Jocelyn
My Snuggle chair
My ipod
Patience
Auctions
Texas
Christian
Almonds
Drew Kennedy
myspace
Roadtrips
New Babies
Possibities
my Simon the Spiderman
Reckless Kelly

and finally i'm most thankful for my family... from the ones that share my blood... to the ones that share my soul this has just been a remarkable year for me ~ quite possibly the best ever... even with all the highs and lows... they were made better or easier because of my decision to make that leap of faith and just move

much love to you all...

i don't dance...

so if i tell you this makes me want to snap my fingers... stomp my feet.... and DANCE.... i mean it... and if you don't react the same... you may need to check your pulse... no offense... but seriously

ATM

ok... i swear i can't even make this stuff up... oh and what happens on the road.... stays on the road... AND in my blog...

so apparently.... according to this very beautiful... ummm lady... lol i should be america's next top model and well now someone at the office calls me ATM for short ~ now let's get serious ~ i don't know that i'm beautiful... or 'smokin' hot' as lb said... but i'm about a foot too short... ten years too old... and well quite frankly my feet are planted way to firmly on the ground but well... you could NOT convince her that she was wasting her time tryin' to teach me the runway walk ~ lol some funny shit right there i don't care who you are

ok... the short version

while i can in fact 'hang' ~ i really need to go to be bed earlier.... 'cause 217 properties on four hours sleep will kick my ass.... brad's new job is to ensure that if he's going to bed... so is lori ~ however our track record will show we are 1 for four in travelling together so i'm thinkin' i need a back up plan

apparently even lears have issues... ours was bigger than we knew but the exec bar at Million Air is SWEET and thank you Mr. Bradshaw for letting us borrow your plane... it's very Very nice

and the previously mentioned new best pal was waiting up for me... he's my favorite!!!

i work with so many people that i love playin' with too.... that's SUCH A GREAT THING...

i don't have a sleep number and quite frankly don't want one... kind of like sleepin' on a stack of cardboard for me... even on the softest setting

i'm the MOST tired i've ever been in my life but it's a really Really good tired

i'll leave you once again with the brilliance of my new favorites....

'write what you know and it just goes to show...
you gotta write your own destiny...' ~ Reckless Kelly

insert told you sos here...

'cause my new favorite right now.... that i can't get enough of....

...my first love was an angry, painful song
wanted one so bad I went and did everything wrong
the lesson in reality would come before too long
yeah my first love was an angry, painful song...' ~ Reckless Kelly

a bunch of random stuff

NYE ~ the current plans are perfect... it includes ~ two of my favorites artists... and i MEAN that when i type that... a cabin... most likely a fire... which means i'll have the makin' for smores... there will be BEER... 'cause i enjoy it... and good friends that make me happy

i am now someone's supervisor... and along with that i got a nice raise... i definetly like it here ~ in Texas that is... i knew i would... but if it's possible it's even BETTER than i hoped it would be... so i'm stayin' ~ lol like that was ever a question... i've decided to wait on the perfect house... this year while it's been awesome has been quite the balancing act at times... now that i've got my stride and breathe easy most days i'm going to allow myself a whole year of 'status quo' before shakin' things up again... there will be another beautiful... perfect house next year ~ they are everywhere around here... lol

yellow makes me feel beautiful ~ i mean i believe it... that i'm beautiful when it comes from yellow... (this is not a ploy for a bunch of 'of course your beautiful posts' those that would do that... i know you think i'm beautiful and i absolutely adore you all for that) but what i mean is.... from the inside and the out... no make up.... should be wearin' a ball cap... doesn't care and yellow still says i'm beautiful in a way that i JUST BELIEVE... that's a good thing... of course with me its complicated but you know what... for right now... i'm just going to sit in this place with this amazing feeling and not worry about all the junk

it's Thanksgiving next week... my favorite holiday... i'm not even kind of lookin' forward to it... that makes me sad... i have so much to be thankful for this year too... we'll see perhaps i'll be pleasantly surprised

ok... that's enough for tonight...

Peace... Love... Live Music ~ it'll feed your soul and set the world straight i promise!!!

I’ve said this before…

But I do believe that this time I’m sticking to it.

I’m D.O.N.E.

DUDE ~ you have one job… ONE job ~ kick the ball between the uprights… and I don’t want to hear about best ‘clutch’ kicker … 29 yards… that’s a freakin’ GIFT at the level you are currently playing… a clutch is anything over say 45 yards with almost no time on the clock… you make that you’re a hero… you miss it’s heartbreakin’ but still you can be forgiven ~ 29 yards ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME?!?!?!?!!

So what am I done with… I SUK at being a sports fan… seriously. I get way too upset… I yell not nice things… my heart rate increases to a level that may border on dangerous… and for what… really my life doesn’t change based on the outcome ~ oh wait I do hear from A LOT of people who REALLY love me when my Colts lose…lol

I’m really REALLY good at being a music fan… and you know what ~ even at the worst show I’ve ever been too… the stories to be told after still bring a smile to my face and make my heart happy… Christian summed it up perfectly this morning ‘Musicians hardly throw interceptions or miss 29 yard field goals.’

And along those lines… I got the question yesterday that for some reason I generally dread when asked ‘So how did you get to Texas from Vermont and California?’ ~ now typically when asked this question… I dodge it… I find a way to get out of answering… I only half answer the question… but you know at my son’s birthday party yesterday… I realized ~ mostly I don’t even care what anyone thinks about my decisions… so why the hell would I not proudly say ~ I moved here because I heard a cd one day that lead me to the BEST LIFE a girl could ask for… I defy anyone to meet my friends and know our stories and NOT be jealous because I have been taken care of , put back together and celebrated by the most loving, caring, generous group of people a person could ask for… and yes I follow my passion… ABSOLUTELY… and how lucky am I to have found it… I mean you’ve seen them… the ones who haven’t… the people you pass on the street or in the grocery store… they have forgotten how to smile… the spark has left their eye… their soul is starving… someone told them to grow up so they did thinkin’ that meant leaving all the fun behind and accepting the mundane… ~ i am fortunate to NOT be that person… so from now on… when someone asks… well it’s ONLY my favorite story to tell… hope they really want to hear it!

let me tell you...

i'm glad its Friday ~ and i'm not even that upset that i don't have much planned for this weekend... first off there will be much fun to be had next weekend as i was scolded for doing a jaegerbomb without my new best pal on Monday so apparently there will be one waiting in NCAL for me NEXT Friday night when i get off the plane... two in fact i've been warned...

last weekend was more fun than i would have imagined... i keep trying to blog about it... but see you write it down and it becomes a bit too real ~ so it needs to stay a story that we will giggle about because seriously... i NEVER behave like that...

in fact there were a few times when i was my own Jiminy Cricket... sitting on my shoulder sayin' what on EARTH has gotten into you ~ having said that... it's come to my attention that while most of the people in my life find me pretty responsible and i'm generally the good one in the group... well as with everything there is always that exception to the rule and i'm truly NOT that bad of influence... and we did follow the one rule... there were no drugs in the car!

well as much fun as the weekend was... i did get the call Sunday night ~ the 'see you later' that i've been dreading... five months is too long... and they don't need him as much as i do ~ especially since they have NO IDEA what they have... if they just let him talk to any one of those in charge over there... he'd convince them why what they are doing is wrong... he'd explain how to fix it... and they would have an action plan and it would be immediately implemented ~ trust me i've been there... if he can almost convince ME i'm a republican... he can in fact execute world Peace... anyway... there will be emails... and that will help me get through... and then he'll be HOME!!! and like he said 'Dallas... dammit... oh well Lori's in Dallas so now Dallas is better' ~ and you know he means that!!

after the festivities yesterday we now have a Jedi Force Action Light Sabre weilding.... Cowboy boot wearing... Optimus Prime keeping our world safe from the Decepticons... seriously ~ he'll make you believe too i promise...

i will spend this weekend nursing my beautiful Kailey back to health... i understand that part of the responsiblity of loving a pet is accepting that we will outlive them... i'm trying to get out of the realm where again i'm the exception to that rule...

so Jake is 7 today...

and this morning... i brought him breakfast in bed... and gave him the card that i got for him... and my little man looked up at me with his big beautiful brown eyes and there were tears...

'Jake.... honey why are you crying?'

'Happy tears mama... i'm just so glad you are my mother'


so we cried together... Happy tears

Gary Allan ~ Living Hard

EVERYONE should get this cd… now… seriously it’s incredible!!

This one is singin’ a lot of what I’ve been feelin’ lately…

As Long As Your Looking Back


Got your feet wet
Got your heart broke
Didn’t pan out
Like you’d hope’d

But you play’d fair
And you swear that love has…
the damn deck stacked

And you just won’t put it behind you
But you sit and you dwell on the past
Well can’t you see
You can’t see tomorrow
As long as your lookin’ back

You had someone
You could count on
You believed in
Bet your life on

But your back turned
And the knife fell
You swear that
Pay back… is gonna be hell

Now you just can’t trust anybody
‘cause a friend was just a snake in the grass
Boy can’t you see
You can’t see tomorrow
As long as your lookin’ back

You can’t move on
‘til you let go of what’s gone
no your never gonna trust anybody
if you sit here and dwell on the past
fool can’t you see
you can’t see tomorrow
as long as your lookin’ back

got your feet wet
got your heart broke
didn’t pan out like you’d hoped…

do i or don't i...

because i found out last night that i absolutely CAN... and all on my own... which makes me feel pretty great i must say....

so do i make an offer on what is seemingly the PERFECT house... or do i just sit tight for one more year just to feel well that much more secure with my life....

hmmm

oh so you want to see this house.....

http://www.centralimagehost.com/cihost/US/TX/75013/P/660/mls.htm

its really perfect for the five us....

ever been really REALLY ANGRY

and just not want to share that with anyone ~ k... that's where i am right now... i'm tired of the lies... NEWSFLASH:

i am a grown up ~ i DO NOT need to be protected ~ trust me i've come far and from where i was i will not be broken again... i just won't allow it so don't think that i've given that power to anyone nor will i ever again... and i think that protection may translate to cowardice anyway or worse...

here's what i'm teaching my kids... don't lie to me ~ no matter how hard it may be... nothing is worse than a lie... we can always work with the truth and move forward to a positive place ~ but if you start with a lie... you build a castle of cards that is unstable and will eventually come crashing down around you

i have no patience or tolerance for lies... and someone asked me once what the biggest lie i've ever been told was....

'i love you'

k ~ walkin' away from this now... and leaving on a positive note

Bleu Edmondson ~ Lost Boy... buy it... HEAR IT... it's worth it!!! and it will make my heart happy when you share that you get it...

'we hoped against hope to find one voice
to sing what we were desperate to say...' ~ The Echo (Maybe Tonight)

it like free money...

sort of... my girl had an evaluation today ~ it was determined that there is enough room for all of her teeth... they are coming in beautifully... braces will not be necessary

i'm thinkin' i might be catchin' that break i've been lookin' for

so i'm being a grown up...

and i don't much like it ~ but it was the right thing to do...

i keep tellin' myself that this years magic wasn't for me... and tryin' to be ok with that... for the record it's not workin'

so a few things that are on my mind...

Friday Night Lights... well now it's my FAVORITE SHOW... so it'll be replaced halfway through this season 'cause i'm a jinx for tv shows i'm sure of it

apparently i can pick College Football winners... who knew... lol

Gary Allan's Watchin' Airplanes is my latest obsession... NOT EVEN A CLUE why

i will be at Bleu Edmondson on thursday night... PERIOD ~ it's necessary

i love my life ~ truly and i'm tired of feelin' like i'm supposed to apologize for that

November to April is just going to suk... i keep sayin' i made it from October to January without even feelin' too much pain... so i'm hopin' that works again this time... however right now it seems impossible

'When you grow up your heart dies...' ~ i come from The Breakfast Club generation... i remember the first time i saw that movie and hearing that line... i remember thinkin' THAT will NOT happen to me... well it hasn't ~ but i worry that many of my kind took it seriously and have let it...

mostly i'm REALLY grateful for my friends ~ everyone thinks they have THE BEST friends... i know without question that i in fact do... from the ones that check in everyday... to the ones that i can not talk to for a few months at a time and yet... time has about stood still and all that matters is that we care and love each other A LOT!!!

Mason Charles Walker...

is here!!! and i already love him so very much ~ today was a fabulous day!

i'm pretty sure...

i've never been as emotionally and physically drained as i am right now... tomorrow will be day sixteen of work... my next day off will be Saturday ~ not that i'm complainin' just explainin' ~ it's my first night home... alone in a long time and i'm very grateful for it... i made it through but i gotta tell you... it wasn't easy and well that would be why i'm emotionally drained... there was the possibility of a new boy... i'm still on the fence about the whole thing... it's hard sometimes when your free time is limited you have to really be choosy of how you spend it... do i want to risk wasting the time on something that may not be anything or keep the status quo and just do what i know i love... i've had so many changes this year... maybe its enough for awhile ~ my track record proves that my choices in companions of the opposite sex well let's just say i need improvement... i think the issue may be that i don't 'need' one... i don't know that the ones i've come in contact with know what to do with that...

mostly i love my girls so much and i'm looking forward to Thursday... we get to play to the tunes of Josh Grider and THAT makes me smile!!!

Labor Day '07

so I’m supposed to figure out how to put this all into words…

Saturday is easy… it was a great venue since I was bringing the kids to see Randy Rogers for the first time… outside… grassy, shaded area for their chairs… plenty of games and bounce houses to keep them entertained while we were waiting… a nice size crowd and a PERFECT set list… we even went down front for the encore… Jordan was absolutely in her glory ~ not to mention that i got some much needed love from some of my most favorite ladies in the world… it was over early… which was perfect as we needed our rest…

what can i say about Sunday… the line up was a fail safe in and of itself… but ok ~ two things stand out for me as perfect mommy moments… we waited in line for Jordan and Jake to meet and get their picture taken with Stoney… Jordan has him sign her cd… and Jake ~ ok Stoney taught my son how to make ‘rock star’ fingers… you know \m/ ~ and i have a picture of it even… which is sayin’ A LOT for me ‘cause I never remember to take pictures… but that moment for me was greatness…

THEN as if that were not enough… Jordan decided that for Stoney’s set she was going to the front of the stage… and she did… waited there for about 30 minutes for the show to start… and held her own for the entire hour… the look on her face when she walked back to where our chairs were… was absolutely PRICELESS… I told her… you know I’m always proud of you… but mostly the things I’m proud of up to this point are things that I just expect…do well in school… be polite… conscientious… things like that ~ but for her to be able to hold her own in that crowd and enjoy the show like she did… now THAT is my girl!!!!!

We left after Stoney’s set… the kids were exhausted from so much good stuff already… it was a bit warm… although the threat of rain helped cool it off…

Sunday…. Oh my LORD Sunday… first of all… if I’ve said it once I’ve said it 100 times… all I really need is a boy and a guitar ~ female voices for whatever reason don’t appeal to me and while I can appreciate a full band show from time to time… acoustic gigs will forever and for always be my favorite…

Ok… so yeah a boy and a guitar… well 16 boys with their guitars… that doesn’t suk either!!!

the first set… Walt Wilkins… Darren Kozelsky… Ryan Bingham and Adam Hood…

wait Wait… I need to back up… so I get to the venue… meet Sara we head up stairs and she says to me ‘You’ll need to prepare yourself…’ ~ which I had already known because we bought the tix that included lunch with them ~ and of course… first thing there’s Stoney talkin’ with people like he’s just a regular person… anyway ~ i did fine… kept me knees in check… found the rest of my girls… and while standing there talkin’ to Shelly… Brandon Rhyder comes up to me to say ‘Hi’ and asks me if he can have a hug… ummm sure... I am so not cool enough to be hangin’ like all that…

so Walt… yeah Poetry… tears… nuff said… right out of the box!! These artists complemented each other well and started the evenin’ off in amazing fashion! And Walt and Tina on Someone Somewhere Tonight… again… tears

‘…someone, somewhere tonight
just got their own wings
found some truth
found some beauty
found some meaning
in spite of it all…’ ~ Walt Wilkins

the next set not to offend anyone… but I skipped it… didn’t really know any of the artists and well I needed a bit of a breather after starting out like that…

set 3… Josh Grider… Brandon Rhyder… Radney Foster… Randy Rogers… and Brady Black…

ok… as great as the music was during this set ~ and we heard some new Randy Rogers that is going to be amazing… and well Brandon Rhyder is my latest favorite… but two words my friends… RADNEY FOSTER… watchin’ the artists in awe of him as he played was as entertaining as the rest of it… and Radney singing Godspeed… then Brandon singing Freeze Frame Time… well I was a messy puddle again ~ oh for the random person that is just comin’ upon this today ~ these are all happy… inspired tears by the way!!!

set 4… may i preface this with… in the last four years I’ve had dreams of havin’ these guys all together on stage in front of me… but never truly believed that I would be blessed… and I’m sitting here typin’ this as the tears well up just thinkin’ about it…

Wade Bowen… Cody Canada… Stoney Larue… Jason Boland

For me… for all that this music has meant to me… all the healin’ that has been inspired by some great songs… those four right there get 99% of the credit ~ my favorite cd is a bootleg… and most of you know the one I’m talkin’ about… anyway… it was all I could have hoped for and more… so very much more…

‘if everyone was together
i guess no one would be alone
life's a lot of trade offs in the end...

somewhere in the fields of heather
the proud souls laugh and love together
somewhere between passion and losing friends…’~ Jason Boland *sigh*

so he's a grader now...

first grader... and we had homework...

want to know what my son thinks the best thing about himself is... 'i'm the brains of the operation' and i tried really hard not to laugh 'cause he doesn't get that makin' people laugh is a good thing yet

he looked so cute in his new outfit today ~ let me tell you what... Kohl's has a line of Tony Hawk wear for little boys... VERY cute!!! when i made too much of it ~ what does he say to me 'Mom... they are just clothes... it's not like they will make me popular or anything.'

and my girl... a sixth grader ~ and she has no idea how proud she made me when telling me at dinner tonight that she sat with a new girl who broke her leg over the summer... 'Mom... I volunteered to help her with her books and stuff from class to class 'cause that's just going to be too hard for her.'

again... it's the little gems like those that make me feel like maybe i am doing something right after all...

you know...

every once in awhile i'll hear a song... and wonder if the writer knew me while they were writin' it... i know but they hit so close to home sometimes... so mostly that means for me it's usually the time i need to hear something... to help perhaps with a fork in the road of life...

the most recent addition to the long list of songs that are in my soundtrack....

'she's growin' tired
of tryin' to light your fire
you better wake up.... you better wake up
or she'll be gone
'cause no one stays in love alone...' ~ Brandon Rhyder and Radney Foster

and i'm just sayin'... *sigh*

i'm tryin' i promise... i suk at this

i'm coming out of my skin...

and i have been on this crazy emotional roller coaster for two weeks... and i love roller coasters... but i want OFF this one... now please ~ i am exhausted and i have a bad attitude... i take it out on the wrong people... and i just have this horrendous sadness in the pit of my stomach... i know it's a time thing... and it will fade but i have NO patience...

ugh ~ i need Labor Day weekend now... good music... my dearest friends... and to just be in that place that makes me the happiest ever!!!

so i'm gonna go to Idaho...

i heard a lot over the last few years that i should really listen to them... well i tried a few times... i guess i just wasn't ready or available or on overload or more likely than not i was supposed to wait... and it clicked at the exact moment that it was supposed to ~ and now i'm excited... to be in a BEAUTIFUL place... with the most beautiful souls i've ever met... and just playin' hard... together ~ like we do...

i believe that the countdown has already begun...

'may peace find you tonight
like a breeze through your window
and sit by your light
let it warm by your fire
and laugh with delight
like a heavenly choir
may peace find you tonight...' written by Willy Braun ~ performed by Reckless Kelly

jamie is my favorite...

'And God must be a pretty big fan of "today", because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live.' ~ jamie tworkowski

i had a moment today that took me back to a yesterday that i try very hard to let go of... and yet it lives inside me... down deep where we put the things that broke us... i mostly believe that i've moved on from it... yet like all skeletons... they try every once in awhile to come out into the light... today it was more of a realization that shook my foundation... an explanation of sorts that makes sense yet i want it to go away ~ i choose to not live in the pain and i don't like it when it takes over... while it's very much a part of what makes me who i am... it does not define me... i've decided for tonight to just be... and tomorrow ~ i'll be better for it

i have THE best job...

not even kiddin' a little bit ~ i am TRULY blessed!!!!

Ohio didn't suk... i love putt putt... fireworks... private planes are pretty much the only way to fly...

oh AND my new FAVORITE thing...

'So your from Texas?' ~ i will NEVER get tired of people asking me that!!!

new favorite song...

The Story... Brandi Carlile...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Oh because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through like you do
And I was made for you.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

Ohh yea it's true... that I was made for you

if you are wondering...

why i don't pick up the phone and check in much these days... it may have something to do with this... we started tracking calls at work the last two days... and i average 40... YES 40 phone calls an hour...

i believe that may be why the last thing i want when i walk out the door... is to talk on the phone...

my sincerest apologies if this has 'hurt' anyone... i still love you all as much as ever i promise!!!

to the man who decided...

to attempt to tear me down for 25 minutes today... you have no idea how i ache for how sad and lonely you must be... to believe that talkin' to people in the manner that you spoke to me is the way to interact with another human being must have been reinforced by years of disappointments and failures... i wonder truly if your mother hugged you enough... if you have ever known what it means to be loved by another person or if you have any kind of compassion for anyone in your heart at all... you called me a liar and a racist... and you based such bold opinions on what exactly... that things were not going as you would like them too... my goodness to have gotten this far in life and not learned that lesson already how bad every day must be for you... you claimed i believed you to be stupid... sir i promise you... my children get punished harder for using that word than if they slip on a curse word... because not only do i not use that word... i don't believe anyone is... uneducated in areas from time to time perhaps... however... it's our responsibility as members of this rock... to help each other and educate each other as necessary...

i realize that you do not know me at all... if you did... you would understand that calling ME a RACIST is quite possibly the most absurd accusation ever... i don't even see people as most do... i don't see color... hear accents... i sat with my father in November after 9/11 and listened to the shame in his voice because he had flown for the first time after the horrid attacks on our country and when a gentleman with a turban sat in the row in front of him for a moment he was nervous... even then my father was ashamed that he let that in to his belief system for even a minute... i was raised to believe in individuals and base my opinions on my personal experiences...

or a liar... please... i tell even painful truths because i understand that the consequences of the latter is just not worth it...

sir if you were to knock on my door this evening... with a need for anything ~ i would graciously extend my world to you... i believe if i have and one needs... it's my responsibility as a good human to share... and even still after how you were today... i would with the hope of turning your face towards the sun so that you can see in fact that life can be good... i would extend my hand to you

for now sir... you are in my prayers

i have sunk to a whole new low...

Sunset Tan... it's my new favorite show... who knew that the tanning salon business would be such a stressful one... that there would be so much drama...

and in the rest of my tv world ~

they took my Taquita and Kaui... i'm heartbroken...

i want Ami James to do my next tattoo... or you know what Chris Nunez... either one... heck i just wanna go hang out with them for a day...

The Hills starts back next week ~ YAY!!!

Sunday is the premier of Rock of Love... this should be fun...

Top Chef Season Three has been very disappointing so far... too much hot tub stuff not enough food stuff...

Is Blow Out coming back because i miss Jonathan?!?!?!?!?!!??

yes... ladies and gentlemen... i'm sure there is quality programming on the TV ~ i just choose to avoid it!!

'...you're better than any midnight sex'

'... can't stop cause if feels too good' ~ Libby I'm Listening ~ Blue October

yes Ladies and Gentlemen... you read that right... can i just say... i love this band!!!

and the fact that they sang that live Friday night to a group of really wet... but really happy fans just made it all that much more clear to me... i don't think i truly believed it was going to happen until they came out on stage... i never got that over excited feeling that i normally get... the rain... THE RAIN... the traffic to Austin... there were just so many things that seemed to point to this not happening... right down to the torrential downpour that we drove there in... but we braved the water... had a beer... laughed out the circumstances... decided to find our spot... and low and behold if the sun didn't peak through finally... a double rainbow... stars... and them

*sigh*... and they were so glad that we were there as Justin said... 'I wouldn't have stood out there in that for anything.' but we did... and it was so much more than worth it... and i get in a zone... and i don't even care about anything going on around me... this lady next to me... kept touching my arm telling me she liked watching me... not in a creepy way she was sweet... but don't watch me... the show is on the stage...

there were so many highlights... Sweet and Sombre Pigeon Wings... oh my LORD... the set list... don't ask... i'm terrible at remembering but i do very clearly remember... the feeling of true euphoria that comes over me when they are up there doing what they love...

it was exactly what i needed let me tell you... and the rest of the weekend didn't suk either... random trips to Waco at 3am... our new friend Mark... learning that Hobby Lobby is about to be the next fashion mecca... people watching ~ you'd be surprised the fans of hip hop that we discovered saturday night... we've decided that really drunk girls don't have very good friends... especially if they leave you with your 'posterior' (GREAT WORD Christy!!!) hanging out with two security guards while the ambulance comes to pick you up... laughing with friends... just sharing this thing that i love ~ so much... with others that love it too... i needed that!!!!

did i mention Sweet and Sombre Pigeon Wings???

the plane landed...

and they are safe... thank you Lord... the mostly clear sky this morning was like your hand on my shoulder assuring that all would be well and for that i am truly grateful...

now... all i have to do is get through the next 30 days without my heart... knowing that they are happy and going to have the summer fun they deserve helps...

i love my children... and i like being with them... it's to the point of selfishness that others get to for the next month and i don't.... and i'm not so much a selfish person

i have Blue October on Friday... and a weekend in Austin... i'm hoping to go to a little chapel that i find enchanting on Saturday... and well the rest of the time is mostly up in the air... books i want to finish... a Jason Boland show that i'm excited about because i have yet to see them... well i'm not really counting Wolfdance... lol

the first day alone is always the hardest...

6/28/2007

as of today this great state acknowledges that i am in fact a resident!! it's been over 10 years since i've been a resident of the place that i live... i've been a bit of a nomad over the last few years or so... i think it's safe to say ~ i'm home!

a blessed life...

that's what i have... and it all began when i felt as if it was over ~ i had found that the dream that i believed in was not real... and decided that to be the best me i could in spite of it... some changes needed to be made... and somewhere i found the strength that i needed to make them ~ in the course of that i found solace in song... not that unusual for me i have always found what i need in music ~ this time it put me on a path that lead me to more than i could have hoped for me... a second chance if you will ~ at a dream...

three years ago ~ in the midst of such great pain... i planned a getaway and made my first trip to Texas... and yes again this year as the anniversary approaches i am flooded with memories of how monumental that trip was for me in my life... the friendships that were solidified that weekend are true bonds of love AND believe me in the time since... those bonds have been tested and truly are unbreakable...

from the moment i stepped off the plane that weekend i had butterflies so big they shook my knees and made it close to impossible to stand and really i had no idea why i was so nervous...

that first night... i met people that i had been waiting to meet for so very long... and even was surprised by one that well i was let's just say less than thrilled to meet which today is just unthinkable that he would not be a part of my life...

so many moments are imbedded in my memory with crystal clarity... the drive to Nutty Brown... Wade on the radio ~ EVERYONE singing along... thank you my Laineyloo for that... that car ride gave back more to heal my soul than you will ever know... and there are a few that are blurred by the intense amount of love that overwhelmed me... when we first arrived at the Nutty Brown... i was hugged in the shortest amount of time by more people than i have ever been before... i was truly dizzy...

my first trip to El Arroyo with Amy (i miss her too much!) oh and still today i am at a loss for the fact that Christy did not run away after the drive there ;)... hangin' out by the pool getting to know each other all afternoon... Hill's Cafe... and a moment... it was nothing more than a look ~ but it was one that i believe... has bonded us forever ~ that dinner still it amazes me that any food was consumed amongst all the laughter... RRIH... Peter... Bleu... Danny... Jesse... again so many hugs from so many that were real and genuine...

the knock on my door the next morning... face to face finally with my junebug... truly my soul sister as so many things over the years since have proven... and then renee... i've never met anyone with a smile as bright and believe me the years since have proven what a truly amazing, inspiring friend she is and i am truly TRULY blessed to call her my friend...

i look at my life today and all that is now because of that weekend... the people that i depend on for sanity... i didn't actually meet Jocelyn until the second trip two weeks later.... Sidecar Pub... i've mentioned it a time or two... again another night that helped forge my future... Meg... that night in the Mexican restaurant... you'd NEVER have guessed it was our 'first' meeting...

in fact that's how it is with everyone because you all gave me the greatest gift... you accepted me for who i am and wanted to know.... ME... so i made it easy to share... and be real with you

so just thank you all... July of 2004 truly changed my life... you know what it started in March when Maureen flew to LA... there was something very special immediately between us... she and i have talked about it before and i've told her... it was almost like she gave me permission because of our similar circumstances and responsibilities...

there have been other incredible memories now because of that weekend... and true lifetime friendships that have been forged... my HayJay... another one that never makes me feel like i need to apologize for just being me.. Brandon who gets the way my head works ~ and sets things straight for me when i've made a huge mess unnecessarily...

and Gage... how do you thank the person that says to you when you are at your worst... 'Just get on the plane and let us take care of you..' so i did... and they DID ~ i can't ever repay that... how do you apologize to the one that you weren't ever going to hurt after you have just been horrid... well if you are lucky like i am you don't have to worry too much because they get the pain that you are in and are willing to help you through it... we have been through so much and still at the end of it all when the dust settles or the smoke clears... we are home for each other ~ PERIOD

it's been three years on the calendar... but a lifetime in so many other ways... i am grateful... i am loved... and i am truly blessed

it's funny how people rewrite history...

to fit into the box they want to put it into... how they often forget exactly the role they played in a situation ~ perhaps even the catalyst to something that otherwise would never have happened... i wrote this blog...

http://wrkinonhappy.blogspot.com/2005/08/i-think-i-figured-it-out.html

almost two years ago ~ the reaction to it... changed the course of my life yet again ~ and the thing is most would read that and be thrilled for me... yeah not in this case...

yesterday i sat and read an email that was quite upsetting ~ so here is the thing... i'm tired of these kinds of situations ~ it is in my nature to forgive and forget... well ish... i don't ever forget... but i don't keep bringing it up at every opportunity and TRUST ME the opportunity has often presented itself...

my reality ~ i've spent the better part of the last five years trying to heal... trying to find a new way as the one that i was on previously just didn't work ~ did i try to make that work... yes... Yes... YES ~ there is a long list of things i over looked... apologies for the unforgiveable that i accepted... various compromies made that chipped away at my soul until it was almost unrecognizeable... needs that were met because it was going to make things better... yet nope that didn't work either

i'm not trying to sound like some kind of martyr here... but i was reminded yesterday by someone who was there through it all... that yes... in fact ~ what i believed to be true is in fact the way that it was

so after realizing that nothing more could be done... i stopped trying and said enough... decided to pick up the badly broken pieces of who i once was and tried to put them back together ~ i will admit that this process has been arduous at best ~ and i have made some mistakes in this process... and i have had to make some hard choices... and always thinking of two others in that decision making...

i really want to be done fighting... be done with anger... and just carry on... raise these two little people... and at the end of the day... rest my head on the pillow and just sleep ~ i don't live in my past ~ i have learned from it... and who i am today is a result of it... i know what i will tolerate and what i won't... and do i have the fight in me still ~ absolutely ~ and can i just say... if it needs to get messy... it will because this time i'd be fighting for more than me...

despite various efforts to the contrary...

it was a PERFECT week... Adam Hood on sunday... Bleu Edmondson on wednesday... EYB and my STONEY on Saturday.... there was a fair share of drama on friday that i'm not willing to talk about yet... but regardless of how that turns out... you know i wear a bracelet 'YOLO' ~ you only live once ~ i'm living and LIVING WELL

as previously mentioned...

i gave up on medicine and science awhile ago 'cause i was tired of not feelin' like ME... well they tell me three weeks and i will be 100% better... well after week 1... i'm mostly a raving lunatic that i don't much recognize as me at all... so i'm breathing... and going for a 2nd opinion on Friday... but seriously... lookin' forward to that week 3 back to me feelin' because THIS is NOT gonna fly

hypothyroidism

apparently my thyroid stopped working... which is a big deal... and yeah... strange but a bunch of seemingly unrelated issues that i was either ignoring... or just dealing with... or treating it and it may not be the real problem...

so... yeah... weird

it's one of those days...

that has reminded me exactly why... i have forever been in love with Peter Pan... and did not at all like Winnie the Pooh

no i haven't lost my mind...

so i saw the vampires today...

not exactly a rational term... but my experiences are awful at best and i am not at all a fan... so nothing personal... but yeah... that's what i call them

and now the waiting... see what well pretty much no one that is currently in my life knows... about four years ago... wait... five... i had a big 'C' scare... and when it was over... and i got a clean bill of health i said i wouldn't go back ever

i believe that i'm healthy... i believe that until someone tells you your sick... your not sick... i know too many people who were fine until... and then because someone said so they were... no offense to anyone out there that truly subscribes to modern science and believes... i just happen to be one that it hasn't worked for and i choose to live my life as far away from it as i can... and when my time comes... then there you go...

the earliest memory i have... well it's probably tied... but the most vivid... is the dr holding me down... while one of them attempted a vein... AGAIN... ugh... them makin' my mother leave... not sure why i guess they thought she couldn't handle it... i'd knock 'em out to get to one of my kids in the state i was in that day before i'd leave the room... times have changed... i'm a different kind of parent than my mom... anyway... i was a really sick kid up until i was about 10... and then... the diagnosis... food allergies... and a bunch of odd ones at that ~ might this be why my eating habits are as HORRENDOUS as they are today... probably ~ among other things...

anyway so now i'll wait to hear back ~ knowing that all is fine... believing that my mind is greater than anything they can through at me... knowing that each day... we make anew what was once old therefore... shedding any potential disease with it... it is a visualization thing for me... and the important part is that i TRULY believe it... which is why i went in and this all started in the first place... a seven day headache that i truly could not make go away... so far... they haven't disproved my theories that well they haven't got a clue... it's the nature of science after all right...

anyway... so my anxiety is up because of it... and well i do this alone... 'cause it's not fair to anyone else... i'm sure they will come back with something related to a) my age or b) my gender... 'cause well that's typical... and i'll eat more soy.. drink more water... walk more... sleep more... it'll be fine... but today... yeah... too many memories... that could potentially interfere so needed to get rid of them...

what do you do with THIS...

my son just said... before when i was old and lived in heaven ~ and it was nice there... when i got to pick to come back down and be in your tummy that was a good thing... i don't want to grow old and die again

yeah... just when you think you are prepared for anything... i think i'd rather go back to dealin' with jordan askin' if she can start dating... THAT i can handle

so i've mentioned that i'm reading...

today's life's lessons... 'the attitude is gratitude' ~ yes AMEN ~ i am grateful and if i haven't said thank you lately... well i've been remiss...

THANK YOU!! and if you are reading this... you know for what...

'...thank you for your time' ~ Adam Hood... Coffee Song... so much about that line... works for me... my second love language for example is time... and well yeah ~ that pretty much sums up how i feel about everything these days... life is truly made up of moments... anyway ~ i'm blessed and i know it... so just Thank You...

"Whatsoever you shall ask in prayer, believing, you shall receive." ~ Matthew 21:22

"What things so ever you desire, when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you shall have them." ~ Mark 11:24

ok ~ i realized something else... i talk to myself... but really i don't ~ see mostly i am doing out loud... what so many do privately... and to themselves just because it's what works for me... and does it make me look crazy ~ probably... but i don't even care 'cause i feel good... an open dialog for me has truly been better than any drug they prescribed... any couch session i ever had... you know i haven't found that particular building where many gather on Sundays and holidays to celebrate... worship... fellowship... like such a large portion of the population has... well at the risk of sounding blasphemous ~ there have been two occasions... at a little pub in Houston that is no longer in business... where i have truly felt closer to HIM than i have anywhere ever in my life before or since ~ so my point... i just carry it with me... and hold sermons of my own as needed... and find my answers on the wind... and from a variety of teachers... who all seem to agree ~ Truly

'All that we are is a result of what we have thought.' ~ Buddha

i figured something out the other day...

about why i'm constantly sitting here tryin' to write and just not able to...

i'm in a stage right now where i'm feelin' like i have so much more to learn... not that i've ever been the sort to be deluded enough to think i even come close to knowing it all... but i will say i had thought i had figured some stuff out... and well the proverbial rug... you know that thing that knocks you on your ass... and being older... a bit wiser... all that does is make you feel more confused when things do not go the way that you think they should... or maybe not exactly as you thought they were... so i've been reading... A LOT... blogs by those who are broken like me and finding their own way to put pieces back together... books about walking your path with strength and pride... anything and everything because really all we can do is help each other and i've found some lately that have been doing that for me... helpin' me remember how to keep my feet on the ground... one in front of the other... in and out... all that important stuff that when it gets painful ~ gets hard and sometimes finding a way around or through the pain that is different is helpful...

and yes i'm fine... well i'm happy... i definitely made the right choice... it's not about any of that... it's kind of an internal thing that i've lived with most of my life... and will probably never truly be rid of it... it's why i will continue to be a singleton and the one next to me in a rockin' chair when i'm 80ish.. won't be one that was a romantic love of my life... yet the one that told me once when tyin' my shoes was more than i could handle.... just wear flip flops...

you know in matters that don't much matter... i trust pretty easily... you need money... if i have it ~ it's yours... you need a ride... i'll take you... you need a car... borrow mine... you need something to eat ~ my fridge and my pantry is full... a place to sleep... my bed is yours... i'll snuggle with one of my babies... or my recliner works for me... i'll dog sit... house sit... whatever you need... if i can make it work ~ it's yours

until it comes to me ~ don't try to get in... it's closed officially forever now... 'cause this last go 'round... wasn't what i thought and the pain is in fact too great to bear so much like the wolf that would chew his own leg off... i'm also casting it away so as to be able to get back up and live again... not that i had stopped i just have been well enjoyin' the comforts of my own space... where the ones inside here... are pretty predictable and well for now legally required to be here ~ and i know ONE THING... and that is... they will never feel that i have forsaken them... 'cause some dream of degrees on the walls... medals around their necks... large bank accounts... pretty houses with white picket fences... my dream is that the two that i have brought into this life... will always know that i love them... and am available... and i will always let them know that i'm available... that there is no where ever that i would rather be than with them... probably to the point that they will ask me at some point not to come as they need the time for themselves... but that'll be ok ~ 'cause THAT will be the day... that i will sit back and know that i have in fact been a success...

so this was a bit scattered... will make NO sense to some... perfect sense to others... might upset some... but the thoughts are mine... and maybe now.. that they are here... they won't be so predominantly in my head and i can get some peace on the pillow again

i was watchin' Frankie and Johnny yesterday ~ i adore that movie... and she said something and the quote went something like this... 'why is it that when you are scarred they assume you were hurt as a girl... NO it's because i was hurt as a Woman' ~ something like that... yeah...

and i'm totally LOVIN' My Chemical Romance these days...

'... if you look in the mirror and don't like what you see....
you can find out first hand what it's like to be me
so gather 'round piggies and kiss this goodbye...
i encourage your smiles.... i expect you won't cry'

it's probably a good thing...

i moved to Texas when i did... 'cause otherwise i'd be movin' to the Happi Inn ~ next door to Taquita and Kaui... and hangin' with Rita 'cause i love Love LOVE these three girls...

i think MTV should follow joc and i around... it'd be like Taquita and Kaui meet Thelma and Louise!

it's a practice...

of mine to not say anything ~ when i have nothing nice to say... i call it hiding on occasion... these days are better than most 'cause i don't completely clam up... but i have found that when i'm hurting... to heal... it's really best for me to just be in my head... sort it out... and well get a puppy...



that's my Juno... and the beautiful thing... she loves me... and she just wants to love me... and she snuggles... like the best snuggler ever... while new people are exciting... not so much that she isn't still happiest when she sees me... she listens to me... she loves makin' me happy... we have a few bumps in the road... no question... for example she needs to understand that she will be close to 150lbs... so walking over the back of the recliner is NOT going to be a good idea... so anyway... my Kailey is still the most perfect dog ever... and still loves me THE most... after 10 years STILL... so here's to adding TO the love... oh tonight... they were both drinkin' out of the same bowl... it was the cutest thing ever...

i'm almost through my little phase... and they BOTH help... i'll be back to regular blogs... with all kinds of stuff... but for now... it's just truly all best kept where it is... well except for all THAT 'cause if you read it... there was actually a lot there!!!

i'm supposed to update this...

and i will soon... just everything i have to say... right now... ok... i will say this ~ i think one of the reasons there are supposed to be two parents is so that on days like today ~ when the fact that it's been eleven amazing years... you don't look around and feel so alone in all the emotion that comes along with that 'cause it's OVERWHELMING me this year... again ~ as it does every year...

she is beautiful... she is intelligent... she is stubborn... she is truly an individual... she is kind... she is loving... and today she is 11!

'mama... Morgan La Fay...'

'she's the hottest... most beautiful EVER... well she is kinda old... but still...' ~ Jake my six year old regarding the Medieval Witch that his latest book craze The Magic Tree House series is written about... her treehouse... her library full of stories that she collected while travelling for time ~ for those that don't know... anyway... it was hilarious

My new favorite movie…

and much like Spanglish ~ when i fell in love with that movie… i picked it up ‘cause i needed some fluff in my life and figured i could stare blankly at the movie… not have to think too much… if i’m lucky i’ll giggle occasionally but it would very much balance out the other flick that i rented that is much more the kind that I LOVE… which was also amazing Children of Men… see it SOOO very good ~ terrifying ~ but good

Anyway ~ yeah i was wrong… Jack Black proved to be endearin’ in much the same way that Adam did in Spanglish not typically two actors that make flicks i have to see… Kate Winslet is always lovely ~ when she isn’t flyin’ off the front of a ship… sorry for you Titanic lovers not a fan… and Cameron Diaz was not over the top funny but just enough with the right mix of angst to make you not hate her for claiming to have issues with men… lol

i sat and watched this movie… in utter amazement ~ they took four very different but distinct aspects of my personality and ‘characterized’ them in each of the main player ~ oh yeah forgot Jude Law is pretty amazing in it as well as a single dad with two small children who well just feels like the package deal he has to offer is probably more than anyone would really want to be a part of…

i’m sure those that know me really well will TOTALLY see what i’m talkin’ about ~ regardless… i don’t much watch ‘chick flicks’ ~ i like suspense… indie flicks that give my too many thoughts something to focus on for a bit so i’m not as scattered all about ~ but on the very rare occasion… when i pick one up… well it’s nice to be surprised and not bored.. The Holiday ~ if you are on the fence… don’t be ~ it really is a good movie… not award winnin’ life changin’ good or anything like that… but real without being depressing i guess… lol ~ i’ll leave you with a few of my favorite quotes…

Arthur to Iris ‘…in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend.’

Iris ~ ‘You are absolutely right. You're supposed to be the leading lady in your own life, for God's sake!’

Miles to Iris ~ ‘… i wrote a melody for you too… i only used the good notes.’

so the dust is settlin'...

but damn... at 4:11pm ~ my sister called to tell me that my grandmother was rushed to the hospital ~ she had lost consciousness at some point and where she was at in all that was unclear... the next five hours SUK'D A LOT... i'm not even gonna lie

so this woman... good Lord... to have her strength... we should all be so lucky...

the rest of this story is not for the feign of heart...

when my father (she's his mother) was sixteen... there was a tragic car wreck in which two fatalities occured... my grandmother was the driver... my father's father was one that was killed... my grandmother has never driven a car since that fateful night... i've always known that but fate stepped in when i was in high school... and i heard the complete story of that night... all that happened would have made most that i know... give up on any kind of happiness and just dislike life... not this woman however... not at all

she later found a man ~ the one i know as my grandfather ~ that has spent his life completely devoted to and loving this woman like we all hope to find one day... and her spunk... strength... spirit... faith... has never failed her

she taught me to love music... George Jones... Willie... Charley Pride... Conway Twitty... the ones by which i still measure all i listen to today... she hoped i'd dance... i prefer to sing... but in her living room we would move the coffee table and try ~ GOOD LORD would she try to get me to dance... i still do ~ dance that is... just in my own way... on the inside... where i don't embarrass myself... or with my babies... where i just don't care

just before i moved... i looked this woman in the eye ~ understand something about me... i doubt every person that tells me they love me... to the point it FRUSTRATES many... i have NEVER doubted her love... not for a second ever.. IN FACT... she knows all... she knows that i don't understand the most basic love you should never question... the ones i have ~ questions that is... i've always brought to my gram and her answers are Socratic... and perfect every time ~ anyway i looked her in the eye and said i 'need' to do this ~ for me to live my best life... i need to go ~ but if you want me to stay for you... if you need me to stay and be with you... i will

'Lori, i love you ~ i want you to be happy and know you understand that living life is most important... i will never be the one to hold you back and i will shine with pride in your happiness. i will miss you don't get me wrong i don't want you to go the selfish part of me will miss you and my great grandbabies but do what you need to ~ i always have.'

so realizing that she will be 80 this summer ~ i understand that i somehow have to come to terms with that which i can't even consider... i was a MESS this evening... A. MESS.

she is home now tucked safely away... her crazy freakin' dog bouncin' off her bed i'm sure... and i'll feel much more at ease after she gets a clean check from her own doctor on Monday... but i was truly spared a pain that i can NOT comprehend this evening...

in a moment of false strength...

i said to Joc... 'hey ~ i'll be fine... i'm THE Lori ~ i bounce i don't break'

OK to the powers that be that have now ~ in what may truly prove to be my darkest hour... chosen to test that statement... i was SOOO kidding... please hear this prayer right now and KNOW that losing her would in fact break me...

'won't you please...'

'... come to Texas to live forever
a California life alone (or Vermont or Boston ;) is just too hard to bear'

GOOD DECISION my meg... don't you think... we are so lucky to be here!!!

The Event…

Safe to say it did not disappoint ~ the line up ~ Drew Kennedy, Peter Dawson and Josh Grider started the night off with an amazing song swap set ~ the highlight for me being Drew bustin’ out Dublin Blues… it’s also been a REALLY long time since I’ve gotten to see Peter so that was pretty great as well! I get so torn about these kinds of things as EVERYONE should be listening to these guys ~ the selfish part of me knows however that if everyone was… well then nights like that would be few and FAR between

Then my favorite Adam… seriously ~ ADAM HOOD… not only is he a truly gifted songwriter… he and his drummer put on a show that gives everyone a run for their money and it’s only the two of them… but they have got it all figured out when it comes to stage presence… and that thing I was talkin’ about before with Stoney that light in their eyes when they are watching people as they react to their art ~ he absolutely has it too… he sang my Coffee Song and such a FABULOUS version of Purple Rain… it was Jocelyn and Maureen’s first show… and well yeah they of course LOVED him as well ~ DUH I wasn’t even a little worried

Walt Wilkins whose praises I have sung here before was up next… I have to say it was not at all what I expected which is why I need to take a second look since I now have a better understanding… he is one of my favorites… yet it seems he is going in different direction which may be fabulous… however I was looking forward to a full band show… drawing from the catalog of songs that I know as Walt that wasn’t quite what I got… so for me… I spent this time catchin’ up with old friends… meetin’ new ones… enjoyin’ my $2 beer ~ lol… LAUGHING TOO MUCH… chatting with those that I normally don’t and really just shouldn’t ‘cause I just end up sounding foolish… mostly just truly being in the moment because it’s one I’ve hoped for… for so very long

I walked around this world of ours for way too long feeling lost… wondering if any place would ever truly feel home… would I ever find people who would hear the first few guitar riffs in a song and just get it ~ that tingle up your spine… that feeling that for at least the next oh 3-4 minutes everything is going to be perfect… and on an evening like this… well that happens with every single song and the best is when it’s a surprise when the artist knows that as an audience we appreciate truly appreciate the music so sure go ahead play your favorite song ‘cause we believe in you enough to know that you are gonna ‘own’ it… ANYWAY my point… I’m not lost anymore… and to be there with the ones who became the family that I always wanted to be a part of whether you were there physically… via text or via koozie… it was truly priceless for me ~ so thank you all… for nothing more than just loving me… unconditionally… and totally not in spite of my imperfections but because of them…

Wade Bowen took the stage for the final performance of the evening… and I’ve seen him a few times before… but I became a fan Saturday night… seriously and being there with the ones who love him the most… Danny… Jesse… Renee… Jen and Maureen ‘cause when I think of those who love Wade… it’s THEM… it was pretty amazing… he sang Meg’s and my song… and it was so good to once again be huggin’ her and singin’ along instead of being on a phone with tear stained cheeks… he played ATLANTIC CITY… oh my lord… did he play Atlantic City… and for me… it was the most special because the first time I ever came to Texas… he came on stage to sing that song with someone else that I love… so standing there in that moment ~ I had truly come full circle…

The rest of the night is a bit hazy… between being on emotional overload… completely exhausted… and maybe just one or two too many $2 beers… we found our way home… and the pillow was welcomed… safe to say the memories will continue to pop up… and there will for a long time be moments of ‘oh I FORGOT about that’ ~ and that is the best part of it all!!

At the end of it all….

well just about the end ~ we were sitting there my fellow roadtrippers and i watching our favorite Adam and Drew doing a live radio show… Drew Kennedy played my song… Goodbye

well after a weekend that began with too much rain… a tour of DFW ‘cause well Maureen hadn’t seen just exactly HOW big it is… more man love than should really be allowed at a show ~ although i did enjoy my first Mickey and the Motocars show… i will see them again… it was truly a perfect ending to hear him sing… to the ones who do in fact ‘…deserve much better than tryin’ to hold me together’ ~ but in the words of Mr. Kennedy the song is in fact more fiction than truth ‘cause i am also not that big of a person…

seriously ~ i spent the weekend… with most of the ones who either literally or musically helped me keep things together and gave me hope for the better during what has been the worst period of time in my almost 35 years here on this earth ~ the number of people missing from this weekend is the smallest for me ever… when talking about being in a place with the ones i love the most… it’s the closest i’ve ever been to having them ALL there… that dawned on me at the airport waiting for Maureen and brought the first tear

the roadtrip… ‘cause really that’s almost as much fun as the destination if done right ~ was filled with so much laughter that the fact that i didn’t wreck even though Joc was certain i would SEVERAL times… is borderline miraculous… we got cute boys to call meg’s cell phone ~ which i call BS… i get well you know what i got… and you get cute boys… ~ we found the sweaty roadside porn ummm yeah trailer… no we didn’t stop no matter how hard she tried to convince me that Maureen wanted to… OH WAIT… five minutes into the ride down 75… Maureen asked if we had ever watched Oprah and Gayle’s Roadtrip… apparently Joc and i resemble those two ladies… Joc is Oprah… there were blue bonnets… kolaches… potty breaks… potty breaks in stinky nasty roadside stations that want to charge 2.59 for Chapstick… more blue bonnets… ok yes i’m happy now i see them ~ i really did think they would be bigger… the exception to the rule everything is bigger in Texas ~ except the flowers

we arrived for lunch and Hugs… ‘cause you know ~ ‘if they love us they will hug you…’

we are so fortunate… and the best part is that this day was all about celebrating just exactly that… not sure if that restaurant understood what was going on… we had people that had come from… Seattle; Springfield,MA; Tampa, FL; Las Vegas, NV; Houston via Boston, Allen via Vermont, and so many from this great state we all love including a couple of surprises ~ yay for Joc and Stu… it wouldn’t have worked without you ~ and to watch us… people must wonder… you can’t help but see the love radiating from all of us ‘cause we are part of something so amazing and we are a family… even though we don’t share a drop of blood… our tie that binds is much stronger than that… we love ‘a little piece of music soooo much’ to quote a movie that many of us agree even to be our favorite

k… that’s all I can do for right now… there will be more ‘cause well I’m starting to spill over

so i LOVE my life...

i can't even make this shit up if i tried... Frankie called today... and YES she is in fact happily married to Johnny... they are hoping to retire to Florida so they requested that brochure today... and no i didn't even have to ask she offered that she is married to Johnny ~ BRILLIANCE... to rival diamonds right there

ANNNNNDDDD... Joe Ely's cousin requested to be put on our mailing list and well yeah I did ask... lol

i do have a bunch to sort through with the weekend that we just had... and i will in the next day or so but for today....

'so they say that... Frankie and Johnny were lovers.. just like Romeo and Juliet
time never listens to fairy tales... so love had met the bitter end
he went back to his city life... pennsylvania called his name...
keep on living tryin' to find someone with the time to say...
thank you for the coffee... the simple conversation... thank you for the light shining in your eyes...'

k... Mr. Adam Hood and Mr. Drew Kennedy provided the soundtrack for this weekend for me...

thank you

a few things i believe...

The Secret may just change my life... do you know about this... google it... Law of Attraction..... you get what you believe... positivity brings positivity... i always hoped... and knew that certain things happened to me that just couldn't be coincidental.... no ~ it is the energy i put out... that's coming back... not that i needed a book to define that for me just it's nice to have some validation

2007 may just have the best 'new' music of any year in my life... we got Drew and Jack's new albums today... we get Adam Hood's in May... Bleu is due VERY soon ~ date to be announced... EYB in the fall... and those are just the ones i know about... there will be surprises 'cause there always is for me in music ~ and see this is special 'cause for the first time in a long time i'm looking forward to new like not just new to me but actual NEW albums...

anticipation is fantastic ~ memories are the best however... the feelin' of emptiness that accompanies those two things is sometimes too much to bear

i am finally being the best me i can be... yeah my skin feels pretty good

and i still and forever will believe in '... second star to the right and straight on 'til morning'

and that was just friday!!!

i got to spend my favorite holiday... in my new favorite place in the world... with my favorite people... it was beautiful... the sun was shining the wind was blowing enough to make it comfortable... there were actually fish this time which made the young one smile and squeal... there was long overdue introductions ~ and the young ones didn't embarrass too badly... we had YUMMMY Mexican food... there was a bonfire... and singing... and S'MORES!!!!!

there was only one thing missing... which i guess is why it was perfect 'cause well in all that seems perfect... there is a flaw

oh well there will be other times... more memories... but in case you missed it in the million texts... i missed you

at 2pm i had changed my mind...

i wasn't even gonna go ~ too much stress... work was NUTZ... i was feeling like i was letting down the world... i hadn't even considered another option until it was presented... but it was too late... and it was friday of spring break... i would have needed to arrange a sitter so much earlier than the night before... anyway... i felt so BAD... 'cause i miss him SO much ~ ugh anyway

so 'get off work... get the kids... get your ass up here' ~ PERIOD... there was no wiggle room in that... and so i did

thank the LORD in HEAVEN... and nothing helps clear my mind like a drive.. in my truck... with my music... it's the best for me...

so good news #1... we pull in and immediately my girls are there... but wait 'who's the dude with them' ~ YAYAYAYAYAYA!!!! that was awesome!!! and such a BIG surprise

the place was packed... and hot ~ yeah the sweatshirt was not the best idea i'm sure... but anyway... there comes a point in every night like this one where everything make sense and all is how it should be for me..

so they take the stage... oh my heck... i can't even help it... how much i love this artist... i had thought at one point that i might make the legendary trifecta out of this week... well that wasn't happening... we'll see what the summer brings perhaps when the kids are away... it will be easier for these kinds of things but first ALWAYS first are my babies and it wasn't the right time for that

anway... song after song... i can feel my smile... it's just the best... and there was so many times 'i can't believe he's playin' this' ~ Downtown... Texas Moon... Satisfied... SPIRIT IN THE freakin SKY... everytime i see him i don't think it will ever get any better than the last show... and it always does... just better and better

and have you ever truly watched them on stage.... not the show ~ that's not what i mean... but their faces... 'cause see they are looking out into a mirror and you can TELL they love what they see when the crowd is responding to them doing what they love the most ~ it's BEAUTIFUL one of my favorite things to witness if they are the type of artist that truly recognizes how great it can be... and he truly is ONE of those

then after ~ oh the after... 'come on let's go talk to him' ~ 'no i really don't want or need to do that' ~ 'yes you do... he needs to talk to the ones like you' ~ safe to say i walked away from that exchange... feelin' pretty great ~ and apparently we were the cool kids... 'cause they were all hangin' out with us after ~ i love that!!! and i'm gettin' better at it...

k ~ stoney's face when i told him 'oh no my daughter's name is jordan...' and that laugh that he has... PRICELESS

my friends ~ *sigh* ~ MY FRIENDS... thank you for sharing that with me ~ i truly am BLESSED to know you and to get to spend time with you and well you know...

'Let me tell you... that I love you... one more time...' ~ Oklahoma Breakdown... Stoney rox that song FOR REAL!!!

the thing about motherhood for me...

is that everyday with these amazing people is a blessing ~ i will whine about them... i will speak angrily about choices they make that frustrate me... i will be silent in frustrated contemplation about how do i help them see why things need to be this way... i smile because their wisdom is not jaded or guarded... we sing... we dance... we laugh... we argue... we talk ~ we are solid the three of us

my children saved my life ~ because when it came down to looking at the whole picture and makin' a decision about who i needed to be and the kind of role model i was being... i knew changes had to be made to be someone they could be proud of... someone that would demand their respect... someone they could trust and rely upon... during the hard stuff forever ~ deciding to be that person for them... put me back on the path of being who i truly am and breathed life back into a spirit that was almost gone

so what does all that mean ~ well for me given the fact that we've been extremely lucky in the last eleven years to not have too many trips to the dr for ear infections... no chicken pox... very few bouts of strep or toncillitis... between the two of them... i have more than enough fingers for the non well child dr visits we have had... and i do believe every single time i have had to take them in when they are sick... i hold them on my lap... with tears running down my face... in sheer terror of their mortality starin' at me ~ crazy i get that... and the tears are almost silent so they aren't frightened but it still shakes my core the waiting...

and today i sat with my boy on my lap... and i thought about the joy he brings to my life... and i have a few friends in my life right now that are about to understand that ~ and they are stronger than i have ever thought about being... so i know they will handle the fevers... the coughs... all the yuckies so much better than i do... that's why people get excited because until you have your own... there are just no real words to explain it... so when you know someone you care about is gonna 'get it' ~ the exuberance is OVERWHELMING

anyway... no real point other than... part of that lifesaving they did for me... leaves me at the end of days like today ~ alone with too many feelings... and that's why i have this mostly... for a place to put all that...

friday night...

Fuddrucker's and quite possibly one of the umm yeah not best movies i've ever seen... AND Dolly karoke... which was HILARIOUS and red neck home videos that were pretty freakin' funny all of this with my jocelyn....

saturday... laundry and life...

sunday... a surprise mini anniversary party for my mornin' glory...

i love that i'm living the life i want to LIVE!!!

to have this said...

'hey... she's not my ex anything... she's my future everythin'

k... that right there will keep me going always and forever

and in other news... i have plans with my favorites... my favorite HOLIDAY... my favorite ladies... and my favorite STONEY!!!

so a new thing...

i haven't listened to the radio in well YEARS now... which is not to say there isn't music in my life CONSTANTLY... but i like to choose what i hear... 'cause mostly well they just suk!

well i've been listening to the radio the last oh week or so on my drive to and from work.... and i LOVE it... yeah there is still the junk there always was... like ok this Joe Nichols song this morning... i'll wait for you or something like that i don't remember the exact name... and it's not really junk i suppose but yeah i was in TEARS 'cause well it's just you want to be loved like that... who doesn't and if you say its you ~ your LYIN' ;)

but what i've loved well let's see i believe it was Friday... Radney and Pat sang Texas in 1880 to me... not from my cd no... just randomly on the radio... oh my favorite part of that song and the way we sing it... 'they'll be those nights when Lori comes round... we'll tip our hats and wave to the crowd ' ~ lol yes i'm a DORK... please i know this

and then there has been Carry On ~ yes CARRY ON... and all of this after my little rant.... geesh... k so i'm not mad anymore... if my junebug isn't mad well i sure have no right to be 'cause if you know anything about her well SHE was THE ONE first... PERIOD ~ glad she rang in on this 'cause i've wondered a bit! thanks my lovely...

there are still too many commercials... and the DJs love to hear themselves talk and try to be funny ~ i'm sure they are... i just LIKE MUSIC... and too much that i would just rather not hear... k ~ my biggest issue Life is a Highway was already done PERFECTLY... why those flat boys thought they needed too and i love CARS... but pull out the other version... it rox on its own... but i love that i get to hear well i heard Stoney ask Joc... she was on the phone... i got giddy

i promise.. i'll stop soon... but for so long... it was just so BLAH... i'm really loving all my beautiful moments each and everyday

k....

all that i said in the last post.... well the meat of it... nevermind ~ i just need to relax 'cause i know whats real and sometimes i let silliness affect my judgement 'cause it seems real

what a freakin' day...

yes... see what makes it perfect is that there are still bad days... k ~ it wasn't bad ~ but i am strugglin' with trying to figure out how to let something go that needs to well i guess just go... i'm not sure how to do this 'cause i TRULY believed... and the pain that would come well i'm strong enough i know this now... but i don't want to test it... one of those that know my truths told me what i should do... but the answer to the question scares me... another puts up with so much more than she should... so i'm BLESSED... i need to stop... take stock... and make. a. decision.

because at the end of it all... i truly do deserve to be so much more important than i'm feelin' right now ~ see i write that and hear the voice saying 'do i have to tell you everyday' ~ well NO but maybe every other or every third wouldn't hurt

i hate that i just wrote all that... but i'm leaving it 'cause it's necessary...

oh on a lighter note... there is the possiblity of a boy that makes me smile... good lord... k.. nevermind ~ this is too much to think anyone might consider... k ~ thanks for listening... Carry On

"So do you like living in Texas?"

my dear friend asked me tonight... the one that i didn't want to tell... the one that watches over my beach... the one that taught me how to be a mother... i just had to be honest 'cause this weekend had a plan ~ well then life intervened.. SO even after that... my answer was still a resounding YES.. and then all the reasons why... and all the things that are so great about my life right now...

that's so hard for me to do 'cause i know how much she didn't want to hear that... i know how much she has wanted me to move back to my beach...

so i had a plan... and it got thwarted early on in the weekend... but still i sit here feeling pretty great 'cause you know... i go up to OK ~ and i sit and we just LAUGH... we laugh at goofy things on tv... we laugh at the kids... we laugh at me... i'm so FORTUNATE to be loved by her

and she loved me first when i was the most broken... they both did... OH yeah 'k... he tunes out when i talk about Pat... and i'm supposed to be mad at Pat.... SO why then was i crying in Blockbuster you might wonder... well cause i answered my cell... and live from SoundCheck in Chicago... i have Pat singin' "Tryin' to Find It" ~ i'm never surprised... NEVER yeah ok... never minus twice now...

i LOVE my life...