so this is sitting...

in my chest... makin' my heart heavy and i need to put it somewhere so this is the place ~ and remember this one place is completely mine so if you have anything to say... you can just try and breath a bit and be kind before going off

so someone i know is going in to have gender realignment surgery today ~ she was born physically a man but believes that everything that truly matters is not... so this person has made the decision to make herself physically aligned with the rest of her

this is where most people ~ at least the ones around me that know her as well... are just horrified and make hurtful comments and judgements about her... and the terrible person that she is

well maybe i'm the one that is wrong but let's put all that is confusing about this situation aside... all of the things that those of us who are fortunate enough to feel comfortable in our own skin and with who we are... things we just can not possibly understand aside for a minute and think about this with a caring heart and compassion

what i don't understand is when people make comments about how could he/she do this to everyone around her... what a freak... blah... blah... blah... my goodness that is exactly the point isn't it ~ why would someone ~ anyone choose to be an outcast... a pariah... cut off from all of those that once called them friend/family/coworker... why would someone choose to lose everything of the life that they know

it would absolutely have to be that what they are gaining means more... and it's that thing i seek most too right... that inner PEACE... to some it's worth more than anything else because when its missing the ache is just about unbearable...

for the ones that make the comments stating that God doesn't make mistakes... really ~ well the way i see it... and follow this for a bit... so the apple was eaten in that Garden... and from that point on... all hell has broken loose if you think about it... well that was what that serpent wanted wasn't it... from that moment humans began giving God almost more than he can handle and i'm sure that he has gotten over the initial disappointment of being disobeyed... as parents that's what we do ~ but see if you can follow this for a minute ~ ever since that moment HIS job became more than he had initially bargained for... so is it completely unfathomable to believe that at the moment that he was supposed to be touching the womb of this woman and complete his blessing on her child... we as human's screwed something up somewhere SO big... say Korea for example 'cause the timing would be right... that he blinked and had a bit more on his plate at that moment... which is why this person wasn't made completely whole... so realizing that more than was truly manageable was going on in this human society as we have become more evolved or advanced than was ever truly intended... God himself decided to guide those with vision down the path that would allow for things he wasn't able to make truly correct the first time around to be made right... as parents isn't that what we do... guide our children... hope they don't make our mistakes... arm them with all we can so that their lives will be better than ours and sometimes even better than we could have hoped for ~ if we were truly created in God's image... doesn't all this make sense... it does to me anyway

so i will be praying to God that the surgeons have a steady hand and a light heart... that she wakes up feeling the least amount of physical pain and discomfort possible... and in all that she has lost... she finds her PEACE

so i consider myself spiritual...

not so much religious... i am Christian... i read the Bible and i believe that there is so much that one can gain to help them along their path from doing so... i don't so much find any of what i need from a building that has been built for people to come together once a week or a few times a year to feel better about themselves and their lives ~ if that statement offends you... you are NOT who i am referring to

i find what i need... when i walk in the woods and i see two wide eyed doe looking back at me trying to decide to run or just stand really still... when i'm driving along the road and come up over a knoll to see the new colors on the hillside that are just screaming to be noticed with their fiery reds and bright yellows... when i'm in a sea of happy people ~ singing along to some song that makes them feel for a few minutes like whatever may be going on in their life just truly doesn't matter... the gift to make a group of people feel like to me that is where God's Grace Shines...

i wear these rings around my neck... until about two months ago i had four... things that i feel are lacking in my life... that i seek all the time... that i strive for ~ i gave away my Grace to someone who needed it that day more than me... and in doing so... well i do feel it more now... i gave away my 'ounce of peace' to one who helps me find it everyday ~ in a way i have cheated on that... i wear a ring... like a string to not forget... around my finger 'cause i'm not any closer to feeling at peace on a consistent level... baby steps

so the other two... Courage... Harmony ~ still hang in their spot... helping me remember

well i had a customer notice them the other day and he asked me if i consider myself a Christian... and handed me a Bible and told me that what i seek can also be found there... yes i know... it's little... the Bible he gave me... and it has a cheat sheet in the front to help you in times of very specific needs... PEACE that's what i seek... so last night i looked it up at a time when i could have made a different choice that would have been bad... and this is what i found

'These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have Peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.' ~ John 16:33

yeah... ok... perfect

Pat on the Opry...

ok ~ i just can't help it... seeing them on that stage... i'm sure it's because i grew up in a family that's full of country music fans... i grew up hearing about how... 'oh so and so made it to the opry' so in my world it's proof to all those that have given me the 'eye roll' about pat over the years that ~ he's legit... he's the real deal... see even 'your' people think so... lol

Thursday...

Blue October... here in Hartford... i just can't even believe it... that makes me so happy... that's all

321...

that's how many calories you burn... on a treadmill... at an incline of 5.0... walking 3.5mph per minute ~ during an entire commercial free episode of Lost ~ just a little over 40 min...

you might wonder how exactly i know this... 'cause i'm freakin' HOOKED... seriously to the point that on this beautiful day... one of very few left where i could actually walk outside... get some sun and not freeze to death in the process ~ did i walk outside ~ nope... put Lost in downstairs and continued on this... hell... BENDER i'm on... BONUS... i left my room and my bed ~ to my credit i did my strength training last week 'cause i do that upstairs anyway... but had not done any real cardio 'cause i need to finish Season 1 and 2 before Season 3 premieres on 10/6...

but what you need to realize is... i fought this... for exactly this reason... this is how i get... all consumed... thank the good LORD this started after the kids went back to school... i can get my fix in while they are in school and not feel like a total degenerate...

here's my deal... i absolutely love Hurley... Sawyer (i know can't help it)... Charlie...

i absolutely can NOT stand... Locke (sp?)... Clair(not sure why ~ just something)

i'm not sure what i think about 'the tailers' yet ~ although was very happy that Rose got her husband back...

this is good tv... i gave up on tv... i gave up after too many different versions of the lawyer drama... the medical drama... the csi's... the law and orders (sorry jocelyn)... too many reality game show dramas... you get my point here i think... there was too much the same ~ no one was being creative... at least in my opinion anyway... was never much of a sitcom fan... well Arrested Development being the most recent exception but that's even been a fight to keep on the air... i like funky tv... always have... so this totally appeals to me and i'm not happy... i could be doing so many better things with my time than watching tv... although i guess once i'm caught up the time commitment will reduce so that is a good thing

so yes Gage i should have listened... yes you were right i love it...

God has truly blessed me...

with the most amazing group of friends... they vary in every possible way imaginable... some i've known forever... some not so long... but everyday i am reminded in more ways than i can count... that i am truly loved and appreciated for who i am... to be so loved is more than i could ever have hoped for and i'm writing this mostly because i want them all to know that i do in fact know how blessed i am... so just because i could never do enough to feel that i have truly expressed how i feel... i hope that just this ~ thank you ~ is enough and know that i will always try and do all i can forever to give back some of what is given to me each and everyday...

'just a broke troubadour...'

'with a bark for the under dog... so i walk on' ~ Why Me by The Lost Trailers

i'm really diggin' their latest album... that's all ~ rock on

my daily tarot card...

'cause i do in fact seek help from every possible avenue...

The Fool ~ 'may innocence find wisdom'

that my friends is PERFECT

i couldn't write about it yesterday...

'cause i keep waiting year after year for the pain to not be so great... it doesn't even really compute 'cause i wasn't there... i didn't know anyone... in the grand scheme of personal ~ it didn't touch my life at all like it did so many others... we all have our stories... i have two... one a friend who lived in a brownstone not far from 'zero' and they just got in their car and left... drove cross country 'cause all they really wanted was to be with their dad... the other a very dear friend who was fortunate enough to get up from his desk at the Pentagon and walk to the copy machine... seconds after walking away from his chair... it was gone as that was where the plane hit... he has two teenage children that need him a lot... we are blessed that God shed grace on him

on Sunday i saw the commercial… very simple… but extremely moving… ‘Where were you…’ and then it proceeded to show pictures of people… sitting at a table… pointing at a staircase… driving in a car… standing in their driveway… lying in bed… it’s funny how that question has evolved to something that you almost don’t have to finish… we talked about that as well as other firsts last night… the first time we heard or saw a plane in the air after that day… the first time we flew after that day… things that previously had been fairly matter of fact… what a different impact they made on your life after

i made the decision that day to change my life… granted i absolutely did not see it going in quite the direction that it did… i knew it was going to be difficult… i truly had no idea just what that meant at the time… but having said that… it was worth it as i truly took responsibility for my own happiness that day… i like to think that is a fitting tribute to all that was lost that day…

Favorite New Song...

Chasing Cars ~ Snow Patrol

we'll do it all... everything... on our own

we don't need... anything... or anyone

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world...

i don't quite know... how to say... how I feel

those three words... are said too much... they're not enough

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world

forget what we're told... before we get too old... show me a garden that's bursting into life

let's waste time
chasing cars
around our heads

i need your grace... to remind me... to find my own

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world...

forget what we're told... before we get too old... show me a garden that's bursting into life

all that i am... all that i ever was... is here in your perfect eyes... they're all i can see

i don't know where... confused about how as well... just know that these things will never change for us at all

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world...

i've been waiting almost 8 months...

and it's finally tomorrow... Manning v. Manning ~ i'm so excited i don't know if i'll even sleep... it's gonna be a fun evening in my house no question ~ got five bucks and lunch on the game... and i'll admit it... i'm a little worried ~ the Giants look really good this year and can i just say i would NOT want to be Mama Manning tomorrow

my driver made the Chase... and is in the lead by a slim five points... it was fun 'cause a bunch of my race fan friends came in to the bar tonight to watch the final race with me... as much as i want Matt to win the championship this year... there are four other drivers that i wouldn't be terribly disappointed if they win... so it's going to be an exciting 10 races to the championship and they are going back to Talledega in a month which makes me happy 'cause i just love that track

Pat and The Lost Trailers pretty much restored my sanity this week... the NYC show was one that i will never forget... the Northampton show was one i had been waiting for since i first heard Pat as i got to go with my dear friend that introduced me to Pat and she now understands... it's just one of those things... until you see it live truly you just don't get it... well she spent the last 36 hours trying to convince me to call off of work and got to Boston... so there you go... Pat covered 'Ring of Fire' ~ well for more reasons that i can explain... that's 'our' song and the look on her face when he started that priceless... if truth be told... the entire setlist was perfect

i absolutely love The Lost Trailers new album... my favorite song off of it today... Simple Life... 'it was a simple life... it was starlight nights... you held your family tight in an endless summer... and if you listen you could hear... the sound of white tail deer running through a cotton field under moonlight cover... they said things would change in time... but that never crossed my mind... 'cause i believe in a simple life... ' *SIGH*

it's time to start holding back...

probably way past time at this point but i truly believe that if i love you and if you need it and i have it to give... it's yours

i truly believe that if you are a good person and you do good things... they will in turn come back to you in the end...

i truly believe in the good in everyone ~ even in some that most don't see any good in ~ i'll find it and try to make that outshine whatever else so that others may see it as well to help people get a second chance or a new start...

i truly believe that we are all here to help and take care of each other... because if we don't this world is going to fall apart at a much more rapid pace than it already is...

i have never been one to hold back anything when it comes to giving to others ~ i hold back a lot on taking for myself or speaking for myself or standing up for myself... especially if any of those things are going to cause any kind of confrontational situation... it's just not something that i feel comfortable doing...

well lately all of these beliefs have been turned into ugly things... people have misread intentions... my integrity and my morality have been questioned... sometimes by other people and sometimes by the ones that i was trying to help... it's not been often in my life that i have felt taken advantage of ~ i have been to a degree that is completely unfathomable and i let it happen... i need to say that again.. I LET IT HAPPEN...

i've cried... i've lost sleep... i've not smiled... i've been angry... i've hid... i've apologized unnecessarily... i've lost my ground... i've been hurt... i've felt shame... i've hurt the one i love the most... I'M DONE

so i feel better ~ even though this has nothing to do with the ones who read this with any kind of regularity... you've all walked with me through this and so mostly i'm putting this here for you... so that you know... i do in fact KNOW and i love you for sticking with me through it... i know for some in particular watching it and experiencing it with me as been heart wrenching and horrifying... i will never be able to thank you or fix any damage that was done to you or to us because of it... but since it's what i do... i will never stop trying

the beautiful thing is that most of you that read this won't see a change because you all have proven that what i have to give... you deserve to receive... and in turn give me back just as much and some even more... i'm blessed in my life to have so much real true love... i've heard that a lot recently even... that if all i have from now until the end is what i have right now at this moment... it is in fact more than enough...

so Agassi made me cry...

and i'm not a huge tennis fan but someone had it on in my bar and his speech... umm yeah ~ and tears at work aren't good...

other than that what a freakin' day ~ i woke up in a great mood... had a good night... but some people are just not happy until they bring you down... well he did and i let him know it which for me is huge 'cause usually i keep that stuff to myself... but seriously i try really hard just to keep people smiling and i don't ask for anything from anyone and today this guy was bound and determined from the get go to get under my skin... well he was successful and i let him know it ~ then Larry came in and set him straight that's a good thing

and then my three favorite customers came in and all was ok again... but we were stupid busy all weekend... so now i'm tired... just finished my 9th shift in a row... two more to go and then my dear friends... i get Pat and i get Pat AND The Lost Trailers... not once but TWICE and in NYC... and here at home

THAT DOESN'T SUK at all... and after... all will again be right with the world... i'm certain of it

for those that think i'm cooler...

when talking about Blue October... this post isn't one you want to read i promise...

just went to make lunch and turned on the countdown... Pat's up to number 8 this week... that just happens to be my favorite... i have a thing for 8s... i know we all know... anyway that made me smile... the fact that i'll be seeing him twice this week... once in NYC and once with the one the brought me too him... well that's just perfect

i worked hard yesterday 14 hours... prepping and serving a rehearsal dinner ~ which made me realize a few things... my sweet Giselle said at one point in the evening...'Roberto how the hell do you do this everyday without Lori making sure you are on track...' ~ i'm not even kidding he has the worst ADD of anyone ever... but we do work really well together 'cause there are not egos involved we both just want the job to get done and get done well and it was... it was beautiful and perfect and they were all happy... i loved it ~ being part of that from start to finish... seeing that a whole pantry of grocery bags turns into platters... sauces... dishes... smells... smiles... i would have NEVER picked this for myself... it was a last minute i don't care i need to make some money this summer deal... i don't even like food... but i can say this and i'm not being boastful... i'm good at this... really good at it

i was told halfway through the morning... that i was in charge of music ~ duh right ~ but there wasn't anywhere to play any... so in my head all day... 'go find yourself somewhere else chasing dreams on the streets of LA... don't let this town tie you down when bigger life's calling your name... you'll find who you are if you follow your heart... go with it wherever it leads...' ~ i just love that ~ it's perfect in such a way for me that only Pat does... i hope in one of the two this week i get to hear that

'... i won't let you down i'll be here if it turns out that i'm what you need... you'll find who you are if you follow your heart... go with it wherever it leads ~ get on back fast if you find yourself missing me...'