seven more wake ups...

safe to say my stress level is off the charts... i adore you all... i will update you about mid-january when i land... kidding ~ ish ~ but i can't sit still right now ~ i'm not sure i was thinkin' clearly when i decided this might be a good idea... ok... much love.... Happy Holidays!

'... cause when you know who you want to spend the rest of your life with
you want to start... the rest of your life... as soon as you can' ~ Dierks Bentley

i'm guessin' not exactly why it was written... but it fits!

never gonna be mother of the year...

don't even want to be in the running... i just want them to be respectable... decent... loving... independent... thinking... caring... compassionate... honest... contributing members of this world... that's the goal

so i get a call today from jake's teacher... there was an incident a few days ago... i call the home number ~ which ok yeah it's a small town but still freaks me out... leave a message 'cause she's not home... pace the house for two hours... comment to my dad that 'She has to call back she's a mom she has to know what this is doing to me.'

the phone rings... the long and short of it... jake and another little boy cause a disruption... they are told they need to come up with an apology for the class... apparently my son was not happy with the other little boy involved in the situation because this is what he was overheard as saying... 'I really don't like you right now. I really want to hit you but that is not allowed.'

OK ~ i don't want a bully... i'm totally against violence... having said that... i like the fact that at six my son has the self control to not just act on his feelings of rage and anger... AND i like that he isn't shy to say what he feels... these are all going to be very valuable traits later in life... he needs to learn to steer clear of the people that provoke these kinds of feelings ~ so that's what we'll work on

'and i would have stayed up with you all night'

'... if i'd known how to save a life' ~ the fray

this is my new obsession... my new favorite website

www.howtosavealife.com

check THAT out

the rest...

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong,
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life ~ The Fray

there are some people...

that come into your life ever so briefly but leave a lasting impression... you hear that all the time and it's so true ~ the first time i was at my Sidecar Pub... this beautiful lady came up to me... 'hi i'm Jodie... i'm not on GW much but i know who you are and i wanted to introduce myself...' and the conversation continued from there... she has a spirit about her that just makes you smile... real and true from way inside... and she pointed her husband out to me... he was in the sound area... and you could just tell from watching him that he truly loves what i am most passionate about

i was only around them one other time and it was on of the top five nights of my life... one of those that i will never forget and truly believe that all the people that should be there... were... i got another hug... and we laughed and chatted... and listened to the one that we love most

through the years we keep in touch every few months... checking in making sure that we know we are thinking about each other... but life takes us on the paths it does and sometimes they don't cross as often as you might like them too

so that is why i sit here with a heavy heart... sending my love and prayers and strength to these two beautiful people... they need it tonight more than anyone and i would ask anyone that might come across this little rambling... to say a prayer for Jodie and Harry... thank you

because they heard a song...

that's it... that simple... they called me ~ 'cause they love me... that's how my day ended yesterday

this is how it started... i was here on the internet doing some necessary moving stuff... and logged off... went to the kitchen my house phone rang ~ a little background here in the woods we have no high speed internet... our dial up goes out through my parents phone line... so if people get a busy signal they automatically call on my line ~ ok so i answer my house line and it's my sister...

me ~ 'hi... mom's in the shower and i'm not sure where dad is...'

j ~ 'that's ok... are you working today?'

me ~ 'yeah but not until fourish... do you need me to watch KC?'

j ~ 'no i'm off today getting ready for the weekend'

me ~ 'oh do you need me to go to the bank for you'

j ~ 'no'

me ~ 'oh... ok then'

alright at this point in the conversation ~ i'm just baffled 'cause she never calls me just to chat with me... ever... we used to be close ~ well closer but i don't know apparently she doesn't get that i don't now... never have... will never... judge her for anything it's not my place ~ we had a pleasant conversation and while i'm glad for that i'm not sure if the point is that she has realized all the time she has missed being bitter with me about whatever it is ~ and hey i'm telling you people have met her ~ i'm not exagerrating i was completely ashamed of the way she treated... Brandon and Gage ~ heck i don't even think she took the time to come to the house when Jocelyn was here...

and the thing is because of the phone calls i got last evening... and the little emails i get... the text messages i get... the myspace comments i get... i don't even really think about it anymore ~ i'm blessed to be loved and the fact that blood is not the connection between all of us ~ well sometimes families are made not born

so to my sisters... thank you... for loving me...

two years ago today...

he was beautiful... inside and out... loving... caring... forgiving... genuine... eccentric...

he loved me as his own... and i loved him back so very much... i hope he is proud... i KNOW he is watching over me

random stuff...

so i had a moment when i wondered if i could actually do all this... and the one who tells me my truth told me that in everyway that matters i have done it a long time ago ~ and she's right... good thing i'll be able to be around her a lot more ~ so my son asked me to smell something for him last night... when i said no... he said please i'll take you to see the band if you do it... so he has his mama all figured out already!... i want a mirror that will allow me to put on my make up... do my hair... make sure my jeans are zipped my shirt is straight... BUT DOES NOT show my figure... i know i'm not fat... yet... i look in the mirror and UGH... i look huge... there needs to be a way to fix my head on that too... i hate that i get so damn intense over football ~ it's just a game life as we know it will not cease to exist... explain to me how i can watch a U2 concert... a Dave Matthews Concert... Lindsey Buckingham and Little Big Town on Crossroads... a James Taylor Tribute... not to mention listen to a few cd's yesterday ~ i know all the words to every song on these shows... some i've known for my whole life ~ yet i hear all the time how artists forget the words to songs even they wrote... baffles the mind ~ oh and could i take some of that memory and apply it to something that would be beneficial like remembering to grab my purse and my cell phone... keys or whatever as i'm leaving the house so i don't have to do the back in three times before actually leaving... it hit me last night ~ my dog is nine and a half... not sure how that happened but i don't like what that means... oh wait she's gonna live forever nevermind i forgot for a second... ok done now... thanks...

'well it's friday...'

'... and i got tore up' ~ and not in the way that those unfamiliar with the defintion of 'tore up' would think

i spent the day yesterday in NYC... that alone was just amazing ~ the tree in Rockefeller Center is all you would hope it to be and then some

but the high point of the day was getting to see The Bleu Edmondson Band in NEW YORK CITY! first of all... Bleu wrote my song ~ he may not know that he wrote it but he did as i have said here before the first time i ever heard

'and if you asked me I would smile
we could sit and talk awhile
but there's just too much to hide
and I got nothin' left inside
i'm just a little bit crazy... '

well like all the things that have been placed in my path in the last three and a half years just made me feel like even though up until that point i had not found my place in this world ~ there was still in fact hope... fast forward to today well yeah safe to say MORE THAN HOPE even...

so it was a small intimate venue... couches... ottomans... candles... unfortunately for this band that i just love the crowd seemed to leave after the second act... but they didn't seem to notice 'cause this band took the stage and OH MY HECK... well let's just say they rocked it HARD... some of the members have changed since i first saw them but i'm thinking these four guys have found a synchronicity that just works for them and i was literally the happiest girl in NYC last evening...

i talked with three of the four members and they were truly appreciative to have someone in the club that knew their music... and even understood where they come from and what they are about... i liked being that person for them last evening and since the plans are in motion to where i'll be seeing them more regularly on their home turf... i'm really glad to have had the opportunity to be able see them bringing what we love to the world and hoping to draw more like me in

the shock has worn off...

and now i'm just STUPID happy... and if i think about it too much i won't get anything done ~ and i have a few things to do... and i'm just warning everyone right now ~ you'll get sick of me quickly... jocelyn says it'll be ok and she's pretty much always right so i'm not going to worry but everyday there is a new 'oh yeah' moment that just makes me smile ~ A REAL ONE

someone asked me if i was sure last night ~ in my whole life never been more sure of anything ~ since it all got turned inside out and upside down ~ the only consistent thing has been THIS... so am i sure? ~ yeah of nothing else maybe ever as much as this

thank the LORD we have a good Gym..

at my apartment complex... between... Fuddrucker's... Kolaches... good Mexican food again... and the promise of S'mores... i'm gonna need it...

only in my world...

do you celebrate Thanksgiving ~ my favorite holiday... with your ex husband's parents... and your ex boyfriend's parents... and have just THE best day... we seem like a regular family... well wait there was no arguing ~ no drama ~ lots of laughs... too much food and now i'm ready for bed too early probably but gonna put my pj's on and put in The Christmas Story and giggle myself to sleep

i hope all your turkey's were juicy... your stuffing just the way you like it... and your blessings many

Happy Thanksgiving!

did you see/hear...

Jamie Foxx last night... oh my LORD... i just absolutely fall head over heels for him over and over and over again... that was so beautiful and i just LOVED it...

'and when I get to heaven
first thing they'll say to me
tell me have you seen Estelle Marie Talley
find out where you are
run into your arms
wrap your wings around me
and whisper in my ear... well done...' ~ that's the part right there my friends!

the last time i packed...

for a Texas trip i decided no band shirts... and i even fudged that a bit as my favorite boy beater is my Blue October one that i got this summer... but still i had decided Texans get it... they don't need me to wear them there... so that made packing a whole lot easier 'cause well MORE than half of my favorite shirts/sweatshirts etc are band shirts... SO now what ~ well i can't afford a whole new wardrobe so i guess i'll have to break that rule...

these new things i'm 'tripping' over... the falls are a whole lot easier to take!

yeah i know... i'm a dork

found my neverland...

moving in 12/28... and according to my baby boy ~ 'it has the biggest pool ever'

this is exactly how i feel...

'I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another in a lovely constellation, where we will sparkle in the heavens forever.' ~ Amy Tan

on my good days ~ which is why my bad days can be so bad... so to all the stars in my constellation that shined so brightly to help me find my way home... thank you

so it started with Pat...

as i've covered here before on more than one occasion ~ actually that isn't even completely true i was a music lover before Pat... but Pat opened my world to a whole new listening experience ~ i've always been a fan of singer/songwriters... Harry Chapin... James Taylor... Bruce Springsteen... the Eagles... Creedence... Jim Croce... Paul Simon... Bob Dylan ~ they all laid my foundation and when that's where you start well in my opinion you are solid

from Pat i was inundated with oh you have to hear 'so and so' ~ Randy Rogers... Bleu Edmondson... Jason Boland... Blue October... Cross Canadian Ragweed... STONEY... WALT... etc and from time to time someone would say that and my response would be quite negative sounding or i'd seem to be blowing them off but in the last three years there truly have been times when i'm just musically saturated and still feeling so much love for what is still so new to me that i just couldn't truly hear anyone new ~ OH and that list of newbies for Lori is SHORT believe me i could keep going... anyway the point i'm trying to make here because i overthink and explain everything... my new LOVE... that i've just in the last three days have truly heard is going to surprise many because they are not at all new... in fact probably considered pioneers in what has affectionately been termed OKOM ~ THE GREAT DIVIDE ~ some of my favorites...

'i got a trustin heart
i wear out on my sleeve
it’s gotta a knack of trusting lies
and wanting to believe
it’s got me in so much trouble
so many times before
i put it next to my diamond ring
that i keep in my dresser drawer...' ~ Diamond Ring

'i'm a bundle of fear
i'm a pile of doubts
but i hope through the fear
and i pray it all works out
cause it always does
when it rains sometimes it floods...' ~ Floods


'i have known people
they've had it all
they live their lives behind their walls
but mansions and prisons they walk a fine line
some sold their souls out
but i've still got mine

and i'm standin here in the afterglow
my head is spinnin around
i dont ever wanna hear i told you so
cause i aint about to lie down
no my wheels are still spinnin around... ' ~ Afterglow

oh there is SO much more but these are my new three FAVORITES...

my life is backwards...

i told a friend that the other day... i'm not living my life with or around the people that i should be... in a place that i love... with opportunities for growth for all of us... i'm living it in a place that well let's face it i've NEVER wanted to be here... around people that are either not at all good for us or just don't get us... there is a small handful but comparatively speaking ~ it's all just wrong and it's what brings about days like yesterday... oh and the people who got me through yesterday... big surprise are not here ~ i'm gonna fix all this!

it's the worst one in awhile...

the air is heavy... i have to take really small breaths just to get them in... my skin is making me claustrophobic... the lump is so big i can't swallow... i wish it was raining cause i can hide a lot easier when it rains... i go in circles trying to get away from the one thing i can't get away from... i turn on the radio... but every song brings the tears... and each tear is for a different reason... but the quiet... leaves me to my thoughts... and they are the worst... being stuck in my head on days like today is a frightening place to be... i'm overwhelmed... i feel trapped... my skin is on fire... yet i'm freezing...

today is not a good day to be me

i just love movies...

i can find something in just about every genre that i just adore... from Arsenic and Old Lace... to Clueless... to The Matrix Trilogy... to Friday Night Lights... to On Golden Pond... to The Way of The Gun... to The Color Purple... Almost Famous... The Seven Year Itch... LOTR... SPANGLISH

ok... you get my point... i just finished watching the Da Vinci Code... and ever since it came out the hype was just unbearable and the point of this post is just that... i have a rule ~ i must see a movie i REALLY want to see the day it comes out... and i don't listen to reviews or read them... i want to sit and watch and judge for me as to whether or not the story maintained true to the original book ~ well in this case... if Tom Hanks was up to the task... just everything ~ i don't need someone to decide for me and who exactly are these critics anyway... Gene Shalot doesn't know me... we've never spoken even for a minute so how on earth would he know how i am going to be moved by what i see on film... Roger Ebert... never met him either so why should i value so much what he has to say about what i want to watch... i LIKE judging for myself... and i'm pretty good at sharing with people my opinion... lol ~ k that might be a bit of an understatement but my point... i know what my friends like... because well DUH we're friends ~ i would much rather take the recommendation of Gage... Jocelyn... Meg... any one of the people in my life because they know what i'll enjoy

so in my opinion ~ if you haven't seen it and are on the fence... i'll warn you if you read the book... there are some discrepancies ~ nothing GAPING but noticeable still ~ however i truly enjoyed i thought the casting was perfect... although i hope that dude that plays Silas got paid a lot... he'll never be able to do anything else and not be thought of as him ~ unless that was some STELLAR work in the cosmetic department in which case... i'm thinkin' OSCAR for that...

so i never 'got'...

the 'little white tank top' song and i actually wrote him off because of it... probably a bit harsh but just not at all a direction i go in when chosing what i want to listen too... and i don't know... i'm a music 'nazi' ~ that's what bwj has called me ~ and it's probably pretty accurate

well I WAS WRONG.. oh my lord ~ i am SO in love with this new cd ~ Long Trip Alone... here is just a sample of why ~ but yeah... Dierks Bentley... he is more real than i originally gave him credit for...

'...so maybe you could walk with me a while
and maybe i could rest beneath your smile
everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold
‘cause it’s a long trip alone...' ~ Long Trip Alone

'...and the only thing i know
we all get the chance to go
saints and soldiers...
beggars... kings and renegades
any soul that ever found amazing grace
ain’t no tellin’ who on earth
He might include
in the heaven i’m headed to...' ~ Heaven I'm Headed To

'i came up through the trenches
where we only played for tips and alcohol
you find out what you’re made of
when there ain’t no gold or platinum on the wall...' ~ Band of Brothers.... i've HEARD of A LOT of those guys!

it sounds so cliche...

the whole 'they grow up so fast' ~ but good lord something happens when you go from being a child/adult to being a parent... time goes into fast forward instantly... i remember sitting in Advanced Math when i was a senior in high school and an 80 minute class seemed to take days... now hell six years just went by in a blink

and this year i have been highly sensitive to the fact that my baby boy is growing up ~ well the parallel to the year of his birth was pointed out to me today ~ it was a Wednesday that year also after a BIG election Tuesday... it was when George W. was elected the first time

i was scheduled to be induced on the 8th at 8am ~ yes the number thing... but look it up 88 ~ love in Morse Code... so anyway i got up early so i could eat a little something before the 'cut off' time and sat in terror watching the returns... the results would define the kind of world i was bringing this child into... as i was getting in the shower my son's father asked if i was ok... and i replied i'm terrified ~ he was shocked at that because i was two weeks overdue... i was READY... and i replied ~ 'We don't have an official result in the election yet. i just want to know so i can relax about all that.' ~ well yeah maybe only i would worry about such a thing ~ my guess is no... other mother's would have a similar fear

we we go to the hospital ~ Jordan was sure she would stay for the birth... my sister... their dad ~ i was being attached to the iv when i asked my sister if she noticed if Travis and Christie's car was in the lot as she was as overdue as i was... another nurse comes in at that moment to confirm that Christie was in fact in the next room about to deliver ~ that was pretty perfect as Christie was and has continued to be one of my dearest friends

so yeah... time passes... Jordan is bored ~ my grandparents show up... they all decide that the baby is taking too long... they will come back after his arrival is confirmed... my sister sat with me... never left my side... held my hand... changed the tv channel... fixed my blankets... she was there for me

the moment came when it was time to push and i tell her... that her hand isn't strong enough... i'll break it if i squeeze like i need to... please find his dad... she does... and he almost missed it... once... twice... three pushes and my boy is born

the rest is a blur ~ what memory i have is strictly because of what others have told me... he was blue... collapsed lung... weak pulse... no you can't hold him... we have to take him... oh wait... she's losing blood too ~ it was a mess ~ time stood still then... waiting to hear ~ how bad is he... what's wrong... what can we do... my pregnancy was perfect what do you mean he has a hole in his heart ~ are you sure he'll grow out of it

ugh ~ i kept saying i should be ok i've done this before ~ well no two are alike ~ in ANY WAY let me tell you

so here we are six years later ~ he is beautiful ~ he is strong ~ he is healthy ~ somedays he's my pride... others my joy ~ always half of my heart... am i too easy on him... sometimes... do i panic when he is running around with his little friends playing whatever the game of the day is ~ ABSOLUTELY ~ but only on the inside... i just don't want to be that mom that watches in horror as her son collapses because of a heart condition ~ we have all heard that story and i live in fear of it everyday

he has the most perfect smile and his eyes could light an entire country they are so bright... his laugh is perfect and infectious... his wit is matched only by his sister's ~ everyone tells me i should take notes because they both come up with some truly original ideas sometimes

so the tears came today... when i was reading birthday cards trying to pick the right one ~ a lot of love mixed with a little sadness that there is just not enough time... the cupcakes for snack at school tomorrow are in the oven... we will celebrate tomorrow evening with his birthday pal and my dear friends... there will probably be more tears 'cause Christie and i well we laugh AND cry together and that's ok

i'm blessed to have this amazing son... Happy 6th Birthday to my Jake...

'forget regret or life is yours to miss'

yup... that's how i live my life ~ except for this ONE thing... and it's big ~ i know it's big... i want to believe that in spite of it all things will be okay and of course they will whatever okay means... i hope that there comes a day soon when i truly feel like i have conveyed the sincere guilt that i feel and know that in spite of it... all is good, true and solid... for right now i have a pit in my stomach... a lump in my throat... and that scar on my heart aches

i guess i'm writing this now today because i feel in a bit of a slump... i'm tired... EXHAUSTED emotionally from ups and downs... i believe in my heart ~ IN MY SOUL ~ that i only have to hold on a little longer and it will all be better... but when you are surrounded by negativity and by those who choose mediocrity instead of making changes to thrive... well they do all they can to beat you up to keep you down with them ~ i know my strengths and i know that what i strive for is true and real ~ i know i will make it past this and on to a better life but sometimes that feeling of being alone in this fight almost takes over...

almost ~ but i won't let it!

'fates got a plan for us
even when our lives get rough
you make up... break up... you fall... you get back up
can’t you see
that’s the way it’s gotta be...' ~ Eli Young Band

so there you have it!

listened to it a million times...

truly heard it for the first last night...

'i’m glad to say that we met
but i’m sad to say that the circumstances weren’t on our side
so go on... go on be your own
go on be your own star...you're a superstar in my eyes...' ~ Blue October

i just have to get this out...

i know i have said that a lot in the last couple of days... but a lot is going on... and i'm not good at putting my stuff on others... so here is where it goes...

'i know this is going to be hard to hear but i wouldn't be a friend if i didn't say it ~ you really need to stop thinking about yourself so much'

OK... i've had that running around in my head for oh almost 48 hours now... first of all... in the list of who i think about and do all i can to make sure they are good... i'm almost last on that list... second of all... if i don't think about me ~ who is going to ~ no offense to anyone that truly loves me and reads this but i know even you know what i mean... finally if you know that what you are about to say is the worst thing you could say to someone ~ what kind of a person does it make you if you choose to say it

everytime i think i've built up the confidence that was tore down for so long... every time i feel safe... every time i feel strong... secure... everytime i think that i am making good choices... that i am going down the path that is best for me... everytime i start to trust and believe... well it's like the freakin' rug is pulled right out from underneath me... i'm getting better at the landing these days... and more sure footed so that i mostly tumble off and not a full flat on my ass knock the wind out of me kind of thing ~ but i guess my frustration lies in the why of it all... i'm not looking for anything that is all that selfish really... just a life that i can call my own

today's favorite....

will you miss me in Carolina
well i miss you in Tennessee
do you wish that i was there beside you
well i wish that you were here with me

i know it's not the ideal situation
you know my heart's become a part of the band
it's a hazard in this occupation
you know i love you just as much as i can

so i'll dream until i hear that you love me
and i'll hope until i see you smile
wish i could hold you forever
and somehow erase all the miles...

well tomorrow is Pennsylvania
then it's on to the City of Sin
i'll hold to your love and your memory
until i can see you again

so i'll dream until i hear that you love me
and i'll hope until i see you smile
wish i could hold you forever
and somehow erase all the miles...

k... i seriously only need a boy and a guitar... the boy of choice is Stoney

i heard this while on the phone with jocelyn and the tears... i had forgotten about it... and how much i was moved the first time... thank the LORD she loves the dork that i am

i don't remember my dreams...

however on a very rare occasion one sneaks through... so apparently i'm so frustrated with current situations... that Survivor America ~ The Farm Edition... is preferable... there were two teams four contestants... meg and i were in charge of the shelter... the women on the other team ~ joc and renee... we sheared sheep for our bedding.... i woke up impressed ~ however we hadn't seen what they had done... joc probably figured out a way for running water and electricity 'cause that's how she is...

i'm still gigglin' about it all

pot stirring vs. drama creating

i have no problem with people who like to 'stir the pot' ~ you know they get you thinking about life and asking questions... important ones about well it can be just about anything... the people who put all of everything out there to be as real and true to themselves as they can be without being concerned with judgements ~ i admire those people a lot

HOWEVER... i have absolutely no patience for people who talk smack just to create drama... so just don't ~ life is hard enough... we all trip occasionally and if we are really lucky ~ as i have been ~ we have an amazing support system around us to soften the fall and lend a hand back up...

i have a huge problem with people who can't move forward and don't believe that others can... no matter how bad a situation is or how harsh our reaction to it... there is always a time when you move forward and leave it behind in our quest to better ourselves and be the best person we possibly can be ~ so just drop it and if you can't see things for how they are today well at the very least admit that you really shouldn't have an opinion because the reality is you just do NOT know

so there is my little 'wrist slap' so it speak.. the next time i won't be so kind

i did try to make it work...

here ~ life that is... tried to push away all that i felt to be real and true... make 'lemonade'... the whole deal... it turned out badly... horrible accusations... impossible situations... and when i looked around i realized that what i was doing that was the worst of it all was betraying myself ~ trying to accept anything less than the best life i can have ~ and for what exactly?

so i'm done with that because at the end of it all when my story is read... i want it to be long... full... true... happy...

i was asked tonight if i would consider a compromise ~ well i've been living a compromise for the better part of my life... following someone else to help make what they thought was their dream come true... believing that at some point it would be my turn ~ sadly realizing no in that situation i wouldn't get a turn... taking that step that i did NOT want to believe in and taking it not so that i could do some great thing for me... taking it just so that i could start to put the pieces of me back together and find who i am again

well here i am... feeling the most whole i have felt in a really REALLY long time... and because i am just me... feeling the guilt that comes along with wanting anything for myself but you know what... i'm not going to let that consume me this time because it will pass and with time the ones that truly care and truly matter... they will be proud

and at the real end of it all... the ones that will fill that final room where they pay tribute to your life... they won't be sad... they won't be crying... they will be laughing and if i get a vote singing... there will be fairy tales... and they will all ring true

'i want you to hear this...'

my dear Christy said to me... we were just hanging out in her apartment when i first got to Austin last Wednesday... i was THRILLED because as i told her i've heard it a million times... love it and had no idea the title... the artist anything... anyway ~ it fits right now...

where do you go with your broken heart in tow
what do you do with the left over you
and how do you know... when to let go
where does the good go
where does the good go

look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
look me in the heart and un break broken, it won't happen

it's love that leaves that breaks the seal
of always thinking you would be
real... happy and healthy
strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go

where do you go when you're in love and the world knows
how do you live so happily while i am sad and broken down
what do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down
where does the good go
where does the good go...

Tegan and Sara ~ Where Does the Good Go... check THEM out!

PTD...

that's Post Texas Depression... and for me it always sets in on Wednesday... i HATE Wednesday and i don't use that word... hate that is...

anyway... i'll be ok

'...thank you for the coffee
a simple conversation
thank you for the light shining in your eyes...' ~ The Coffee Song by Adam Hood

thank you ALL for just more than loving me but TRULY liking me...

Mr. Adam Hood sang a song...

about black sheep last night and while he was singing i got to thinking... i wonder if anyone else feels like that is what this room just might be full of ~ i know i am the black sheep in my family... the eccentric one who follows this stuff she calls 'Texas Music' with friends that she met *gasp* on the internet... i have my own 'beat that i drum to' and i don't hide it... i embrace it... and if you are gonna know anything about me at all... well you get all that right after you find out that my pride and joy are my jordan and jake... it's just that much a part of what makes me me ~ i know i've had similar conversations with my friends so yeah... that song worked for me a lot

OK ~ if i were to read what i'm about to write ~ i would not believe it for a second... i would be certain there was some elements of truth with a whole bunch of embelishment... well i have a room full of witnesses and brandon got some on tape

first of all... wednesday, thursday, friday and saturday ~ all were shiny happy days... the Heiths' are amazing and i'm so blessed to be loved by them... my Gage ~ not even enough or the right words right now... i got to go to Gruene finally... how gorgeous that is... i got kolaches for breakfast... i mended the fence that keeps me sane and feeling whole and loved and safe... i went to Gordo's which is special in a million different ways ~ i heard a 'new to me' band that i now absolutely LOVE ~ Eli Young Band... check THEM out seriously not only great music... but truly a great bunch of people in the band and associated with the band ~ i can never truly extend the gratitude i feel towards them... there was an 80's cover band that made me laugh OUT LOUD... there was not enough time for all that i wanted to see and there never is... i'm working on that... soon all we will have is time ~ there was Wade... there was Stoney the Rockstar... there was Danny... Jesse... Christy... June... AMY!!!... Heather... Renee... Meg... to my surprise Tank... all my old friends that share this love with me... there are new friends... Kathy... Alison... Tater... Erica... because music does what it does to me i feel that there is just never enough time to catch up and get better acquainted with ones you have known of... or been assocated with because of... so i apologize but there are more good times to come ~ I KNOW IT

but Sunday evening... Stoney and Adam Hood... LORD have mercy on me... for me the Sidecar Pub has a magic all its own... it was there two years ago and it was there last night ~ it makes me sad that it is going away ~ but thanks to my pink lady... i will have a piece of it forever ~ the song swap itself was fabulous and i did not move from my spot... well took a tiny potty break... but seriously... those two guys... well Stoney said it best and i'm extending it a bit they both '...act naturally' ~ but my first and forever... dammit love is not the right word... it's Stoney and last night was perfect in a way that only he can provide and here is where my story begins

he stands up... moves his barstool back ~ Tank says to me 'oh it's about to get good... he's drunk now and he just doesn't care' and it starts... 'if i were alone in the desert without a drink of water around...' ~ you could have knocked me over with a feather...

the day that i heard the news that Mr. Keith Whitley died... i was leaving my SATs on my way to a softball playoff game my senior year of high school... for me it's one of those moments... he is one of the all time greats in my opinion and to have Stoney continue and sing...

'tell Lorrie i love her
tell Lorrie i need her
tell Lorrie that everything would be okay
if i could just see her...'

there are truly NO words for that moment of time in my life... i can't begin to describe the feelings standing there listening to him sing that song... redemption comes to mind... he did that last time for me too... made another song one i can listen to again ~ there at that Sidecar Pub

so fast forward to the end of the show... i go back to sit at a table alone and collect myself ~ brandon understood... he commented on the fact that he got that i needed that time... slowly the other seats started to fill... kathy stood next to me ~ still very much in that place that he puts you... her only comment to me 'ok yeah i get it now' ~ yeah told you of course you do... your one of us so you would... sorry 'cause it can be as much of a curse as a blessing sometimes

so out of the corner of my eye... here he comes... and he sits down... at the stool across the table from me... literally the FIRST thing he says... 'i like your necklace... that guitar pick...' ~ 'really cause you gave it to me' ~ the look on his face... i can't truly remember the entire dialog ~ may have something to do with lack of oxygen breathing became impossible... there was definetly a comment about him singing Tell Lorrie I Love Her and he asked or said... are you Lori... yeah... his face had a peace... a look of contentment... i don't know... it was perfect... then he asked me for a cigarette ~ OH I WILL NOW NEVER QUIT SMOKING 'cause yeah... i could give him one... brandon walked by whispered in my ear... don't forget to breath... which was perfect... 'cause it was all stuck and not going in or out at that moment... so i was grateful ~ then as only Stoney can... he started reciting Japanese Hiaku (sp) that he had been working on with Roger Ray's brother... seriously i swear... brandon has this all on film...

If I were alone in the desert
Without a drink of water around
With my knees and hands in that white scorching sand
With the hot Sahara, sun beating down
If I could be granted my wishes
Anything I want would come true
I know that it might sound funny
But here’s what I want you to do

Tell Lorrie I love her
Tell Lorrie I need her
Tell her everything would be ok if
I could just see her
Tell Lorie I love her
Tell Lorie I need her
And If I leave this old world
Tell her she’s the only girl for me

If I were a drift on the ocean
A vessel with no sails or steam
Floating aimlessly on the endless sea
Hopelessly lost it would seem
If all of the fish in the water
Could echo my last dying plea
I know you might not understand it
But here's what I want it to be

Tell Lorrie I love her
Tell Lorrie I need her
Tell her everything would be ok if
I could just see her
Tell Lorrie I love her
Tell Lorrie I need her
And if I leave this old world tell her she’s the only girl for me
And if I leave this old world tell her she’s the only girl for me

thank you Mr. Keith Whitley... and thank you Stoney Larue

i'm safely back...

notice what word i DID NOT use there... k ~ there is so much too say... but i need to organize... however...

it was so good to be loved by all you... i had missed you too much ~ we are going to change that... ok... that's all for now...

delayed due to mechanical failure...

by like two hours... put me in a grumpy mood and i was tired anyway 'cause i had to get up ~ well in the middle of the night really

so i walk off the jetway into the terminal... and Charlie Robison is being played in the terminal... i literally felt the weight of all of everything from the last six months... gone ~ my smile... the real one came back immediately ~ and yeah i'm alright now... PERFECT in fact

i need to live in this place because i have tried others... and i truly DO NOT feel like this anywhere else... i'm my best self HERE

'So who exactly...'

'... is your favorite?'

says my friend to me the other night after i was telling her about Blue October in November... in Montreal on the 10th... in Boston on the 12th... and in Albany on the 16th...

ummm ~ don't make me pick... EVER please 'cause i couldn't ~ it would change constantly depending on my mood... the day of the week... who i just saw live last... who just released a new album i love... there is no ONE... but there are many that suit me perfectly and i'm SO very glad to have found them

for all the naysayers...

Friday the 13th is real... TRUST ME... yesterday was quite possibly the craziest day ~ in a comedy of errors ~ kind of way that i have experienced... well ever

an unscheduled double... a power outage at 6:30 that resulted in the busiest Saturday night that we have had since Christmas week... which lead to a dining room full of hungry... unhappy people when our power went out at 9:30... it was a mess... people where out of control... i am exhausted...

Random...

a customer paid with a BLACK amex tonight... thank you to my obsession with 'The Real Wives of Orange County' prior to that the significance would have been completely lost on me... and yes ~ i'm a loser and googled him

i've been back here over 15 months ~ my ears still 'pop' ~ it might just make me crazy... i'm thinkin' i need to have this checked out

i may have created a bigger Blue October monster than me... 'Lori... they are playing in Montreal that Friday... Boston that Sunday then in Albany on Thursday... we could go to all three shows. You want to do that?' ~ she asks me... do i want to ~ DUH

i watched Coach Carter, Rudy and Friday Night Lights on Thursday last week... Friday Night Lights ~ TWICE even ~ i love the movie channels this time of year... oh and Memoirs of a Geisha was just added to the Starz line up ~ see THIS is in fact what i'm doing when i'm not at work ~ LET THE RECORD SHOW

i don't typically like 'chick' flicks... however ~ and i have said this before The Notebook IS the exception to that rule... my favorite parts 'cause one is us...

Noah to Allie ~ 'Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.

...it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. '

all i have to say is 'Steven Tyler PJ's... Steven Tyler PJ's'

and the other is all i have ever hoped for...

'The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds...'

and this song... just 'sigh' totally get it... somehow the horrid news of late has found it's way into my 'no news' bubble... and it's just weighing heavily on me so ~ yeah for everyone everywhere... my prayer in song for all


Better Days ~ Goo Goo Dolls

and you ask me what i want this year
and i try to make this kind and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'cause i don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and desire and love and empty things
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

so take these words
and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

and it's someplace simple where we could live
and something only you can give
and that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive
and the one poor child that saved this world
and there's ten million more who probably could
if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them
so take these words
and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

i wish everyone was loved tonight
and somehow stop this fight
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

so take these words
and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again...

9 weeks ~ possibly 12...

it doesn't seem like a long time ~ however in two and a half years... i haven't gone much more than a week let alone two to three months without talking to him... in a crowd we probably aren't two you would put together as being close friends... yet just over two years ago a mutual acquaintance sent me a message and that said 'this guy is trying to get his music career going and i think you would like his sound' well that put him and i in touch with each other

since that day it's been quite the friendship no question... one i've come to depend on a lot... he called me one afternoon and said 'i just threw my stuff in the back of my truck ~ i need you to get me from houston to your house' ~ i was living north of Los Angeles at the time... well he came and stayed with my kids and i for a bit... he and my daughter bonded hard ~ he sat with her and tried to teach her some chords on the guitar... he played them bedtime songs before they went to sleep...

when things were at their worst... there were all night phone calls... all day phone calls... sometimes just knowing someone is there... that someone will listen no matter what you have to say is comforting... there was the time when used cars seemed like a good idea... then back to music... we've had power conversations covering everything from why he is convinced i'm a republican (i am NOT) to why you would choose to live with horrific side affects in order to get rid of yellow toe nails (we decided to wear socks)...

he paid me one of the highest compliments i've ever had

'... i wasn't ok where i was ~ i knew i could come here and be okay'

that's all i ever truly want for those i care about is to know... that i'll always do whatever i can to help them be at the very least ok...

so now the decision has been made... the Navy... so boot camp then training and that means... no real contact with civilians for 9-12 weeks... there will be letters delivered via 'snail mail' because it's necessary... but it won't be the same and after our phone conversation today ~ the beginning of 'the wrap' up... it hit me HARD... just what this change means for him... for me... 'cause i can be selfish like that occasionally

mostly... i just hope that through all we have been through... together ~ for each other... that he knows just exactly how PROUD i am of him, where he is going and the choices he has made

i'm just me...

that's it ~ i don't hide much about my character 'cause i don't know how... when i try... i fail miserably anyway... i make mistakes ~ BIG ONES even... i'm human... that's what we do... i take responsiblity for my actions ~ which to some that i have come to know is a lesson still unlearned... i truly TRULY want nothing more than to make those around me happy... to bring smiles and joy to the ones around me ~ if i can help i will... if i love you and you need something if i have it to give its yours... i'm not fake... i hurt... i care... i get tired... i feel alone sometimes... and others i feel so embraced my heart could burst ~ i have not a bit of judgement in my heart ~ even for those who harshly judge me... i'm forgiving... i'm understanding... i'm insecure... i'm a dork... i'm a football fan... i don't like baseball... AT ALL... i find joy in little things... i more than need music... it important to me to LIVE life ~ '... you've reminded me how to live and i've had more fun since we have become friends than i have in years. thank you for your friendship.' ~ a voice mail i got tonight from my dear friend

'I am not perfect... nor do I strive to be...' ~ Justin Furstenfeld

i don't need to be perfect... in the way most view it anyway... i'm appreciated... loved... LIKED... i'm truly ok... just being me

that's it... just needed to put that somewhere

Gisele was whistling 18th Floor Balcony today... THAT is a beautiful thing right there... so i'm just gonna keep on being me

so this is sitting...

in my chest... makin' my heart heavy and i need to put it somewhere so this is the place ~ and remember this one place is completely mine so if you have anything to say... you can just try and breath a bit and be kind before going off

so someone i know is going in to have gender realignment surgery today ~ she was born physically a man but believes that everything that truly matters is not... so this person has made the decision to make herself physically aligned with the rest of her

this is where most people ~ at least the ones around me that know her as well... are just horrified and make hurtful comments and judgements about her... and the terrible person that she is

well maybe i'm the one that is wrong but let's put all that is confusing about this situation aside... all of the things that those of us who are fortunate enough to feel comfortable in our own skin and with who we are... things we just can not possibly understand aside for a minute and think about this with a caring heart and compassion

what i don't understand is when people make comments about how could he/she do this to everyone around her... what a freak... blah... blah... blah... my goodness that is exactly the point isn't it ~ why would someone ~ anyone choose to be an outcast... a pariah... cut off from all of those that once called them friend/family/coworker... why would someone choose to lose everything of the life that they know

it would absolutely have to be that what they are gaining means more... and it's that thing i seek most too right... that inner PEACE... to some it's worth more than anything else because when its missing the ache is just about unbearable...

for the ones that make the comments stating that God doesn't make mistakes... really ~ well the way i see it... and follow this for a bit... so the apple was eaten in that Garden... and from that point on... all hell has broken loose if you think about it... well that was what that serpent wanted wasn't it... from that moment humans began giving God almost more than he can handle and i'm sure that he has gotten over the initial disappointment of being disobeyed... as parents that's what we do ~ but see if you can follow this for a minute ~ ever since that moment HIS job became more than he had initially bargained for... so is it completely unfathomable to believe that at the moment that he was supposed to be touching the womb of this woman and complete his blessing on her child... we as human's screwed something up somewhere SO big... say Korea for example 'cause the timing would be right... that he blinked and had a bit more on his plate at that moment... which is why this person wasn't made completely whole... so realizing that more than was truly manageable was going on in this human society as we have become more evolved or advanced than was ever truly intended... God himself decided to guide those with vision down the path that would allow for things he wasn't able to make truly correct the first time around to be made right... as parents isn't that what we do... guide our children... hope they don't make our mistakes... arm them with all we can so that their lives will be better than ours and sometimes even better than we could have hoped for ~ if we were truly created in God's image... doesn't all this make sense... it does to me anyway

so i will be praying to God that the surgeons have a steady hand and a light heart... that she wakes up feeling the least amount of physical pain and discomfort possible... and in all that she has lost... she finds her PEACE

so i consider myself spiritual...

not so much religious... i am Christian... i read the Bible and i believe that there is so much that one can gain to help them along their path from doing so... i don't so much find any of what i need from a building that has been built for people to come together once a week or a few times a year to feel better about themselves and their lives ~ if that statement offends you... you are NOT who i am referring to

i find what i need... when i walk in the woods and i see two wide eyed doe looking back at me trying to decide to run or just stand really still... when i'm driving along the road and come up over a knoll to see the new colors on the hillside that are just screaming to be noticed with their fiery reds and bright yellows... when i'm in a sea of happy people ~ singing along to some song that makes them feel for a few minutes like whatever may be going on in their life just truly doesn't matter... the gift to make a group of people feel like to me that is where God's Grace Shines...

i wear these rings around my neck... until about two months ago i had four... things that i feel are lacking in my life... that i seek all the time... that i strive for ~ i gave away my Grace to someone who needed it that day more than me... and in doing so... well i do feel it more now... i gave away my 'ounce of peace' to one who helps me find it everyday ~ in a way i have cheated on that... i wear a ring... like a string to not forget... around my finger 'cause i'm not any closer to feeling at peace on a consistent level... baby steps

so the other two... Courage... Harmony ~ still hang in their spot... helping me remember

well i had a customer notice them the other day and he asked me if i consider myself a Christian... and handed me a Bible and told me that what i seek can also be found there... yes i know... it's little... the Bible he gave me... and it has a cheat sheet in the front to help you in times of very specific needs... PEACE that's what i seek... so last night i looked it up at a time when i could have made a different choice that would have been bad... and this is what i found

'These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have Peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.' ~ John 16:33

yeah... ok... perfect

Pat on the Opry...

ok ~ i just can't help it... seeing them on that stage... i'm sure it's because i grew up in a family that's full of country music fans... i grew up hearing about how... 'oh so and so made it to the opry' so in my world it's proof to all those that have given me the 'eye roll' about pat over the years that ~ he's legit... he's the real deal... see even 'your' people think so... lol

Thursday...

Blue October... here in Hartford... i just can't even believe it... that makes me so happy... that's all

321...

that's how many calories you burn... on a treadmill... at an incline of 5.0... walking 3.5mph per minute ~ during an entire commercial free episode of Lost ~ just a little over 40 min...

you might wonder how exactly i know this... 'cause i'm freakin' HOOKED... seriously to the point that on this beautiful day... one of very few left where i could actually walk outside... get some sun and not freeze to death in the process ~ did i walk outside ~ nope... put Lost in downstairs and continued on this... hell... BENDER i'm on... BONUS... i left my room and my bed ~ to my credit i did my strength training last week 'cause i do that upstairs anyway... but had not done any real cardio 'cause i need to finish Season 1 and 2 before Season 3 premieres on 10/6...

but what you need to realize is... i fought this... for exactly this reason... this is how i get... all consumed... thank the good LORD this started after the kids went back to school... i can get my fix in while they are in school and not feel like a total degenerate...

here's my deal... i absolutely love Hurley... Sawyer (i know can't help it)... Charlie...

i absolutely can NOT stand... Locke (sp?)... Clair(not sure why ~ just something)

i'm not sure what i think about 'the tailers' yet ~ although was very happy that Rose got her husband back...

this is good tv... i gave up on tv... i gave up after too many different versions of the lawyer drama... the medical drama... the csi's... the law and orders (sorry jocelyn)... too many reality game show dramas... you get my point here i think... there was too much the same ~ no one was being creative... at least in my opinion anyway... was never much of a sitcom fan... well Arrested Development being the most recent exception but that's even been a fight to keep on the air... i like funky tv... always have... so this totally appeals to me and i'm not happy... i could be doing so many better things with my time than watching tv... although i guess once i'm caught up the time commitment will reduce so that is a good thing

so yes Gage i should have listened... yes you were right i love it...

God has truly blessed me...

with the most amazing group of friends... they vary in every possible way imaginable... some i've known forever... some not so long... but everyday i am reminded in more ways than i can count... that i am truly loved and appreciated for who i am... to be so loved is more than i could ever have hoped for and i'm writing this mostly because i want them all to know that i do in fact know how blessed i am... so just because i could never do enough to feel that i have truly expressed how i feel... i hope that just this ~ thank you ~ is enough and know that i will always try and do all i can forever to give back some of what is given to me each and everyday...

'just a broke troubadour...'

'with a bark for the under dog... so i walk on' ~ Why Me by The Lost Trailers

i'm really diggin' their latest album... that's all ~ rock on

my daily tarot card...

'cause i do in fact seek help from every possible avenue...

The Fool ~ 'may innocence find wisdom'

that my friends is PERFECT

i couldn't write about it yesterday...

'cause i keep waiting year after year for the pain to not be so great... it doesn't even really compute 'cause i wasn't there... i didn't know anyone... in the grand scheme of personal ~ it didn't touch my life at all like it did so many others... we all have our stories... i have two... one a friend who lived in a brownstone not far from 'zero' and they just got in their car and left... drove cross country 'cause all they really wanted was to be with their dad... the other a very dear friend who was fortunate enough to get up from his desk at the Pentagon and walk to the copy machine... seconds after walking away from his chair... it was gone as that was where the plane hit... he has two teenage children that need him a lot... we are blessed that God shed grace on him

on Sunday i saw the commercial… very simple… but extremely moving… ‘Where were you…’ and then it proceeded to show pictures of people… sitting at a table… pointing at a staircase… driving in a car… standing in their driveway… lying in bed… it’s funny how that question has evolved to something that you almost don’t have to finish… we talked about that as well as other firsts last night… the first time we heard or saw a plane in the air after that day… the first time we flew after that day… things that previously had been fairly matter of fact… what a different impact they made on your life after

i made the decision that day to change my life… granted i absolutely did not see it going in quite the direction that it did… i knew it was going to be difficult… i truly had no idea just what that meant at the time… but having said that… it was worth it as i truly took responsibility for my own happiness that day… i like to think that is a fitting tribute to all that was lost that day…

Favorite New Song...

Chasing Cars ~ Snow Patrol

we'll do it all... everything... on our own

we don't need... anything... or anyone

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world...

i don't quite know... how to say... how I feel

those three words... are said too much... they're not enough

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world

forget what we're told... before we get too old... show me a garden that's bursting into life

let's waste time
chasing cars
around our heads

i need your grace... to remind me... to find my own

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world...

forget what we're told... before we get too old... show me a garden that's bursting into life

all that i am... all that i ever was... is here in your perfect eyes... they're all i can see

i don't know where... confused about how as well... just know that these things will never change for us at all

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world...

i've been waiting almost 8 months...

and it's finally tomorrow... Manning v. Manning ~ i'm so excited i don't know if i'll even sleep... it's gonna be a fun evening in my house no question ~ got five bucks and lunch on the game... and i'll admit it... i'm a little worried ~ the Giants look really good this year and can i just say i would NOT want to be Mama Manning tomorrow

my driver made the Chase... and is in the lead by a slim five points... it was fun 'cause a bunch of my race fan friends came in to the bar tonight to watch the final race with me... as much as i want Matt to win the championship this year... there are four other drivers that i wouldn't be terribly disappointed if they win... so it's going to be an exciting 10 races to the championship and they are going back to Talledega in a month which makes me happy 'cause i just love that track

Pat and The Lost Trailers pretty much restored my sanity this week... the NYC show was one that i will never forget... the Northampton show was one i had been waiting for since i first heard Pat as i got to go with my dear friend that introduced me to Pat and she now understands... it's just one of those things... until you see it live truly you just don't get it... well she spent the last 36 hours trying to convince me to call off of work and got to Boston... so there you go... Pat covered 'Ring of Fire' ~ well for more reasons that i can explain... that's 'our' song and the look on her face when he started that priceless... if truth be told... the entire setlist was perfect

i absolutely love The Lost Trailers new album... my favorite song off of it today... Simple Life... 'it was a simple life... it was starlight nights... you held your family tight in an endless summer... and if you listen you could hear... the sound of white tail deer running through a cotton field under moonlight cover... they said things would change in time... but that never crossed my mind... 'cause i believe in a simple life... ' *SIGH*

it's time to start holding back...

probably way past time at this point but i truly believe that if i love you and if you need it and i have it to give... it's yours

i truly believe that if you are a good person and you do good things... they will in turn come back to you in the end...

i truly believe in the good in everyone ~ even in some that most don't see any good in ~ i'll find it and try to make that outshine whatever else so that others may see it as well to help people get a second chance or a new start...

i truly believe that we are all here to help and take care of each other... because if we don't this world is going to fall apart at a much more rapid pace than it already is...

i have never been one to hold back anything when it comes to giving to others ~ i hold back a lot on taking for myself or speaking for myself or standing up for myself... especially if any of those things are going to cause any kind of confrontational situation... it's just not something that i feel comfortable doing...

well lately all of these beliefs have been turned into ugly things... people have misread intentions... my integrity and my morality have been questioned... sometimes by other people and sometimes by the ones that i was trying to help... it's not been often in my life that i have felt taken advantage of ~ i have been to a degree that is completely unfathomable and i let it happen... i need to say that again.. I LET IT HAPPEN...

i've cried... i've lost sleep... i've not smiled... i've been angry... i've hid... i've apologized unnecessarily... i've lost my ground... i've been hurt... i've felt shame... i've hurt the one i love the most... I'M DONE

so i feel better ~ even though this has nothing to do with the ones who read this with any kind of regularity... you've all walked with me through this and so mostly i'm putting this here for you... so that you know... i do in fact KNOW and i love you for sticking with me through it... i know for some in particular watching it and experiencing it with me as been heart wrenching and horrifying... i will never be able to thank you or fix any damage that was done to you or to us because of it... but since it's what i do... i will never stop trying

the beautiful thing is that most of you that read this won't see a change because you all have proven that what i have to give... you deserve to receive... and in turn give me back just as much and some even more... i'm blessed in my life to have so much real true love... i've heard that a lot recently even... that if all i have from now until the end is what i have right now at this moment... it is in fact more than enough...

so Agassi made me cry...

and i'm not a huge tennis fan but someone had it on in my bar and his speech... umm yeah ~ and tears at work aren't good...

other than that what a freakin' day ~ i woke up in a great mood... had a good night... but some people are just not happy until they bring you down... well he did and i let him know it which for me is huge 'cause usually i keep that stuff to myself... but seriously i try really hard just to keep people smiling and i don't ask for anything from anyone and today this guy was bound and determined from the get go to get under my skin... well he was successful and i let him know it ~ then Larry came in and set him straight that's a good thing

and then my three favorite customers came in and all was ok again... but we were stupid busy all weekend... so now i'm tired... just finished my 9th shift in a row... two more to go and then my dear friends... i get Pat and i get Pat AND The Lost Trailers... not once but TWICE and in NYC... and here at home

THAT DOESN'T SUK at all... and after... all will again be right with the world... i'm certain of it

for those that think i'm cooler...

when talking about Blue October... this post isn't one you want to read i promise...

just went to make lunch and turned on the countdown... Pat's up to number 8 this week... that just happens to be my favorite... i have a thing for 8s... i know we all know... anyway that made me smile... the fact that i'll be seeing him twice this week... once in NYC and once with the one the brought me too him... well that's just perfect

i worked hard yesterday 14 hours... prepping and serving a rehearsal dinner ~ which made me realize a few things... my sweet Giselle said at one point in the evening...'Roberto how the hell do you do this everyday without Lori making sure you are on track...' ~ i'm not even kidding he has the worst ADD of anyone ever... but we do work really well together 'cause there are not egos involved we both just want the job to get done and get done well and it was... it was beautiful and perfect and they were all happy... i loved it ~ being part of that from start to finish... seeing that a whole pantry of grocery bags turns into platters... sauces... dishes... smells... smiles... i would have NEVER picked this for myself... it was a last minute i don't care i need to make some money this summer deal... i don't even like food... but i can say this and i'm not being boastful... i'm good at this... really good at it

i was told halfway through the morning... that i was in charge of music ~ duh right ~ but there wasn't anywhere to play any... so in my head all day... 'go find yourself somewhere else chasing dreams on the streets of LA... don't let this town tie you down when bigger life's calling your name... you'll find who you are if you follow your heart... go with it wherever it leads...' ~ i just love that ~ it's perfect in such a way for me that only Pat does... i hope in one of the two this week i get to hear that

'... i won't let you down i'll be here if it turns out that i'm what you need... you'll find who you are if you follow your heart... go with it wherever it leads ~ get on back fast if you find yourself missing me...'

spent the day feeling sane...

i have a very good friend... we've known each other for the better part of six years now... she has three children... i have two... her oldest and my oldest are both in fifth grade... both Jordans... the night we met our initial conversation went like this... her ~ 'Jordan are you ready to go we need to get home and feed Kaylea?' me ~ 'You have a Kailey too... my dog's name is Kailey.' the funny half of that is she didn't hear me say dog and the next day i got a phone call from my uncle who works with her mom asking me when i had my second child... we were pregnant together in 2000 and when we found out that she was having a girl and i was having a boy... we joked that they'd be born on the same day since we couldn't name them the same thing... fast forward to the 8th of November as i'm being settled into my room for my induction i ask my sister if she saw their truck in the parkin' lot... the nurse comes in and asks if my friend or neighbor is having a baby... i respond 'Is Christie here?'... she was in the next room... had Jarrett... and six hours later i had Jake...

we have some kind of karmic connection and she is going to do some shifts at the restaurant that i work at... i got to train her today... it was pretty great and i came home... happy...

another friend of mine is going to be working some shifts as well... i'm brining sanity in... there isn't enough there now at all and if i do this... it could be an amazing place

'how you doin' baby?'

that's what Larry says to me every time he comes in to start his shift... i can count on it... like i count on the fact that Jordan has blue eyes... Jake has brown eyes and my dog will come out of the bathroom as soon as she hears me walk in the door (don't ask) and for the first time in a LONG time when he said it i said 'Fantastic... Lar how are you?'

and he looked at me with this look... this man has only known me a little over a year but he has me figured out better than most... and he says 'Really... 'cause i almost believe you.' and i said 'Yeah really... i've decided it's all in the twist... sometimes you get yourself so focused on something that you can't see anything else and if you twist just a little bit and change your view ~ boom Life is Perfect again and you can in fact breathe... you do in fact feel loved... and if you choose you never have to look in that same direction again.'

He looked at me... with this smile that he has that is just so soothing... and says 'I like that life philosophy... I'm going to keep that thank you.'

Your welcome... and if it helps anyone else... well there you go

and they are off...

Kindergarten and Fifth Grade... and i'm sad... ish ~it's not a sad thing it's once again... there is not enough time... and a full day for my boy... i miss him already... and i'm tired of being the strong one... that's my mommy whine for the day... it's always me... standing there... as they walk away... thank the good lord for my truck and my cd player...

'... my heart'

'... can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with...' Because of You ~ Kelly Clarkson

ummm yeah

'i woke up this morning...'

with Texas on my mind...' and i'm going to have all the details and plane trip booked by wednesday of this week... doing this... all the parts of my body that were holding on to too much pain... let it all go and i am smiling and feeling just better about everything

my meg said to me yesterday that getting on my first plane to Texas was what made me certifiable... well yeah ~ but in a really REALLY good way... life has not been the same since and it's been so much richer and brighter and fuller when my focus is on those that love me there and all that i love about what i have found there...

there is an old Crosby, Stills and Nash song... i believe '... there's a rose in a fisted glove and the eagle flys with the dove... if you can't be with the ones you love honey... love the one your with' ~ tried that it just really doesn't work for me sorry... i need to be with the ones that i love and those that love me so i'm gonna just do that

i'll stay green... be a pea... mix with my carrots and just be freakin' happy ~ random but for me it is PERFECT

weekend wrap up...

Pat was on CMT and his video is number 11 on their countdown

Hate Me is back on the VH1 countdown and it was number 17

Matt wins both the Busch race AND the Nextel Cup Race... the Cup win locks his spot in the Race for the Chase and he is only seven points behind the leader Jimmy Johnson...

The Colts won their first game this year

The Giants beat the Jets... which makes my parents happy... again makes me a bit nervous but still its football and i am happy that we are able to talk about football again

The Yankees win... again more for others than me as it's baseball

so... things are turning around...

you would think...

we were related or that i had something more than just genuine admiration invested in this man ~ 'cause i watched CMT Insider... and tears of pride and joy for him just stream down my face... and truly not just 'cause i cry over everything right now... i am just so happy for him... i didn't get like this after the last cd... just not the same for me ~ maybe it's a focus thing and it happened for me when i needed it... i don't know... anyway that's all check out CMT Insider this week... 'cause he's there OH and the Trailers are on there for a bit too...

the Giants are looking good...

i know it's preseason... but i am starting to sweat the 10th a bit...

i had a totally different post here... but i don't have it in me anymore to put myself out there like i had... i'm feeling just a bit too raw i realized this morning when talking to someone about it... 'cause they didn't say anything that i didn't expect and ~ stinging... burning... so i just can't right now... and it's not anyone's fault... i'm my own worst enemy as they say

i wasn't going to cry today...

yeah well so much for that... i truly thought i was done crying about four years ago... boy was i wrong... i prefer cheek bustin' grins to tear stained cheeks... no question

ok so maybe a little...

as evidenced by the two tix to the Pat at Irving Plaza in NYC that i purchased online last evening...

Obsessed?

hmmm ~ so i've worn a different Pat shirt everyday now for ummm a weekish... and still have three to go... i bought my second copy of Cannonball today and already have someone to give it to 'cause a friend of a good friend saw my shirt tonight and said... 'Pat Green... love him.' ~ oh really... umm yeah me too... then she got the story... talked her and my friend into going to the show with me in two weeks... track six and eleven have been on exclusive repeat for the last 24 hours... and before that i had been listening to the Three Days cd again 'cause it makes me feel better... still ~ like nothing else does... i still feel closer to the people that have come into my life as a result of his music than i do any others ever and they are all far far away from me in distance... but i carry them in my heart and they heal my soul EVERYDAY

so i don't know... obsessed sounds like such a dirty word... but whatever it is... i've got it and had it now for a long time and i don't want to let it go ever... so tomorrow... it's my El Arroyo Shirt 'cause i'll need that ~ it'll get me through

15 more wake ups... then i get to see him live and seriously nothing is better... well ok... Blue October is almost as good... but it's different i need to figure out how to explain that...

i got a text message from the one that introduced me to pat... played that cd with 'those songs that we keep missin' on cmt' ~ the message said 'i just heard Way Back Texas loved it can't wait for the show.' i can't wait either... and i enjoy that song from the new cd as well...

'...or sometimes just a song playing on my radio
and there i go just wishing you were singing along...' ~ Way Back Texas
i cried... happy tears... in texas... in laineyloo's car... first night in austin... we were all singing along to 'my music' as i so eloquently put it that night... i really do share better than that... but it's a good memory regardless

so there is apparently a contest...

that i have to win... 'cause it would be season tix to the Colts for the 07 Season...

for peace... this is what i got today...

pat ~ two weeks from tomorrow... or 15 wake ups

Manning V. Manning ~ opening weekend... 18 wake ups and what a game... and there is still a very real possiblity that i could be in the stadium for that... can't think about that too much 'cause i'll just burst

laundry... it's almost done

lunch with my beautiful girl

i got to hear pat live via cell

Texas... october 18th to the 23rd... gonna make that happen... and i have a list of people that i need to hug and i'm only eating kolaches for the entire trip

jocelyn ~ thank you ~ just THANK YOU

i'm looking forward to a day soon with no tears... where nothing hurts... i'd even take numb over pain right now...

i want to smile... a real one ~ maybe even before october

ok... just that's enough for now...

today's favorite new Pat Green song...

'... you'll find who you are if you follow your heart...' ~ Missing Me

to say things have been bad...

is an understatement ~ i did something i never thought i would do ~ shut my phone off... i just needed to be alone... well wait... left alone... with my thoughts to try and figure out some crazy shit that's been going on and i needed to not be distracted by other things because this is all so big for me...

so i have figured a damn thing out ~ well i won't have sex with brandon for a million dollars...lol that's more for his benefit than anything else 'cause my view on money frustrates the hell out of him and the fact that he figured that out before even finishing the question was quite hilarious at 2:30 this morning...

i've been told twice in the last 24 hours that there is a saddness in my voice that was never there before... it might be permanent 'cause i've been hurt this time really bad ~ well it's not the worst but i think one of the benefits of a scar is that it's tougher to get through so perhaps it won't hurt as much... something to think about anyway ~ it still hurts though and worse i feel foolish ~ and again alone... which is really not a good thing for me... i know i'm not... but once again the ones that i need the most are the fartest away... i hate that about my life...

one will be back next week ~ she's at my beach and there is a promise of a shoulder upon her return... and i'm gonna use it if i don't totally break between now and then... so i have to ~ what is it they say '... put on my big girl panties and deal with it...' ~ well so at about 4:30 today i really have to deal with it... and i have no idea how any of this is really going to pan out

here's what i know ~ Pat Green's new album today is where i found my smile... 'To all who listen: Thanks for the chance to have our musi be a part of your lives. I hope it was time well spent. It is a tiny, very distant star that we who make music look at for direction. But it is real to us. Maybe it is just our imagination. You know what, pondering on that little star got me here. What a mess....' ~ that's beautiful

i know my kids are happy and healthy... and will continue to thrive 'cause its the only thing that i am kind of good at these days

i know that i am loved by a select few that will never let me down and never leave me to my crazy head and will continue to keep me sane and help me on my quest for that ever elusive PEACE...

i know that i am just going to keep breathin... keep puttin one foot in front of the other.... find random smiles from random moments and hold onto them for some healing... and in between all that ~ i'm gonna hide again for awhile 'cause it doesn't hurt so much

my song today... 'There's a spot on earth a man can go.. to find himself and free his soul... a place somewhere between heaven and hell... where no one hurts and all is forgiven... a door that leads to light and grace... but the keys are in the darkest place... though it feels like i've been there before... though i don't know what i'm looking for... and i'm trying to find it...' ~ I'm Trying to Find It ~ written by Hambridgel/Steele ~ performed by Pat Green

when the devil deals the cards...

our gracious Lord sends angels for lunch...

call it kool aid if you must...

but i love Love LOVE ~ Feels Just Like It Should... Pat's new single... it makes me smile ~ a BIG HUGE CHEEK BUSTIN' smile

'Some things are true...'

'... whether you believe in them or not.' ~ Seth from City of Angels

i forgot how much i just love this movie

World Trade Center

the most intense movie i have ever seen... extremely well done... the most humanity i have ever seen on the big screen... the quietest movie theater ever ~ except for the sniffles...

favorite new artist...

JAMES BLUNT... check him out...

'...i am a dreamer but when i wake,
you can't break my spirit ~ it's my dreams you take.
and as you move on ~ remember me
remember us and all we used to be
i've seen you cry... i've seen you smile
i've watched you sleeping for a while...' Goodbye My Lover


'...beautiful dawn ~ you're just blowing my mind again
thought i was born to endless night ~ until you shine
high... running wild among all the stars above...' High

the cd ~ Back to Bedlam... every song it just amazing

61 no *

61 people walked into my restaurant last evening between the hours of 5 and 9pm... we served them all ~ oh my lord i got my butt kicked... not a question

but we did it... and we were still smiling at the end of it all... apparently i don't suk at this job ~ i must say i'm grateful that the bar was empty 'cause i couldn't have done it if the bar tender couldn't have helped...

and now on to the farm...

if you are a good person...

GOOD THINGS HAPPEN FOR YOU...

September 7... Northampton, MA.... PAT GREEN my friends and opening up for Mr. Green... that would be THE LOST TRAILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

'... so just give me my good friends... and a good hearted woman... just give me some high times... to fall back on...' ~ TLTs

so i entered hell...

saturday morning about 3:45 and was actually allowed to leave about 9:30 last night... my friend got arrested... actually i was standing on the sidewalk when they put him in the cruiser... that suk'd... he called me out of a deep sleep to say i need to get to where he was 'cause if i didn't bad things were going to happen...

well bad things were going to happen... they had happened... whether i show'd up or not... however my head working like it does... i spent the day wondering if i had not changed my clothes... if i had driven faster... if i just had gotten there sooner maybe i could have been the voice of reason and things would have been different ~ of course that's insane but i live in crazy... i get that

there are so many things about this situation that i have no idea what happened... hell my friend blacked out and doesn't remember anything past talking... in a friendly way even for an hour to the person that pressed charges... here's the thing.. i don't care what happened... well i care a little 'cause i think some choices were made that could have been different... obviously anyway never mind

a few points... it sux when someone you love goes to prison... you don't get a lot of info... they really only get one phone call... and when your that call... holy hell i'd thought i'd felt the weight of the world before... you should have seen my talking to his mother and then his father ~ oh yeah and that was the first time i'd ever met his dad... he must think i'm such a freak

ok so he's home... it's going to be a misdeameanor... we had corn on the cob... chicken... he's embarrassed as hell... but it's shit like this you figure out who your friends are... he talked to my mom for a long time... that helped ~ 'cause he'd met her before but they don't know each other that well ~ but like me... we don't judge... it's not our place... we can give a shoulder... an ear... and some advice if it's requested... but we love... and continue to love... in spite of and because of all the things that makes someone we love the person they are

day 2... so let's see if we can follow this... so the friend that was in jail ~ well his mom is a very dear friend... well on the same day her son is incarcerated... she finds out she has to put her dog to sleep... so yesterday that's what we did... dug the hole... blah blah blah... the whole bit... if you know anything about me... i have three children... jordan is my daughter she is 10... kailey is my beautiful german shepard she is 9 and my jake is my son he is 5... so in my world that just suk'd yesterday...

that's enough... sorry back to happy place today... KC is a year old today and yesterday he started walking... well wait RUNNING all over the place... yay!

Random stuff...

i'm so glad to see football on Sports Center again... and it's looking like i may be in East Rutherford, NY for opening day... if that happens talk about dream come true stuff seriously...

i got a bunch of CD's in the mail today... i love Love LOVE music... i know but some may have missed that

i'm really good at what i do ~ two people told me today ~ that makes me smile and i would have never thought in a million years that this would be the job for me ~ but hey ~ who likes their landlord... not many.. if any ~ now someone brings you good fool... you kind of like that person for at least a minute or two right?

i've heard two reviews of Talledega Nights... is it Wednesday yet 'cause i'm excited and i want to see it and the drive in with my NASCAR buddies... tailgating... it's going to be GREAT!!!!!!!!

i went 'home' this week ~ i apologize if that hurts the one that i love a lot... but it's been great for me ~ and i'm gonna stay for awhile

planning a Texas run for late October... it's necessary and will be sooo good for me ~ i need the kind of hugs that i get there... and i am in SERIOUS need of a freakin' KOLACHE... lol

Pat's new album... well..it's Pat... nuff said... i can't wait and watch out 'cause you know how i get

we now have Blue October on the juke box at The Pub... after last Thursday i won't be there much... but for a hole in the wall in Vermont to have such GREAT music... i'm serving my purpose well

and finally... i just love BEER

'...my mind it kind of goes fast...'

'... i'll try to slow it down for you'

good lord were truer words ever spoken or in this case sung... and that doesn't look right... maybe it's not a word

ok see... ADD in HIGH gear of late and maybe i need to reconsider meds again... 'cause i'm feelin' a bit out of control which for me isn't abnormal but i'm a bit past the limit that i like to let myself be out of control ~ you know there is a line... just enough to be spontaneous... fun... not bored... but not so much that you make a wreck of everything in your path ~ i haven't wrecked anything that i care too much about yet... and i even think some of what has gone bad lately isn't my fault but i guess the control freak in me thinks that maybe i could have done something different

someone asked me if i believe in love the other day... and as i was answering the question i realized that i still don't... i tried for awhile... and thought i could but... truly ~ i know my gram loves me... i know my babies love me... and i know my friends love me... but that love... the for better... for worse... forever... fat and lazy... strong and happy... would carry you when you can't walk... would sing your praises upon a crowd that isn't listening... sees everything beautiful and ugly and doesn't run... that love... i don't know... don't think so... it's the forever part that gets me the most as in our world of bigger... better... faster... prettier... the heart got lost ~ symbolically the heart is perfect... symetrical... two halves... that come together to make a point right...

well the human heart... it's ugly... it looks unfinished... it's fragile... it hurts... it just doesn't fit in our world that's become plastic and fake right down to teeth whitener for crying out loud... i'm not cynical in most aspects of my life... it's creeping in from time to time... but i'm truly a half full glass person... until this subject and then there is no glass

having said all of that... take nothing away from the fact that if i tell you i love you.. i do in fact mean it... because of all your perfect flaws not in spite of them... the people that i am blessed to have in my life... they all have walked through fire with me... not for me or because of me or whatever... but with me... grabbing my hand if i slipped... sometimes i went down too hard or too fast... and they all helped to pick me back up and find my path again... and for me that's ALL i want... so to those that know... well you know...

so July is over...

and i'm not exactly sure where it went... there were some never ending days... there were some days that were too short... there is about a week that is a complete blackout... i had some serious fun no question... made some seriously grown up decisions which is not so like me... made some not so grown up decisions ~ but i don't regret a thing... had soo much fun... had not so much fun... and now that the adrenaline is just about gone from my system... i'm tired and feel every bit of the 34 years that i am...

change in plans...

given some of my posts lately this may not come as a big shock... the aforementioned move is now not going to happen... before anyone worries for even a second ~ i'm doing very well with this decision...

look at it like this... in a new place where i know absolutely no one... who would stay with child a while i'm taking child b to the er at 2am... AND who would hold my hand in the er while i'm freaking out about child b...

that was the final straw even though the camel's back had been in serious pain for a few weeks before that

so for those of you desiring 'lori time' might i suggest October... the Fall Foliage is just absolutely breathtaking... and by then i may be in my own space and can be a proper hostess... although if it's needed soon... brandon... jocelyn... gage... they can all tell you that my family is extremely hospitable and will welcome any and all with open arms

so we walk into McDonald's

and Billy Joel's Piano Man is playing on the radio... oh wait... to put it into perspective we were in TIMES SQUARE.... seriously it was a perfect moment for me

which is my point... i had about a thousand perfect moments in the last week and now that i'm slowing down the memories are flooding me

i gave Justin an 'ounce of peace' ~ ok... so Gage gave it to him for me... but it's the thought and i've wanted that to happen since i first heard the lyric... '...an ounce of peace is all i want for you will you never call again...'

so my forever friend and my best friend bonded ~ THAT MAKES ME SMILE HUGE... i have created a musical monster in my newest closest friend... but that was necessary i could only handle so much more baseball conversation

my kids and Gage got along fantastically which makes me so happy... i just feel completely content at this very moment... i apologize Gage for all the times in the last week that i pissed you off but i don't even remember them and the whys or the hows or whatever... it was just a perfect PERFECT week.... and i love you my dear friend

and have i mentioned that Blue October live is my new HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY place...

ok... that's all i got for now... hope all that i have not been in touch with for being stupid busy are happy and having a fantabulous summer!

NYC

let me just type that one more time...

NYC baby ~ oh my holy HECK... oh ANNNNNDDDD...... Gage....

oh and a little band i've mentioned ~ Blue October

there aren't words... i'm still flying from it all ~ Times Square is beautiful at 3am... Ground Zero makes you feel just exactly how you would think it would... TGIFridays is expensive as hell

and Justin Furstenfeld is without even a hesitation the best performer ever ~ EVER... well in my world anyway... being front and center for the entire performance... sharing it with a veteran and a virgin that isn't even a music lover ~ who five minutes into it said 'I'm fuckin' going on Friday too.' ~ was the icing on the proverbial cake

we drove by CBGB... i punched Gage... didn't mean to hurt him ~ i just get a little excitable

i saw Herald Square... 'Give my regards to Broadway...' it was lost on my two pals... but i was smilin' big HUGE CHEEK Bustin.... i'm absolutely IN LOVE WITH NYC

so ER visits...

with five year olds all night long... suk ~ in case anyone wondered ~ he's much better but for about five hours there was the possiblity of surgery and anesthesia and that put sheer terror inside my heart...

my mom sat with us ~ thank you... and thank the lord for my three dear friends that didn't sleep all night right along with me... checkin' in makin' sure i was holdin' on to some semblance of sanity... it wasn't easy but we made it

he has a virus that inflammed his lymph nodes and that was causing him severe pain... unfortunately it just has to work it's way out of him... but he's already this evening looking more like himself and eating a bit... now i need some sleep

three things that made me smile...

Dierks Bentley talking about his 'friend' Stoney Larue on CMT...

half a dozen white roses from the new love of my life ~ my son's five year old best friend Ethan who said he got them for me 'Because your beautiful Lori...'

and 'Don't say that around me again ~ it's was from someone that hurt you and i don't want to be associated with someone that would ever hurt you.'

how much do i love my HayJay...

so much ~ she posted this just exactly when i needed to read it and i'm now sharing it with you!

The Man Who Didn't Believe in Love

"I want to tell you a very old story about the man who didn't believe in love. This was an ordinary man just like you and me, but what made this man special was his way of thinking. He thought love doesn't exist. Of course, he had a lot of experience trying to find love, and he had observed the people around him. Much of his life had been spent searching for love, only to find it didn't exist.

Wherever this man went, he used to tell people that love is nothing but an invention of the poets, an invention of religions just to manipulate the weak mind of humans, to make them believe. He said that love is not real, and that's why no human could ever find love even though he might look for it.

This man was highly intelligent, and he was very convincing. He read a lot of books, he went to the best universities, and he became a respected scholar. He could stand in any public place, in front of any kind of people, and his logic was very strong. What he said was that love is just like a drug; it makes you very high, but it creates a strong need. You can become highly addicted to love, but what happens when you don't receive your daily doses of love? Just like a drug, you need your everyday doses.

He used to say that most relationships between lovers are just like a relationship between a drug addict and the one who provides the drugs. The one who has the biggest need is like the drug addict; the one who has a little need is like the provider. The one who has the little need is the one who controls the whole relationship. You can see this dynamic so clearly because usually in every relationship there is one who loves the most and the other who doesn't love, who only takes advantage of the one who gives his or her heart. You can see the way they manipulate each other, their actions and reactions, and they are just like the provider and the drug addict.

The drug addict, the one who has the biggest need, lives in constant fear that perhaps he will not be able to get the next dosage of love, or the drug. The drug addict thinks, "What am I going to do if she leaves me?": That fear makes the drug addict very possessive. "That's mine!" The addict becomes jealous and demanding, because the fear of not having the next dosage. The provider can control and manipulate the one who needs the drug by giving more doses, fewer doses, or no doses at all. The one who has the biggest need completely surrenders and will do whatever he can to avoid being abandoned.

The man went on explaining to everyone why love doesn't exist. "What humans call 'love' is nothing but a fear-relationship based on control. Where is the respect? Where is the love they claim to have? There is no love. Young couples, in front of the representation of God, in front of their family and friends, make a lot of promises to each other: to live together forever, to love and respect each other, to be there for each other through the good times and the bad times. They promise to love and honor each other, and make promises and more promises. What is amazing is that they really believe these promises. But after the marriage---one week later, a month later, a few months later--- you can see that none of these promises are kept.

"What you find is a war of control to see who will manipulate whom. Who will be the provider, and who will have the addiction? You find that a few months later, the respect they swear to have for each other is gone. You can see the resentment, the emotional poison, how they hurt each other, little by little, and it grows and grows, until they don't know when the love stops. They stay together because they are afraid to be alone, afraid of the opinions and judgements of others, and also afraid of their own judgements and opinions. But where is the love?"

He used to claim that he saw many old couples that had lived together thirty years, forty years, fifty years, and they were so proud to have lived together all those years. But when they talked about their relationship, what they said was, "We survived the matrimony." That means one of them surrendered to the other; at a certain time, she gave up and decided to endure the suffering. The one with the strongest will and less need won the war, but where is that flame they call love? They treat each other like a possession. "She is mine." "He is mine."

The man went on and on about all the reasons why he believed love doesn't exist, and he told others, "I have done all that already. I will no longer allow anyone to manipulate my mind and control my life in the name of love." His arguments were quite logical, and he convinced many people by all his words. "Love doesn't exist."

Then one day this man was walking in a park, and there on a bench was a beautiful lady who was crying. When he saw her crying, he felt curiosity. Sitting beside her, he asked if he could help her. He asked why she was crying. You can imagine his surprise when she told him she was crying because love doesn't exist. He said, "This is amazing---a woman who believes that love doesn't exist!" Of course, he wanted to know more about her.

"Why do you say that love doesn't exist?" he asked.

"Well, it's a long story," she replied. "I married when I was very young, with all the love, all these illusions, full of hope that I would share my life with this man. We swore to each other our loyalty, respect, and honor, and we created a family. But soon everything changed. I was the devoted wife who took care of the children and the home. My husband continued to develop his career, and his success and image outside of home was more important to him than our family. He lost respect for me, and I lost respect for him. We hurt each other, and at a certain point I discovered that I didn't love him and he didn't love me either.

"But the children needed a father, and that was my excuse to stay and to do whatever I could to support him. Now the children are grown and they have left. I no longer have any excuse to stay with him. There's no respect, there's no kindness. I know that even if I find someone else, it's going to be the same, because love doesn't exist. There is no sense to look around for something that doesn't exist. That is why I am crying."

Understanding her very well, he embraced her and said, "You are right; love doesn't exist. We look for love, we open our heart and we become vulnerable, just to find selfishness. That hurts us even if we don't think we will be hurt. It doesn't matter how many relationships we have; the same thing happens again and again. Why even search for love any longer?"

They were so much alike, and they became the best friends ever. It was a wonderful relationship. They respected each other, and they never put each other down. With every step they took together, they were happy. There was no envy or jealousy, there was no control, there was no possessiveness. The relationship kept growing and growing. They loved to be together, because when they were together they had a lot of fun. When they were not together, they missed each other.

One day when the man was out of town, he had the weirdest idea. He was thinking, "Hmm...maybe what I feel for her is love. But this is so different from what I have ever felt before. It's not what the poets say it is, it's not what religions says, because I am not responsible for her. I don't take anything from her; I don't have the need for her to take care of me; I don't need to blame her for my difficulties or take my dramas to her. We have the best time together; we enjoy each other. I respect the way she thinks, the way she feels. She doesn't embarass me; she doesn't bother me at all. I don't feel jealous when she's with other people; I don't feel envy when she is successful. Perhaps love does exist, but it's not what everyone thinks love is."

He could hardly wait to go back home and talk to her, to let her know about his weird idea. As soon as he started talking, she said, "I know exactly what you are talking about. I had the same idea long ago, but I didn't want to share it with you because I know you don't believe in love. Perhaps love does exist, but it isn't what we thought it was." They decided to become lovers and to live together, and it was amazing that things didn't change. They still respected each other, they were still supportive of each other, and the love grew more and more. Even the simplest things made their hearts sing with love because they were so happy.

"The man's heart was so full with all the love he felt that one night a great miracle happened. He was looking at the stars and he found the most beautiful one, and his love was so big that the star started coming down from the sky and soon that star was in his hands. Then a second miracle happened, and his soul merged with that star. He was intensely happy, and he could hardly wait to go to the woman and put that star in her hands to prove his love for her. As soon as he put the star in her hands, she felt a moment of doubt. This love was overwhelming, and in that moment, the star fell from her hands and broke in a million little pieces.

Now there is an old man walking around the world swearing that love doesn't exist. And there is a beautiful old woman at home waiting for a man, shedding a tear for a paradise that once she had in her hands, but for one moment of doubt, she let it go. This is the story about the man who didn't believe in love.

Who made the mistake? Do you want to guess what went wrong? The mistake was on the man's part in thinking he could give the woman his happiness. The star was his happiness, and his mistake was to put his happiness in her hands. Happiness never comes from outside of us. He was happy because of the love coming out of him; she was happy because of the love coming out of her. But as soon as he made her responsible for his happiness, she broke the star because she could not be responsible for his happiness.

No matter how much the woman loved him, she could never make him happy because she could never know what he had in his mind. She could never know what his expectations were, because she could not know his dreams.

If you take your happiness and put it in someone's hands, sooner or later, she is going to break it. If you give your happiness to someone else, she can always take it away. Then if happiness can only come from inside of you and is the result of your love, you are responsible for your happiness. We can never make anyone responsible for our own happiness, but when we go to the church to get married, the first thing we do is exchange rings. We put our star in each other's hands, expecting that she is going to make you happy, and you are going to make her happy. It doesn't matter how much you love someone, you are never going to be what that person wants you to be.

That is the mistake most of us make right from the beginning. We base our happiness on our partner, and it doesn't work that way. We make all those promises that we cannot keep, and we set ourselves up to fail."

~Don Miguel Ruiz, "Mastery of Love"