it's time to start holding back...

probably way past time at this point but i truly believe that if i love you and if you need it and i have it to give... it's yours

i truly believe that if you are a good person and you do good things... they will in turn come back to you in the end...

i truly believe in the good in everyone ~ even in some that most don't see any good in ~ i'll find it and try to make that outshine whatever else so that others may see it as well to help people get a second chance or a new start...

i truly believe that we are all here to help and take care of each other... because if we don't this world is going to fall apart at a much more rapid pace than it already is...

i have never been one to hold back anything when it comes to giving to others ~ i hold back a lot on taking for myself or speaking for myself or standing up for myself... especially if any of those things are going to cause any kind of confrontational situation... it's just not something that i feel comfortable doing...

well lately all of these beliefs have been turned into ugly things... people have misread intentions... my integrity and my morality have been questioned... sometimes by other people and sometimes by the ones that i was trying to help... it's not been often in my life that i have felt taken advantage of ~ i have been to a degree that is completely unfathomable and i let it happen... i need to say that again.. I LET IT HAPPEN...

i've cried... i've lost sleep... i've not smiled... i've been angry... i've hid... i've apologized unnecessarily... i've lost my ground... i've been hurt... i've felt shame... i've hurt the one i love the most... I'M DONE

so i feel better ~ even though this has nothing to do with the ones who read this with any kind of regularity... you've all walked with me through this and so mostly i'm putting this here for you... so that you know... i do in fact KNOW and i love you for sticking with me through it... i know for some in particular watching it and experiencing it with me as been heart wrenching and horrifying... i will never be able to thank you or fix any damage that was done to you or to us because of it... but since it's what i do... i will never stop trying

the beautiful thing is that most of you that read this won't see a change because you all have proven that what i have to give... you deserve to receive... and in turn give me back just as much and some even more... i'm blessed in my life to have so much real true love... i've heard that a lot recently even... that if all i have from now until the end is what i have right now at this moment... it is in fact more than enough...