"We Had Him"

Beloveds, now we know that we know nothing.
Now that our bright and shining star can slip away from our finger tips like a puff of summer wind.
Without notice, our dear love can escape our doding embrace.
Sing our songs among the stars and walk our dances across the face of the moon.
In the instance we learn that Michael is gone, we know nothing.
No clocks can tell our time and no oceans can rush our tides.
With the abrupt absence of our treasure, though we are many, each of us is achingly alone; piercingly alone.
Only when we confess our confusion can we remember that he was a gift to us and we did have him.
He came to us from the Creator, trailing creativity in abundance.
Despite the anguish of life, he was sheethed in Mother Love and family love and survived.
And did not more than that, he thrived.
With passion and compassion. Humor and Style.
We had him.
Whether we knew who he was or did not know, he was ours and we were his.
We had him.
Beautiful, delighting our eyes. he raked his hat.
Slant over his brow and took a pose on his toes for all of us and we laughed and stomped our feet for him.
We were enchanted with his passion because he held nothing; he gave us all he had been given.
Today in Tokyo, beneath the Eifel Tower. In Ghana's Black Star Square, in Johannasburg, and Pittsburgh. In Birmingham, Alabama and Birmingham, England. We are missing Michael Jackson.
But we do know we had him.
And we are the world.

-Dr. Maya Angelou; read by Queen Latifah

it's hard to believe that it's been 5 years

because it feels like yesterday and forever ago all at the same time!

I'm so grateful for my life today... I have a brother that I didn't have 5 years ago. I can feel my heart again... it hurt too much five years ago to allow it to feel. My children now know the faces and have spent quality time with those that became so important to me. We have shared so many experiences and they finally got to see me TRULY at my best and most happy.

I'm grateful for all the ones that are vital in my daily life now that never would have been had I not made that first trip.

I'm grateful for all the ones that were the reason I wanted to make that first trip to begin with.

I'm grateful that I live under the biggest sky on the planet with the most magical sunsets I've ever seen.

I'm grateful that I sit on my back patio and hear the crickets... but can drive just 20 minutes and see the beautiful lights of downtown Dallas.

Five years ago this weekend... I came to Texas for the first time... I'm so grateful today that this is where I make my home and for the family that comes along with that.

today's the day my friends...

the world can be so cruel
well let me sing for you
this cradle song
all night long...

it's worth it... however you get your music ~ get Cradlesong by Rob Thomas!!!

i have sooooo much to say...

and yet i'm tonguetied all at the same time...

Michael Jackson's contribution to the world was CRUCIAL in forming who I am today.

I may be the ONLY PERSON on the planet that got where he was coming from when he talked about sharing the love... extending a bed to those without one... it wasn't about sex or anything perverted or anything devious... it was about recognizing that there are so many with less than nothing and being one with SO MUCH to share with them... he gave the world so much and still the world asked for more and speculated about things that our shameful society didn't understand...

For me the bottomline... he was an artist... sometimes it was a blessing... sometimes a curse beyond all curses... he was in fact as so many before me have said... MAGIC

'...everyone's taking control of me
seems that the world's got a role for me
I'm so confused will you show to me
will you be there for me
and care enough to bear me...' ~ Will You Be There... Michael Jackson

and it's really only Wednesday

sooo to catch those of you up that don't follow my mess on twitter...

I get to daycare facility on Monday to pick up Frodo (read Jake... however remember the previously blogged about forest incident ~ ok you see where I'm going then!)... they take the little tag that is supposed to ensure no one picks him up... he is where he is supposed to be safely locked away until he is released into the loving care of well... ME. I'm waiting and waiting as my son has 2 speeds ~ slow and slower!

He arrives... and is standing next to a police office ~ I joke 'You're not with him are you?' ~ officer 'Are you Jake's mom?'

YEAH... NICE right...

So Frodo was not happy with another child at daycare and knowing that inflicting bodily harm would NOT fare him well... he decided to pack up his coloring... grab his back pack and walk home.

Let me explain ~ Daycare is on east side of the major N/S interstate... the VERY NICE Officer picked my child up on the west side of the majoy N/S interstate and one exit South (closer to our home... he does in fact know how to get home from daycare!)

Yes ~ every possible emotion one can feel in the matter of 10 minutes I had... some I didn't even know you could have!!!

He is fine because as he pointed out... he stayed on the grass the entire time! In fact, he's rather puzzled as to what he did that was so wrong. Well Frodo, there are a whole slew of awful people that could have picked you up and tried to make you their own ~ 'Mom, I left daycare, I would leave them too... I'm ALWAYS going to be with you!!!'

The police officer was extremely nice and puzzled why my fearless, independent child was not afraid of walking along a major freeway but seemed terrified of a police officer ~ OOPS... The Daycare facility is now being investigated by the state ~ I did what I don't do and marched in there and said "ummmmm yeah he shouldn't have left ~ but really y'all were supposed to be watching and he walked right out the front door ~ wtf!!!" I was a bit more eloquent than that and there were a lot more tears.

Fun Times... ugh

*sigh*

here's why I love my life... after nights like last night, I'm NOT sad anymore!!


and I have half a mind to drive to Ardmore and do it all over again tonight... i'm still on a Braun high... that will wear off around 2pm and I'll be very excited to be in my bed by like 7pm...

Thanks my beautiful friends... the day of my birth used to SUK ~ not so much any more!!!!!

have I mentioned that I LOVE him...

www.huffingtonpost.com/rob-thomas/the-big-gay-chip-on-my-sh_b_208183.html

you'll have to copy and paste that link... but GO read the story it's GREATNESS!!!!

Bravo Mr. Thomas... BRAVO!!

there will be more greatness...

as I've mentioned previously, but well it bears repeating, Rob Thomas was given his gift to keep me sane!!!

'and she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She’s down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down...'

the new album cradlesong will be out in June... *sigh*

The Ultimate Quote of the day

got this in an email... AMEN!

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

'You've got to take the bad with the good'

...a friend sent that to me in a text yesterday ~ he was being funny... it doesn't make me laugh

I had an incredibly fabulous weekend!

The opera was more than I could have imagined and I'm ready to go to another immediately.

Ryan Bingham with the people that love and get the essence of me better than anyone ever has. Oh and it was Ryan Bingham which took a minute but has quickly moved into my favorites list! It was my first full band Bingham show... did NOT disappoint.

So I was smiling pretty big yesterday... but you know I'm pretty sure I'm entitled to that. The smile... the happy... the good. As many know... I've had my share of bad. I mean and it got worse than some even know 'cause I've kept the lowest of lows to myself. I don't think that life is going to be this ridiculously happy path of daisies and blue bonnetts forever, I'm cool with a bump in the road here and there, I'm tough as you know. But really... no I don't have to take the bad anymore.

Randomness

~ My new favorite word is bitchassness... thank you diddynation

~ I'm wondering a lot lately how's the progress on that commune in the Hill Country for all of us that don't suk to move to is coming along... I'm ready to move in NOW

~ I now live with a teenager... so far not much has changed but it's only been 3 days haha

~ once again it's solidified that I live exactly where I'm supposed to... translate that to in Texas... still keep working on that commune whoever is in charge of that plsandthanku

~ twitter is entertaining me more than I thought it would

~ I'm going to the opera on Saturday, do I HAVE to wear a dress?

~ Thai food has taken over the favorite spot from Mexican... although after typing that I now want spinach enchiladas

~ I miss Pat Green and must get to a show soon

~ I don't like the new Blue October cd... there I said it... ish

~ I DO love the new Pat Green cd... What I'm For, if you don't have it... GET IT NOW!

~ I'm ready for summer as we are all in better moods with less on our plates everday

~ We are skydiving at the end of May... if you want in let me know!!!

~ 103 days until we leave for Jackson Hole and Idaho

~ I need to go back to Virginia Beach and spend some time with my family there... I miss them too much

ok... I'll leave you with a bit from the new Blue October album... not the whole thing sux

'and I wish that only greatness would follow you around
I hope to God, you find a way to keep from down...' ~ Blue October

and a little from the new Pat because NONE of that sux...

'when there's no one around and the silence in your soul is the only sound
in the darkness that surrounds you are you hiding from the light
when you finally hit the bottom will you do what's wrong or right
you're gonna find out what your made of... in the middle of the night'

Everybody’s gotta getaway…

Seriously so I’ve ordered my passport… I don’t know where we are going… or who we is exactly… but I would like there to be very warm temperatures, beautiful blue/green water... sand… a chair… and I’ll take those bottomless beers that they had in Austin at The Parish Room as well.

I want to park myself on the beach at about 11:30 am everyday… maybe get in the pool with a swim up bar for a bit in the afternoon… I want a boy with a guitar or hell I’ll take a mariachi with a warm ocean breeze in the evenings…

I don’t need bright lights… fast paced anything… I’m more than happy to stroll from place to place… taking in whatever sights there are to be had… no one who is or acts younger than 13 is invited ~ sorry… I want a real grown up vacation.

If this sounds enticing… let’s plan it!!!

Things are good...

if you check in here ever and were wondering... well Jordan has comandeered the computer so I have very little time on an actual machine anymore, which is ok. I have the basics on the blackberry... and very little time so the time i have i'd rather call and have some 'human time'...

Idaho is 116 days away... and i'm counting down every single one of them!!!!

I will be the mom of a teen next week... those days however can CREEP by ~ although she is more stressed out about it than I am! "Mom there is so much pressure that I'm not ready for..." no worries sweet girl... I'm not going anywhere.

I wish you all a Blessed Easter... I'm off to Austin for some Blue October... Jake's first Blue show... WOOO HOOO

let's try this again...

I’ve been less than inspired to write anything really at all. Well for various reasons I suppose. I’m good right now and kind of missing this… although not sure that I have much to say. This coming weekend brings me to that place that I love the most, with the people that I love the most, I generally walk away from that situation bubbling over with so much to say about how much I love this life I’m living. For now… I’m doing pretty ok for a change and I’m kind of afraid to jinx that…

i'm struggling right now...

with a lot of things... and i'm not sure that i'm handling it all very well... i know i'm praying a lot... and i know i'm taking it out on people... i can feel it... i feel like i'm living in peanut butter... like everything takes a crazy amount of effort including just taking air in and out of your lungs... one foot in front of the other... tripping over nothing... can't get out of my own way...

i need a sunrise... soon please and thank you!

i love this band...

Stuck in a Stare



and i got to see them live last night... it didn't suk even a little bit...

Jamie's blog...

for those of you that don't check it out regularly... Jamie Tworkowski writes a blog for To Write Love on Her Arms... today's is especially relevant and I want to share it with you all as I love you more than you know...


As For Today / A Christmas Blog.

Hey Guys.

Sorry it's been a few days. i hope this finds you warm and with people you love.

At the heart of today is this idea that we've been given a gift, and the gift suggests that we are part of a bigger story. Gifts and stories are the same in that we get to choose what we do with them.

Someone hands you a present and then you get to choose:
Should i unwrap it?
Should i take it home?
Should i make it part of my life?

Someone tells you a story and you get to take it in and you get to reflect:
Do i believe this story to be true?
Is this story supposed to change me?
Should i carry this with me or should i let it go?

A new friend was asking me some questions about TWLOHA this week, and she asked what's surprised me the most over the last couple years. i thought for a minute because it's a good question, and because there's been a lot of surprises. i told her that the most surprising part has been to see the way people respond to things that are true. We didn't invent hope or help or community, or the idea that every person has a story and every story matters, but it's been amazing to see people respond to those ideas. It's been amazing to see those ideas begin to touch and move and change people.

So here's the thing with today:
There's a story and perhaps there's also a gift. The enormous bold claim of Christmas suggests that God loves us, and that he wants to know us. To say it a different way, it suggests that perhaps we were created to be loved, and created to be known. And the flip-side is that maybe we were made to love and to know as well. It's a wild mysterious story and if it's remotely true, then we're far-less alone and far-more loved than we could ever know.

In this life, we get to make a lot of choices. We don't get to choose the things that break or haunt or hurt us, but maybe we get to choose how we respond and what we choose to believe in the face of those things. We get to choose to go alone or to let people in. We choose our response to pain.

i was gonna write some other stuff, about redemption and the bigger story, but i think i'll keep it short instead.

In the face of today, this Christmas, wherever you are and whatever you see, things missing or perfect or broken, take a moment to look through a different lens: God loves you. And if that's too weird or too much, then i'll say it how we normally say it: Perhaps you're more loved than you'll ever know. And perhaps you are part of a bigger story.

In all of it, our hope is that you might feel encouraged today, that you might feel alive and less alone.

Merry Christmas.
jamie

PS: Go see Slumdog Millionaire. It's a beautiful film set in India, a love story in the midst of pain. It is an undeniable picture of someone driven by love, and someone refusing to give up on their story, no matter what happens. Go see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button as well. i saw it a couple weeks ago and you would never believe me if i told you who i sat next to : )

PS2: Came across a great quote in the trailer for Synecdoche, New York: "There are millions of people in the world, and none of those people is an extra. They're all the leads in their own stories."

and again

Merry Christmas ~ laa

my holiday wish for all of you...

is that someone asks you about something you fear the most... or that you are least proud of... or that you feel shame about ~ that someone asks you to tell them that story... you tell them and they look at you with the same love... or maybe even more... than they did before they knew... it will truly set you free i PROMISE!!!

Merry Christmas... Happy Hanukkah... Good Kwanzaa... Hope its the best Thursday of the year... whatever you are celebrating... or not if you don't.... if you read this i probably love you a lot... and am grateful that you love me back!!!

'Saint Theresa don't you worry...'

Saint Theresa's Prayer


May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.....
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing,
dance, praise and love.It is there for each and every one of us.

ha... who knew... ok well I didn't... but I do now...

i truly want to believe in people...

but damn it... it's HARD some days!!

the saving grace here is that many are already hard at work trying to help right some wrongs that were done... you know i've said it here before... the thing is i want to help fix the things that are really hard to repair...

take away the fear of leaving your home again because well you don't know what will happen while you are away... ease his mind that he can still protect his family without doing what he once thought he would never do... mostly just help heal the part of the soul that has been damaged

again i'll say... it's been a crappy year.. ugh

Five years ago today...

i stepped WAY out of my comfort zone and responded to some chatter that was going on in a 'Chat Room' on a website... i was so excited that they were actually talking about Pat Green and his music... shows they had just been to and ones they were looking forward to... i don't remember what specifically made me chime in but i did and after a small amount of sharing a very dear friend suggested that i check out another website... www.galleywinter.com and well that brought me a home... a family of the most amazing friends anyone could ever hope for!

'Your so pretty...your all so pretty'

and when Justin says that i know exactly what he means... and i LOVE being in that place most of all... at a Blue October show... don't get me wrong Stoney acoustic is right up there as being one of my most favorite places...

i realized something last night though... at a Blue October show... EVERYONE is equally paying attention... singing along... jumping around... just truly being present in the event at hand... all grateful for the honesty that they display with how they write... not afraid to be brutal or sensitive or angry or sad or joyful...

Justin smiled a dozen smiles last night... and the grace that he displays on stage is awe inspiring...

you know... so many of us live a broken life ~ and i don't mean that we are walking around feeling sorry for ourselves for the trials that we've endured... but that we wear our scars without shame from where they came from... last night we all just celebrated where we have been... delighted in where we are... and got excited about where we are going...

the setlist was impeccable... so much of what I love the most... and just enough of what's to come that we can't wait for March... and with the new album is the promise of many more nights like last night... and that makes me VERY happy

i have decided that for now... for ALWAYS... my favorite...

...an ounce of peace is all I want for you ~ will you never call again
and will you never say that you love me ~ just to put it in my face
and will you never try to reach me... it is I who wanted space


Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

2008 in review...

well i've successfully stayed smoke-free... for the most part the kids are really happy and doing well in school this year... Secondhand Serenade and Thriving Ivory woke me up in the middle of the night so that I could fall in love with their greatness... Edward came into my life... let's see i'm scraping the bottom and there isn't much... for the most part 2008 was a bust... i feel like i spent most of it counting my breaths... reminding myself how to put one foot in front of the other... head down... move forward... get through it...

i've made some solid decisions in the last six weeks... hopefully they will help turn the tide for 2009

i continue to be more than grateful for the love in my life... i get tired of my crap so i don't know how so many of you are able to have the patience to deal with it and still be by my side... i have learned what unconditional love is this year and i can't express how it feels to know that i'm loved like that!

I wish you all Peace and Love during the Holidays and always... I plan to actually SEE you all so much more in 2009!!!

A little piece of heaven…

Came down to visit here on earth last night in the form of Micky Braun, Willy Braun, Stoney Larue and Jeremy Watkins… for most that read this… I just typed a GINORMOUS mouthful.

As great as I knew it could be… it was better!!! First of all if you missed it somewhere ~ Stoney acoustic pretty much sets my world straight in about every way possible. So when he broke out into… 'I am a lineman from the county…' *sigh* ~ see THAT’s what I love about Stoney acoustic… sure we get Solid Gone… One Chord Song…Down in Flames… all the songs from Stoney that we love ~ but he never fails to throw in a little gem or two that he loves and wants to share with us… or remind us of the greatness that came before…. And for the second time in four days… ‘will you miss me in Carolina… will I miss you in Tennessee..’ brought just this overwhelming sense of peace… see I had put my iTunes on shuffle on Thanksgiving and it came on first ~ well the best part of that is it’s from a cd that I thought I had ‘lost’ so that was GREAT news!

Micky and Willie ~ where do I start… well okay first of all… they are my newest favorites… so many of you had said to me over the years… really why don’t you like Reckless Kelly or what do you mean you don’t get Micky and the Motorcars… I am pretty sure at this point it was just timing, see I’m still relatively new to all of this… I’ve only just been listening to Pat for well almost 6 years ~ so I just needed time to take it all in

Watching them last night… well ok they are brothers and you can just see that they are from the same cloth… it was during Oasis… Micky singing along… turned over his guitar to add a bit of percussion to the song… there was something going on during that song that was just awesome in the most real sense of the word.

I don’t get to nearly the number of shows that I would like too… life sometimes gets in my way but I believe… and I think many will agree… it’s hard to find someone that has a better time than I do truly enjoying the music that is giving to us during the show.

So the four hours of sleep that I didn’t get last night… the red eyes that I have today... it’s all worth it for the permagrin that I’m wearing. It was the beginning of a month of shows that well truly it’s like the music powers that be have said… you’ve had enough… leave it to us for awhile… Blue October this Thursday… Bleu on Saturday… 12 Man Jam Sunday… Josh Grider & Drew Kennedy on the 13th… PAT GREEN on the 20th…

And she’ll exhale… for real

Perfection...

my idea of perfection involves a dining room table and every chair has one of my most favorites in it... i had that last night and we laughed... had really great conversations about life... politics... where we came from... where we hope to go... the things we trip over... the things that make us soar...

it's exactly what i came to Houston for... to fuel the fire that drives me... to feel loved by these people that know the good, the bad, the ugly, the goofy and still call me friend...

THANK YOU.

a confession...

I like cake... I REALLY like frosting... and I'm really just done being ashamed of that. I don't need to eat the whole cake... in fact usually I can only eat a few bites but I think it's ok if I do decide to eat the whole piece.

I struggle always with the mirror... if anyone knew what I see when I look they would probably worry a lot... and the thing is I know I'm the healthiest I've probably ever been... but there is that part of my head.... that says it's not enough...

this is the my least favorite part of me

My Jake

so... he turned 8. I've got 10 more years to get it all in, even though he claims he will never leave me... well I'm not holding him to that.

I'm gonna share something here 'cause it's where I do that. This will maybe shock those of you that read this and are aware of how close my boy and I are...

I was SO mad when I found out I was pregnant with him... I was only going to parent one child... there were many rational reasons for that decision... I'm not going to get into the medical reasons as to why I found myself with child... but I wasn't thrilled.

To the point that I refused to talk about it... got irritated with others when they did... finally asked for permission to grieve the life I thought I was going to have and please PLEASE contain your enthusiasm.

Thinking about all those feelings today... well let's just say I can't imagine life without my boy... he has brought so much joy and a fresh perspective to every thing in life... he truly is a special little guy with the way that he thinks... I'm taking him to meet some of my friends that... well quite frankly the fact that he hasn't met them is shameful...

I hope they like him too!

so its over...

that which i believed would not end... i did all i could and still never enough... well its all i got... and i truly am sorry

to the president elect...

a thought... the opposite of war isn't peace it's creation

we are currently CREATING a safe environment for the Iraqi people to start anew after too many years under the govern of a tyrannical dictator

we are currently CREATING a barrier of protection for those people from many that would like to inflict further terror on a people that have already endured more than their fair share

we are currently CREATING a sense of hope where once there was only fear

please don't be hasty in using the new power you are about to have to destroy all that has been CREATED...

there are many that have a very real prospective of the situation... heed what they have to say... choose your advisors wisely let them be knowledgeable and not just people that agree with you...

above all else... do NOT let all that has been sacrificed already be in vain...

this is my prayer this evening

so here we go...

i'm not going to lie... i'm very fearful of this 'change' that has been promised... all historic significance aside... i don't support a lot of the ideas that he has said he will bring to fruition... and the fear i have in my heart right now... well its why i choose my bubble...

i feel a great sadness for the one that i have for so long admired and believe in... he will forever be in my mind the purest of patriots and i believe it should have been his time...

i also am sad for the families out there that had hoped their voices would be heard... too long now families of children with special needs have been not even on the stove let alone the back burner... there was a very clear beckon of hope for a moment... my heart hurts for them too...

I have the best friends in the world.

Period... I've had a lot of reflection the last few days... trying to make the right choices... wallowing in self pity for a minute. You know whatever... I'm blessed.

So I missed Bleu and Adam on Thursday night... that sux but they will be back and I will still be here!!!

I think because I brought my life to Texas I forgot what a minute what all that would mean exactly. So every once in awhile I get down when I miss a show. That's just silly and I need to not do that anymore because you know what... I still get to have lunch with Deidre and see her everyday... I have a roadtrip to Houston in two weeks... I'll be in OK at somepoint over Thanksgiving to play with my favorites...

I'm really thankful that I got a reminder!!!

day 6...

of no anti-depressant...

my joke is i take an anti-depressant because everyone around me is crazy... the cost of that is i never like the way i feel... i understand that there is a very large population of people for which these medications are crucial and life essential

i'm just not one of them... about six months ago... i was having anxiety... panic attacks... not sleeping... a touch of paranoia... angry outbursts... well just about three weeks ago ~ i changed some things about my life... six days ago i didn't take my pill... and today i feel pretty good... a clear head for the first time in MONTHS... (this cold aside) ~ i believe for me... generally it's an external change that i need to make... not adjusting my chemistry...

i'm putting this here as a future reminder... if i ever think again that maybe i need to be on something... maybe i need to evaluate the outside influences and see if they are really good for me or not so much!!

Fall is my least favorite season...

Probably comes from being raised in New England... I always felt like it was all a big hoax because sure it can be BEAUTIFUL in Vermont with the changing of foliage... but all that does is reel you in for the horror of the winter that is to come... i don't like winter... and fall is just a reminder that it's coming... the cold... the dreary... the gray... the damp... it really brings me down and the thing is that even here in Texas... although it's not at all as big of a change as it once was... its enough... and quite frankly more than i thought it would be... both winters here thus far have included more snow and ice than i had imagined there would be...

I've made some changes in my life recently... it's early still and the sting has almost completely left and I know in the long run I will be better off... but the timing sucked 'cause well it's Fall...

My house is almost done... and I look around my apt and it's bittersweet...

ok... so i'm wondering... is this what a caterpilar feels just before the final turn... the fear of what the next step mean... the anxiety of the unknown... the anticipation of all the exciting things that are about to be.... i believe it's got to be close...

My point in all this... even though at this moment with everything... i'm COMPLETELY out of my comfort zone... at the most inconvenient time... I'm pretty sure it's about to be the beginning of something FABULOUS...

no knows what they would do...

but i'm so sad tonight as one of my friends lost the father of her child and her future husband last evening because he decided a life where he couldn't use his arms and legs was not worth living...

so i say again... none of us know what we would do

and to paint the best picture his spinal injury was the same as Christopher Reeves... he required a breathing machine and was told that given all that current medicine could provide... he would never walk again... he chose after two months that this was not the life for him and requested the doctor to shut off the machines that were breathing for him...

he didn't want this life... he didn't want to be a burden to his mother... his future wife.... his daughter...

but i have to wonder... is it more of a burden that the 18 month old grows up without the benefit of her father's wisdom... advice... discipline

i think we sometimes put too much on what the body is able to do... and don't give nearly enough credit to all that we have to offer as just people... thoughts... ideas... experiences...

i'm in the midst of many medical tests... (and if i need you i'll let you know this is the topic of another blog)... but the point currently is no matter the outcome... i will choose to fight for my children because i want to watch them grow... i want to hear their opinions... i want to share my thoughts on what they want to wear for their first dance... graduation... i want to meet the people that they love... i want to kiss away their tears when their hearts break... there will always be things i can provide with so much more than my arms and legs...

does that make sense... for my friend... i will hold her hand through this hell she is in... and pray everyday for her to find peace in his decision... if you are a person that prays... send one up for them... they will need all they can get

ok...

so something i've believed to be true... well many will think it took her long enough... some will get it... right now... i'm tryin' to get ok with everything...

thank you all for loving me enough... i love you more than i've shown...

*sigh*

Road Trip...

my new three favorite things....

Chapel Dulcinea






Hamilton Pool




Salt Lick BBQ




*sigh*

so at the end of it all... i said to my boy... 'Jake... good day or bad day?'

'Well mama... Thriving Ivory and Secondhand Serenade are now my bestfriends... it was the best day ever!'

we went on a roadtrip to Maxwell, TX to see the two mentioned bands... they signed pretty much anything my kids asked them too... including my sons bicep which he promptly asked if we could tatoo... yeah you'll thank me in about five years when i remind you that you wanted to do such a thing...

Deidre is TOO much fun to roadtrip with...

If you are in the area... SERIOUSLY... see the above three places... Salt Lick is not really an 'unknown' to those familiar with Texas cuisine... but i don't know how well known the other two are... but they are WELL worth a look...

stolen from my HayJay

I AM … refreshed.
I WANT… to go back to Austin.
I HAVE… to go on vacation soon.
I KEEP… the paper wristbands from shows.
I WISH I COULD… write songs.
I HATE… that word...
I FEAR… my children being in pain.
I HEAR… that little voice in my head telling me to go slow.
I DON’T THINK… clearly before 10am.
I REGRET… nothing.
I LOVE… music.
I AM NOT… ready for cold weather.
I DANCE… only when drunk.
I SING… all the time.
I NEVER… say never.
I RARELY… take a day off.
I CRY WHEN I WATCH… The Notebook or Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.
I AM NOT ALWAYS… at peace.
I HATE THAT… I can't seem to be stronger.
I’M CONFUSED ABOUT… a hundred different things.
I NEED… relax... take one thing at a time... then I'll get it right.
I SHOULD… stop shoulding on myself...

"it all started... naturally with hate me..."

safe to say... if you have seen the tattoo... i'm MORE than passionate about this song... and now this too...

oh my lord...

The Thorn Birds

"There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself upon the longest, sharpest spine. And, dying, it rises above its own agony to out-carol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the price of great pain... or so says the legend..." by Colleen McCollough

ok... i have read this book every year... at least once a year since I was about 11... yes that young for such a mature story...

it's my favorite novel... or it was...

until now... Twilight the Series by Stephenie Meyer

oh My HECK... it's amazing...

"Do you think any of us want to look him in the eyes for the next hundred years if he loses you?" Alice

i don't want to give anything away... but I'm on team Edward... I hear these are labled young adult novels... wtf ever... just sayin' they are well written and as a mid adult... well H.O.T. for me... but i have this crazy vampire thing anyway... I love them... LOVE them...

*sigh*

Michael Phelps

nuff said

Lowest of lows…

The thing about me is that when I’m happy, excited or passionate about something it takes me to this almost magical place where everything looks better, smells better, tastes better, feels better… a friend recently said to me that she never gets terribly excited about anything… but she is ok with that because the converse is that she never gets the opposite which is feeling just utterly shattered.

That’s pretty much where I have been lately… feeling like I can’t get out of my own way… feeling sad… lonely… confused… empty…

I’m not bi-polar ~ I’ve been on enough couches… it would have been diagnosed by now if I was. But I’ll say that it feels that way sometime. I can very much point at all the factors that have me feeling this way and I’m trying to sort them all out… it’s just none of it is a quick fix… it’s all things that take time and patience and you just have to muddle through…

So I’m not in Idaho ~ I need to be… but I had to make one of those awful grown up decisions… I need badly a vacation… not necessarily to go anywhere other than to just shut down my mind for a brief period of time and rejuvenate. I’m working on that.

For those that check in here… I do miss you all a lot. I’m just not a whole lot of fun right now so I’ve kept to myself… I’ll come back around to the happy side of life again soon… I feel confident of that!

'...you are beautiful.'

Who doesn't want to hear that... right... and people tell me all the time... and mostly i know they are referring to what they see on the inside... and that's THE most important part to me anyway...

however... someone lately started telling me that they think i'm beautiful.... to look at... and they aren't legally required to think so...

it's nice.... it's very nice

for my friends who read...

Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller

“Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.” (Blue Like Jazz)

i love this book... take the time... you won't regret it

down to 2...

and i keep trying to find the word...

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN...

did NOT disappoint... and you know i was four rows from the ceiling and with the exception of the 12 year olds that were up front... i don't believe there was a person having more fun in the arena... the person that got the tix told me today he was sorry he couldn't get better seats... but you know what... i was a fan with other fans... having THE TIME OF OUR LIVES...

Jon Bon Jovi showing up to hang out and sing one with Bruce didn't suk either!!!

'i just wanted you to know i had a lot of fun with you last night...'

and thing about that comment is i think i've come a long way in a year... the first time i went to a show when i moved to Texas... i was talking to my gage on the phone on the way back to my apartment... and i remember saying 'i'm not sure how this is going to work... they want to talk and play too much... i REALLY want to listen to the guy on the stage'... my friend assured me that night that after a certain amount of time i'd relax and realize they aren't going to be few and far between... i won't always need to be front and center... or everyone will think i'm a freak... LOL

of course because my gage IS NEVER right... i assured him that if that happened i would lose something special that i treasure so NO that won't happen...

ok ammending that now 'cause he was right... and it's ok... because i think i've found the balance and i don't feel the urgency like i used to which is a blessing 'cause that was heartbreaking sometimes...

and i get to enjoy my friends too and THAT is the best part!!!

can i just say again...

O.A.R. this band makes me HAPPY... ok... i just got Live At Madison Square Garden on DVD... sooo very good... if you like say... Dave Matthews... Reggae... good music... give it a try

and then... ok... seriously

Secondhand Serenade... i can NOT stress enough how much I LOVE THE WRITING... so if you are looking for something new... you won't be disappointed

'You look so rested!'

that's what i was told today... okay... let's give you just a little background... first of all there is the whole MESS that has been my life since January (which if you read my blog you know already)... then last week was Michigan... four auctions a day... 900 properties... ugh

at 5:10pm on Friday... the president of a brokerage in IN called to talk to the president of my company... bottomline... this lady is trying to buy a house... she is havin' a mental issue... tried to kill herself... blah blah blah... (for the record doesn't sound like a good risk for a mortgage if you ask me) anyway... i'm SO not the person in my office to handle this kind of stuff yet it fell on me 'cause well it's who i am... after that however... i was completely SPENT

so it was Greenfest this weekend... friends... music... road trip... we head out on Saturday morning... and all of a sudden four hours later... we chatted our way to San Antonio and it felt like five minutes...

i just have to say... i needed a place... a safe place to just cut loose and know that i would be taken care of... i found it... and i'll tell you what i say it all the time... i am blessed with the best friends in the world... i drank a beer or two... i laughed... i hugged... i listened to my favorite music... there were tears... but the happiest ones!!! i made a fool of myself in front of dktx but i believe he'll forgive me... in fact that's why it was ok because they ALL will forgive me and understand that it was just necessary.

Sunday home was PERFECT, at least i thought so, we took our time... we stopped and sat by the pool... had a beer... listened to Dave Mason... again perfect

i missed some of my favorites and i wish they were there... but can i just say... this weekend did so much to heal what was broken... and so yes today i felt whole... and rested... and LOVED

THANK. YOU.

Our Horoscope

i say our 'cause A LOT of Geminis read my blog...

Is something just not working out in one of your newer relationships? Miscommunication, misunderstandings, and inconsiderate actions have helped build up quite a wall between you two, and you need to address the situation today. Do not dwell on what has happened -- focus more on the reason you have chosen to be in each other's lives to begin with. Has that reason changed? If so, it might be time for you to move on. Friendships don't always have to last forever.



very interesting... we'll see how this works out.

The reality of swaddling…

they teach you in the hospital when you have a baby… ok at least they did 12 years ago… anyway they teach you how to swaddle you baby. They explain that when you do this they feel safe… the idea being it resembles the confinement they felt in the womb and that’s familiar to them.

So what they don’t teach you is that you will always be trying to recreate that feeling… the rest of your life… you’ll go through phases as to what you use… when I was really little it was this pillow that I literally just relinquished about five years ago… it got so threadbare at one point that I sewed a pillowcase shut to keep it together a bit longer… then it was my grandfather’s army jacket from Korea… I wore that big ‘ol jacket daily with everything… and it was FUGLY no question… but I felt both safe from and ready for battle in it ~ you know during those angst filled teen years when the ENTIRE world is against you and yours for the conquering all at the same time…it still hangs in the closet at my parents home… I pull it out every now and again when I’m there just ‘cause

In the most recent years it’s my light blue old navy hoodie… nothing special about it really but i wear it when I’m just in need of feeling safe… protected… comfortable ~ it’s also my charms… i am not often without them… it’s funny because when I share them with people who are curious they tend to comment (faith ~ you do have a lot of faith… courage ~ oh I agree I’ve known few with the kind of courage you have…) what they are missing is that I wear the charms I wear because they are things I feel I am lacking and need…

Finally it’s always music… l will drive with it as loud as I can trying to bathe myself in the peacekeeper of the moment (Secondhand Serenade…OAR… that’s what’s doing it for me right now)… I walk around with my iPod in my pocket and an earbud in one ear the other left for the world…

So the lesson learned here is this… if you see me… in my light blue old navy hoodie… iPod in one ear… it’s probably not a good day

Shiny Moment of the Day ~

Jake ~ ‘mama… what’s this?’

Me ~ ‘it’s mascara’

Jake ~ ‘what’s that for?’

Me ~ ‘your eyelashes…’

Jake ~ ‘ok… where’s the stuff that makes your lips sparkly… I like it when you sparkle’

i have so many thoughts these days...

depending on the minute and name in my last call list...

so i'm going to try and put some of them here in the hopes that i can start to sort through them...

first of all... i'm fearful that too much time with something that brings out the worst in me... is going to devour who i am until i become that person that i don't like even a little again

however... the one that loves me... i mean truly loves me... says it and i believe it... says it first even and if he forgets calls me back to say i'm sorry i forgot something... that one... my completely perfect imperfect love... he promises that it won't ever happen and i believe that he won't let it happen... how great is that feeling...

ok so many of you will be wondering about that... the thing is i choose to keep this for me... with very few exceptions... i know it won't ever be more than what it is right now... and right now it's exactly what i need... someone who knows EVERY detail of my life... and i mean everything... and still loves me not in spite of my weaknesses but accepting them and holding my hand when they are exposed

so the weeks since i've last posted have been filled these two things... too much time and then not nearly enough... i think one balances out the other... that's what i'm hoping anyway

week 2...

so there are two songs... that regardless of everything... will always bring the tears... and today in church the choir beautifully sang one of them... the other is Ave Maria...

amazing grace... how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me....
i once was lost but now am found...
was blind but now i see...

t'was grace that taught...
my heart to fear...
and Grace my fears relieved...
how precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed

through many dangers toils and snares
we have already come
t'was grace that brought us safe thus far
and grace will lead us home.

the Lord has promised good to me...
his word my hope secures
he will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures

when we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun
we've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun

amazing grace, how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me....
i once was lost but now am found,
was blind but now I see...

the tears were happy... peaceful ones

movies

i'm on a kick right now...

Once, Waitress, Across the Universe, The Namesake, The Fountain

i recommend them all but remember i'm pretty out there in my taste so you may like them... you may not... but each one is worth a look

next in my que... Martian Boy and We Own the Night

i'll get back to you...

Thirst Quenchers

you know i'm a big believer in signs... i like having some kind of guidance that i'm on the right path...

so yesterday we went to church.

Jordan has been wanting to go for some time now... she went with my dear friend Lisa, however Lisa is Catholic ~ i was not raised Catholic and that's all i'm going to say about that 'cause see one of the biggest reasons i don't go every Sunday is because while i have a very good relationship with Our Father... i have not always left houses built in his honor feeling his presence there ~ and again... enough said about that

yesterday was not one of those situations... and when we pulled in and Jordan said 'You can go to church in jeans?' as we watched some of the others there walking in i knew i had chosen the right place for us ~ my response to her 'You absolutely should be able to ~ God doesn't care what you wear he's looking into your heart.'

the sermon yesterday was based on Exodus 17 ~ where Moses got water from the rock... and the Pastor talked about being alone in the desert and feeling thirsty ~ metaphorically of course referring to that feeling i've mentioned here all too much lately about whether God is paying attention or not... so yeah it could not have been a more perfect day for us to go

Jordan loved it... it was the right mixture of worship... song... devotions... just a beautiful service with the right focus in every aspect of the day... so we will be going back...

‘The truth hurts’

right… that’s what they say ~ and it can… so my advice to you today my dearest friends

be VERY careful who you share your truths with… be certain they are worthy and will carry it safely… that they will not turn your truths on you to hurt you… because that hurt… well it’s just numbing

so go to wherever you go to hear music and listen to this… every once in awhile I’ll hear a song and TRULY wonder… was this written about me…


- James Blunt Lyrics

i have an email...

that says 'Your Bob Dylan ticket is attached'

OH. MY. HECK.

better than 100 Christmas mornings for me in my world!!!

i'm just broken...

and havin' a hard time matchin' the pieces back up to glue them all together again... and when i start to ~ i get shaken... so i think i'm just sittin' in the mess for a minute and prayin'


it's all i got... i just hope that i find a fire to warm this sadness soon 'cause i don't want this to be me...

Junior High

ugh... so we registered... and i cried... nuff said ~ they are growing too fast... my folks always said that... i never got it... 'til now... and mostly it's just 'cause i love them... and i love being with them... and i don't want them to leave me... selfish i know... ugh

Super Bowl... seriously ~ 18-1 ~ AWESOME... my daddy is SOO happy... POETIC JUSTICE i say

note to self... next super bowl monday... take a personal day...

jordan apparently can shoot dice... which made her smile... and that is a good thing... already lost mother of the year award for this one... it was like 11pm on a school night... OOPS

i'm not sure when it became ok to have video games in my house... but not only are they here... they are starting to take over... that's gonna change

there is the possiblity that i may talk to the one that keeps me sane soon... to tell or not to tell... damn it...

U23D ~ GO SEE IT... if you even like one song they have ever sang you will enjoy it... if you consider yourself a fan... you'll be BLOWN. AWAY.


One Lyrics

i'm going again... this weekend even

so much to say...

but i'm gonna start with a very serious truth that i am strugglin' with today...

i truly have what's it called dysmorphia or something... yeah i could google it but sometimes i just like being you know how we were before the internet where we kind of knew what we were talkin' about... enough anyway so that the conversation could be had and that was always enough... shoot now does anyone really talk about anything real to anyone anymore... i warned ya' i got a lot on my mind...

anyway ~ you know that thing where you don't really see yourself as you are... in the mirror AND i'm not talkin' 'Man in the Mirror' kind of stuff... i mean... really ~ physically... 'cause well for any of my male friends that read this ~ i apologize in advance and you may want to stop reading here... but lately when i have PMS which lasts for about 10 days it seems... not that i'm bitchy or whatever... just well don't touch my chest... and for about five of those 10 days i swear the girls triple in size... and i am honestly in shock that my clothes fit me... and fit me easily even 'cause i feel HUGE and that's what I see in the mirror... now a few of you have seen the picture ~ seriously that is the girl i still see when i look at myself...

so the point here... i probably need more therapy or a labotamy (i don't care if that's not how you spell it...) 'cause it's really starting to just bother me too much... and i know i take good care of myself.... i work out ~ well hello I LOVE my Eliptical... nuff said... i could eat better... but ugh ~ i hate food...

k... i just had to get that out...

In the Land of Women...

great movie... well i enjoyed it anyway... and the reason i left... was so that my daughter would never say to someone ~

"i can't end up like her... she's cold and superficial... i mean she's obsessed with making her life look like a crate and barrell catalog... i don't understand how she doesn't scream every time she looks in a mirror" ~ Lucy

'cause i was headin' THERE... bullet dodged

so... i sat on my couch and watched a movie... might be the first time since i've lived here that i've done this... i typically sit on the coffee table... odd i realize but i can't explain it... it keeps me on my toes

Jordan has... Bronchitis... Toncilitis... Asthma... and Strep.... just YUK is all i have to say about that...

i heart my new dining room set... and my new tv ~ A LOT

i hired a housekeeper... and i am NOT ashamed of that... twice a month... and i get to play with my kids on the weekends i'm not workin' instead of trying to do it all ~ MUCH better plan

ok... that's all for now... OH WAIT... Adam Brody ~ my latest crush... *sigh*

'one man come in the name of love' ~ U2

so every year i re-read it... this year i found something even more special... but i ask you my friends... you know 'the' part but have you ever listened to or read the entire speech... it'll take your breath away....

and i give you the beauty of Mr. King... GOD rest his soul...


I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the "unalienable Rights" of "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds."

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice.

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.

We cannot turn back.

There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. *We cannot be satisfied as long as the negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their self-hood and robbed of their dignity by a sign stating: "For Whites Only."* We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until "justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream."

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. And some of you have come from areas where your quest -- quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive. Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."²

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,

From every mountainside, let freedom ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania. Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.But not only that Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia. Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee. Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!!"

and if that wasn't enough...



'... free at last
they took your life
they COULD NOT take your PRIDE...' ~ U2... Pride

Stay

by Sugarland... go watch the video on YouTube or their myspace... really listen to that song...



Sugarland Lyrics

so i had a NYE do-over...

and it was PERFECT.... well almost perfect

i love Love LOVE Bleu Edmondson Band as I've mentioned here a time or two... the setlist couldn't have been more perfect as they placed 'The Band Played On' which is a favorite and one i haven't heard a lot during the shows i've been to this year...

i'm in a quasi funk these days... which given everything is probably to be expected but i am starting to worry that i'm not gonna get that sparkle back that i was feeling a few weeks ago... i know its a time thing ~ it has to be a time thing...

i am fully entrenched in my new position at work... but the jury is out on how much i love it... i'm going to Atlanta next weekend and hoping to see a dear friend while there...

i still love my elliptical.... i still miss my bwj ~ not decided if i'm going to tell him about the recent events or not... although Jordan talks about it a lot so i guess i'm going to have to... i'm looking forward to Greenfest... Bleu and Drew that doesn't suk at all!!!

that's all i got for now... i'm sure i'll be more inspired soon...

Some Randomness...

* because some have asked ~ we are all physically ok... Jake slept through everything... Jordan is getting the help she'll need to sort out the ugliness... and well i went from numb to pissed off... now i'm just mildly irritated...

* text msgs at 2am make me smile

* bowling rox... especially when there are REALLY large screens projecting football games so that you can bowl, watch football and drink beer all at once ~ ok i put the beer down to actually bowl but you get my point ~ we had A BLAST and it was necessary!!!

* the elliptical is the BEST investment ever HANDS down... i LOVE it.. not only do i love it... but Jake ~ well safe to say at this rate he will be the most in shape seven year old around... and he takes it so seriously 'Mom... give me a minute i'm workin' out here!'

* while the new tv is pretty great... the fact that i was forced into is... takes away some of the shiny

* again i have THE BEST friends a person could ask for... it was a HARD week... but it's over

* Jordan believes Finger on the Trigger is the best song ever written... listening to it this mornin' ~ you know... i don't disagree with that today

Lord sometimes I wonder
if your even there
Cause my burden's backbreakin
it's more than I can bear ~ Brandon Jenkins

of course my faith is still strong... but there are those moments when i'm in the middle of the storm that for a brief moment i wonder if he blinked or something...

2008

You can patch holes in the walls… you can replace broken picture frames… you can buy new tvs… vacuums…. Clean up the shattered glass…

And you can do all of that in a very short amount of time…

The damage that you do to a young heart… and the trust that is broken… the respect that is lost… the confidence that is shattered… the nightmares that follow… FIXING ALL that… well it takes a lot more time… patience…understanding… strong arms to hug her… and LOVE

So the year has not started off with the kind of bang I had hoped for… but once again after pickin’ up the pieces… I’m still standing strong… and good LORD that is something.

‘Mama… mama….MAMA..’

...my son comes running in the kitchen of my dear friend Lisa’s house last night… with all kinds of urgency in his voice… ‘What… what… Jake WHAT is it?’

‘THIS is the BEST Christmas EVER’

and he goes running right back out on to whatever it was he had been doing after givin’ his ‘Aunt Lisa’ (he just started callin' her that) a hug on the way out…

we had an orphan Christmas dinner last night… a bunch of people that didn’t have a lot of family in town… we got together… good food… beer… a HILARIOUS White Elephant… it was the perfect evening

my kids were spoiled just enough to have ‘the best Christmas ever’ but not so much that the meaning of the day was missed… as evidenced when we were in the car on the way to Lisa’s ~ I’m giving the standard… mind your manners… you were allowed to bring selected items as long as YOU SHARE… say your sirs… m’ams… pleases… thank yous… etc ~ my son says ‘Of course mom… Christmas is all about kindness and friendship!’

so my daughter was bumped up into the BEST gift ever category when she presented me with a wax molding of her own little hand with her fingers making the PEACE sign… she went to Six Flags last month… with HER OWN money she paid to have that made for me and she’s kept it stashed away from me… GOOD STUFF right there…

there was of course a *hiccup* doesn’t even merit mentioning… but it was just enough to keep life in perspective…

a year ago...

i was sharing a room... with my son... in my parents attic... i had a job i enjoyed but it was going nowhere... and i actually was about over the restaurant BS... i loved my customers but the rest of it was just out of control... while i was about to move and i knew things were going to be better i had NO clue how really... i just knew that i was going to put all that i had in my car and get here... i had a roof over my head... i knew how i was going to pay for that and honestly... well i just knew i was resourceful enough that i would find a way to make it all work... i truly came to dallas with 'a dollar and a dime' and not much more than that except for A LOT of faith that this was the right thing and it would all take care of itself

seriously... i was just born to be here... i can't explain it in any other way... i had so much to move for already between the already established friendships and my love for a bunch of talented artists that make their living playing here... i knew that my quality of life would most surely improve without a doubt... and i'm so blessed for all the time that i have got to spend with the ones i love the most and all the amazing shows i've seen this year not to mention that i've got to share this with my children which just means more to me than i have words to express

ok.. so i had my office holiday party last night... now a year ago i didn't even know most of these people and now they feel like family because we spend so much time together and we love and take care of each other as such... again i have truly been blessed to be embraced by a group of people that genuinely celebrate me and i am sincerely excited to go to work each and everyday... well last night i was named Newcomer Employee of the Year ~ i don't even know what to say... i don't know that i have ever in my life felt so loved and blessed and i just truly was completely overwhelmed by it all...

i hope that the holiday season brings joy and blessings beyond your imagination to all of you that continue to hold my hand through this crazy life of ours... its been nice walkin' with y'all for awhile and not feelin' like your carrying me

love THIS...

THE WORLD 'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE!


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl
said:"NO!" (or said I'm done being married to you now...) And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched sports (ok football is the exception), never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

THE END


and a post script to my last entry ~ i got a STAR as an early Christmas gift... SEE that's exactly what I mean... now i'll never have to wish on anyone else's star... and it is the 2nd star to the right...

if you have to ask...

me what i want for Christmas or my birthday or whatever... you probably shouldn't be getting me anything ~ if you don't know me well enough to be able to find something that represents who i am to you... or makes you think 'Lori would love that' or i need Lori to have this 'cause she'll get it... well then really there is no need to buy me something just 'cause... i'm not a just 'cause kind of person... sorry if this offends anyone... i've been asked this a lot recently for well the obvious reason and it really just rubs me the wrong way

if i was making a list ~ well something like this would ABSOLUTELY be on it...



alright not all of that... but just the one on the 26th.... oh my HECK ~ MERRY CHRISTMAS to me... someday i'll write about my first show at the Sidecar with those two artists... i say it all the time ~ that night changed my life...

todays favorite ~ Desolation Angels by Reckless Kelly

'... and it’s bound to take its toll
out runnin’ wild and livin’ free
and i’ve done some growing up
but i never lost the child in me
we’re tossin’ dice at things
that might not ever be
all just to see what I can see, yea..'

i LOVE the heck out of THAT RIGHT THERE

for those that don't think...

there is foliage in Texas... well drive down Frankford between Hillcrest and Preston... oh my HECK... i slow down to about 10mph because GOD has set FIRE to the trees... the last two foliages in VT didn't have as much color... SERIOUSLY

Saturday night..

so what may be lost on anyone that regularly reads this but doesn't know me really well... this latest love of Reckless Kelly for me is something that so many told me for so long that i 'should' have... i can't even count how many times i've heard 'what do you mean you haven't listened... you would so love them' ~ and many tried... i guess before i just wasn't in the right place and in my defense... ish ~ when i first came upon what we call OKOM... it was all so completely new to me and there was SOOO much to hear and learn and LOVE

what was different this time... i have NO IDEA... but i guess i was just ready and what they have to sing is what i need to hear and then see...

so i don't remember the setlist in order at all 'cause well it's still all so very new and i'm still takin' it all in... i did get to hear EVERY song that i have come to know and love... which i've been told is truly lucky as some they don't do that often anymore

what i loved the most is their energy on stage ~ what makes me love a band live is if you can truly see that they love what they do... and they were totally having fun and just playin' and jammin' ~ non stop!!! for me at a show... i don't need any between song banter by the band... sure i love an acoustic show and the stories that are told in the environment... but just to chat too much at a show... well ok not to be rude but mostly my experience is that they aren't paid to be comedians for a reason ok... and while the inside band jokes may be fun for the band ~ if they have to have fun with each other on stage then the audience isn't giving them what they need in my opinion... if that makes any kind of sense at all

anyway... Reckless Kelly doesn't do that too much... they interact JUST enough with each other to be a band and feed the audience the sounds that we came to hear the most and it was just AWESOME

AND THEIR FANS... oh my HECK ~ i didn't get beer spilled on me once... i wasn't shoved or knocked by some rude drunk person... i haven't heard an audience sing so loud in a VERY long time ~ oh and to EVERY SONG... while there was a few of well ok... i'm not in my 20s anymore... i don't dress to impress anyone... so there were a few of those unlike me lol ~ mostly it was just people that were there to just see and hear their favorite band... not to be seen by anyone... i got to experience all of this with some of my favorite girls in the world and of course that always makes everything better...

i loved 1952 Vincent Black Lightening as much as i knew i would... their rendition of Run Run Rudolph was fun ~ oh and David i believe his name is AMAZING on the guitar... i think the crowd may have been louder than Willy for Wicked Twisted Road... Helter Skelter was a nice surprise and the reason i LOVE live shows the most the little gems like that they throw in... Break My Heart tonight is just a genius song i swear...

and *sigh* Vancouver...

'and now i'm packing it up and rolling on out for Vancouver...
for some wasted youth and fresh set of lonely stars
and i'm wondering baby, if you ever saw the best of us
and i wonder what you're doin'... and i wonder where you are...'

ok... glad i have this in my life

'cause someone asked June

if she was happy or just not unhappy... so it got me thinking.... how do i define happy.... while i agree with what most had to say to her ~ i'll add a few things for me here

~ i wake up most days before the alarm.... oh which is set at 5:45am... and am truly excited about the day ahead has in store

~ i experience more smiles and laughter throughout the day than i do frustration, anger and tears

~ i am told at least once a day by more than one individual that they love me... and i BELIEVE them

~ i have too many exciting things planned... for me a key to happiness is having something to look forward too... i've got Arizona... NYE... my parents actually coming to Texas in February.... the promise of a Spiderman visit in my world... Greenfest... BWJ's HOMECOMING... LJT's... Vegas... IDAHO.... and that's just the stuff that I know about!!! the last year for me has been full of spur of the moment fun that has been priceless

~ my health is vastly improved and i generally feel REALLY good everday

~ my house is my home

~ my bed is comfortable and everynight... i fall asleep with no tossing and turning for fear of what tomorrow brings but with a peace that i had only once hoped i would find

~ and the best part of all of this... it's all MINE... it's not at all based on what someone else thinks or feels about my life and my choices... and that for me is GINORMOUS... it's probably not even a word but you get what i'm saying


ok so i was planning on writing about *sigh* Reckless Kelly 'cause i finally saw them last night... review to come later

so i heard this song for the gazillionth time today...

'...and the less I seek my source for some definitive
the less I seek my source ~ the closer I am to fine' ~ Indigo Girls

whoa... k... like i said listened to this song A LOT... i just LOVE it... have for awhile now... really just 'GOT' it today...

this will be mine...

in five to ten business days...

i am SOO excited ~ i don't think i've ever invested in 'me' quite like this before

'Your life is an occasion... rise to it.' ~ Mr. Magorium

alright... i loved this movie... Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium ~ for about a million reasons ~ and yes... its basic maybe... cheesy i'm sure... but you know a little reminder each year of the most important gift you can receive during the upcoming Christmas season ~ the gift of belief... whether this joyous time of year renews your religious beliefs and reminds you of how amazing the love of our FATHER truly is... or if it's the belief in magic ~ you know the magic that you'll wake up one day and even though it seems impossible that ONE special thing that you dreamed of is actually yours (i believe that any day can hold the magic of Christmas... somedays that magic is needed more than on just 12/25)

so this weekend started with just a blah conversation ~ when should we sit my daughter down and tell her the 'truth' about Santa.... umm well in my opinion never... my view ~ she will hear soon enough that some tainted soul tried to spoil the magic for someone... and what i will do at that time is to reassure her belief in the magic of Santa ~ because well surely look at all we have... and she knows how hard that it gets for us from time to time... yet we still manage to get through ~ that magic comes from somewhere.... i'll explain to her that its more about the belief than the shiny packages... but the packages help to reinforce and she'll just have to see what the day brings 'cause well you know... something always shows up that wouldn't without anything less than a Santa miracle... and the final gentle reminder will be that of course what's most important is that we are celebrating the birth of our Lord at this precious time of year...

what makes me sad is that i know the one that initiated this conversation... never had anyone reassure them of the same when they were young... i forget how the line acutally went today... something like

'why do children forget what they once knew when they are grown-ups... aren't grown ups supposed to be smarter?'

brilliant... love that!!!

***Thanksgiving Post Script... i'm most Thankful this year for an email letting me know that the one i thought about the most during the Aggie game actually got to see the game...*****

it's my favorite holiday...

here's my list...

the things I'm thankful for this year...

Jordan
Jake
Kailey
Juno
Courage
Pat Green
Sparkling Water
Jocelyn
My Snuggle chair
My ipod
Patience
Auctions
Texas
Christian
Almonds
Drew Kennedy
myspace
Roadtrips
New Babies
Possibities
my Simon the Spiderman
Reckless Kelly

and finally i'm most thankful for my family... from the ones that share my blood... to the ones that share my soul this has just been a remarkable year for me ~ quite possibly the best ever... even with all the highs and lows... they were made better or easier because of my decision to make that leap of faith and just move

much love to you all...

i don't dance...

so if i tell you this makes me want to snap my fingers... stomp my feet.... and DANCE.... i mean it... and if you don't react the same... you may need to check your pulse... no offense... but seriously

ATM

ok... i swear i can't even make this stuff up... oh and what happens on the road.... stays on the road... AND in my blog...

so apparently.... according to this very beautiful... ummm lady... lol i should be america's next top model and well now someone at the office calls me ATM for short ~ now let's get serious ~ i don't know that i'm beautiful... or 'smokin' hot' as lb said... but i'm about a foot too short... ten years too old... and well quite frankly my feet are planted way to firmly on the ground but well... you could NOT convince her that she was wasting her time tryin' to teach me the runway walk ~ lol some funny shit right there i don't care who you are

ok... the short version

while i can in fact 'hang' ~ i really need to go to be bed earlier.... 'cause 217 properties on four hours sleep will kick my ass.... brad's new job is to ensure that if he's going to bed... so is lori ~ however our track record will show we are 1 for four in travelling together so i'm thinkin' i need a back up plan

apparently even lears have issues... ours was bigger than we knew but the exec bar at Million Air is SWEET and thank you Mr. Bradshaw for letting us borrow your plane... it's very Very nice

and the previously mentioned new best pal was waiting up for me... he's my favorite!!!

i work with so many people that i love playin' with too.... that's SUCH A GREAT THING...

i don't have a sleep number and quite frankly don't want one... kind of like sleepin' on a stack of cardboard for me... even on the softest setting

i'm the MOST tired i've ever been in my life but it's a really Really good tired

i'll leave you once again with the brilliance of my new favorites....

'write what you know and it just goes to show...
you gotta write your own destiny...' ~ Reckless Kelly

insert told you sos here...

'cause my new favorite right now.... that i can't get enough of....

...my first love was an angry, painful song
wanted one so bad I went and did everything wrong
the lesson in reality would come before too long
yeah my first love was an angry, painful song...' ~ Reckless Kelly

a bunch of random stuff

NYE ~ the current plans are perfect... it includes ~ two of my favorites artists... and i MEAN that when i type that... a cabin... most likely a fire... which means i'll have the makin' for smores... there will be BEER... 'cause i enjoy it... and good friends that make me happy

i am now someone's supervisor... and along with that i got a nice raise... i definetly like it here ~ in Texas that is... i knew i would... but if it's possible it's even BETTER than i hoped it would be... so i'm stayin' ~ lol like that was ever a question... i've decided to wait on the perfect house... this year while it's been awesome has been quite the balancing act at times... now that i've got my stride and breathe easy most days i'm going to allow myself a whole year of 'status quo' before shakin' things up again... there will be another beautiful... perfect house next year ~ they are everywhere around here... lol

yellow makes me feel beautiful ~ i mean i believe it... that i'm beautiful when it comes from yellow... (this is not a ploy for a bunch of 'of course your beautiful posts' those that would do that... i know you think i'm beautiful and i absolutely adore you all for that) but what i mean is.... from the inside and the out... no make up.... should be wearin' a ball cap... doesn't care and yellow still says i'm beautiful in a way that i JUST BELIEVE... that's a good thing... of course with me its complicated but you know what... for right now... i'm just going to sit in this place with this amazing feeling and not worry about all the junk

it's Thanksgiving next week... my favorite holiday... i'm not even kind of lookin' forward to it... that makes me sad... i have so much to be thankful for this year too... we'll see perhaps i'll be pleasantly surprised

ok... that's enough for tonight...

Peace... Love... Live Music ~ it'll feed your soul and set the world straight i promise!!!

I’ve said this before…

But I do believe that this time I’m sticking to it.

I’m D.O.N.E.

DUDE ~ you have one job… ONE job ~ kick the ball between the uprights… and I don’t want to hear about best ‘clutch’ kicker … 29 yards… that’s a freakin’ GIFT at the level you are currently playing… a clutch is anything over say 45 yards with almost no time on the clock… you make that you’re a hero… you miss it’s heartbreakin’ but still you can be forgiven ~ 29 yards ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME?!?!?!?!!

So what am I done with… I SUK at being a sports fan… seriously. I get way too upset… I yell not nice things… my heart rate increases to a level that may border on dangerous… and for what… really my life doesn’t change based on the outcome ~ oh wait I do hear from A LOT of people who REALLY love me when my Colts lose…lol

I’m really REALLY good at being a music fan… and you know what ~ even at the worst show I’ve ever been too… the stories to be told after still bring a smile to my face and make my heart happy… Christian summed it up perfectly this morning ‘Musicians hardly throw interceptions or miss 29 yard field goals.’

And along those lines… I got the question yesterday that for some reason I generally dread when asked ‘So how did you get to Texas from Vermont and California?’ ~ now typically when asked this question… I dodge it… I find a way to get out of answering… I only half answer the question… but you know at my son’s birthday party yesterday… I realized ~ mostly I don’t even care what anyone thinks about my decisions… so why the hell would I not proudly say ~ I moved here because I heard a cd one day that lead me to the BEST LIFE a girl could ask for… I defy anyone to meet my friends and know our stories and NOT be jealous because I have been taken care of , put back together and celebrated by the most loving, caring, generous group of people a person could ask for… and yes I follow my passion… ABSOLUTELY… and how lucky am I to have found it… I mean you’ve seen them… the ones who haven’t… the people you pass on the street or in the grocery store… they have forgotten how to smile… the spark has left their eye… their soul is starving… someone told them to grow up so they did thinkin’ that meant leaving all the fun behind and accepting the mundane… ~ i am fortunate to NOT be that person… so from now on… when someone asks… well it’s ONLY my favorite story to tell… hope they really want to hear it!

let me tell you...

i'm glad its Friday ~ and i'm not even that upset that i don't have much planned for this weekend... first off there will be much fun to be had next weekend as i was scolded for doing a jaegerbomb without my new best pal on Monday so apparently there will be one waiting in NCAL for me NEXT Friday night when i get off the plane... two in fact i've been warned...

last weekend was more fun than i would have imagined... i keep trying to blog about it... but see you write it down and it becomes a bit too real ~ so it needs to stay a story that we will giggle about because seriously... i NEVER behave like that...

in fact there were a few times when i was my own Jiminy Cricket... sitting on my shoulder sayin' what on EARTH has gotten into you ~ having said that... it's come to my attention that while most of the people in my life find me pretty responsible and i'm generally the good one in the group... well as with everything there is always that exception to the rule and i'm truly NOT that bad of influence... and we did follow the one rule... there were no drugs in the car!

well as much fun as the weekend was... i did get the call Sunday night ~ the 'see you later' that i've been dreading... five months is too long... and they don't need him as much as i do ~ especially since they have NO IDEA what they have... if they just let him talk to any one of those in charge over there... he'd convince them why what they are doing is wrong... he'd explain how to fix it... and they would have an action plan and it would be immediately implemented ~ trust me i've been there... if he can almost convince ME i'm a republican... he can in fact execute world Peace... anyway... there will be emails... and that will help me get through... and then he'll be HOME!!! and like he said 'Dallas... dammit... oh well Lori's in Dallas so now Dallas is better' ~ and you know he means that!!

after the festivities yesterday we now have a Jedi Force Action Light Sabre weilding.... Cowboy boot wearing... Optimus Prime keeping our world safe from the Decepticons... seriously ~ he'll make you believe too i promise...

i will spend this weekend nursing my beautiful Kailey back to health... i understand that part of the responsiblity of loving a pet is accepting that we will outlive them... i'm trying to get out of the realm where again i'm the exception to that rule...

so Jake is 7 today...

and this morning... i brought him breakfast in bed... and gave him the card that i got for him... and my little man looked up at me with his big beautiful brown eyes and there were tears...

'Jake.... honey why are you crying?'

'Happy tears mama... i'm just so glad you are my mother'


so we cried together... Happy tears