it's funny how people rewrite history...

to fit into the box they want to put it into... how they often forget exactly the role they played in a situation ~ perhaps even the catalyst to something that otherwise would never have happened... i wrote this blog...

http://wrkinonhappy.blogspot.com/2005/08/i-think-i-figured-it-out.html

almost two years ago ~ the reaction to it... changed the course of my life yet again ~ and the thing is most would read that and be thrilled for me... yeah not in this case...

yesterday i sat and read an email that was quite upsetting ~ so here is the thing... i'm tired of these kinds of situations ~ it is in my nature to forgive and forget... well ish... i don't ever forget... but i don't keep bringing it up at every opportunity and TRUST ME the opportunity has often presented itself...

my reality ~ i've spent the better part of the last five years trying to heal... trying to find a new way as the one that i was on previously just didn't work ~ did i try to make that work... yes... Yes... YES ~ there is a long list of things i over looked... apologies for the unforgiveable that i accepted... various compromies made that chipped away at my soul until it was almost unrecognizeable... needs that were met because it was going to make things better... yet nope that didn't work either

i'm not trying to sound like some kind of martyr here... but i was reminded yesterday by someone who was there through it all... that yes... in fact ~ what i believed to be true is in fact the way that it was

so after realizing that nothing more could be done... i stopped trying and said enough... decided to pick up the badly broken pieces of who i once was and tried to put them back together ~ i will admit that this process has been arduous at best ~ and i have made some mistakes in this process... and i have had to make some hard choices... and always thinking of two others in that decision making...

i really want to be done fighting... be done with anger... and just carry on... raise these two little people... and at the end of the day... rest my head on the pillow and just sleep ~ i don't live in my past ~ i have learned from it... and who i am today is a result of it... i know what i will tolerate and what i won't... and do i have the fight in me still ~ absolutely ~ and can i just say... if it needs to get messy... it will because this time i'd be fighting for more than me...