i figured something out the other day...

about why i'm constantly sitting here tryin' to write and just not able to...

i'm in a stage right now where i'm feelin' like i have so much more to learn... not that i've ever been the sort to be deluded enough to think i even come close to knowing it all... but i will say i had thought i had figured some stuff out... and well the proverbial rug... you know that thing that knocks you on your ass... and being older... a bit wiser... all that does is make you feel more confused when things do not go the way that you think they should... or maybe not exactly as you thought they were... so i've been reading... A LOT... blogs by those who are broken like me and finding their own way to put pieces back together... books about walking your path with strength and pride... anything and everything because really all we can do is help each other and i've found some lately that have been doing that for me... helpin' me remember how to keep my feet on the ground... one in front of the other... in and out... all that important stuff that when it gets painful ~ gets hard and sometimes finding a way around or through the pain that is different is helpful...

and yes i'm fine... well i'm happy... i definitely made the right choice... it's not about any of that... it's kind of an internal thing that i've lived with most of my life... and will probably never truly be rid of it... it's why i will continue to be a singleton and the one next to me in a rockin' chair when i'm 80ish.. won't be one that was a romantic love of my life... yet the one that told me once when tyin' my shoes was more than i could handle.... just wear flip flops...

you know in matters that don't much matter... i trust pretty easily... you need money... if i have it ~ it's yours... you need a ride... i'll take you... you need a car... borrow mine... you need something to eat ~ my fridge and my pantry is full... a place to sleep... my bed is yours... i'll snuggle with one of my babies... or my recliner works for me... i'll dog sit... house sit... whatever you need... if i can make it work ~ it's yours

until it comes to me ~ don't try to get in... it's closed officially forever now... 'cause this last go 'round... wasn't what i thought and the pain is in fact too great to bear so much like the wolf that would chew his own leg off... i'm also casting it away so as to be able to get back up and live again... not that i had stopped i just have been well enjoyin' the comforts of my own space... where the ones inside here... are pretty predictable and well for now legally required to be here ~ and i know ONE THING... and that is... they will never feel that i have forsaken them... 'cause some dream of degrees on the walls... medals around their necks... large bank accounts... pretty houses with white picket fences... my dream is that the two that i have brought into this life... will always know that i love them... and am available... and i will always let them know that i'm available... that there is no where ever that i would rather be than with them... probably to the point that they will ask me at some point not to come as they need the time for themselves... but that'll be ok ~ 'cause THAT will be the day... that i will sit back and know that i have in fact been a success...

so this was a bit scattered... will make NO sense to some... perfect sense to others... might upset some... but the thoughts are mine... and maybe now.. that they are here... they won't be so predominantly in my head and i can get some peace on the pillow again

i was watchin' Frankie and Johnny yesterday ~ i adore that movie... and she said something and the quote went something like this... 'why is it that when you are scarred they assume you were hurt as a girl... NO it's because i was hurt as a Woman' ~ something like that... yeah...

and i'm totally LOVIN' My Chemical Romance these days...

'... if you look in the mirror and don't like what you see....
you can find out first hand what it's like to be me
so gather 'round piggies and kiss this goodbye...
i encourage your smiles.... i expect you won't cry'