the thing about motherhood for me...

is that everyday with these amazing people is a blessing ~ i will whine about them... i will speak angrily about choices they make that frustrate me... i will be silent in frustrated contemplation about how do i help them see why things need to be this way... i smile because their wisdom is not jaded or guarded... we sing... we dance... we laugh... we argue... we talk ~ we are solid the three of us

my children saved my life ~ because when it came down to looking at the whole picture and makin' a decision about who i needed to be and the kind of role model i was being... i knew changes had to be made to be someone they could be proud of... someone that would demand their respect... someone they could trust and rely upon... during the hard stuff forever ~ deciding to be that person for them... put me back on the path of being who i truly am and breathed life back into a spirit that was almost gone

so what does all that mean ~ well for me given the fact that we've been extremely lucky in the last eleven years to not have too many trips to the dr for ear infections... no chicken pox... very few bouts of strep or toncillitis... between the two of them... i have more than enough fingers for the non well child dr visits we have had... and i do believe every single time i have had to take them in when they are sick... i hold them on my lap... with tears running down my face... in sheer terror of their mortality starin' at me ~ crazy i get that... and the tears are almost silent so they aren't frightened but it still shakes my core the waiting...

and today i sat with my boy on my lap... and i thought about the joy he brings to my life... and i have a few friends in my life right now that are about to understand that ~ and they are stronger than i have ever thought about being... so i know they will handle the fevers... the coughs... all the yuckies so much better than i do... that's why people get excited because until you have your own... there are just no real words to explain it... so when you know someone you care about is gonna 'get it' ~ the exuberance is OVERWHELMING

anyway... no real point other than... part of that lifesaving they did for me... leaves me at the end of days like today ~ alone with too many feelings... and that's why i have this mostly... for a place to put all that...