so the dust is settlin'...

but damn... at 4:11pm ~ my sister called to tell me that my grandmother was rushed to the hospital ~ she had lost consciousness at some point and where she was at in all that was unclear... the next five hours SUK'D A LOT... i'm not even gonna lie

so this woman... good Lord... to have her strength... we should all be so lucky...

the rest of this story is not for the feign of heart...

when my father (she's his mother) was sixteen... there was a tragic car wreck in which two fatalities occured... my grandmother was the driver... my father's father was one that was killed... my grandmother has never driven a car since that fateful night... i've always known that but fate stepped in when i was in high school... and i heard the complete story of that night... all that happened would have made most that i know... give up on any kind of happiness and just dislike life... not this woman however... not at all

she later found a man ~ the one i know as my grandfather ~ that has spent his life completely devoted to and loving this woman like we all hope to find one day... and her spunk... strength... spirit... faith... has never failed her

she taught me to love music... George Jones... Willie... Charley Pride... Conway Twitty... the ones by which i still measure all i listen to today... she hoped i'd dance... i prefer to sing... but in her living room we would move the coffee table and try ~ GOOD LORD would she try to get me to dance... i still do ~ dance that is... just in my own way... on the inside... where i don't embarrass myself... or with my babies... where i just don't care

just before i moved... i looked this woman in the eye ~ understand something about me... i doubt every person that tells me they love me... to the point it FRUSTRATES many... i have NEVER doubted her love... not for a second ever.. IN FACT... she knows all... she knows that i don't understand the most basic love you should never question... the ones i have ~ questions that is... i've always brought to my gram and her answers are Socratic... and perfect every time ~ anyway i looked her in the eye and said i 'need' to do this ~ for me to live my best life... i need to go ~ but if you want me to stay for you... if you need me to stay and be with you... i will

'Lori, i love you ~ i want you to be happy and know you understand that living life is most important... i will never be the one to hold you back and i will shine with pride in your happiness. i will miss you don't get me wrong i don't want you to go the selfish part of me will miss you and my great grandbabies but do what you need to ~ i always have.'

so realizing that she will be 80 this summer ~ i understand that i somehow have to come to terms with that which i can't even consider... i was a MESS this evening... A. MESS.

she is home now tucked safely away... her crazy freakin' dog bouncin' off her bed i'm sure... and i'll feel much more at ease after she gets a clean check from her own doctor on Monday... but i was truly spared a pain that i can NOT comprehend this evening...