Grace, Courage and Peace...

are the things that I want more than anything else. Someone asked me this morning what I want ~ pretty sure this wasn't the answer they were looking for. OH and I had said nothing... then admitted that was A HUGE lie ~ lol.

However, I don't want for anything. I am very fortunate in that respect. If we are talking material things, I've got too much stuff... YUK. If we are talking the important things ~ the things that truly matter at the end of it all. I'm blessed. I have two beautiful heathly children, I have seriously amazing friends, I am loved and even better LIKED.

But I do feel that if I am lacking anything, it is Grace, Courage and Peace. So that is what I strive for and maybe one day, I will truly not want for anything.

My lyrics today are from One Thing by Finger Eleven ~

It’s nothing I planned and not that I can
But you should be mine across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

'I think it pisses God off...

if you walk by the color purple in a field and don't notice it.' ~ LOVE that movie and that scene in particular. I realized today while walking by a ton of yellow flowers all over the place that I 'assign' colors to important things in my life and I wasn't even aware that I did it.

Mostly people... certain colors remind me of different people ~ Tina is red, it's her favorite color, she wears Red perfume and it just fits her personality. Jordan is blue, for her eyes and so many other things about her personality. Jake ~ orange, lol enough said right there. Most of the people that I love the most are green ~ sorry Gage, that's you too. Green is and always has been my favorite color... so it stands to reason that green would bring to mind those I love most.

My new smile is yellow. It was everywhere today and I needed it. So thank you....


My lyrics today are from Against the Wind by Bob Segar

Caught like a wildfire burning out of control
'til there was nothing left to burn
and nothing left to prove

A few things I believe in...

2nd star to the right and straight on 'til morning, kitchen tables, the magic of the lights and sounds of Las Vegas, my grandmother's love for me, the Force, there is a devil and it can be found in oreo cookies, Rob Thomas was given his gift to keep me sane, a smile will change the world, my children do have the ability to save me from myself, Beaches will always make me cry, Pat Green's music gave me a family, Danny & Jesse and Joc & Clay, My Cousin Vinny will always make me laugh, 18th Floor Balcony is the most beautiful song ever written and if I put my faith in God, keep putting one foot in front of the other, I will walk the path I am supposed to...

Lyrics today from You're So Real ~ Matchbox 20

I'm alright
Hope I can sleep for one night
If not to cool my insides
Maybe to calm my backside
Rain on me
I got a weakness in me
I think that weakness feeds me
I don't think you think you need me

It's like an itch...

that I can't scratch. This thing that happens to me occasionally ~ I couldn't explain it properly if I used every cliche out there. But it's like I'm being suffocated by my own skin. I've had it twice before as bad as I have it right now.

The first time I solved it by bungee jumping and the second time by skydiving. It is the need to push myself to the very extreme edge. To feel truly that I am not just walking the well beaten path but truly carving my own way through this adventure that has been laid before me. I have felt in a sort of pause mode lately well that is just unacceptable. So I need to figure this out and find something. Skydiving is going to be hard to top ~ although I think if I did it again with new scenery that I would be just as thrilled as the first time.

Or maybe it's more of a leap of faith that I need to take this time. That's what is so bothersome this time around. The first two times the answer was as clear as the feeling. This time around I'm not exactly sure what I need to fill this desire for more that I have. I'm sure it will come to me, and like always at just the strangest time.

On a sidenote, making people laugh or smile. It's the best thing for all involved. I think somewhere on our path to responsibility ~ cynicsm sneaks in to everyones world and just replaces that jubiliance that as children we exude carelessly. So my thought is just smile ~ it's free and feels really good!

My song today... Given to Fly ~ Pearl Jam

And he still gives his love, he just gives it away...
The love he recieves is the love that is saved
And sometimes is seen a strange spot in the sky
A human being that was given to fly
He's flying....oh high...wide
He's flying

The thing they don't warn you about...

is all the bullshit that comes with leaving the hill. The view may be better up close, or maybe not so much really. If you are too close to something you start to see it in pieces instead of the whole picture. Some may find it better, I even thought it was better for awhile. However, after today. I'm moving back up to the hill. I think I do in fact relate better with the people on the hill than the ones closer to everything.

My lyrics for today are from The Last Song by Elton John ~

Tonight we touched on the things that were never spoken
That kind of understanding sets me free

I have zero patience...

and I don't even care or want to work on that. I suck at waiting, when I want something... ummm NOW please. I understand all the reasons for why things are the way they are. Hell I've even made most of the 'rules' that are currently frustrating me. So, having said all that I think I decided today, to do something about my impatience, probably not in the best interest of anything for the long run. But I'm gonna be a looney person in the long run at this rate. So it'll be a little sanity saver and I'll beat myself up over it later.


Todays lyrics are from my favorite Prince song ~ Seven.... which also happens to be one of my favorite songs forever too...


There will be a new city with streets of gold
The young so educated they never grow old
And a, there will be no death 4 with every breath
The voice of many colors sings a song
That's so bold
Sing it while we watch them fall

All 7 and we'll watch them fall
They stand in the way of love
And we will smoke them all
With an intellect and a savoir-faire
No one in the whole universe
Will ever compare
I am yours now and u are mine
And together we'll love through
All space and time, so don't cry
One day all 7 will die

I embrace my dorkness.

I've said that before, a few times and I stand by it.

I felt that maybe I should have stifled a bit of me because I might have shared too much. I don't know that I have it in me to be any less me. Which I'm sure irritates the hell out of a lot of people. I'm not immature about life I don't think. I can mind my manners when necessary, but I just think if someone is going to call me a friend, well then your gonna get it all.

I'm mostly harmless ~ I just tend to be overly passionate about a few things. That may make me seem like a dork. But at least I'm aware ~ that has got to be worth something.

On a side note ~ I got a few unexpected phone calls this weekend. Thank you... I'll admit now, when I heard that you couldn't call until Sunday I was a bit sad. So thank you for the unexpected smiles. They are truly my favorite thing!

Lyrics today are from In Your Eyes ~ Peter Gabriel

Love, I don’t like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

Treasure your alone....

time 'cause you know once you move it's going to be gone.

That was the brilliant advice that I got today... the laughter came before he finished the sentance AND no I didn't buy it at all. But the point of trying to make me feel better brought a smile and for that I thank you my friend. But I'm pretty sure you could see my eyes roll through the phone even.

I'm am just LONELY ~ I'm blessed to have a circle of people that truly love and care about me so I'm never alone, not truly. Just my luck however the diameter of that circle is no less than 1500 miles and as much as 3000 sometimes. AND to make it even better, there is no solution. It doesn't matter where I choose to live, I will still spend a great deal of time missing vital people. So that is what goes through my head 95% of the time.

My song today... and one that I have loved forever ~ this line just plays over and over more than any other... is from Faithfully by Journey. I think that its typically related to romantic relationships, but it sooo works for most of my friendships as well...

Being apart ain't easy on this love affair
Two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy of rediscovering you
Oh girl..... you stand by me... I'm forever yours... faithfully

It's an early blog...

Hotel Rwanda ~ do more than watch it, pay attention and learn from it..

One is left with the horrible feeling now that war settles nothing; that to win a war is as disastrous as to lose one. ~ Agatha Christie

I miss my beach...

all the time but especially this week. I live not even a mile from the ocean and yet it's not the same. It never gets warm enough to actually go in ~ not for me anyway. But more than that I miss my 'family' there and our hangouts. One of my girls is going through a time right now and I so wish I could be there for her and help her find her way because it feels like she is lost.

OH and tomorrow is Saturday which is Karaoke at Gators ~ Tina and I OWN karaoke at Gators. We have more fun than anyone else that attempts to sing their way to stardom there. We know we aren't going to be discovered so we don't try as hard, we don't take ourselves seriously at all and we just have FUN!!! Then again Tina and I have fun cleaning the house with those magic erase sponges... we find humor together in potential court dates and truant officers and various other random life things that happen to us. We have been friends for 14 years ~ no one has been in my life for that long, no one could keep up with me and my shenanigans like she does. No one else knows EVERY little thing and yet... still loves me. (Not meaning to offend any of my friends that read this but trust me... there was some JUNK that went down in the first half of the friendship with her that most would walk away from.)

SO I wish that tonight, I was in the only house that ever truly felt like a home, kneeling down in front of the living room tv singing karaoke and drinking a beer or more with my girls 'cause I need that right now to feel like me and whole again if only for just a minute or two.

oh and what you are wondering would we sing... our karaoke song... What's Up by 4 Non Blondes

Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination....

You don't know...

that you are an amazing woman do you? ~ I had two different people say something like that to me today. Hell no I don't and I must have a few fooled. (okay just listen before y'all get too excited this is not a shamless plug for love....) First of all, amazing women in my book are those like Condaleeza Rice, Sandra O'Connor, Toni Morrison, and my friend Erin. They have overcome... well life just about and get up everday and do it all over again. My obstacles aren't nearly what the ones they face are and my goals are veggies in my kids and brushed teeth at bedtime. If I get those two things done, it's been a good day.

When my head hits the pillow every night, so many things run through it. Things that didn't get done, issues that I am honored to have been entrusted with and those that are mine that I haven't figured out or dealt with. So at the end of the day do I know I'm an amazing woman, not yet ~ I strive for that and I'm thrilled that some may see that. The day that my head rests gently on my pillow and the thoughts are those of content for those that I love most because they have found their way out of their darkness and peace for myself. Well friends... that is the day that I will find amazement in myself.


Okay so some more brilliance this week from a friend that should write a self help book. He was frustrated yesterday about a relationship that he is in and he said 'She needs to be saved and I can't be her savior. I need to be saved a bit myself. I want a relationship with someone who can save me when I need it and then back again.' That's it right there isn't it. To find the one that you have that balance with. That may just be the key and the most important thing above everything else. That's what I would want no question.

My song today was The Road I'm On by 3 Doors Down

Now you just keep drivin' tryin' to find out where you belong
I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone
That's the same road, that same road that I am on

Not feeling original at all...

so here we go ~

A - Age I got my first kiss: 13
B.- Band listening to right now: Dire Straits
C - Crush: your cans it makes more room in the recycle bin
D - Dad’s name: Michael
E - Easiest people to talk to: ok this list would be very long
F - Favorite singer at the moment: taking Pat and Justin out of this altogether ~ it's a tie Brandon Jones and Brandon Rhyder
G - Gummy worms or gummy bears: bears
H - Hometown: Whitingham, VT is where I was raised
I - Instruments: none
J - Junior high: Whitingham School (it was K-12)
K - Kids: Jordan (9) and Jake (4)
L - Last book you read: and finished Sam's Letters to Jennifer
M – Mom’s name: Lynn
N - Nicknames: none ~ well jesse calls me sunshine and a few use Loriloo from time to time
O - One wish: Peace... inner peace
P - Phobias: scaly things... snakes, lizards.. ew... you get the idea
Q - Quote: YOLO
R - Reason to smile: if you are reading this you are one of them
S - Song you sang last: Have I waited Too Long
T - Time you woke up today: 6:13am
U - Unknown fact about me: i can't sleep if it's quiet
V - Vegetable you hate:i don't think there is one
W - Worst habit: I worry tooo much
X - X-rays you’ve had: ankle and chest
Y - Yummy food: Corn tortillas with refried beans, zucchini and oranges
Z - Zodiac sign: Gemini

Got a dial from CCRW tonight and it's my favorite song of theirs ~ here is a little bit of it....

Lonely Girl

Tell me your troubles lonely girl
What have you gotten in
You're confused in your own world
You just want the day to go away
So you can start it all over again

Life ain't easy, I'm telling you what everybody said
Yeah, they beat that horse until it's dead
Open your window, open your heart, open your eyes to see
Everything around you girl, it's meant to be

Brownies for breakfast...

in bed even ~ just me and my girl. The smile was more than I could have hoped for. I got up early and put the number 9 candle in them, grabbed one of her gifts, tip toed in her room and softly sang Happy Birthday to wake her. We sat on her bed together ate brownies and she opened her first gift. She told me tonight this was her best birthday ever. Which is saying something because there wasn't a big party today at all ~ that's on Saturday ~ it was just a series of little things all day to make her feel special... mission accomplished.

Ok so as my child gets older well damn so do I ~ don't like how that works. In an attempt to recapture time gone by I dug up some music that I hadn't listened to in a while. I came across a song that I just adore and hadn't heard in forever. Today's lyrics are from that song Run Around by Blues Traveler and its for a friend who told me they weren't going to read my blog that way if I want to vent about them I can well that's just silly and I hope you change your mind 'cause this reminds me of us ~

And as we seek so shall we find
And when you're feeling open I'll still be here
But not without a certain degree of fear
Of what will be with you and me
I still can see things hopefully

It's crazy...

how certain days are just burned in your brain. I remember every second of April 18th 1996. I watched Braveheart... I can smell the grass that was being mowed... pansies and impatiens were planted... my grandmother hung up on me... finally I was told to put my shoes on we were going to the hospital.

I remember the car ride. The path we took, I could map out where I had to grip the door handle 'cause the pain had crept up again. I remember the nurse, she was awesome ~ and I forgot to thank her when it was all over and I never have seen her again. She changed my gown several times and dried the tears of frustration... mothered me into motherhood that's what she did.

I called my sister and my best girlfriend today. The two people that I have most depended on in this quest, that's the best word isn't it ~ it just gives it the proper trials and tribulations that parenthood entails. Not one of the three of us can believe that its been 9 years ~ I cried with Tina not with Jenn, she's pregnant ~ she and I will cry together in 9 years for her child.

Anyway every year this day is one of reminicing. It's like I feel my heart today more than I do any other day of the year. I think probably in a way, it's like my heart was truly born on this day 9 years ago.

Lyrics today are for my baby girl as corny as this may be it is soo simple and true from A Natural Woman by Carole King ~

Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for
Cause if I make you happy I don't need to do more...

I looked it up...

they aren't big... they are average. So I'm hoping that we can just stop talking about this now. THAT would just be lovely!


Lyrics for today ~ Always by Charlie Robison

Well hello again my angel
I'm glad your findly home
Thank God you got your senses
When I took leave of my own...

It's the other 355 days...

that really count ~ not the 10 that he upsets you. How brilliant is THAT? I was talking to a friend about how my BEST FRIEND (no quotation marks ~ random but purposeful) hurt me.

Basically the point is that relationships need to be based on the whole of what you receive from them. If there are 355 days with smiles and only 10 days of tears... it's a keeper and likewise the converse... if you are crying more often than laughing it's time to move on from that relationship. Seems simple but sometimes the simple things are the hardest to see I guess especially for someone like me who OVERTHINKS everything.

I was given a test of sorts last week. I have thought about it a lot since it was given to me. I had never seen it before or heard of it and it might just be old news to many people but it's a Love Test of sorts. Basically there are five expressions of love and you are to put them in order of importance 1 being most 5 being the least. I did this test and have been thinking about it all week. So my thought is this, I think we should all carry our preferences around kind of like business cards. You can hand them out to those you feel are going to be important in your life and not just in romantic relationships but in friendships heck my family could stand to read my list I think even. It would be so much easier in the long run for all involved for everyone to know how you best receive love. So for those that don't know it ~ I'll post them for you and yeah in my order even.

1. Acts of Service
2. Quality of Time
3. Gifts
4. Physical Contact
5. Words of Affection

Lyrics today are from Refuge by John Legend ~

You know and I know
Friends come and friends go
Storms rise and winds blow
But one thing I know for sure

When it's cold outside
There's no need to worry cuz
I'm so warm inside
You give me peace
When the storm's outside

we could sit and talk awhile...

that's the balance of the title of my blog for those that may read this and don't know. OH AND IF YOU DON'T you must must MUST know this song. It's BRILLIANT ~ well I think it is.

I got to hear it by the artist himself Bleu Edmondson. It was my first dial from a live show with his new band ~ very good, impressive I'm thrilled with the sound! And Little Bit Crazy or 'my song' which I have tagged it was just what it has always been for me.

I'm sunburned ~ which makes me very happy because it means that the 'tide has turned' and summer is in fact just about here. I'm tired because it was a long week... but I'm satisfied and will sleep amazingly well because I was 'held and loved' tonight by those that love me MOST!!! Thank you all for allowing me to be part of Bleu at Gruene tonight!

Lyrics for Today ~ Little Bit Crazy by Bleu Edmondson

I need a cigarette now
Nothing but old regrets now
Drama running through my veins
The pressure's blowing up my brain

She left me on a Monday
Kissed me and said someday
I should have gone to bed
I got drunk alone instead

If you asked me I would smile
We could sit and talk a while
There's just too much to hide
I got nothing left inside
I'm just a little bit crazy

Catch me cause I’m fallin’
Phone rings but no ones callin
There’s whiskey runnin’ down my chin
I sit around and I break into a mad mad grin

If you asked me I would smile
We could sit and talk a while
There's just too much to hide
I got nothing left inside
I'm just a little bit crazy

I need a cigarette... now.....

Something fun...

after a not so fun day...

10 Songs I Love
1. Carry On ~ Pat Green
2. Light on the Stage ~ Cory Morrow
3. Little Bit Crazy ~ Bleu Edmondson
4. Much Too Young ~ Garth Brooks
5. Quiet Mind ~ Blue October
6. Mr. Tanner ~ Harry Chapin
7. Empty Glass ~ Stoney Larue's version
8. One Piece at a Time ~ Brandon Rhyder
9. Somewhere Down in Texas ~ Jason Boland
10. What's This Life For ~ Creed

9 People That Make You Smile (9 is NOT enough)
1. My Kids
2. Gage
3. Christy
4. Renee
5. Joc
6. Jesse
7. Eric
8. Maureen
9. Meg

8 Things You Do Daily
1. shower
2. get on the computer
3. hug my kids
4. talk on the phone
5. feed my dog
6. Listen to music
7. sleep
8. eat

7 Things That Annoy You
1. lack of turn signal usage
2. the traffic light at Harbor and Seaward
3. gloomy days
4. TRAFFIC
5. remote controls
6. telemarketers
7. ignorance

6 Things You Are Looking Forward To
1. moving
2. Episode 3 on May 19th
3. Taking my kids to see Pat Green
4. SUMMER
5. fireworks
6. Grown Up Hugs

5 Things That You Are Scared Of
1. being alone
2. raising my kids
3. silence
4. disappointing those that care about me the most
5. losing those closest to me

4 People You Talk To Daily
1. Eric
2. Gage
3. Christy
4. Joc

3 Foods You Could Live Off Of
1. Oranges
2. Corn Tortilla w/Refried Beans
3. baby carrots

2 Unforgettable Memories
1. The births of my children
2. My first trip to Texas

Have you ever:
[x] been drunk.
[x] smoked pot.
[x] kissed a member of the opposite sex.
[x] rode in a taxi.
[ ] been dumped.
[ ] shoplifted.
[ ] been fired.
[x] had a job.
[ ] been in a fist fight.
[x] snuck out of your parent's house.
[ ] been arrested.
[ ] stole something from your job.
[ ] celebrated new years in times square.
[x] went on a blind date.
[x] smoked a cigarette.
[x] gone on an airplane by yourself
[ ] broken a bone.
[x] had sex in a car. (SHUSH ~ no comments)
[x] White lied to a friend.
[ ] had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans.
[x] been to europe.
[x] made out in a movie theatre.
[x] taken caffiene pills.
[x] been to disney land/world.
[x] had a crush on someone you hardly knew.
[x] been to california.
[ ] been skinny dipping.
[x] regretted something.
[x] peed on someones lawn.
[x] skipped school.
[x] thrown up from drinking.
[ ] lost your sibling.
[ ] been butt nekked bangin on the bathroom floor.
[ ] kissed a member of the same sex.
[x] been in a car accident.
[x] partied for days and days straight.
[x] had a family member die.
[x] played 'clue'.
[x] had a sleepover party. (does it count if you have a party and drunk people pass out there?)
[x] went ice skating.
[ ] dropped x.
[x] been cheated on.
[x] had a boyfriend.
[ ] had a sweet sixteen.
[ ] had a quinceanera.
[x] had a car.
[x] drove.

Do you...
[ ] have a bf.
[ ] have a gf.
[ ] have a crush.
[x] have a dog.
[ ] have a cat.
[x] have your own room.
[ ] listen to SLAYER!.
[ ] paint your nails.
[ ] play a sport.
[ ] play more than one sport.
[x] watch sports on tv.
[x] have a fav. group/singer/artist.
[x] have more than 1 best friend.
[ ] get good grades.
[ ] play an instrument.
[x] have slippers.
[x] wear boxers.
[x] wear black eyeliner.
[x] like the color blue.
[x] like the color yellow.
[ ] cyber.
[ ] claim. (has anyone figured out what this is?)
[x] like to read.
[ ] like to write.
[ ] have long hair.
[x] have short hair.
[x] have a cell phone.

Lyrics today New Way to Fly ~ Garth Brooks

A new way to fly
Far away from goodbye
Above the clouds and the rain
The memories and the pain
And the tears that they cry
Now the lesson's been learned
They've all crashed and burned
But they can leave it behind
If they could just find
A new way to fly

OKOM... is like air

Christy said I should add that to my GW sig ~ and for me it's true. To simply sustain my life I need three things everyday... air... water and my music. It's that vital. It keeps me focused, grounded, it brings peace to a tumultuous mind.

The worst day in the world can be turned around by a song for me. Okay maybe not turned around, but for a few minutes I can forget about it OR be reminded that even though at that moment all seems lost or unmanageable that the reality is ~ I'll get through whatever and be stronger for it.

The best days are amplified and have their own soundtrack. A song will bring the memory of the day back so vividly that I almost re-live it over again.

My moods can be instantly determined by the music coming from my player at any given time. My moods can be altered by the music that is coming from my player at any given time.

I was randomly looking for something and came upon this quote and pretty much Yeah... I can in fact wrap my mind around this possiblity as absurd as it may seem to some.


"You see, eventually your music will help put an end to war and poverty, it will align the planets and bring them into universal harmony, allowing meaningful contact with all forms of life."
--George Carlin (Rufus) in Bill 'n' Teds Excellent Adventure


Lyrics for today ~ Anyway by O.A.R

..something always comes from the music anyway
came into my life and it stole me blues away
oh, my stereo is my best friend every day
and this music is my blood

The birthday plans are in motion...

and she's gonna be 9. How is that possible... I'm still 16 she can't be 9 next week ~ but she is. My mind doesn't work like most ~ I think 9 is a HUGE milestone. We are halfway there. Halfway to her being an adult or at least in the legal terms. I'm terrified. The first 9 years went by so very quickly. We didn't get nearly as much done as I had hoped... I don't know if there is enough time left to fit all in that I want to share with her.

This year it's soccer balls, skateboards and guitars. Those are the things she loves most in this world. and Me. The heartbreaks of this last year definetly chipped away at her innocence a little sooner than I was ready for. She wants to be a songwriter so if you are looking for a positive I guess it's that the experiences will help add meat to what she writes.

Well here's hoping I don't screw up the next 9 years any more than I did the last 9.

Today's Song is directly related to as my friend Christy would say 'good news' today ~

Eclipse by Pink Floyd


All that you touch
All that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
All that you love
All that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
All that you give
All that you deal
All that you buy,
beg, borrow or steal.
All you create
All you destroy
All that you do
All that you say.
All that you eat
And everyone you meet
All that you slight
And everyone you fight.
All that is now
All that is gone
All that's to come
and everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon.

I like surprises...

not so much being surprised ~ but when something happens unexpected and makes you smile hard from the inside. That happened to me today. As with everything ~ I made a bit of a dork of myself because of it. The benefit of that is you never know who's watching and that may have made someone smile that needed it. The point... 'cause I have one. The little things ~ they are huge!!!

Lyrics for today... Set Your Soul Free by Monte Montgomery

Time is precious and so is the need
to take what you've been given and set your soul free
Set your soul free

I have been wrestling...

with a request of sorts that was made of me yesterday. I was asked to open up to the possiblity of falling in love with someone and accepting their love in return. I have known this person for over two and a half years. We just started really talking and getting to know each other about seven months ago. We have both been through similar heart breaks and are trying to figure out what is left when forever ends.

He's very kind and caring. His tone when asking for a chance was one of frustration because he has been trying to break down my wall for awhile now and it is just about impenetrable. I think he likes the idea of being smooth but that wasn't working. It was surprisingly nice to be asked and not have him just give up. I am actually surprised at the length of time that I have spent thinking about what this would mean for me. When I said never again, I believed that I don't have anything to give anyone else. I don't know that I do... but I'll say this it is nice that someone thinks I might.

So my lyrics today Crush by Dave Matthews Band ~

Lovely lady I will treat you sweetly
adore you I mean you crush me
and it's times like these when my faith I feel...

Make new friends...

but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold ~ my sister and I used to sing that in a 'round' when we were growing up. Well today was a tough day and both my silver and gold made sure that I made it through the day. I'm truly blessed with amazing friends!

My lyrics for today are from Brandon Rhyder... Freeze Frame Time...

'sometimes we laugh... sometimes we cry.... some days its hard to figure out our way in this life.. but its moments like this that make me wish I could freeze frame time...'

Spanglish

might just be my new favorite movie.

'But between odd and the same you've gotta be rooting for odd don't ya?'

How brilliant is that? I hope my babies always choose odd. I don't want them to go along with a crowd and not think for themselves. In fact it's been something that I've been conscience of from the first heart beat in utero even.... I didn't want 'stepford' children and well so far I think I've been successful. They are definetly vibrant individuals with their own thoughts and ideas ~ likes and dislikes ~ hopes and dreams... already at their young ages they have dreams which is fantastic.

So... lyrics for today along these lines... Innerglow by Blue October ~

'In a haze the beginning of your days gonna fall down gotta get back up but at your own pace
gotta fill your cup and find a way out of your own maze yeah boy, what you said now...'

Two years ago today...

I was on vacation in Vermont. My best girl friend and I were going for a ride, I get in her car and she says 'Oh let's listen to that cd I've been telling you about... you know that has the songs from CMT that we keep missing. I think you'll like it and I got you a copy if you do.'

So she pops it in... the guitar that now never fails to bring a smile in the worst of situations starts... and then 'Baby's just a little bit tired of the city... billboards and bullshit got her down...' ~ Carry On by Pat Green and the cd was Three Days. There are few moments in my life that I remember as vividly as that one. I had no idea even what it would bring into my life.

It was all I listened too for months. Every track just burned into my soul like no other album has done before. My friend that I would take on frequent roadtrips commented that never before had she gotten in my truck so many times and heard the same cd... what was going on? I couldn't explain it. Hell two years later I'm not sure that I can explain it even now. And I do still listen to that cd like I just heard it for the first time. If I'm in a funk... it'll bring me around back to happy again and in seconds even.

oh and fast forward 8 months from that day ~ I found a community of people who have embraced me and I mean ALL of me like no group I have been apart of before ever has. Not one day goes by anymore that I don't feel loved or special or important to someone (well someone over the age of 8) anyway.

So it may seem silly but I'll forget hearing it for the first time and I say a thank you everyday for all that day has now given me.

Lyrics today ~ Carry On by Pat Green and Walt Wilkins

...if you live your whole life up on a shelf, you got no one to blame but your own damn self ok all right, Heaven only knows what's gonna happen tonight, I'm Okay I'm alright ~ I'M OKAY.. I'M ALRIGHT OH CARRY ON...

I've lost my fight...

I'm sure it's because I'm tired. I have been fighting a really long hard battle what seems like well shoot I guess at my age 14 years is just short of half my life.

The thing is I was born with a fire in my belly and for so very long just try and get me to shut up if I believed in something. I fear that I have fallen prey to the cynics of the world. I haven't quite joined them just walking away for a change. I'm sure this is temporary. Maybe a much needed rest before a big one. It doesn't sit well with me so I think that must be a good sign.

Today's Song Stuck In a Stare by Waking Norman ~

I woke up this morning in a daze
Watching the star I want to be fade away
But I made my commitment
I stood up straight and tall
To a memory of what love is
And a marquee upon the wall

But who’s gonna make me pay first
A living soul of a dream that is my curse

I'm stuck in a stare
I know you don’t care
I only want to lift you up
With arms that just aren’t there
Will somebody snap me out of this
Place called in between
I find myself slipping more and more
In and out of reality

Do you ask yourself why you’re really here
Or is it easier to walk around in tears
Tell me do I make you happy
Are you where you’ve not to be
Did you walk that road to find me
Am I who I'm supposed to be

You say that you’re not strong enough to
Stay and play the game
And tonight my curse has come to take me
Away again

I'm stuck in a stare
I know you don’t care
I only want to lift you up
With arms that just aren’t there
Will somebody snap me out of this
Place called in between
I find myself slipping more and more
In and out of reality

You’ve resigned yourself to be who you are
And it just isn’t fair
If I can’t be who I'm meant to be
Then set me free...

Happy Birthday Pat Green!

Your music has been a source of comfort and happiness for me. It brought me to a family and made me part of something that I had dreamed of but never believed possible for myself.

Today's Lyrics are the grace and beauty of Mr. Walt Wilkins and are dedicated to Kayla ~ 4/23/96-4/4/05

...someone somewhere tonight just found their own wings, found some beauty, found some truth, found some meaning in spite of it all.

You ever have a day...

when you are just so full of joy you feel like you are gonna burst? The colors of the world are brighter, the air smells sweeter and you just can't stop smiling. A day when you know you can handle anything and everything that comes your way.

The flip side of those days being dark, sad, scary, lonely and you thank the Lord for flip flops 'cause you can not remember how to tie your shoes.

I want to find a way to take some of the joy from those great days and bank it for the really bad days. Not that I don't think highs and lows are important. They definetly have their purpose. I just want to balance them out a bit so that the lows aren't so low.

Todays Lyrics are from Everybody by Jack Ingram ~ In our darkest hour... may we all find our own way home

Date Night...

It's a Saturday night and I had a date. We sat on the couch ~ all three of us, ate taquitos, had some ice cream and watched Johnny Depp get slimed at the end of the Kid's Choice Awards. It's nights like tonight that erase all the difficult moments and questions about whether or not I'm doing right by them. It was the first time in a long time that my girl smiled a real ~ carefree smile.

I adore my children. We have so much fun together. There is so much I want to share with them and teach them that I am terrified everyday that my time with them is running out and I wouldn't have gotten everything in.

Today's Lyrics are from Tangled Up Puppet by Harry Chapin ~

And I'm a tangled up puppet all hanging in your strings
I'm a butterfly in a spider's web fluttering my wings

And the more that I keep dancing and spinning round in knots
The more I see what I used to be and the less of you I've got...

Joining the masses...

apparently everyone is now doing it. I don't have much to say and can't imagine that anyone will really read it but hey 'Follow the leader... he's a blogger'

So yesterday I was rid of a huge 'monkey on my back' that I should have dealt with a long time ago. A friendship that I once valued had turned into something not so healthy. I was not brave enough to do what was needed myself and perhaps the truest friend that I have ever had stood up for me like no one ever has before ~ Gage you are in fact my strength, Thank You just doesn't convey the gratitude that I feel.

I was supposed to be somewhere else today ~ in fact this whole upcoming weekend. I had to make a 'grown up' decision, which I hate. I have a habit of not always being the responsible '30 something' that I should be. Well I guess that is changing so that I will have a better life, a fuller life that is not so lonely. In making this choice, I have let down a friend that I love very much. I can only hope that she will understand, which she will because she is a true friend who wants me to find forever happiness and stop living in this state of limbo that I have been in for the last year or so.

After my children and close friends ~ Music is the most important thing in my life so I will end each entry with a lyric... sometimes my entire entry may be a song... one that I want people to hear... or one that fits my mood.

Song for today ~ Forever Young ~ written by Bob Dylan performed by Stoney LaRue ~ 'May God bless and keep you always, may your wishes all come true, may you always see the truth and the light surrounding you...'