you think you've grown up...

then you have a moment and realize... nope still a bratty seven year old who picks a fight with her best friend just before the end of the school year 'cause it's summer and you won't see her everyday so might just as well be mad 'cause in my twisted head ~ it'll be easier, you won't miss each other and the summer will go by faster 'til the moment when the first day of school you see each other and race for the seat next to each other because you just don't even remember what you argued about....

that's where i am right now ~ in this crazy head of mine that never stops ~48 hours from leaving the sterile sanctity of this place where I hide... going to the place I hide from... where I learned the hard way that sharing blood and life lines does not automatically translate to love and acceptance... 48 hours from going to what feels like even farther from where I want to be and terrified of being forgotten by those that i love the most and that taught me that i'm ok... i know it's all irrational but you know from the phone calls this week not so much really.

I don't know where I came from ~ I don't recognize any of me there at all in that place that I was born and raised ~ is it because I left and actually grew up and learned the important life lessons elsewhere?

all i really know for sure... is this is again a choice for my babies that is in their best interest ~ i'm gonna make the best of it but for myself i'm not happy about it... so if i'm being whiney and bratty ~ i'm seven right now and at seven i didn't love the summer....

Clay Pigeons ~ Blaze Foley

'I'm tired of running around looking for answers to questions that I already know
I could build me a castle of memories just to have somewhere to go
count the days and the nights that it takes to get back in the saddle again
feed the pigeons some clay turn night into day
start talkin again, when i know what to say...'

so thankful for the gift of that song today...

and as I was finishing this blog my meg called ~ said just what I needed to hear to feel not so alone, thank you for that my friend...