I just wanted to see a show...

granted like a pinnacle of sorts in my world... Pat Green IN Texas. I was gonna be home, alone, sad, missing my babies... what else did I have to do anyway. SURE I'm in... and with that decision... life as I once knew it has never been the same.

I remember the anticipation on the plane ride... my seat mate who has become a friend ~ thank the Lord for his patience 'cause I just didn't shut up at all. I remember my first glimpse of Austin from the air and just being blown away by the beauty. I remember trembling on the sidewalk, puffing away on a cigarette waiting for my ride to pick me up. I remember hugs... real ones that felt like they were holding me together and if they let go too soon... i would fall into a thousand pieces right there. I remember not a minute of awkward silence all weekend. I remember EVERYTHING....

That weekend I went to see a show and I found a life. A real one, where I can be me. So I've gone back a few times. I now have made friends ~ these people they define what it means to be a friend to someone. I am at my best when I am a reflection of the love that they give me. They get what I need from a friend and rise to the occasion because I have come to realize over the years and many failed attempts I perhaps expect too much from someone that calls me a friend. One even ventured to call me their best friend... a term I had abandoned because of being disappointed too many times in the past. Well no disappointments this time around. I haven't felt alone once and that for me is the biggest and BEST ever. Up until now, every relationship I have had, has been a disappointment. Mostly because I gave... and gave... and people took and took... and there wasn't much given back. I'm not proud of that at all or trying to toot my own horn, that was a very hard conclusion to come too.

SO ~ exhale... now I know its there, the 'brass ring' that I've heard about so often and even helped others reach for themselves. I never thought there was in fact one for me. There is and the fact that I want to reach for it makes me feel more selfish than I have ever felt before in my life. This is new for me, wanting something for me. Something this big and real. I've defended it so hard this past year, started to doubt the reality myself even, thinking I made it out to be more than it was. Could a place that accepted me ~ No apologies, few compromises of self, a family ~ UNCONDITIONAL LOVE ~ truly exist? Yes it does and I feel fortunate everyday to have found it.

I don't believe in regrets, but I know that if I can't find a way to make this work, something I've never had of my own before... a dream ~ I will regret that for the rest of my days. So for those that saw my light and encouraged it to shine...

It's Your Song ~ Performed by Garth Brooks... written by Benita Hill and Pam Wolfe

'Then you reached into my heart
and you found the melody
and if there ever was somebody
who made me believe in me...
it was you... it was you'