All American Rejects...

'...when all you got to keep is strong
move along... move along like i know you do
and even when your hope is gone
move along... move along just to make it through...'

i just LOVE that right now....

oh and this too

'...another day and you've had your fill of sinking
with the life held in your
hands are shaking cold
these hands are meant to hold...' ~

when the line is crossed...

and i don't have a lot of them... i'm not at all judgemental... i get that people have vices and issues and that we are all just a little bit crazy... as long as you aren't hurting me or anyone that i love... i'll give my opinion on certain behaviors but it won't cause me to change how i feel about someone because of choices they make for themselves...

having said all that ~ i have one... and it's pretty strict and i'm very sensitive about it and pretty much everyone that knows me well... knows about it ~ it's nothing complicated or even out of the ordinary... but it's more of a brick wall than a line even ~ that's how strongly i feel about it

so my question to those that love me and maybe those that don't even really know me... if such a line is breached... and breached by the one that claims to love you... how do you fix that... is there something that can be said or done to make it better 'cause see in my mind right now... it's there... and no apology or justification could take it away... it will always be there ~ and that hurts A LOT... so the floor is open 'cause i'm struggling a lot and any advice or words of wisdom are totally appreciated... thank you

Define Perfect...

that's what my lovely Sara said ~ ok... since you asked... Perfect to me... is at the end of the day... despite all the imperfections that get thrown at you... you are able to close your eyes with a smile on your face because it is what it is and most of it doesn't even matter in the big picture anyway... that to me is perfection

some words of advice...

if you are going to ask a hard question... be sure that you are truly prepared for the answer as it may be harder than you think...

'i don't want the world to see me
'cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am...' ~ Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls

Fireworks...

are my favorite thing ~ i just love them... i got to see some last night and it was pretty cool... we have a back fire exit and it's normally kept closed but we opened it as the fireworks started and the dining room could see the fireworks... PERFECTLY and as i stood there watching i was surprised at my emotions... i think i went through them all ~ and a large part of this is because i am absolutely exhausted... but also because i hadn't seen fireworks... not a real display i don't believe in two years... and the last time i saw them... was the best time ever and i can't imagine any ever comparing again...

Pat had just finished playing... they intro'd with Mr. Ray Charles singing God Bless America... then proceeded to play Mr. Stevie Ray Vaughn's Star Spangled Banner... i stood with June, Renee, Amy, Christie.... and we just let the tears come because it was well for me at least... absolutely perfect ~ and i'm quite certain that a Fourth of July will never be able to compare... i will have ones that will be special for their own reasons...

i hope none of your Fireworks this Fourth of July were duds!

i'm about to work a crazy schedule...

again but this is important because two years later... the love remains... the smiles are just as big... the memories still make me laugh... the bonds are stronger as we have been through some pretty intense challenges...

4th of July Weekend of 2004 will forever be the time that had the greatest impact on my life ever... i made friends that weekend that will walk with me through the rest of my life period... i have made friends because of that weekend that make me believe in me each and every day... i have felt real true love because of that weekend like i had never felt before

i remember so much... tears in Lainey's Jeep 'cause everyone was singin' along to my music... Randy callin' me out and playing my favorite RRB tune... sittin' poolside drinkin' beer and just laughing and getting to know my new friends... Django Walker hanging out in my hotel room (sorry Gage ;) )... finally hugging Danny and Jesse... my first Bleu Edmondson show ~ i was hooked immediately after that... talking the poor guys ear off in the seat next to me as we were flyin' into Austin 'cause i was so freakin' excited... drinkin' water on an empty stomach and the humilitating ramifications and the GENUINE LOVE that i was shown because of it... shakin' so very hard waiting at the airport for my ride that i'm surprised i didn't fall over... voicemails welcoming me to Texas...

and the people that i truly fell in love with that weekend... who show me each and every day that life is perfect... that i deserve to be happy and that i'm not as insane as the rest of the world may think... thank you and that's not enough but it'll have to do

as y'all celebrate this weekend... remember that one for a minute and have a beer or whatever with me... i love you all very much

it was so good...

and i just can't talk after Blue October shows... Stoney has the same affect and Walt does as well... it's as if they lovingly remove a very thin top layer of skin from my body... it's not painful as much as my senses are elevated to a level that is overwhelming... and i just need some time to desensitize that's all... oh and trying to listen to them right after the show... well that's like pouring alcohol on a wound... just not ready yet

i know i sound scary... i scare me ~ it's a healthy addiction the way i see it

it's pretty amazing... that emotion that Justin is able to convey over the tv even... Pat did it too ~ Grand Ole Opry performance i was a mess in my living room... and it was only a prelude 'cause i get two Blue October shows in July i don't have words...

just some random stuff...

64 people came in and kicked my butt last night... to which my son now wants to go to the Anchor and kick their butts... apparently 9 is the cut off age for when they have you fill out a survey as to what issues you would like to discuss with the doctor about your child ~ i think it should be older... 32 more wake ups until the Colts report to training camp ~ yay! i miss football a lot... Blue October will be on Jimmy Kimmel tonight ~ first Pat and now Blue October... that guy has some good taste in musical guests... remember about a year ago i posted about a customer who was just flat out ugly to me... then i ran into her at the grocery store ~ well she's back and she came in last night ~ we are now apparently best friends and she wants my kids and i to come over for cake and to visit... a guy thanked me last night for always smiling at him ~ Your Welcome... it's what i do... another one said i'm lucky he lives in Connecticut 'cause if he lived here i'd be in trouble ~ i think he meant that as a compliment... but really it doesn't do much for me... i've been in trouble it was not a lot of fun... i text'd a word to Jocelyn yesterday that i just never dreamed i would... ask her i'm sure she'd LOVE to tell you what it is ~ lol....

i witnessed just the most shocking...

conversation yesterday and it put me in a new place ~

Doctor ~ 'Have you started your period yet?'

Jordan ~ 'No, I'm only 10.'

Doctor ~ 'Well girls are starting as young as 9 these days and as old as 14 so it wouldn't be completely uncommon. Do you have a boyfriend?'


to which i blacked out and don't remember much else... although the answer was no ~ as well it better be... so basically for the first time i felt like a mom...


now i didn't even know that my daughter knew what that question would have meant... we haven't had the conversation yet ~ because it hasn't come up ~ i remember it being fifth grade when the permission slips go home and they separate boys and girls for the cheesy video ~ i was prepared to have the talk when we got the permission slips... life on its own deals you enough trials and tribulations no sense rushing any of them ~ which is not to say if she had asked i would have had it then but seriously... she carried on that exchange like it was not a big deal at all

and my daughter does in fact tell me everything ~ i came home to a note just a few weeks ago about something she had done while i was at work... it was bad... no one knew... she just has a conscience like mine and would not have been able to sleep unless she told me what she had done...

last year she got her first love note ~ she brought it right in 'Mom... we have to talk' ~ my child knows she can talk to me ~ PERIOD

oh which brings me to the other half of this appointment which bugged me... i got a lecture on making sure my child has a good support system around her as divorce and moving... separating from a parent can be difficult ~ thanks for that news flash ~ by the way you just got done telling me i have a phenomenal young girl who seems to have goals and dreams... is doing well in school and makes friends easily i should be proud... well not for nothing but how do you think she got there... k... thanks for listening i'll carry on now

Tickets...

specifically concert tickets... one of my favorite things and i got some in the mail today ~ Blue October tickets in fact and it just makes me smile really big to hold them in my hand ~ it's been ummm since September of last year since i have seen Blue October and it's time... way past time as a matter of fact

and we are taking a Blue Virgin with us ~ so that will be exciting watching him experience the show and being at the show ~ it's going to be a great day i just love shows... and summer... and dangit... LIFE IS GOOD!

my phone rang at 4:45am...

which is not uncommon in my world ~ however what was different was on the other end...

"Lori... i'm so mad at you."

"Your mad at me... did i call and wake your ass up at quarter 'til five?"

"No... but since you left (late Saturday night just to put this in context for y'all) all i've done is watch this DVD and listen to the CD that you made me... i even shut off the satellite music in the bar and made everyone listen to Blue October all night last night... i can NOT wait for this concert and I don't even like music what have you done to me?"

ok THAT makes me happy ~ Gage makes Blue October fans... he's REALLY good at it... me not so much... but i did and i can't wait for the Blue October show either it's been too long and in NYC no less... how great is that gonna be

so for my June...

'cause i care what she thinks... and this is important to me too ~ the best part of where i am today and the next step i'm about to take is this... he came to me and said you are so happy can i be a part of that... he doesn't make me happy ~ i make me happy and that is something that i didn't see coming my way but i'm glad it did

the bottom line is this... i define my happiness... i decide who gets to share in that... i make me happy ~ everything else is a bonus... life is perfect ~ PERIOD

really random... but important ~ i am addicted to MTV Realty Shows.... i thought i Pimp'd My Ride... i got nothing on Xhibit... The Hills.... love Love LOVE that show... and My Super Sweet 16 ~ proves that i'm a decent mom... my kids would NEVER AND... they will not peak at 16 i promise you that...

in other news...

*disclaimer* ~ please don't be upset if i haven't reached you to tell you personally... life is a little crazy busy right now... it's not because i love you less i promise

so life is about to change again for me and my two little gypsies... we are going to see if we can make North Carolina our home ~ at least for a little while... the positives outweigh the negatives many times over... so we will be packing up our truck and heading south on 87 in the middle of August ~ we want to be settled a bit before school starts

so this is exciting and terrifying all at the same time ~ but for the first time in a very long time... i feel like i've made a decision that is mine and what's truly best for me ~ i'm very grateful for all that has been done for me in the last year but walking that line between being a daughter and a parent every day ~ it has taken a toll on me and on my little ones i'm afraid... this will be good and we'll get back to being us ~ plus one even

i like an adventure... so here we go

'I went to the woods...'

'... because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, to discover that I had not lived.' ~ Henry David Thoreau

i have always loved that quote and you know i came to the woods by accident this time... but i have learned a lot here in this year of reflection and redemption

i've always lived knowing full well that we only get one shot ~ there are no do overs... there is no next time around... i have definetly been stumbling my way through for awhile trying to find my groove... trying to achieve a pace that felt comfortable ~ well i'm there ~ i've taken back my life and have started down a road where again i'm making my decisions based on what's best for me and the two souls i've been entrusted to mold ~ it feels so GOOD!

i'm sure i'll trip again... i walk into walls ~ even ones that have been in place for years... it's what i do ~ this time however the one by myside is more than willing to lend a hand back up again... it's brilliant 'cause i'm not expected to do it all alone and i don't want to anymore ~ sharing is nice ~ maybe all we need to know we truly did learn in kindergarten

a dear friend once said to me that it is in fact my rodeo and that i am allowed to hold my place in line and not defer to those around me constantly... ok well i'm doing that and i'm able to claim my place because i have a very solid wall of incredibly amazing friends behind me that are not allowing me to back down... thank you all so very much for that

is there some astrological phenomenon...

occuring... because apparently the planets are all perfectly aligned ~ life has taken quite the turn and the obstacles that i generally trip over daily seem to have been removed and we've had fair winds and calm waters during quite a little journey this week

and then as if all that wasn't enough ~ Gage... yes Gage is flying to visit me in a month... i know ~ i still am not sure i believe it and i have the actual itinerary from Orbitz in my hand

i hope that all i love are experiencing the same kind of peace and ease in their life...

BEB in NYC...

oh my lord ~ that is some HAPPY HAPPY NEWS ~ if you are anywhere near NYC on the 29th of June... Crash Mansion... Bleu Edmondson Band.... 'nuff said i'm so very VERY excited

And the Band Plays On ~ Bleu Edmondson Band

'...but don’t you know everybody’s got a story
might be a little better than yours
have you ever bled for the price of glory
then what the hell are you livin’ for
you sit and to listen to the music
but you don’t hear that song
this old world spins a little faster
and the band plays on...'

i wonder if some wounds...

go so deep that they never really heal... and kind of like your funny bone if they are hit just right ~ the excruciating pain overwhelms you all over again ~ or maybe i just thought that four years would be enough time and i've changed so much and grown so much... but i find that old ways of thinkin' aren't so far off and that frightens me because it causes me to withdraw and hide ~ which is just really bad not just for the situation but for me in general

my anxiety has been in high gear for the last four days and it just isn't comfortable and it's unneccessary ~ what will eventually happen is that i will end up pushing away the one person that doesn't want to be pushed away and in my head it's because he is better off and deserves someone who is whole... someone with a lot less baggage ~ if i love him truly shouldn't i want that for him

So it's June...

already... how exactly? the good news is what was once 11 months is now six ~ that's a huge bonus because i truly enjoy four it's more balanced and takes some of the weight off of me and redistributes it ~ the bad news is that starting today... my life kicks into high gear for the next three months and while i don't like to be bored at all ~ summer will go by so very fast and then we'll be cold again...

insert happy dance...

'cause Jocelyn will be here to play with us next week ~ and that makes me VERY VERY VERY happy!

i got a phone call...

from a show ~ i haven't had one of those in a very long time... and it was just the best ~ three of my dearest friends... and in the last three years i have learned the true meaning of that word ~ just called because a song is in their hearts and minds is 'Lori's Song' which is perfect because if a song reminds someone of me... i don't even care what song it is if music inspires a thought of me... that makes me very VERY happy ~ that wasn't even the best part of the call... because see one of the things i struggle with and will forever is that i want so much to not disappoint people and to do all i can always to make others happy... well i have been a bit burdened over the past fews months because i know that my direction changed and i worry a lot that because of that so many will feel that i've turned my back on them and that is just not the case

it's a difficult line that i walk trying to ensure that i am doing what is best not just for me but for the two lives that i've been entrusted with to mold... i have to always make sure that my choices are not just right for me but more importantly for them ~ so the best part of the phone call... was hearing that regardless of my decisions... i am loved and supported and will be for always

so the point... 'cause i have one ~ uncondtional love is a beautiful... perfect thing...