Thursday, June 28, 2007
6/28/2007
as of today this great state acknowledges that i am in fact a resident!! it's been over 10 years since i've been a resident of the place that i live... i've been a bit of a nomad over the last few years or so... i think it's safe to say ~ i'm home!
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
a blessed life...
that's what i have... and it all began when i felt as if it was over ~ i had found that the dream that i believed in was not real... and decided that to be the best me i could in spite of it... some changes needed to be made... and somewhere i found the strength that i needed to make them ~ in the course of that i found solace in song... not that unusual for me i have always found what i need in music ~ this time it put me on a path that lead me to more than i could have hoped for me... a second chance if you will ~ at a dream...
three years ago ~ in the midst of such great pain... i planned a getaway and made my first trip to Texas... and yes again this year as the anniversary approaches i am flooded with memories of how monumental that trip was for me in my life... the friendships that were solidified that weekend are true bonds of love AND believe me in the time since... those bonds have been tested and truly are unbreakable...
from the moment i stepped off the plane that weekend i had butterflies so big they shook my knees and made it close to impossible to stand and really i had no idea why i was so nervous...
that first night... i met people that i had been waiting to meet for so very long... and even was surprised by one that well i was let's just say less than thrilled to meet which today is just unthinkable that he would not be a part of my life...
so many moments are imbedded in my memory with crystal clarity... the drive to Nutty Brown... Wade on the radio ~ EVERYONE singing along... thank you my Laineyloo for that... that car ride gave back more to heal my soul than you will ever know... and there are a few that are blurred by the intense amount of love that overwhelmed me... when we first arrived at the Nutty Brown... i was hugged in the shortest amount of time by more people than i have ever been before... i was truly dizzy...
my first trip to El Arroyo with Amy (i miss her too much!) oh and still today i am at a loss for the fact that Christy did not run away after the drive there ;)... hangin' out by the pool getting to know each other all afternoon... Hill's Cafe... and a moment... it was nothing more than a look ~ but it was one that i believe... has bonded us forever ~ that dinner still it amazes me that any food was consumed amongst all the laughter... RRIH... Peter... Bleu... Danny... Jesse... again so many hugs from so many that were real and genuine...
the knock on my door the next morning... face to face finally with my junebug... truly my soul sister as so many things over the years since have proven... and then renee... i've never met anyone with a smile as bright and believe me the years since have proven what a truly amazing, inspiring friend she is and i am truly TRULY blessed to call her my friend...
i look at my life today and all that is now because of that weekend... the people that i depend on for sanity... i didn't actually meet Jocelyn until the second trip two weeks later.... Sidecar Pub... i've mentioned it a time or two... again another night that helped forge my future... Meg... that night in the Mexican restaurant... you'd NEVER have guessed it was our 'first' meeting...
in fact that's how it is with everyone because you all gave me the greatest gift... you accepted me for who i am and wanted to know.... ME... so i made it easy to share... and be real with you
so just thank you all... July of 2004 truly changed my life... you know what it started in March when Maureen flew to LA... there was something very special immediately between us... she and i have talked about it before and i've told her... it was almost like she gave me permission because of our similar circumstances and responsibilities...
there have been other incredible memories now because of that weekend... and true lifetime friendships that have been forged... my HayJay... another one that never makes me feel like i need to apologize for just being me.. Brandon who gets the way my head works ~ and sets things straight for me when i've made a huge mess unnecessarily...
and Gage... how do you thank the person that says to you when you are at your worst... 'Just get on the plane and let us take care of you..' so i did... and they DID ~ i can't ever repay that... how do you apologize to the one that you weren't ever going to hurt after you have just been horrid... well if you are lucky like i am you don't have to worry too much because they get the pain that you are in and are willing to help you through it... we have been through so much and still at the end of it all when the dust settles or the smoke clears... we are home for each other ~ PERIOD
it's been three years on the calendar... but a lifetime in so many other ways... i am grateful... i am loved... and i am truly blessed
three years ago ~ in the midst of such great pain... i planned a getaway and made my first trip to Texas... and yes again this year as the anniversary approaches i am flooded with memories of how monumental that trip was for me in my life... the friendships that were solidified that weekend are true bonds of love AND believe me in the time since... those bonds have been tested and truly are unbreakable...
from the moment i stepped off the plane that weekend i had butterflies so big they shook my knees and made it close to impossible to stand and really i had no idea why i was so nervous...
that first night... i met people that i had been waiting to meet for so very long... and even was surprised by one that well i was let's just say less than thrilled to meet which today is just unthinkable that he would not be a part of my life...
so many moments are imbedded in my memory with crystal clarity... the drive to Nutty Brown... Wade on the radio ~ EVERYONE singing along... thank you my Laineyloo for that... that car ride gave back more to heal my soul than you will ever know... and there are a few that are blurred by the intense amount of love that overwhelmed me... when we first arrived at the Nutty Brown... i was hugged in the shortest amount of time by more people than i have ever been before... i was truly dizzy...
my first trip to El Arroyo with Amy (i miss her too much!) oh and still today i am at a loss for the fact that Christy did not run away after the drive there ;)... hangin' out by the pool getting to know each other all afternoon... Hill's Cafe... and a moment... it was nothing more than a look ~ but it was one that i believe... has bonded us forever ~ that dinner still it amazes me that any food was consumed amongst all the laughter... RRIH... Peter... Bleu... Danny... Jesse... again so many hugs from so many that were real and genuine...
the knock on my door the next morning... face to face finally with my junebug... truly my soul sister as so many things over the years since have proven... and then renee... i've never met anyone with a smile as bright and believe me the years since have proven what a truly amazing, inspiring friend she is and i am truly TRULY blessed to call her my friend...
i look at my life today and all that is now because of that weekend... the people that i depend on for sanity... i didn't actually meet Jocelyn until the second trip two weeks later.... Sidecar Pub... i've mentioned it a time or two... again another night that helped forge my future... Meg... that night in the Mexican restaurant... you'd NEVER have guessed it was our 'first' meeting...
in fact that's how it is with everyone because you all gave me the greatest gift... you accepted me for who i am and wanted to know.... ME... so i made it easy to share... and be real with you
so just thank you all... July of 2004 truly changed my life... you know what it started in March when Maureen flew to LA... there was something very special immediately between us... she and i have talked about it before and i've told her... it was almost like she gave me permission because of our similar circumstances and responsibilities...
there have been other incredible memories now because of that weekend... and true lifetime friendships that have been forged... my HayJay... another one that never makes me feel like i need to apologize for just being me.. Brandon who gets the way my head works ~ and sets things straight for me when i've made a huge mess unnecessarily...
and Gage... how do you thank the person that says to you when you are at your worst... 'Just get on the plane and let us take care of you..' so i did... and they DID ~ i can't ever repay that... how do you apologize to the one that you weren't ever going to hurt after you have just been horrid... well if you are lucky like i am you don't have to worry too much because they get the pain that you are in and are willing to help you through it... we have been through so much and still at the end of it all when the dust settles or the smoke clears... we are home for each other ~ PERIOD
it's been three years on the calendar... but a lifetime in so many other ways... i am grateful... i am loved... and i am truly blessed
Thursday, June 07, 2007
it's funny how people rewrite history...
to fit into the box they want to put it into... how they often forget exactly the role they played in a situation ~ perhaps even the catalyst to something that otherwise would never have happened... i wrote this blog...
http://wrkinonhappy.blogspot.com/2005/08/i-think-i-figured-it-out.html
almost two years ago ~ the reaction to it... changed the course of my life yet again ~ and the thing is most would read that and be thrilled for me... yeah not in this case...
yesterday i sat and read an email that was quite upsetting ~ so here is the thing... i'm tired of these kinds of situations ~ it is in my nature to forgive and forget... well ish... i don't ever forget... but i don't keep bringing it up at every opportunity and TRUST ME the opportunity has often presented itself...
my reality ~ i've spent the better part of the last five years trying to heal... trying to find a new way as the one that i was on previously just didn't work ~ did i try to make that work... yes... Yes... YES ~ there is a long list of things i over looked... apologies for the unforgiveable that i accepted... various compromies made that chipped away at my soul until it was almost unrecognizeable... needs that were met because it was going to make things better... yet nope that didn't work either
i'm not trying to sound like some kind of martyr here... but i was reminded yesterday by someone who was there through it all... that yes... in fact ~ what i believed to be true is in fact the way that it was
so after realizing that nothing more could be done... i stopped trying and said enough... decided to pick up the badly broken pieces of who i once was and tried to put them back together ~ i will admit that this process has been arduous at best ~ and i have made some mistakes in this process... and i have had to make some hard choices... and always thinking of two others in that decision making...
i really want to be done fighting... be done with anger... and just carry on... raise these two little people... and at the end of the day... rest my head on the pillow and just sleep ~ i don't live in my past ~ i have learned from it... and who i am today is a result of it... i know what i will tolerate and what i won't... and do i have the fight in me still ~ absolutely ~ and can i just say... if it needs to get messy... it will because this time i'd be fighting for more than me...
http://wrkinonhappy.blogspot.com/2005/08/i-think-i-figured-it-out.html
almost two years ago ~ the reaction to it... changed the course of my life yet again ~ and the thing is most would read that and be thrilled for me... yeah not in this case...
yesterday i sat and read an email that was quite upsetting ~ so here is the thing... i'm tired of these kinds of situations ~ it is in my nature to forgive and forget... well ish... i don't ever forget... but i don't keep bringing it up at every opportunity and TRUST ME the opportunity has often presented itself...
my reality ~ i've spent the better part of the last five years trying to heal... trying to find a new way as the one that i was on previously just didn't work ~ did i try to make that work... yes... Yes... YES ~ there is a long list of things i over looked... apologies for the unforgiveable that i accepted... various compromies made that chipped away at my soul until it was almost unrecognizeable... needs that were met because it was going to make things better... yet nope that didn't work either
i'm not trying to sound like some kind of martyr here... but i was reminded yesterday by someone who was there through it all... that yes... in fact ~ what i believed to be true is in fact the way that it was
so after realizing that nothing more could be done... i stopped trying and said enough... decided to pick up the badly broken pieces of who i once was and tried to put them back together ~ i will admit that this process has been arduous at best ~ and i have made some mistakes in this process... and i have had to make some hard choices... and always thinking of two others in that decision making...
i really want to be done fighting... be done with anger... and just carry on... raise these two little people... and at the end of the day... rest my head on the pillow and just sleep ~ i don't live in my past ~ i have learned from it... and who i am today is a result of it... i know what i will tolerate and what i won't... and do i have the fight in me still ~ absolutely ~ and can i just say... if it needs to get messy... it will because this time i'd be fighting for more than me...
Sunday, June 03, 2007
despite various efforts to the contrary...
it was a PERFECT week... Adam Hood on sunday... Bleu Edmondson on wednesday... EYB and my STONEY on Saturday.... there was a fair share of drama on friday that i'm not willing to talk about yet... but regardless of how that turns out... you know i wear a bracelet 'YOLO' ~ you only live once ~ i'm living and LIVING WELL
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
as previously mentioned...
i gave up on medicine and science awhile ago 'cause i was tired of not feelin' like ME... well they tell me three weeks and i will be 100% better... well after week 1... i'm mostly a raving lunatic that i don't much recognize as me at all... so i'm breathing... and going for a 2nd opinion on Friday... but seriously... lookin' forward to that week 3 back to me feelin' because THIS is NOT gonna fly
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
hypothyroidism
apparently my thyroid stopped working... which is a big deal... and yeah... strange but a bunch of seemingly unrelated issues that i was either ignoring... or just dealing with... or treating it and it may not be the real problem...
so... yeah... weird
so... yeah... weird
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
it's one of those days...
that has reminded me exactly why... i have forever been in love with Peter Pan... and did not at all like Winnie the Pooh
no i haven't lost my mind...
no i haven't lost my mind...
Saturday, May 19, 2007
so i saw the vampires today...
not exactly a rational term... but my experiences are awful at best and i am not at all a fan... so nothing personal... but yeah... that's what i call them
and now the waiting... see what well pretty much no one that is currently in my life knows... about four years ago... wait... five... i had a big 'C' scare... and when it was over... and i got a clean bill of health i said i wouldn't go back ever
i believe that i'm healthy... i believe that until someone tells you your sick... your not sick... i know too many people who were fine until... and then because someone said so they were... no offense to anyone out there that truly subscribes to modern science and believes... i just happen to be one that it hasn't worked for and i choose to live my life as far away from it as i can... and when my time comes... then there you go...
the earliest memory i have... well it's probably tied... but the most vivid... is the dr holding me down... while one of them attempted a vein... AGAIN... ugh... them makin' my mother leave... not sure why i guess they thought she couldn't handle it... i'd knock 'em out to get to one of my kids in the state i was in that day before i'd leave the room... times have changed... i'm a different kind of parent than my mom... anyway... i was a really sick kid up until i was about 10... and then... the diagnosis... food allergies... and a bunch of odd ones at that ~ might this be why my eating habits are as HORRENDOUS as they are today... probably ~ among other things...
anyway so now i'll wait to hear back ~ knowing that all is fine... believing that my mind is greater than anything they can through at me... knowing that each day... we make anew what was once old therefore... shedding any potential disease with it... it is a visualization thing for me... and the important part is that i TRULY believe it... which is why i went in and this all started in the first place... a seven day headache that i truly could not make go away... so far... they haven't disproved my theories that well they haven't got a clue... it's the nature of science after all right...
anyway... so my anxiety is up because of it... and well i do this alone... 'cause it's not fair to anyone else... i'm sure they will come back with something related to a) my age or b) my gender... 'cause well that's typical... and i'll eat more soy.. drink more water... walk more... sleep more... it'll be fine... but today... yeah... too many memories... that could potentially interfere so needed to get rid of them...
and now the waiting... see what well pretty much no one that is currently in my life knows... about four years ago... wait... five... i had a big 'C' scare... and when it was over... and i got a clean bill of health i said i wouldn't go back ever
i believe that i'm healthy... i believe that until someone tells you your sick... your not sick... i know too many people who were fine until... and then because someone said so they were... no offense to anyone out there that truly subscribes to modern science and believes... i just happen to be one that it hasn't worked for and i choose to live my life as far away from it as i can... and when my time comes... then there you go...
the earliest memory i have... well it's probably tied... but the most vivid... is the dr holding me down... while one of them attempted a vein... AGAIN... ugh... them makin' my mother leave... not sure why i guess they thought she couldn't handle it... i'd knock 'em out to get to one of my kids in the state i was in that day before i'd leave the room... times have changed... i'm a different kind of parent than my mom... anyway... i was a really sick kid up until i was about 10... and then... the diagnosis... food allergies... and a bunch of odd ones at that ~ might this be why my eating habits are as HORRENDOUS as they are today... probably ~ among other things...
anyway so now i'll wait to hear back ~ knowing that all is fine... believing that my mind is greater than anything they can through at me... knowing that each day... we make anew what was once old therefore... shedding any potential disease with it... it is a visualization thing for me... and the important part is that i TRULY believe it... which is why i went in and this all started in the first place... a seven day headache that i truly could not make go away... so far... they haven't disproved my theories that well they haven't got a clue... it's the nature of science after all right...
anyway... so my anxiety is up because of it... and well i do this alone... 'cause it's not fair to anyone else... i'm sure they will come back with something related to a) my age or b) my gender... 'cause well that's typical... and i'll eat more soy.. drink more water... walk more... sleep more... it'll be fine... but today... yeah... too many memories... that could potentially interfere so needed to get rid of them...
Friday, May 18, 2007
what do you do with THIS...
my son just said... before when i was old and lived in heaven ~ and it was nice there... when i got to pick to come back down and be in your tummy that was a good thing... i don't want to grow old and die again
yeah... just when you think you are prepared for anything... i think i'd rather go back to dealin' with jordan askin' if she can start dating... THAT i can handle
yeah... just when you think you are prepared for anything... i think i'd rather go back to dealin' with jordan askin' if she can start dating... THAT i can handle
Sunday, May 13, 2007
so i've mentioned that i'm reading...
today's life's lessons... 'the attitude is gratitude' ~ yes AMEN ~ i am grateful and if i haven't said thank you lately... well i've been remiss...
THANK YOU!! and if you are reading this... you know for what...
'...thank you for your time' ~ Adam Hood... Coffee Song... so much about that line... works for me... my second love language for example is time... and well yeah ~ that pretty much sums up how i feel about everything these days... life is truly made up of moments... anyway ~ i'm blessed and i know it... so just Thank You...
"Whatsoever you shall ask in prayer, believing, you shall receive." ~ Matthew 21:22
"What things so ever you desire, when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you shall have them." ~ Mark 11:24
ok ~ i realized something else... i talk to myself... but really i don't ~ see mostly i am doing out loud... what so many do privately... and to themselves just because it's what works for me... and does it make me look crazy ~ probably... but i don't even care 'cause i feel good... an open dialog for me has truly been better than any drug they prescribed... any couch session i ever had... you know i haven't found that particular building where many gather on Sundays and holidays to celebrate... worship... fellowship... like such a large portion of the population has... well at the risk of sounding blasphemous ~ there have been two occasions... at a little pub in Houston that is no longer in business... where i have truly felt closer to HIM than i have anywhere ever in my life before or since ~ so my point... i just carry it with me... and hold sermons of my own as needed... and find my answers on the wind... and from a variety of teachers... who all seem to agree ~ Truly
'All that we are is a result of what we have thought.' ~ Buddha
THANK YOU!! and if you are reading this... you know for what...
'...thank you for your time' ~ Adam Hood... Coffee Song... so much about that line... works for me... my second love language for example is time... and well yeah ~ that pretty much sums up how i feel about everything these days... life is truly made up of moments... anyway ~ i'm blessed and i know it... so just Thank You...
"Whatsoever you shall ask in prayer, believing, you shall receive." ~ Matthew 21:22
"What things so ever you desire, when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you shall have them." ~ Mark 11:24
ok ~ i realized something else... i talk to myself... but really i don't ~ see mostly i am doing out loud... what so many do privately... and to themselves just because it's what works for me... and does it make me look crazy ~ probably... but i don't even care 'cause i feel good... an open dialog for me has truly been better than any drug they prescribed... any couch session i ever had... you know i haven't found that particular building where many gather on Sundays and holidays to celebrate... worship... fellowship... like such a large portion of the population has... well at the risk of sounding blasphemous ~ there have been two occasions... at a little pub in Houston that is no longer in business... where i have truly felt closer to HIM than i have anywhere ever in my life before or since ~ so my point... i just carry it with me... and hold sermons of my own as needed... and find my answers on the wind... and from a variety of teachers... who all seem to agree ~ Truly
'All that we are is a result of what we have thought.' ~ Buddha
Sunday, May 06, 2007
i figured something out the other day...
about why i'm constantly sitting here tryin' to write and just not able to...
i'm in a stage right now where i'm feelin' like i have so much more to learn... not that i've ever been the sort to be deluded enough to think i even come close to knowing it all... but i will say i had thought i had figured some stuff out... and well the proverbial rug... you know that thing that knocks you on your ass... and being older... a bit wiser... all that does is make you feel more confused when things do not go the way that you think they should... or maybe not exactly as you thought they were... so i've been reading... A LOT... blogs by those who are broken like me and finding their own way to put pieces back together... books about walking your path with strength and pride... anything and everything because really all we can do is help each other and i've found some lately that have been doing that for me... helpin' me remember how to keep my feet on the ground... one in front of the other... in and out... all that important stuff that when it gets painful ~ gets hard and sometimes finding a way around or through the pain that is different is helpful...
and yes i'm fine... well i'm happy... i definitely made the right choice... it's not about any of that... it's kind of an internal thing that i've lived with most of my life... and will probably never truly be rid of it... it's why i will continue to be a singleton and the one next to me in a rockin' chair when i'm 80ish.. won't be one that was a romantic love of my life... yet the one that told me once when tyin' my shoes was more than i could handle.... just wear flip flops...
you know in matters that don't much matter... i trust pretty easily... you need money... if i have it ~ it's yours... you need a ride... i'll take you... you need a car... borrow mine... you need something to eat ~ my fridge and my pantry is full... a place to sleep... my bed is yours... i'll snuggle with one of my babies... or my recliner works for me... i'll dog sit... house sit... whatever you need... if i can make it work ~ it's yours
until it comes to me ~ don't try to get in... it's closed officially forever now... 'cause this last go 'round... wasn't what i thought and the pain is in fact too great to bear so much like the wolf that would chew his own leg off... i'm also casting it away so as to be able to get back up and live again... not that i had stopped i just have been well enjoyin' the comforts of my own space... where the ones inside here... are pretty predictable and well for now legally required to be here ~ and i know ONE THING... and that is... they will never feel that i have forsaken them... 'cause some dream of degrees on the walls... medals around their necks... large bank accounts... pretty houses with white picket fences... my dream is that the two that i have brought into this life... will always know that i love them... and am available... and i will always let them know that i'm available... that there is no where ever that i would rather be than with them... probably to the point that they will ask me at some point not to come as they need the time for themselves... but that'll be ok ~ 'cause THAT will be the day... that i will sit back and know that i have in fact been a success...
so this was a bit scattered... will make NO sense to some... perfect sense to others... might upset some... but the thoughts are mine... and maybe now.. that they are here... they won't be so predominantly in my head and i can get some peace on the pillow again
i was watchin' Frankie and Johnny yesterday ~ i adore that movie... and she said something and the quote went something like this... 'why is it that when you are scarred they assume you were hurt as a girl... NO it's because i was hurt as a Woman' ~ something like that... yeah...
and i'm totally LOVIN' My Chemical Romance these days...
'... if you look in the mirror and don't like what you see....
you can find out first hand what it's like to be me
so gather 'round piggies and kiss this goodbye...
i encourage your smiles.... i expect you won't cry'
i'm in a stage right now where i'm feelin' like i have so much more to learn... not that i've ever been the sort to be deluded enough to think i even come close to knowing it all... but i will say i had thought i had figured some stuff out... and well the proverbial rug... you know that thing that knocks you on your ass... and being older... a bit wiser... all that does is make you feel more confused when things do not go the way that you think they should... or maybe not exactly as you thought they were... so i've been reading... A LOT... blogs by those who are broken like me and finding their own way to put pieces back together... books about walking your path with strength and pride... anything and everything because really all we can do is help each other and i've found some lately that have been doing that for me... helpin' me remember how to keep my feet on the ground... one in front of the other... in and out... all that important stuff that when it gets painful ~ gets hard and sometimes finding a way around or through the pain that is different is helpful...
and yes i'm fine... well i'm happy... i definitely made the right choice... it's not about any of that... it's kind of an internal thing that i've lived with most of my life... and will probably never truly be rid of it... it's why i will continue to be a singleton and the one next to me in a rockin' chair when i'm 80ish.. won't be one that was a romantic love of my life... yet the one that told me once when tyin' my shoes was more than i could handle.... just wear flip flops...
you know in matters that don't much matter... i trust pretty easily... you need money... if i have it ~ it's yours... you need a ride... i'll take you... you need a car... borrow mine... you need something to eat ~ my fridge and my pantry is full... a place to sleep... my bed is yours... i'll snuggle with one of my babies... or my recliner works for me... i'll dog sit... house sit... whatever you need... if i can make it work ~ it's yours
until it comes to me ~ don't try to get in... it's closed officially forever now... 'cause this last go 'round... wasn't what i thought and the pain is in fact too great to bear so much like the wolf that would chew his own leg off... i'm also casting it away so as to be able to get back up and live again... not that i had stopped i just have been well enjoyin' the comforts of my own space... where the ones inside here... are pretty predictable and well for now legally required to be here ~ and i know ONE THING... and that is... they will never feel that i have forsaken them... 'cause some dream of degrees on the walls... medals around their necks... large bank accounts... pretty houses with white picket fences... my dream is that the two that i have brought into this life... will always know that i love them... and am available... and i will always let them know that i'm available... that there is no where ever that i would rather be than with them... probably to the point that they will ask me at some point not to come as they need the time for themselves... but that'll be ok ~ 'cause THAT will be the day... that i will sit back and know that i have in fact been a success...
so this was a bit scattered... will make NO sense to some... perfect sense to others... might upset some... but the thoughts are mine... and maybe now.. that they are here... they won't be so predominantly in my head and i can get some peace on the pillow again
i was watchin' Frankie and Johnny yesterday ~ i adore that movie... and she said something and the quote went something like this... 'why is it that when you are scarred they assume you were hurt as a girl... NO it's because i was hurt as a Woman' ~ something like that... yeah...
and i'm totally LOVIN' My Chemical Romance these days...
'... if you look in the mirror and don't like what you see....
you can find out first hand what it's like to be me
so gather 'round piggies and kiss this goodbye...
i encourage your smiles.... i expect you won't cry'
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
it's probably a good thing...
i moved to Texas when i did... 'cause otherwise i'd be movin' to the Happi Inn ~ next door to Taquita and Kaui... and hangin' with Rita 'cause i love Love LOVE these three girls...
i think MTV should follow joc and i around... it'd be like Taquita and Kaui meet Thelma and Louise!
i think MTV should follow joc and i around... it'd be like Taquita and Kaui meet Thelma and Louise!
Monday, April 23, 2007
it's a practice...
of mine to not say anything ~ when i have nothing nice to say... i call it hiding on occasion... these days are better than most 'cause i don't completely clam up... but i have found that when i'm hurting... to heal... it's really best for me to just be in my head... sort it out... and well get a puppy...
that's my Juno... and the beautiful thing... she loves me... and she just wants to love me... and she snuggles... like the best snuggler ever... while new people are exciting... not so much that she isn't still happiest when she sees me... she listens to me... she loves makin' me happy... we have a few bumps in the road... no question... for example she needs to understand that she will be close to 150lbs... so walking over the back of the recliner is NOT going to be a good idea... so anyway... my Kailey is still the most perfect dog ever... and still loves me THE most... after 10 years STILL... so here's to adding TO the love... oh tonight... they were both drinkin' out of the same bowl... it was the cutest thing ever...
i'm almost through my little phase... and they BOTH help... i'll be back to regular blogs... with all kinds of stuff... but for now... it's just truly all best kept where it is... well except for all THAT 'cause if you read it... there was actually a lot there!!!
that's my Juno... and the beautiful thing... she loves me... and she just wants to love me... and she snuggles... like the best snuggler ever... while new people are exciting... not so much that she isn't still happiest when she sees me... she listens to me... she loves makin' me happy... we have a few bumps in the road... no question... for example she needs to understand that she will be close to 150lbs... so walking over the back of the recliner is NOT going to be a good idea... so anyway... my Kailey is still the most perfect dog ever... and still loves me THE most... after 10 years STILL... so here's to adding TO the love... oh tonight... they were both drinkin' out of the same bowl... it was the cutest thing ever...
i'm almost through my little phase... and they BOTH help... i'll be back to regular blogs... with all kinds of stuff... but for now... it's just truly all best kept where it is... well except for all THAT 'cause if you read it... there was actually a lot there!!!
Thursday, April 19, 2007
i'm supposed to update this...
and i will soon... just everything i have to say... right now... ok... i will say this ~ i think one of the reasons there are supposed to be two parents is so that on days like today ~ when the fact that it's been eleven amazing years... you don't look around and feel so alone in all the emotion that comes along with that 'cause it's OVERWHELMING me this year... again ~ as it does every year...
she is beautiful... she is intelligent... she is stubborn... she is truly an individual... she is kind... she is loving... and today she is 11!
she is beautiful... she is intelligent... she is stubborn... she is truly an individual... she is kind... she is loving... and today she is 11!
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
'mama... Morgan La Fay...'
'she's the hottest... most beautiful EVER... well she is kinda old... but still...' ~ Jake my six year old regarding the Medieval Witch that his latest book craze The Magic Tree House series is written about... her treehouse... her library full of stories that she collected while travelling for time ~ for those that don't know... anyway... it was hilarious
Monday, April 09, 2007
My new favorite movie…
and much like Spanglish ~ when i fell in love with that movie… i picked it up ‘cause i needed some fluff in my life and figured i could stare blankly at the movie… not have to think too much… if i’m lucky i’ll giggle occasionally but it would very much balance out the other flick that i rented that is much more the kind that I LOVE… which was also amazing Children of Men… see it SOOO very good ~ terrifying ~ but good
Anyway ~ yeah i was wrong… Jack Black proved to be endearin’ in much the same way that Adam did in Spanglish not typically two actors that make flicks i have to see… Kate Winslet is always lovely ~ when she isn’t flyin’ off the front of a ship… sorry for you Titanic lovers not a fan… and Cameron Diaz was not over the top funny but just enough with the right mix of angst to make you not hate her for claiming to have issues with men… lol
i sat and watched this movie… in utter amazement ~ they took four very different but distinct aspects of my personality and ‘characterized’ them in each of the main player ~ oh yeah forgot Jude Law is pretty amazing in it as well as a single dad with two small children who well just feels like the package deal he has to offer is probably more than anyone would really want to be a part of…
i’m sure those that know me really well will TOTALLY see what i’m talkin’ about ~ regardless… i don’t much watch ‘chick flicks’ ~ i like suspense… indie flicks that give my too many thoughts something to focus on for a bit so i’m not as scattered all about ~ but on the very rare occasion… when i pick one up… well it’s nice to be surprised and not bored.. The Holiday ~ if you are on the fence… don’t be ~ it really is a good movie… not award winnin’ life changin’ good or anything like that… but real without being depressing i guess… lol ~ i’ll leave you with a few of my favorite quotes…
Arthur to Iris ‘…in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend.’
Iris ~ ‘You are absolutely right. You're supposed to be the leading lady in your own life, for God's sake!’
Miles to Iris ~ ‘… i wrote a melody for you too… i only used the good notes.’
Anyway ~ yeah i was wrong… Jack Black proved to be endearin’ in much the same way that Adam did in Spanglish not typically two actors that make flicks i have to see… Kate Winslet is always lovely ~ when she isn’t flyin’ off the front of a ship… sorry for you Titanic lovers not a fan… and Cameron Diaz was not over the top funny but just enough with the right mix of angst to make you not hate her for claiming to have issues with men… lol
i sat and watched this movie… in utter amazement ~ they took four very different but distinct aspects of my personality and ‘characterized’ them in each of the main player ~ oh yeah forgot Jude Law is pretty amazing in it as well as a single dad with two small children who well just feels like the package deal he has to offer is probably more than anyone would really want to be a part of…
i’m sure those that know me really well will TOTALLY see what i’m talkin’ about ~ regardless… i don’t much watch ‘chick flicks’ ~ i like suspense… indie flicks that give my too many thoughts something to focus on for a bit so i’m not as scattered all about ~ but on the very rare occasion… when i pick one up… well it’s nice to be surprised and not bored.. The Holiday ~ if you are on the fence… don’t be ~ it really is a good movie… not award winnin’ life changin’ good or anything like that… but real without being depressing i guess… lol ~ i’ll leave you with a few of my favorite quotes…
Arthur to Iris ‘…in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend.’
Iris ~ ‘You are absolutely right. You're supposed to be the leading lady in your own life, for God's sake!’
Miles to Iris ~ ‘… i wrote a melody for you too… i only used the good notes.’
Saturday, April 07, 2007
so the dust is settlin'...
but damn... at 4:11pm ~ my sister called to tell me that my grandmother was rushed to the hospital ~ she had lost consciousness at some point and where she was at in all that was unclear... the next five hours SUK'D A LOT... i'm not even gonna lie
so this woman... good Lord... to have her strength... we should all be so lucky...
the rest of this story is not for the feign of heart...
when my father (she's his mother) was sixteen... there was a tragic car wreck in which two fatalities occured... my grandmother was the driver... my father's father was one that was killed... my grandmother has never driven a car since that fateful night... i've always known that but fate stepped in when i was in high school... and i heard the complete story of that night... all that happened would have made most that i know... give up on any kind of happiness and just dislike life... not this woman however... not at all
she later found a man ~ the one i know as my grandfather ~ that has spent his life completely devoted to and loving this woman like we all hope to find one day... and her spunk... strength... spirit... faith... has never failed her
she taught me to love music... George Jones... Willie... Charley Pride... Conway Twitty... the ones by which i still measure all i listen to today... she hoped i'd dance... i prefer to sing... but in her living room we would move the coffee table and try ~ GOOD LORD would she try to get me to dance... i still do ~ dance that is... just in my own way... on the inside... where i don't embarrass myself... or with my babies... where i just don't care
just before i moved... i looked this woman in the eye ~ understand something about me... i doubt every person that tells me they love me... to the point it FRUSTRATES many... i have NEVER doubted her love... not for a second ever.. IN FACT... she knows all... she knows that i don't understand the most basic love you should never question... the ones i have ~ questions that is... i've always brought to my gram and her answers are Socratic... and perfect every time ~ anyway i looked her in the eye and said i 'need' to do this ~ for me to live my best life... i need to go ~ but if you want me to stay for you... if you need me to stay and be with you... i will
'Lori, i love you ~ i want you to be happy and know you understand that living life is most important... i will never be the one to hold you back and i will shine with pride in your happiness. i will miss you don't get me wrong i don't want you to go the selfish part of me will miss you and my great grandbabies but do what you need to ~ i always have.'
so realizing that she will be 80 this summer ~ i understand that i somehow have to come to terms with that which i can't even consider... i was a MESS this evening... A. MESS.
she is home now tucked safely away... her crazy freakin' dog bouncin' off her bed i'm sure... and i'll feel much more at ease after she gets a clean check from her own doctor on Monday... but i was truly spared a pain that i can NOT comprehend this evening...
so this woman... good Lord... to have her strength... we should all be so lucky...
the rest of this story is not for the feign of heart...
when my father (she's his mother) was sixteen... there was a tragic car wreck in which two fatalities occured... my grandmother was the driver... my father's father was one that was killed... my grandmother has never driven a car since that fateful night... i've always known that but fate stepped in when i was in high school... and i heard the complete story of that night... all that happened would have made most that i know... give up on any kind of happiness and just dislike life... not this woman however... not at all
she later found a man ~ the one i know as my grandfather ~ that has spent his life completely devoted to and loving this woman like we all hope to find one day... and her spunk... strength... spirit... faith... has never failed her
she taught me to love music... George Jones... Willie... Charley Pride... Conway Twitty... the ones by which i still measure all i listen to today... she hoped i'd dance... i prefer to sing... but in her living room we would move the coffee table and try ~ GOOD LORD would she try to get me to dance... i still do ~ dance that is... just in my own way... on the inside... where i don't embarrass myself... or with my babies... where i just don't care
just before i moved... i looked this woman in the eye ~ understand something about me... i doubt every person that tells me they love me... to the point it FRUSTRATES many... i have NEVER doubted her love... not for a second ever.. IN FACT... she knows all... she knows that i don't understand the most basic love you should never question... the ones i have ~ questions that is... i've always brought to my gram and her answers are Socratic... and perfect every time ~ anyway i looked her in the eye and said i 'need' to do this ~ for me to live my best life... i need to go ~ but if you want me to stay for you... if you need me to stay and be with you... i will
'Lori, i love you ~ i want you to be happy and know you understand that living life is most important... i will never be the one to hold you back and i will shine with pride in your happiness. i will miss you don't get me wrong i don't want you to go the selfish part of me will miss you and my great grandbabies but do what you need to ~ i always have.'
so realizing that she will be 80 this summer ~ i understand that i somehow have to come to terms with that which i can't even consider... i was a MESS this evening... A. MESS.
she is home now tucked safely away... her crazy freakin' dog bouncin' off her bed i'm sure... and i'll feel much more at ease after she gets a clean check from her own doctor on Monday... but i was truly spared a pain that i can NOT comprehend this evening...
in a moment of false strength...
i said to Joc... 'hey ~ i'll be fine... i'm THE Lori ~ i bounce i don't break'
OK to the powers that be that have now ~ in what may truly prove to be my darkest hour... chosen to test that statement... i was SOOO kidding... please hear this prayer right now and KNOW that losing her would in fact break me...
OK to the powers that be that have now ~ in what may truly prove to be my darkest hour... chosen to test that statement... i was SOOO kidding... please hear this prayer right now and KNOW that losing her would in fact break me...
Thursday, April 05, 2007
'won't you please...'
a California life alone (or Vermont or Boston ;) is just too hard to bear'
GOOD DECISION my meg... don't you think... we are so lucky to be here!!!
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
The Event…
Safe to say it did not disappoint ~ the line up ~ Drew Kennedy, Peter Dawson and Josh Grider started the night off with an amazing song swap set ~ the highlight for me being Drew bustin’ out Dublin Blues… it’s also been a REALLY long time since I’ve gotten to see Peter so that was pretty great as well! I get so torn about these kinds of things as EVERYONE should be listening to these guys ~ the selfish part of me knows however that if everyone was… well then nights like that would be few and FAR between
Then my favorite Adam… seriously ~ ADAM HOOD… not only is he a truly gifted songwriter… he and his drummer put on a show that gives everyone a run for their money and it’s only the two of them… but they have got it all figured out when it comes to stage presence… and that thing I was talkin’ about before with Stoney that light in their eyes when they are watching people as they react to their art ~ he absolutely has it too… he sang my Coffee Song and such a FABULOUS version of Purple Rain… it was Jocelyn and Maureen’s first show… and well yeah they of course LOVED him as well ~ DUH I wasn’t even a little worried
Walt Wilkins whose praises I have sung here before was up next… I have to say it was not at all what I expected which is why I need to take a second look since I now have a better understanding… he is one of my favorites… yet it seems he is going in different direction which may be fabulous… however I was looking forward to a full band show… drawing from the catalog of songs that I know as Walt that wasn’t quite what I got… so for me… I spent this time catchin’ up with old friends… meetin’ new ones… enjoyin’ my $2 beer ~ lol… LAUGHING TOO MUCH… chatting with those that I normally don’t and really just shouldn’t ‘cause I just end up sounding foolish… mostly just truly being in the moment because it’s one I’ve hoped for… for so very long
I walked around this world of ours for way too long feeling lost… wondering if any place would ever truly feel home… would I ever find people who would hear the first few guitar riffs in a song and just get it ~ that tingle up your spine… that feeling that for at least the next oh 3-4 minutes everything is going to be perfect… and on an evening like this… well that happens with every single song and the best is when it’s a surprise when the artist knows that as an audience we appreciate truly appreciate the music so sure go ahead play your favorite song ‘cause we believe in you enough to know that you are gonna ‘own’ it… ANYWAY my point… I’m not lost anymore… and to be there with the ones who became the family that I always wanted to be a part of whether you were there physically… via text or via koozie… it was truly priceless for me ~ so thank you all… for nothing more than just loving me… unconditionally… and totally not in spite of my imperfections but because of them…
Wade Bowen took the stage for the final performance of the evening… and I’ve seen him a few times before… but I became a fan Saturday night… seriously and being there with the ones who love him the most… Danny… Jesse… Renee… Jen and Maureen ‘cause when I think of those who love Wade… it’s THEM… it was pretty amazing… he sang Meg’s and my song… and it was so good to once again be huggin’ her and singin’ along instead of being on a phone with tear stained cheeks… he played ATLANTIC CITY… oh my lord… did he play Atlantic City… and for me… it was the most special because the first time I ever came to Texas… he came on stage to sing that song with someone else that I love… so standing there in that moment ~ I had truly come full circle…
The rest of the night is a bit hazy… between being on emotional overload… completely exhausted… and maybe just one or two too many $2 beers… we found our way home… and the pillow was welcomed… safe to say the memories will continue to pop up… and there will for a long time be moments of ‘oh I FORGOT about that’ ~ and that is the best part of it all!!
Then my favorite Adam… seriously ~ ADAM HOOD… not only is he a truly gifted songwriter… he and his drummer put on a show that gives everyone a run for their money and it’s only the two of them… but they have got it all figured out when it comes to stage presence… and that thing I was talkin’ about before with Stoney that light in their eyes when they are watching people as they react to their art ~ he absolutely has it too… he sang my Coffee Song and such a FABULOUS version of Purple Rain… it was Jocelyn and Maureen’s first show… and well yeah they of course LOVED him as well ~ DUH I wasn’t even a little worried
Walt Wilkins whose praises I have sung here before was up next… I have to say it was not at all what I expected which is why I need to take a second look since I now have a better understanding… he is one of my favorites… yet it seems he is going in different direction which may be fabulous… however I was looking forward to a full band show… drawing from the catalog of songs that I know as Walt that wasn’t quite what I got… so for me… I spent this time catchin’ up with old friends… meetin’ new ones… enjoyin’ my $2 beer ~ lol… LAUGHING TOO MUCH… chatting with those that I normally don’t and really just shouldn’t ‘cause I just end up sounding foolish… mostly just truly being in the moment because it’s one I’ve hoped for… for so very long
I walked around this world of ours for way too long feeling lost… wondering if any place would ever truly feel home… would I ever find people who would hear the first few guitar riffs in a song and just get it ~ that tingle up your spine… that feeling that for at least the next oh 3-4 minutes everything is going to be perfect… and on an evening like this… well that happens with every single song and the best is when it’s a surprise when the artist knows that as an audience we appreciate truly appreciate the music so sure go ahead play your favorite song ‘cause we believe in you enough to know that you are gonna ‘own’ it… ANYWAY my point… I’m not lost anymore… and to be there with the ones who became the family that I always wanted to be a part of whether you were there physically… via text or via koozie… it was truly priceless for me ~ so thank you all… for nothing more than just loving me… unconditionally… and totally not in spite of my imperfections but because of them…
Wade Bowen took the stage for the final performance of the evening… and I’ve seen him a few times before… but I became a fan Saturday night… seriously and being there with the ones who love him the most… Danny… Jesse… Renee… Jen and Maureen ‘cause when I think of those who love Wade… it’s THEM… it was pretty amazing… he sang Meg’s and my song… and it was so good to once again be huggin’ her and singin’ along instead of being on a phone with tear stained cheeks… he played ATLANTIC CITY… oh my lord… did he play Atlantic City… and for me… it was the most special because the first time I ever came to Texas… he came on stage to sing that song with someone else that I love… so standing there in that moment ~ I had truly come full circle…
The rest of the night is a bit hazy… between being on emotional overload… completely exhausted… and maybe just one or two too many $2 beers… we found our way home… and the pillow was welcomed… safe to say the memories will continue to pop up… and there will for a long time be moments of ‘oh I FORGOT about that’ ~ and that is the best part of it all!!
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