the shock has worn off...

and now i'm just STUPID happy... and if i think about it too much i won't get anything done ~ and i have a few things to do... and i'm just warning everyone right now ~ you'll get sick of me quickly... jocelyn says it'll be ok and she's pretty much always right so i'm not going to worry but everyday there is a new 'oh yeah' moment that just makes me smile ~ A REAL ONE

someone asked me if i was sure last night ~ in my whole life never been more sure of anything ~ since it all got turned inside out and upside down ~ the only consistent thing has been THIS... so am i sure? ~ yeah of nothing else maybe ever as much as this

thank the LORD we have a good Gym..

at my apartment complex... between... Fuddrucker's... Kolaches... good Mexican food again... and the promise of S'mores... i'm gonna need it...

only in my world...

do you celebrate Thanksgiving ~ my favorite holiday... with your ex husband's parents... and your ex boyfriend's parents... and have just THE best day... we seem like a regular family... well wait there was no arguing ~ no drama ~ lots of laughs... too much food and now i'm ready for bed too early probably but gonna put my pj's on and put in The Christmas Story and giggle myself to sleep

i hope all your turkey's were juicy... your stuffing just the way you like it... and your blessings many

Happy Thanksgiving!

did you see/hear...

Jamie Foxx last night... oh my LORD... i just absolutely fall head over heels for him over and over and over again... that was so beautiful and i just LOVED it...

'and when I get to heaven
first thing they'll say to me
tell me have you seen Estelle Marie Talley
find out where you are
run into your arms
wrap your wings around me
and whisper in my ear... well done...' ~ that's the part right there my friends!

the last time i packed...

for a Texas trip i decided no band shirts... and i even fudged that a bit as my favorite boy beater is my Blue October one that i got this summer... but still i had decided Texans get it... they don't need me to wear them there... so that made packing a whole lot easier 'cause well MORE than half of my favorite shirts/sweatshirts etc are band shirts... SO now what ~ well i can't afford a whole new wardrobe so i guess i'll have to break that rule...

these new things i'm 'tripping' over... the falls are a whole lot easier to take!

yeah i know... i'm a dork

found my neverland...

moving in 12/28... and according to my baby boy ~ 'it has the biggest pool ever'

this is exactly how i feel...

'I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another in a lovely constellation, where we will sparkle in the heavens forever.' ~ Amy Tan

on my good days ~ which is why my bad days can be so bad... so to all the stars in my constellation that shined so brightly to help me find my way home... thank you

so it started with Pat...

as i've covered here before on more than one occasion ~ actually that isn't even completely true i was a music lover before Pat... but Pat opened my world to a whole new listening experience ~ i've always been a fan of singer/songwriters... Harry Chapin... James Taylor... Bruce Springsteen... the Eagles... Creedence... Jim Croce... Paul Simon... Bob Dylan ~ they all laid my foundation and when that's where you start well in my opinion you are solid

from Pat i was inundated with oh you have to hear 'so and so' ~ Randy Rogers... Bleu Edmondson... Jason Boland... Blue October... Cross Canadian Ragweed... STONEY... WALT... etc and from time to time someone would say that and my response would be quite negative sounding or i'd seem to be blowing them off but in the last three years there truly have been times when i'm just musically saturated and still feeling so much love for what is still so new to me that i just couldn't truly hear anyone new ~ OH and that list of newbies for Lori is SHORT believe me i could keep going... anyway the point i'm trying to make here because i overthink and explain everything... my new LOVE... that i've just in the last three days have truly heard is going to surprise many because they are not at all new... in fact probably considered pioneers in what has affectionately been termed OKOM ~ THE GREAT DIVIDE ~ some of my favorites...

'i got a trustin heart
i wear out on my sleeve
it’s gotta a knack of trusting lies
and wanting to believe
it’s got me in so much trouble
so many times before
i put it next to my diamond ring
that i keep in my dresser drawer...' ~ Diamond Ring

'i'm a bundle of fear
i'm a pile of doubts
but i hope through the fear
and i pray it all works out
cause it always does
when it rains sometimes it floods...' ~ Floods


'i have known people
they've had it all
they live their lives behind their walls
but mansions and prisons they walk a fine line
some sold their souls out
but i've still got mine

and i'm standin here in the afterglow
my head is spinnin around
i dont ever wanna hear i told you so
cause i aint about to lie down
no my wheels are still spinnin around... ' ~ Afterglow

oh there is SO much more but these are my new three FAVORITES...

my life is backwards...

i told a friend that the other day... i'm not living my life with or around the people that i should be... in a place that i love... with opportunities for growth for all of us... i'm living it in a place that well let's face it i've NEVER wanted to be here... around people that are either not at all good for us or just don't get us... there is a small handful but comparatively speaking ~ it's all just wrong and it's what brings about days like yesterday... oh and the people who got me through yesterday... big surprise are not here ~ i'm gonna fix all this!

it's the worst one in awhile...

the air is heavy... i have to take really small breaths just to get them in... my skin is making me claustrophobic... the lump is so big i can't swallow... i wish it was raining cause i can hide a lot easier when it rains... i go in circles trying to get away from the one thing i can't get away from... i turn on the radio... but every song brings the tears... and each tear is for a different reason... but the quiet... leaves me to my thoughts... and they are the worst... being stuck in my head on days like today is a frightening place to be... i'm overwhelmed... i feel trapped... my skin is on fire... yet i'm freezing...

today is not a good day to be me

i just love movies...

i can find something in just about every genre that i just adore... from Arsenic and Old Lace... to Clueless... to The Matrix Trilogy... to Friday Night Lights... to On Golden Pond... to The Way of The Gun... to The Color Purple... Almost Famous... The Seven Year Itch... LOTR... SPANGLISH

ok... you get my point... i just finished watching the Da Vinci Code... and ever since it came out the hype was just unbearable and the point of this post is just that... i have a rule ~ i must see a movie i REALLY want to see the day it comes out... and i don't listen to reviews or read them... i want to sit and watch and judge for me as to whether or not the story maintained true to the original book ~ well in this case... if Tom Hanks was up to the task... just everything ~ i don't need someone to decide for me and who exactly are these critics anyway... Gene Shalot doesn't know me... we've never spoken even for a minute so how on earth would he know how i am going to be moved by what i see on film... Roger Ebert... never met him either so why should i value so much what he has to say about what i want to watch... i LIKE judging for myself... and i'm pretty good at sharing with people my opinion... lol ~ k that might be a bit of an understatement but my point... i know what my friends like... because well DUH we're friends ~ i would much rather take the recommendation of Gage... Jocelyn... Meg... any one of the people in my life because they know what i'll enjoy

so in my opinion ~ if you haven't seen it and are on the fence... i'll warn you if you read the book... there are some discrepancies ~ nothing GAPING but noticeable still ~ however i truly enjoyed i thought the casting was perfect... although i hope that dude that plays Silas got paid a lot... he'll never be able to do anything else and not be thought of as him ~ unless that was some STELLAR work in the cosmetic department in which case... i'm thinkin' OSCAR for that...

so i never 'got'...

the 'little white tank top' song and i actually wrote him off because of it... probably a bit harsh but just not at all a direction i go in when chosing what i want to listen too... and i don't know... i'm a music 'nazi' ~ that's what bwj has called me ~ and it's probably pretty accurate

well I WAS WRONG.. oh my lord ~ i am SO in love with this new cd ~ Long Trip Alone... here is just a sample of why ~ but yeah... Dierks Bentley... he is more real than i originally gave him credit for...

'...so maybe you could walk with me a while
and maybe i could rest beneath your smile
everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold
‘cause it’s a long trip alone...' ~ Long Trip Alone

'...and the only thing i know
we all get the chance to go
saints and soldiers...
beggars... kings and renegades
any soul that ever found amazing grace
ain’t no tellin’ who on earth
He might include
in the heaven i’m headed to...' ~ Heaven I'm Headed To

'i came up through the trenches
where we only played for tips and alcohol
you find out what you’re made of
when there ain’t no gold or platinum on the wall...' ~ Band of Brothers.... i've HEARD of A LOT of those guys!

it sounds so cliche...

the whole 'they grow up so fast' ~ but good lord something happens when you go from being a child/adult to being a parent... time goes into fast forward instantly... i remember sitting in Advanced Math when i was a senior in high school and an 80 minute class seemed to take days... now hell six years just went by in a blink

and this year i have been highly sensitive to the fact that my baby boy is growing up ~ well the parallel to the year of his birth was pointed out to me today ~ it was a Wednesday that year also after a BIG election Tuesday... it was when George W. was elected the first time

i was scheduled to be induced on the 8th at 8am ~ yes the number thing... but look it up 88 ~ love in Morse Code... so anyway i got up early so i could eat a little something before the 'cut off' time and sat in terror watching the returns... the results would define the kind of world i was bringing this child into... as i was getting in the shower my son's father asked if i was ok... and i replied i'm terrified ~ he was shocked at that because i was two weeks overdue... i was READY... and i replied ~ 'We don't have an official result in the election yet. i just want to know so i can relax about all that.' ~ well yeah maybe only i would worry about such a thing ~ my guess is no... other mother's would have a similar fear

we we go to the hospital ~ Jordan was sure she would stay for the birth... my sister... their dad ~ i was being attached to the iv when i asked my sister if she noticed if Travis and Christie's car was in the lot as she was as overdue as i was... another nurse comes in at that moment to confirm that Christie was in fact in the next room about to deliver ~ that was pretty perfect as Christie was and has continued to be one of my dearest friends

so yeah... time passes... Jordan is bored ~ my grandparents show up... they all decide that the baby is taking too long... they will come back after his arrival is confirmed... my sister sat with me... never left my side... held my hand... changed the tv channel... fixed my blankets... she was there for me

the moment came when it was time to push and i tell her... that her hand isn't strong enough... i'll break it if i squeeze like i need to... please find his dad... she does... and he almost missed it... once... twice... three pushes and my boy is born

the rest is a blur ~ what memory i have is strictly because of what others have told me... he was blue... collapsed lung... weak pulse... no you can't hold him... we have to take him... oh wait... she's losing blood too ~ it was a mess ~ time stood still then... waiting to hear ~ how bad is he... what's wrong... what can we do... my pregnancy was perfect what do you mean he has a hole in his heart ~ are you sure he'll grow out of it

ugh ~ i kept saying i should be ok i've done this before ~ well no two are alike ~ in ANY WAY let me tell you

so here we are six years later ~ he is beautiful ~ he is strong ~ he is healthy ~ somedays he's my pride... others my joy ~ always half of my heart... am i too easy on him... sometimes... do i panic when he is running around with his little friends playing whatever the game of the day is ~ ABSOLUTELY ~ but only on the inside... i just don't want to be that mom that watches in horror as her son collapses because of a heart condition ~ we have all heard that story and i live in fear of it everyday

he has the most perfect smile and his eyes could light an entire country they are so bright... his laugh is perfect and infectious... his wit is matched only by his sister's ~ everyone tells me i should take notes because they both come up with some truly original ideas sometimes

so the tears came today... when i was reading birthday cards trying to pick the right one ~ a lot of love mixed with a little sadness that there is just not enough time... the cupcakes for snack at school tomorrow are in the oven... we will celebrate tomorrow evening with his birthday pal and my dear friends... there will probably be more tears 'cause Christie and i well we laugh AND cry together and that's ok

i'm blessed to have this amazing son... Happy 6th Birthday to my Jake...

'forget regret or life is yours to miss'

yup... that's how i live my life ~ except for this ONE thing... and it's big ~ i know it's big... i want to believe that in spite of it all things will be okay and of course they will whatever okay means... i hope that there comes a day soon when i truly feel like i have conveyed the sincere guilt that i feel and know that in spite of it... all is good, true and solid... for right now i have a pit in my stomach... a lump in my throat... and that scar on my heart aches

i guess i'm writing this now today because i feel in a bit of a slump... i'm tired... EXHAUSTED emotionally from ups and downs... i believe in my heart ~ IN MY SOUL ~ that i only have to hold on a little longer and it will all be better... but when you are surrounded by negativity and by those who choose mediocrity instead of making changes to thrive... well they do all they can to beat you up to keep you down with them ~ i know my strengths and i know that what i strive for is true and real ~ i know i will make it past this and on to a better life but sometimes that feeling of being alone in this fight almost takes over...

almost ~ but i won't let it!

'fates got a plan for us
even when our lives get rough
you make up... break up... you fall... you get back up
can’t you see
that’s the way it’s gotta be...' ~ Eli Young Band

so there you have it!

listened to it a million times...

truly heard it for the first last night...

'i’m glad to say that we met
but i’m sad to say that the circumstances weren’t on our side
so go on... go on be your own
go on be your own star...you're a superstar in my eyes...' ~ Blue October

i just have to get this out...

i know i have said that a lot in the last couple of days... but a lot is going on... and i'm not good at putting my stuff on others... so here is where it goes...

'i know this is going to be hard to hear but i wouldn't be a friend if i didn't say it ~ you really need to stop thinking about yourself so much'

OK... i've had that running around in my head for oh almost 48 hours now... first of all... in the list of who i think about and do all i can to make sure they are good... i'm almost last on that list... second of all... if i don't think about me ~ who is going to ~ no offense to anyone that truly loves me and reads this but i know even you know what i mean... finally if you know that what you are about to say is the worst thing you could say to someone ~ what kind of a person does it make you if you choose to say it

everytime i think i've built up the confidence that was tore down for so long... every time i feel safe... every time i feel strong... secure... everytime i think that i am making good choices... that i am going down the path that is best for me... everytime i start to trust and believe... well it's like the freakin' rug is pulled right out from underneath me... i'm getting better at the landing these days... and more sure footed so that i mostly tumble off and not a full flat on my ass knock the wind out of me kind of thing ~ but i guess my frustration lies in the why of it all... i'm not looking for anything that is all that selfish really... just a life that i can call my own

today's favorite....

will you miss me in Carolina
well i miss you in Tennessee
do you wish that i was there beside you
well i wish that you were here with me

i know it's not the ideal situation
you know my heart's become a part of the band
it's a hazard in this occupation
you know i love you just as much as i can

so i'll dream until i hear that you love me
and i'll hope until i see you smile
wish i could hold you forever
and somehow erase all the miles...

well tomorrow is Pennsylvania
then it's on to the City of Sin
i'll hold to your love and your memory
until i can see you again

so i'll dream until i hear that you love me
and i'll hope until i see you smile
wish i could hold you forever
and somehow erase all the miles...

k... i seriously only need a boy and a guitar... the boy of choice is Stoney

i heard this while on the phone with jocelyn and the tears... i had forgotten about it... and how much i was moved the first time... thank the LORD she loves the dork that i am