i love this stuff....

this is me... what's your card?

I am The Empress The Empress can refer to any aspect of Motherhood. She can be an individual mother, but as a major arcana card, she also goes beyond the specifics of mothering to its essence - the creation of life and its sustenance through loving care and attention. The Empress can also represent lavish abundance of all kinds. She offers a cornucopia of delights, especially those of the senses - food, pleasure and beauty. She can suggest material reward, but only with the understanding that riches go with a generous and open spirit. The Empress asks you to embrace the principle of life and enjoy its bountiful goodness. For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com

What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate. Month: Day: Year:

One down...

and one to go ~ put my baby girl on the bus... her choice ~ she could sleep an extra hour and let me take her but she wants to ride the bus... little socialite... wonder who she gets that from...lol

my baby boy ~ my BABY... is bathed, dressed and eating Cheerios waiting ~ not so patiently ~ to go to school for his very first day...

not sure where that leaves me for the rest of the afternoon ~ waiting ~ not so patiently for them to come home and tell me every detail i guess... i miss them when they aren't with me

how far we've come my son and i since the first time he said... well sang actually the first thing i recognized and knew for sure was what he was trying to communicate to me... today it seems appropriate...

My Sacrifice by Creed

'when you are with me
i’m free…i’m careless…i believe
above all the others we’ll fly
this brings tears to my eyes
my sacrifice....'

"She laughed and said..."

"it's better sometimes if we don't get to touch our dreams..." ~ Sequel by Harry Chapin ~ and today it rings true for me as i have touched my dreams and today they feel unattainable, i know of course that they aren't and that patience is key ~ i'm not good at that... so again another lesson that i am trying very hard to learn in my quest for independence and happiness ~ but damn does it have to be so hard i mean seriously i supported him while he chased his dreams for so many years... shouldn't there at least be a consolation prize at the end of it all for me ~ oh well how easily they forget how they got to where they are... i promise i won't do that i will remember forever every kind word, every shoulder, every hand up ~ i will remember it all forever and make sure that those that are carrying me now know that i am forever in their debt...

Perspective...

i got some yesterday ~ 'You make the best chocolate milk shakes i've ever had'

a little girl told me that last night ~ she was with her parents and they were my first customers in the restaurant... i had a day with too much time in my own head and was happy to go to work to get out of it for a bit and this precious child with bangs she had recently trimmed herself looked at me with her baby browns and the biggest smile and said that...

SLAM ~ world is set right again... for me it's really that simple and all i need ~ i don't need sofas, brass beds, pots and pans, etc... give em all to GoodWill

slowly but surely piece by piece i am building my new life and she reminded me of that just when i needed it...

In Your Time ~ Bob Segar

'feel the wind and set yourself the bolder course
keep your heart as open as a shrine
you’ll sail the perfect line

and after all
the dead ends and the lessons learned
after all the stars have turned to stone
there’ll be peace across the great unbroken void
all benign in your time
you’ll be fine...in your time'

What a difference a week makes...

so here i am ~ and here i'm staying for awhile... i'm still spinning and feeling a little ill about everything but when i find the occasional breath ~ it's fresh ~ so i do know that when the dust settles it will all be ok

Independantly Happy ~ Blue October

'i wipe the slate clean,
i kick that daydream
and remain independently happy...'

dear diary...

'cause that is what this is really...

so i realized something today ~ that funny thing i've been feeling for the last year and a half or so... my heart ~ the shock is a bit overwhelming... i thought for sure he descrated it and that i would never feel it again ~ nope it's there for sure

am i scared ~ umm yeah... no wait ~~~~ YES ~~~~

but that is what i believe God for today... the strength to feel my heart again

and a few other random realizations

there is a smile that makes my world alright ~ i do pray for someone more than i pray for myself ~ and my spirit is completely filled again

uh-oh ~ this could be terrible i realize but for this moment right now... i'm ok... i sort of said all of that outloud and did not in fact spontaneously combust ~ my meg you must be proud! calling on you and joc to be there to pick up the pieces of me when i fall apart from all of this ;)

ok ~ that's enough ~ and in case you missed any of what i'm talking about here...

Diary of a Mad Black Woman ~ FABULOUS movie

and in the words of Jason Boland when introducing this song... 'one of the finest songs i've heard...'

Finelines ~ Stoney Larue

'waking up means feeling good
and i thank you...'

Vegas or Omaha ~

either works if you are with the right people... you can have just as much fun in one or the other ~ in fact Vegas isn't even a challenge... who can't have fun in Vegas seriously...

it really doesn't matter, i'm thrilled once again that a smile has been found in a little thing... just a thought even ~ it's the little things i PROMISE ~ i'm truly the luckiest girl in the world and i keep forgetting that

Big Blue Sea ~ Bob Schneider...

'and its days like this that burn me
turn me inside out and learn me
not to tell you anything i think i know
well i think i'll tell you all that i know
i don't want to be alone i want to be a stone
i wanna sink to the bottom of the ocean
and lie there laugh there with you laugh
there with you til I'm gone...'

one in seven...

days are low ~ maybe that is too many but i think it's ok ~ i mean i am happy, i am truly loved, i certainly don't have much figured out but i think i am on that road ~ but some days ~ i wake up and the emptiness is heavy... tomorrow i'll be golden again and today will be barely a blip on the memory screen

nothing happened and i don't want to talk about it 'cause it's not stuff i'm ready to face because for now this side feels easier than dealing with it... getting through or over it... and then moving past it terrifies me ~ so thank you to the one who talked me around it for a bit too damn early this morning

i love this song for this line right here ~ i know it's supposedly depressing and just terrible, but i have a different view on most everything and can argue my points on most days pretty well...

Black Orchid ~ Blue October

'it is not that I am scared to learn
why I'm empty inside...'

i'm not scared to learn why ~ i know why... i'm scared of dealing with the why so for now i'll just let it go 'cause for six out of seven life is in fact beautiful

'There are risks you just can't take...'

'when you have children...'~ Flor from Spanglish

ok i just adore so many things about that movie ~ another quote that i have found that i relate a lot to is 'You live your life for your daughter, I live my life for myself... neither works.' ~ Evelyn

See my life seems to be a constant struggle between what is right for me and what is right for my kids ~ it's such a hard line to walk and one tiny slip and so much damage could occur ~ so i pray for vision... well clarity of vision everyday ~ to see as much of the path in advance as i can...

i think i figured it out...

why exactly it is that i adore this job as much as i do... ok see if you can follow this ~ i explained it to a friend the other night and it made sense then

my favorite thing to do... make people happy ~ which makes it extremely frustrating to be me 'cause it is so hard to make everyone that i love happy

but see when you bring people their food... they are happy ~ even on a busy night when maybe you aren't getting to them as quickly as they might like or things are a little bit harried ~ when you set their salad down... or the garlic rolls and their main course ~ they smile and with very few exceptions are just happy

and for me i get to step back a bit and watch them... so i spend each shift i work truly making just about everyone that walks in our dining room so very happy ~ if i'm really lucky they will order desert and well there you go... major bonus

we get some grumbly people no doubt... but even then there are little things you can do that will turn it around and that's brilliant

my song last night... Sick and Tired ~ Cross Canadian Ragweed 'cause this fits how i feel right now...

'you're no longer sick and tired
everything around you feels brand new
the days fly by, the nights could be longer
everyday you're just a little bit stronger...'

i fell hard today...

for a new man ~ he is GORGEOUS and completely perfect in everyway!!!!

KC Gregory Gordon Achilles ~ born 8/7/2005 at 7:14am weighing 7lbs 15ozs 21 inches long...

my baby sister had a baby today ~ of the two of us... the fact that i've been a mother for nine years already and she hasn't is just well hilarious really ~ she is supposed to be a mother... so many of us that have children ~ when we were first breaking in these new shoes... well we would go to her for advice as crazy as it may sound if there is a gene or whatever she GOT IT!

my babies are thrilled to have their new cousin... it's a situation like this that you really get a glimpse inside their little heads... my 9 year old daughter overheard me say that KC was a little early and she asked me in a panic ~ 'Like Jessica mom?' ~ one of my bestfriends had a baby last year four months premature that was called home shortly after her birth... 'No Jordan just a few days early he is going to be just fine.'

my four year old son was so excited and confused about his new cousin he was strutting around 'I have a new cousin... i'm a big cousin... i'm a little brother... i have a little cousin... i'm a big brother... wait Mom ~ what am i?' and then at the hospital he looked at his sister 'Where is your new cousin? This one is mine!'

what a truly blessed day!

oh and the iPod music God decided i needed to hear this on the way to meet him...

Feels Like Home ~ performed by Chantal Kreviazuk

'if you knew how lonely my life has been
and how long I've felt so alone
if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
and change my life the way you've done...'

for my sister because today her life has been forever changed!

it's decided...

i'd rather be by myself ~ i'm rarely alone... i'm never lonely... but seriously lately i've found that feelings of loneliness materialize more when i'm with people who don't really care

i try really hard to be accomodating and not imposing ~ i know i'm a freak and that i'm picky... i don't ever ask anything of anyone else... yet i seem to 'hear' about my quirkiness more than i like ~ it's the ones who taunt me because they find certain parts of me unexplicable that bother me ~ i'm not asking for anything more than acceptance of me for me ~ don't try and change me... i'll fight you harder and stand firmer ground to be just who i need to be to breathe...

and i'm still not sick of this song and i heard it today and this line hit a nerve...

Collide ~ Howie Day

'out of the doubt that fills my mind
we somehow find
you and i collide...'

just saw something frightening ~

'Find the next Rob Thomas...' ~ i didn't even click on the link ~ NO POINT

there isn't one... sorry ladies and gentlemen try as you might ~ there is no substitute that is suitable at all anywhere...

this world we live in where all of a sudden we can dial 1-800... stay or go ~ quite frankly i'm over it... surely there is more value to not just the legacy of one but also to the ablity of those to follow ~ why would you want to try and step into someone else's shoes... wear your own they will fit much better

Back to Good ~ matchbox 20

'everyone here is wondering what it's like to be with somebody else
everyone here's to blame
everyone here gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain
everyone hides shades of shame
but looking inside we're the same
we're the same
and we're all grown now
but we don't know how
to get it back to good...'

if you can write like that... you DESERVE to be your own star

so much to say...

and if i actually put it down... edit it and read it ~ it becomes real and today for me that's too much reality...

'this room is old and wise
i fall onto the bed and wonder ~
how did i get here...' ~ Weight of the World ~ Blue October

i don't play games...

i play music ~ i have a t-shirt that says that and SERIOUSLY that is me ~ i don't have time in my life for anything but real... sorry because along with that comes the fact that i don't censor myself very well ever and if i am feeling something... it's known by those that are in my life and around me ~ what is the saying 'i wear my emotions on my sleeve' or something to that affect... well even though this is full of cliches the point is this... with me what you see is truly in fact what you get...

ok that's all...

Jason Boland and the Stragglers ~ Live at Billy Bob's is what is getting me through this summer... specifically Fallin' With Style~

'you’ve got rope burns on your hands
from holding on way to tight
but if you let go today
they're gonna heal up alright
and your eyes are half closed from staring down the sun,
you got no time for singing
you’re always on the run

it’s gonna be alright in a matter of time
cause the dirt is gonna yield and the poem is gonna rhyme
it’s gonna be alright, it might take a little while
cause flying ain’t nothing, just falling with style...'

Let Time Go Lightly ~ Harry Chapin

i let time go lightly when i'm here with you
i let time go lightly when the day is through
i keep a watch on time when I've got work to do
i let time go lightly with you

morning, a time for breaking ground and sowing seed
and yet we give up our sunshine so we can buy what we need
and that leaves the evening to share a fire with a friend or two
to lose sight of the hours... to go lightly with you

i let time go lightly when i'm here with you
i let time go lightly when the day is through
i keep a watch on time when I've got work to do
i let time go lightly with you

old friends, they mean much more to me than a new friend
'cause they can see where you are and they know where you've been

music has been my closest friend, my fiercest foe
'cause it can take you so high... it can make me so low

when I was a child my mother would help me along
she'd rock me to sleep and sing me a song
so i learned to love the music of all the tunes in my head
the changing of chords, the rhythm of time...

i let time go lightly when i'm here with you
i let time go lightly when the day is through
i keep a watch on time when I've got work to do
i let time go lightly with you

yes I let time go lightly with you
and a fire and a friend or two
with you and a fire and a friend or two
a friend or two, and you