spent the day feeling sane...

i have a very good friend... we've known each other for the better part of six years now... she has three children... i have two... her oldest and my oldest are both in fifth grade... both Jordans... the night we met our initial conversation went like this... her ~ 'Jordan are you ready to go we need to get home and feed Kaylea?' me ~ 'You have a Kailey too... my dog's name is Kailey.' the funny half of that is she didn't hear me say dog and the next day i got a phone call from my uncle who works with her mom asking me when i had my second child... we were pregnant together in 2000 and when we found out that she was having a girl and i was having a boy... we joked that they'd be born on the same day since we couldn't name them the same thing... fast forward to the 8th of November as i'm being settled into my room for my induction i ask my sister if she saw their truck in the parkin' lot... the nurse comes in and asks if my friend or neighbor is having a baby... i respond 'Is Christie here?'... she was in the next room... had Jarrett... and six hours later i had Jake...

we have some kind of karmic connection and she is going to do some shifts at the restaurant that i work at... i got to train her today... it was pretty great and i came home... happy...

another friend of mine is going to be working some shifts as well... i'm brining sanity in... there isn't enough there now at all and if i do this... it could be an amazing place

'how you doin' baby?'

that's what Larry says to me every time he comes in to start his shift... i can count on it... like i count on the fact that Jordan has blue eyes... Jake has brown eyes and my dog will come out of the bathroom as soon as she hears me walk in the door (don't ask) and for the first time in a LONG time when he said it i said 'Fantastic... Lar how are you?'

and he looked at me with this look... this man has only known me a little over a year but he has me figured out better than most... and he says 'Really... 'cause i almost believe you.' and i said 'Yeah really... i've decided it's all in the twist... sometimes you get yourself so focused on something that you can't see anything else and if you twist just a little bit and change your view ~ boom Life is Perfect again and you can in fact breathe... you do in fact feel loved... and if you choose you never have to look in that same direction again.'

He looked at me... with this smile that he has that is just so soothing... and says 'I like that life philosophy... I'm going to keep that thank you.'

Your welcome... and if it helps anyone else... well there you go

and they are off...

Kindergarten and Fifth Grade... and i'm sad... ish ~it's not a sad thing it's once again... there is not enough time... and a full day for my boy... i miss him already... and i'm tired of being the strong one... that's my mommy whine for the day... it's always me... standing there... as they walk away... thank the good lord for my truck and my cd player...

'... my heart'

'... can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with...' Because of You ~ Kelly Clarkson

ummm yeah

'i woke up this morning...'

with Texas on my mind...' and i'm going to have all the details and plane trip booked by wednesday of this week... doing this... all the parts of my body that were holding on to too much pain... let it all go and i am smiling and feeling just better about everything

my meg said to me yesterday that getting on my first plane to Texas was what made me certifiable... well yeah ~ but in a really REALLY good way... life has not been the same since and it's been so much richer and brighter and fuller when my focus is on those that love me there and all that i love about what i have found there...

there is an old Crosby, Stills and Nash song... i believe '... there's a rose in a fisted glove and the eagle flys with the dove... if you can't be with the ones you love honey... love the one your with' ~ tried that it just really doesn't work for me sorry... i need to be with the ones that i love and those that love me so i'm gonna just do that

i'll stay green... be a pea... mix with my carrots and just be freakin' happy ~ random but for me it is PERFECT

weekend wrap up...

Pat was on CMT and his video is number 11 on their countdown

Hate Me is back on the VH1 countdown and it was number 17

Matt wins both the Busch race AND the Nextel Cup Race... the Cup win locks his spot in the Race for the Chase and he is only seven points behind the leader Jimmy Johnson...

The Colts won their first game this year

The Giants beat the Jets... which makes my parents happy... again makes me a bit nervous but still its football and i am happy that we are able to talk about football again

The Yankees win... again more for others than me as it's baseball

so... things are turning around...

you would think...

we were related or that i had something more than just genuine admiration invested in this man ~ 'cause i watched CMT Insider... and tears of pride and joy for him just stream down my face... and truly not just 'cause i cry over everything right now... i am just so happy for him... i didn't get like this after the last cd... just not the same for me ~ maybe it's a focus thing and it happened for me when i needed it... i don't know... anyway that's all check out CMT Insider this week... 'cause he's there OH and the Trailers are on there for a bit too...

the Giants are looking good...

i know it's preseason... but i am starting to sweat the 10th a bit...

i had a totally different post here... but i don't have it in me anymore to put myself out there like i had... i'm feeling just a bit too raw i realized this morning when talking to someone about it... 'cause they didn't say anything that i didn't expect and ~ stinging... burning... so i just can't right now... and it's not anyone's fault... i'm my own worst enemy as they say

i wasn't going to cry today...

yeah well so much for that... i truly thought i was done crying about four years ago... boy was i wrong... i prefer cheek bustin' grins to tear stained cheeks... no question

ok so maybe a little...

as evidenced by the two tix to the Pat at Irving Plaza in NYC that i purchased online last evening...

Obsessed?

hmmm ~ so i've worn a different Pat shirt everyday now for ummm a weekish... and still have three to go... i bought my second copy of Cannonball today and already have someone to give it to 'cause a friend of a good friend saw my shirt tonight and said... 'Pat Green... love him.' ~ oh really... umm yeah me too... then she got the story... talked her and my friend into going to the show with me in two weeks... track six and eleven have been on exclusive repeat for the last 24 hours... and before that i had been listening to the Three Days cd again 'cause it makes me feel better... still ~ like nothing else does... i still feel closer to the people that have come into my life as a result of his music than i do any others ever and they are all far far away from me in distance... but i carry them in my heart and they heal my soul EVERYDAY

so i don't know... obsessed sounds like such a dirty word... but whatever it is... i've got it and had it now for a long time and i don't want to let it go ever... so tomorrow... it's my El Arroyo Shirt 'cause i'll need that ~ it'll get me through

15 more wake ups... then i get to see him live and seriously nothing is better... well ok... Blue October is almost as good... but it's different i need to figure out how to explain that...

i got a text message from the one that introduced me to pat... played that cd with 'those songs that we keep missin' on cmt' ~ the message said 'i just heard Way Back Texas loved it can't wait for the show.' i can't wait either... and i enjoy that song from the new cd as well...

'...or sometimes just a song playing on my radio
and there i go just wishing you were singing along...' ~ Way Back Texas
i cried... happy tears... in texas... in laineyloo's car... first night in austin... we were all singing along to 'my music' as i so eloquently put it that night... i really do share better than that... but it's a good memory regardless

so there is apparently a contest...

that i have to win... 'cause it would be season tix to the Colts for the 07 Season...

for peace... this is what i got today...

pat ~ two weeks from tomorrow... or 15 wake ups

Manning V. Manning ~ opening weekend... 18 wake ups and what a game... and there is still a very real possiblity that i could be in the stadium for that... can't think about that too much 'cause i'll just burst

laundry... it's almost done

lunch with my beautiful girl

i got to hear pat live via cell

Texas... october 18th to the 23rd... gonna make that happen... and i have a list of people that i need to hug and i'm only eating kolaches for the entire trip

jocelyn ~ thank you ~ just THANK YOU

i'm looking forward to a day soon with no tears... where nothing hurts... i'd even take numb over pain right now...

i want to smile... a real one ~ maybe even before october

ok... just that's enough for now...

today's favorite new Pat Green song...

'... you'll find who you are if you follow your heart...' ~ Missing Me

to say things have been bad...

is an understatement ~ i did something i never thought i would do ~ shut my phone off... i just needed to be alone... well wait... left alone... with my thoughts to try and figure out some crazy shit that's been going on and i needed to not be distracted by other things because this is all so big for me...

so i have figured a damn thing out ~ well i won't have sex with brandon for a million dollars...lol that's more for his benefit than anything else 'cause my view on money frustrates the hell out of him and the fact that he figured that out before even finishing the question was quite hilarious at 2:30 this morning...

i've been told twice in the last 24 hours that there is a saddness in my voice that was never there before... it might be permanent 'cause i've been hurt this time really bad ~ well it's not the worst but i think one of the benefits of a scar is that it's tougher to get through so perhaps it won't hurt as much... something to think about anyway ~ it still hurts though and worse i feel foolish ~ and again alone... which is really not a good thing for me... i know i'm not... but once again the ones that i need the most are the fartest away... i hate that about my life...

one will be back next week ~ she's at my beach and there is a promise of a shoulder upon her return... and i'm gonna use it if i don't totally break between now and then... so i have to ~ what is it they say '... put on my big girl panties and deal with it...' ~ well so at about 4:30 today i really have to deal with it... and i have no idea how any of this is really going to pan out

here's what i know ~ Pat Green's new album today is where i found my smile... 'To all who listen: Thanks for the chance to have our musi be a part of your lives. I hope it was time well spent. It is a tiny, very distant star that we who make music look at for direction. But it is real to us. Maybe it is just our imagination. You know what, pondering on that little star got me here. What a mess....' ~ that's beautiful

i know my kids are happy and healthy... and will continue to thrive 'cause its the only thing that i am kind of good at these days

i know that i am loved by a select few that will never let me down and never leave me to my crazy head and will continue to keep me sane and help me on my quest for that ever elusive PEACE...

i know that i am just going to keep breathin... keep puttin one foot in front of the other.... find random smiles from random moments and hold onto them for some healing... and in between all that ~ i'm gonna hide again for awhile 'cause it doesn't hurt so much

my song today... 'There's a spot on earth a man can go.. to find himself and free his soul... a place somewhere between heaven and hell... where no one hurts and all is forgiven... a door that leads to light and grace... but the keys are in the darkest place... though it feels like i've been there before... though i don't know what i'm looking for... and i'm trying to find it...' ~ I'm Trying to Find It ~ written by Hambridgel/Steele ~ performed by Pat Green

when the devil deals the cards...

our gracious Lord sends angels for lunch...

call it kool aid if you must...

but i love Love LOVE ~ Feels Just Like It Should... Pat's new single... it makes me smile ~ a BIG HUGE CHEEK BUSTIN' smile

'Some things are true...'

'... whether you believe in them or not.' ~ Seth from City of Angels

i forgot how much i just love this movie

World Trade Center

the most intense movie i have ever seen... extremely well done... the most humanity i have ever seen on the big screen... the quietest movie theater ever ~ except for the sniffles...

favorite new artist...

JAMES BLUNT... check him out...

'...i am a dreamer but when i wake,
you can't break my spirit ~ it's my dreams you take.
and as you move on ~ remember me
remember us and all we used to be
i've seen you cry... i've seen you smile
i've watched you sleeping for a while...' Goodbye My Lover


'...beautiful dawn ~ you're just blowing my mind again
thought i was born to endless night ~ until you shine
high... running wild among all the stars above...' High

the cd ~ Back to Bedlam... every song it just amazing

61 no *

61 people walked into my restaurant last evening between the hours of 5 and 9pm... we served them all ~ oh my lord i got my butt kicked... not a question

but we did it... and we were still smiling at the end of it all... apparently i don't suk at this job ~ i must say i'm grateful that the bar was empty 'cause i couldn't have done it if the bar tender couldn't have helped...

and now on to the farm...

if you are a good person...

GOOD THINGS HAPPEN FOR YOU...

September 7... Northampton, MA.... PAT GREEN my friends and opening up for Mr. Green... that would be THE LOST TRAILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

'... so just give me my good friends... and a good hearted woman... just give me some high times... to fall back on...' ~ TLTs

so i entered hell...

saturday morning about 3:45 and was actually allowed to leave about 9:30 last night... my friend got arrested... actually i was standing on the sidewalk when they put him in the cruiser... that suk'd... he called me out of a deep sleep to say i need to get to where he was 'cause if i didn't bad things were going to happen...

well bad things were going to happen... they had happened... whether i show'd up or not... however my head working like it does... i spent the day wondering if i had not changed my clothes... if i had driven faster... if i just had gotten there sooner maybe i could have been the voice of reason and things would have been different ~ of course that's insane but i live in crazy... i get that

there are so many things about this situation that i have no idea what happened... hell my friend blacked out and doesn't remember anything past talking... in a friendly way even for an hour to the person that pressed charges... here's the thing.. i don't care what happened... well i care a little 'cause i think some choices were made that could have been different... obviously anyway never mind

a few points... it sux when someone you love goes to prison... you don't get a lot of info... they really only get one phone call... and when your that call... holy hell i'd thought i'd felt the weight of the world before... you should have seen my talking to his mother and then his father ~ oh yeah and that was the first time i'd ever met his dad... he must think i'm such a freak

ok so he's home... it's going to be a misdeameanor... we had corn on the cob... chicken... he's embarrassed as hell... but it's shit like this you figure out who your friends are... he talked to my mom for a long time... that helped ~ 'cause he'd met her before but they don't know each other that well ~ but like me... we don't judge... it's not our place... we can give a shoulder... an ear... and some advice if it's requested... but we love... and continue to love... in spite of and because of all the things that makes someone we love the person they are

day 2... so let's see if we can follow this... so the friend that was in jail ~ well his mom is a very dear friend... well on the same day her son is incarcerated... she finds out she has to put her dog to sleep... so yesterday that's what we did... dug the hole... blah blah blah... the whole bit... if you know anything about me... i have three children... jordan is my daughter she is 10... kailey is my beautiful german shepard she is 9 and my jake is my son he is 5... so in my world that just suk'd yesterday...

that's enough... sorry back to happy place today... KC is a year old today and yesterday he started walking... well wait RUNNING all over the place... yay!

Random stuff...

i'm so glad to see football on Sports Center again... and it's looking like i may be in East Rutherford, NY for opening day... if that happens talk about dream come true stuff seriously...

i got a bunch of CD's in the mail today... i love Love LOVE music... i know but some may have missed that

i'm really good at what i do ~ two people told me today ~ that makes me smile and i would have never thought in a million years that this would be the job for me ~ but hey ~ who likes their landlord... not many.. if any ~ now someone brings you good fool... you kind of like that person for at least a minute or two right?

i've heard two reviews of Talledega Nights... is it Wednesday yet 'cause i'm excited and i want to see it and the drive in with my NASCAR buddies... tailgating... it's going to be GREAT!!!!!!!!

i went 'home' this week ~ i apologize if that hurts the one that i love a lot... but it's been great for me ~ and i'm gonna stay for awhile

planning a Texas run for late October... it's necessary and will be sooo good for me ~ i need the kind of hugs that i get there... and i am in SERIOUS need of a freakin' KOLACHE... lol

Pat's new album... well..it's Pat... nuff said... i can't wait and watch out 'cause you know how i get

we now have Blue October on the juke box at The Pub... after last Thursday i won't be there much... but for a hole in the wall in Vermont to have such GREAT music... i'm serving my purpose well

and finally... i just love BEER

'...my mind it kind of goes fast...'

'... i'll try to slow it down for you'

good lord were truer words ever spoken or in this case sung... and that doesn't look right... maybe it's not a word

ok see... ADD in HIGH gear of late and maybe i need to reconsider meds again... 'cause i'm feelin' a bit out of control which for me isn't abnormal but i'm a bit past the limit that i like to let myself be out of control ~ you know there is a line... just enough to be spontaneous... fun... not bored... but not so much that you make a wreck of everything in your path ~ i haven't wrecked anything that i care too much about yet... and i even think some of what has gone bad lately isn't my fault but i guess the control freak in me thinks that maybe i could have done something different

someone asked me if i believe in love the other day... and as i was answering the question i realized that i still don't... i tried for awhile... and thought i could but... truly ~ i know my gram loves me... i know my babies love me... and i know my friends love me... but that love... the for better... for worse... forever... fat and lazy... strong and happy... would carry you when you can't walk... would sing your praises upon a crowd that isn't listening... sees everything beautiful and ugly and doesn't run... that love... i don't know... don't think so... it's the forever part that gets me the most as in our world of bigger... better... faster... prettier... the heart got lost ~ symbolically the heart is perfect... symetrical... two halves... that come together to make a point right...

well the human heart... it's ugly... it looks unfinished... it's fragile... it hurts... it just doesn't fit in our world that's become plastic and fake right down to teeth whitener for crying out loud... i'm not cynical in most aspects of my life... it's creeping in from time to time... but i'm truly a half full glass person... until this subject and then there is no glass

having said all of that... take nothing away from the fact that if i tell you i love you.. i do in fact mean it... because of all your perfect flaws not in spite of them... the people that i am blessed to have in my life... they all have walked through fire with me... not for me or because of me or whatever... but with me... grabbing my hand if i slipped... sometimes i went down too hard or too fast... and they all helped to pick me back up and find my path again... and for me that's ALL i want... so to those that know... well you know...

so July is over...

and i'm not exactly sure where it went... there were some never ending days... there were some days that were too short... there is about a week that is a complete blackout... i had some serious fun no question... made some seriously grown up decisions which is not so like me... made some not so grown up decisions ~ but i don't regret a thing... had soo much fun... had not so much fun... and now that the adrenaline is just about gone from my system... i'm tired and feel every bit of the 34 years that i am...