down to 2...

and i keep trying to find the word...

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN...

did NOT disappoint... and you know i was four rows from the ceiling and with the exception of the 12 year olds that were up front... i don't believe there was a person having more fun in the arena... the person that got the tix told me today he was sorry he couldn't get better seats... but you know what... i was a fan with other fans... having THE TIME OF OUR LIVES...

Jon Bon Jovi showing up to hang out and sing one with Bruce didn't suk either!!!

'i just wanted you to know i had a lot of fun with you last night...'

and thing about that comment is i think i've come a long way in a year... the first time i went to a show when i moved to Texas... i was talking to my gage on the phone on the way back to my apartment... and i remember saying 'i'm not sure how this is going to work... they want to talk and play too much... i REALLY want to listen to the guy on the stage'... my friend assured me that night that after a certain amount of time i'd relax and realize they aren't going to be few and far between... i won't always need to be front and center... or everyone will think i'm a freak... LOL

of course because my gage IS NEVER right... i assured him that if that happened i would lose something special that i treasure so NO that won't happen...

ok ammending that now 'cause he was right... and it's ok... because i think i've found the balance and i don't feel the urgency like i used to which is a blessing 'cause that was heartbreaking sometimes...

and i get to enjoy my friends too and THAT is the best part!!!

can i just say again...

O.A.R. this band makes me HAPPY... ok... i just got Live At Madison Square Garden on DVD... sooo very good... if you like say... Dave Matthews... Reggae... good music... give it a try

and then... ok... seriously

Secondhand Serenade... i can NOT stress enough how much I LOVE THE WRITING... so if you are looking for something new... you won't be disappointed

'You look so rested!'

that's what i was told today... okay... let's give you just a little background... first of all there is the whole MESS that has been my life since January (which if you read my blog you know already)... then last week was Michigan... four auctions a day... 900 properties... ugh

at 5:10pm on Friday... the president of a brokerage in IN called to talk to the president of my company... bottomline... this lady is trying to buy a house... she is havin' a mental issue... tried to kill herself... blah blah blah... (for the record doesn't sound like a good risk for a mortgage if you ask me) anyway... i'm SO not the person in my office to handle this kind of stuff yet it fell on me 'cause well it's who i am... after that however... i was completely SPENT

so it was Greenfest this weekend... friends... music... road trip... we head out on Saturday morning... and all of a sudden four hours later... we chatted our way to San Antonio and it felt like five minutes...

i just have to say... i needed a place... a safe place to just cut loose and know that i would be taken care of... i found it... and i'll tell you what i say it all the time... i am blessed with the best friends in the world... i drank a beer or two... i laughed... i hugged... i listened to my favorite music... there were tears... but the happiest ones!!! i made a fool of myself in front of dktx but i believe he'll forgive me... in fact that's why it was ok because they ALL will forgive me and understand that it was just necessary.

Sunday home was PERFECT, at least i thought so, we took our time... we stopped and sat by the pool... had a beer... listened to Dave Mason... again perfect

i missed some of my favorites and i wish they were there... but can i just say... this weekend did so much to heal what was broken... and so yes today i felt whole... and rested... and LOVED

THANK. YOU.

Our Horoscope

i say our 'cause A LOT of Geminis read my blog...

Is something just not working out in one of your newer relationships? Miscommunication, misunderstandings, and inconsiderate actions have helped build up quite a wall between you two, and you need to address the situation today. Do not dwell on what has happened -- focus more on the reason you have chosen to be in each other's lives to begin with. Has that reason changed? If so, it might be time for you to move on. Friendships don't always have to last forever.



very interesting... we'll see how this works out.

The reality of swaddling…

they teach you in the hospital when you have a baby… ok at least they did 12 years ago… anyway they teach you how to swaddle you baby. They explain that when you do this they feel safe… the idea being it resembles the confinement they felt in the womb and that’s familiar to them.

So what they don’t teach you is that you will always be trying to recreate that feeling… the rest of your life… you’ll go through phases as to what you use… when I was really little it was this pillow that I literally just relinquished about five years ago… it got so threadbare at one point that I sewed a pillowcase shut to keep it together a bit longer… then it was my grandfather’s army jacket from Korea… I wore that big ‘ol jacket daily with everything… and it was FUGLY no question… but I felt both safe from and ready for battle in it ~ you know during those angst filled teen years when the ENTIRE world is against you and yours for the conquering all at the same time…it still hangs in the closet at my parents home… I pull it out every now and again when I’m there just ‘cause

In the most recent years it’s my light blue old navy hoodie… nothing special about it really but i wear it when I’m just in need of feeling safe… protected… comfortable ~ it’s also my charms… i am not often without them… it’s funny because when I share them with people who are curious they tend to comment (faith ~ you do have a lot of faith… courage ~ oh I agree I’ve known few with the kind of courage you have…) what they are missing is that I wear the charms I wear because they are things I feel I am lacking and need…

Finally it’s always music… l will drive with it as loud as I can trying to bathe myself in the peacekeeper of the moment (Secondhand Serenade…OAR… that’s what’s doing it for me right now)… I walk around with my iPod in my pocket and an earbud in one ear the other left for the world…

So the lesson learned here is this… if you see me… in my light blue old navy hoodie… iPod in one ear… it’s probably not a good day

Shiny Moment of the Day ~

Jake ~ ‘mama… what’s this?’

Me ~ ‘it’s mascara’

Jake ~ ‘what’s that for?’

Me ~ ‘your eyelashes…’

Jake ~ ‘ok… where’s the stuff that makes your lips sparkly… I like it when you sparkle’

i have so many thoughts these days...

depending on the minute and name in my last call list...

so i'm going to try and put some of them here in the hopes that i can start to sort through them...

first of all... i'm fearful that too much time with something that brings out the worst in me... is going to devour who i am until i become that person that i don't like even a little again

however... the one that loves me... i mean truly loves me... says it and i believe it... says it first even and if he forgets calls me back to say i'm sorry i forgot something... that one... my completely perfect imperfect love... he promises that it won't ever happen and i believe that he won't let it happen... how great is that feeling...

ok so many of you will be wondering about that... the thing is i choose to keep this for me... with very few exceptions... i know it won't ever be more than what it is right now... and right now it's exactly what i need... someone who knows EVERY detail of my life... and i mean everything... and still loves me not in spite of my weaknesses but accepting them and holding my hand when they are exposed

so the weeks since i've last posted have been filled these two things... too much time and then not nearly enough... i think one balances out the other... that's what i'm hoping anyway

week 2...

so there are two songs... that regardless of everything... will always bring the tears... and today in church the choir beautifully sang one of them... the other is Ave Maria...

amazing grace... how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me....
i once was lost but now am found...
was blind but now i see...

t'was grace that taught...
my heart to fear...
and Grace my fears relieved...
how precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed

through many dangers toils and snares
we have already come
t'was grace that brought us safe thus far
and grace will lead us home.

the Lord has promised good to me...
his word my hope secures
he will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures

when we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun
we've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun

amazing grace, how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me....
i once was lost but now am found,
was blind but now I see...

the tears were happy... peaceful ones

movies

i'm on a kick right now...

Once, Waitress, Across the Universe, The Namesake, The Fountain

i recommend them all but remember i'm pretty out there in my taste so you may like them... you may not... but each one is worth a look

next in my que... Martian Boy and We Own the Night

i'll get back to you...

Thirst Quenchers

you know i'm a big believer in signs... i like having some kind of guidance that i'm on the right path...

so yesterday we went to church.

Jordan has been wanting to go for some time now... she went with my dear friend Lisa, however Lisa is Catholic ~ i was not raised Catholic and that's all i'm going to say about that 'cause see one of the biggest reasons i don't go every Sunday is because while i have a very good relationship with Our Father... i have not always left houses built in his honor feeling his presence there ~ and again... enough said about that

yesterday was not one of those situations... and when we pulled in and Jordan said 'You can go to church in jeans?' as we watched some of the others there walking in i knew i had chosen the right place for us ~ my response to her 'You absolutely should be able to ~ God doesn't care what you wear he's looking into your heart.'

the sermon yesterday was based on Exodus 17 ~ where Moses got water from the rock... and the Pastor talked about being alone in the desert and feeling thirsty ~ metaphorically of course referring to that feeling i've mentioned here all too much lately about whether God is paying attention or not... so yeah it could not have been a more perfect day for us to go

Jordan loved it... it was the right mixture of worship... song... devotions... just a beautiful service with the right focus in every aspect of the day... so we will be going back...

‘The truth hurts’

right… that’s what they say ~ and it can… so my advice to you today my dearest friends

be VERY careful who you share your truths with… be certain they are worthy and will carry it safely… that they will not turn your truths on you to hurt you… because that hurt… well it’s just numbing

so go to wherever you go to hear music and listen to this… every once in awhile I’ll hear a song and TRULY wonder… was this written about me…


- James Blunt Lyrics

i have an email...

that says 'Your Bob Dylan ticket is attached'

OH. MY. HECK.

better than 100 Christmas mornings for me in my world!!!

i'm just broken...

and havin' a hard time matchin' the pieces back up to glue them all together again... and when i start to ~ i get shaken... so i think i'm just sittin' in the mess for a minute and prayin'


it's all i got... i just hope that i find a fire to warm this sadness soon 'cause i don't want this to be me...

Junior High

ugh... so we registered... and i cried... nuff said ~ they are growing too fast... my folks always said that... i never got it... 'til now... and mostly it's just 'cause i love them... and i love being with them... and i don't want them to leave me... selfish i know... ugh

Super Bowl... seriously ~ 18-1 ~ AWESOME... my daddy is SOO happy... POETIC JUSTICE i say

note to self... next super bowl monday... take a personal day...

jordan apparently can shoot dice... which made her smile... and that is a good thing... already lost mother of the year award for this one... it was like 11pm on a school night... OOPS

i'm not sure when it became ok to have video games in my house... but not only are they here... they are starting to take over... that's gonna change

there is the possiblity that i may talk to the one that keeps me sane soon... to tell or not to tell... damn it...

U23D ~ GO SEE IT... if you even like one song they have ever sang you will enjoy it... if you consider yourself a fan... you'll be BLOWN. AWAY.


One Lyrics

i'm going again... this weekend even

so much to say...

but i'm gonna start with a very serious truth that i am strugglin' with today...

i truly have what's it called dysmorphia or something... yeah i could google it but sometimes i just like being you know how we were before the internet where we kind of knew what we were talkin' about... enough anyway so that the conversation could be had and that was always enough... shoot now does anyone really talk about anything real to anyone anymore... i warned ya' i got a lot on my mind...

anyway ~ you know that thing where you don't really see yourself as you are... in the mirror AND i'm not talkin' 'Man in the Mirror' kind of stuff... i mean... really ~ physically... 'cause well for any of my male friends that read this ~ i apologize in advance and you may want to stop reading here... but lately when i have PMS which lasts for about 10 days it seems... not that i'm bitchy or whatever... just well don't touch my chest... and for about five of those 10 days i swear the girls triple in size... and i am honestly in shock that my clothes fit me... and fit me easily even 'cause i feel HUGE and that's what I see in the mirror... now a few of you have seen the picture ~ seriously that is the girl i still see when i look at myself...

so the point here... i probably need more therapy or a labotamy (i don't care if that's not how you spell it...) 'cause it's really starting to just bother me too much... and i know i take good care of myself.... i work out ~ well hello I LOVE my Eliptical... nuff said... i could eat better... but ugh ~ i hate food...

k... i just had to get that out...

In the Land of Women...

great movie... well i enjoyed it anyway... and the reason i left... was so that my daughter would never say to someone ~

"i can't end up like her... she's cold and superficial... i mean she's obsessed with making her life look like a crate and barrell catalog... i don't understand how she doesn't scream every time she looks in a mirror" ~ Lucy

'cause i was headin' THERE... bullet dodged

so... i sat on my couch and watched a movie... might be the first time since i've lived here that i've done this... i typically sit on the coffee table... odd i realize but i can't explain it... it keeps me on my toes

Jordan has... Bronchitis... Toncilitis... Asthma... and Strep.... just YUK is all i have to say about that...

i heart my new dining room set... and my new tv ~ A LOT

i hired a housekeeper... and i am NOT ashamed of that... twice a month... and i get to play with my kids on the weekends i'm not workin' instead of trying to do it all ~ MUCH better plan

ok... that's all for now... OH WAIT... Adam Brody ~ my latest crush... *sigh*

'one man come in the name of love' ~ U2

so every year i re-read it... this year i found something even more special... but i ask you my friends... you know 'the' part but have you ever listened to or read the entire speech... it'll take your breath away....

and i give you the beauty of Mr. King... GOD rest his soul...


I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the "unalienable Rights" of "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds."

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice.

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.

We cannot turn back.

There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. *We cannot be satisfied as long as the negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their self-hood and robbed of their dignity by a sign stating: "For Whites Only."* We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until "justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream."

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. And some of you have come from areas where your quest -- quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive. Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."²

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,

From every mountainside, let freedom ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania. Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.But not only that Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia. Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee. Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!!"

and if that wasn't enough...



'... free at last
they took your life
they COULD NOT take your PRIDE...' ~ U2... Pride

Stay

by Sugarland... go watch the video on YouTube or their myspace... really listen to that song...



Sugarland Lyrics

so i had a NYE do-over...

and it was PERFECT.... well almost perfect

i love Love LOVE Bleu Edmondson Band as I've mentioned here a time or two... the setlist couldn't have been more perfect as they placed 'The Band Played On' which is a favorite and one i haven't heard a lot during the shows i've been to this year...

i'm in a quasi funk these days... which given everything is probably to be expected but i am starting to worry that i'm not gonna get that sparkle back that i was feeling a few weeks ago... i know its a time thing ~ it has to be a time thing...

i am fully entrenched in my new position at work... but the jury is out on how much i love it... i'm going to Atlanta next weekend and hoping to see a dear friend while there...

i still love my elliptical.... i still miss my bwj ~ not decided if i'm going to tell him about the recent events or not... although Jordan talks about it a lot so i guess i'm going to have to... i'm looking forward to Greenfest... Bleu and Drew that doesn't suk at all!!!

that's all i got for now... i'm sure i'll be more inspired soon...

Some Randomness...

* because some have asked ~ we are all physically ok... Jake slept through everything... Jordan is getting the help she'll need to sort out the ugliness... and well i went from numb to pissed off... now i'm just mildly irritated...

* text msgs at 2am make me smile

* bowling rox... especially when there are REALLY large screens projecting football games so that you can bowl, watch football and drink beer all at once ~ ok i put the beer down to actually bowl but you get my point ~ we had A BLAST and it was necessary!!!

* the elliptical is the BEST investment ever HANDS down... i LOVE it.. not only do i love it... but Jake ~ well safe to say at this rate he will be the most in shape seven year old around... and he takes it so seriously 'Mom... give me a minute i'm workin' out here!'

* while the new tv is pretty great... the fact that i was forced into is... takes away some of the shiny

* again i have THE BEST friends a person could ask for... it was a HARD week... but it's over

* Jordan believes Finger on the Trigger is the best song ever written... listening to it this mornin' ~ you know... i don't disagree with that today

Lord sometimes I wonder
if your even there
Cause my burden's backbreakin
it's more than I can bear ~ Brandon Jenkins

of course my faith is still strong... but there are those moments when i'm in the middle of the storm that for a brief moment i wonder if he blinked or something...