when people ask...

why i moved to Texas the natural assumption seems to be.... 'oh is there a guy'

my response is always... 'oh no... i've got two hands and two kids... that's all i can handle'

having said that ~ do i sometimes think it would be nice ~ sure... but then i have a night like tonight ~ JOCELYN STOP READING HERE YOU WILL BE FINE ~ and it feels like the whole evening is full of just constant trials... seeing how far i can be pushed... and i'm not gonna lie i'm exhausted tonight so that makes it worse... but i've tried to keep that in mind when scolding yet ~ if i were the type to compare... which i'm not for the most part... i gave them both a pretty severe warning when they started pushing my buttons early ~ well one got the picture and i really didn't have to say another word... the other one not so much

so when it's quiet and i'm alone with my thoughts in the time that i am usually thinkin' it would be nice to have someone to go over the day... to watch whatever or nothing with... to just bounce life off of ~ on nights like tonight i'm reminded why i will never be able to have that... i can't imagine that anyone would want to be part of this... it's messy on nights like tonight and it makes me uncomfortable because the right thing... is the hard thing and its to stand my ground and explain why bad choices have consequences and no you can't do that because all the behaviors up until this point in time have shown me that you don't deserve it... so if i'm feeling uncomfortable and they are mine... how could i ever think that someone would choose to be part of this...

anyway the conclusion to it all ~ she is a girl... so the guilt is poured on... that's always fun ~ in the end there are tears and there are apologies... attempts at understanding and promises of better days

you know... we haven't had these in a year and a half... i actually moved here to have these kinds of evenings because in the long run... they will be better for them