in an important conversation last week…

a dear friend pointed out that my ‘achilles heal’ is that i truly look for the good in people and can always find it even if i have to overlook a lot of other things… i understood the point he was makin’ in terms of the prices i’ve paid in the past because of this and it’s not something i really even want to change because i don’t want to become any more bitter… skeptical or cynical than i already am

so the reason this quality is my tragic flaw ~ when i am confronted with the blatant ugliness of something i believe in… it HURTS and i am sitting here in complete SHOCK right now

i liked believin’ that we were ‘the cool kids’ and not so much because i have any kind of need to be cool… i’m not even kind of cool… i just believed that we ‘got it’ ~ that even though a vision was forcing change… momentum… growth that was encompassing a much larger audience i believed there were those of us ~ and TRUST me when I say I’m at the back of the pack of those people… i’ve always felt like i was the last to hear the BEST secret ever ~ but i believed there were those of us that you would never leave behind...

i remember back in the beginning of my relationship… throughout our days ~ those of us that believed the most FIRST… we loved sharing our stories of how you made our lives better… of the healing that we felt because of what you sang… i remember one day you showed up at our home ~ one you built for us ~ and i sat paralyzed… in tears at my computer because it was you… and even though there was a computer screen between us… it was the first time i knew for sure we were in the same place…

well at this point that has changed… i have pictures to prove it and even better memories of so many occasions where ~ i got to put another piece of the broken me back right again because of you… is this all too much to put on someone maybe and it’s not really… it was the music so much more than the man… it was the fellowhip with others like me so much more than the man ~ i GET THAT… but for ease of writing something that i need to write but hurts so much…

i hope that the ones that follow you now are as appreciative of what they have ~ we certainly were those of us that are left behind… see i know most of them personally and they are the loves of my life ~ the ones i choose to spend the rest of my life with and our bond was forged out of a common love of you… i understand truly what you mean to them and will forever and that is something that is hard to recreate on this new level with the means that you are choosing to attempt to do that with

for the record i’m not offended… it takes a lot more than a four letter… wait seven letter word to offend me… it’s the shifting tide… the apparent compromise in beliefs… the way I see it… your playing both sides of the fence… on one hand you’ve changed… your more mature… not in college… have a family and that is the reason for the change… and on the other… don’t be offended… it’s a college thing

k… after all this… i will forever love you… i was just telling someone that i miss you… but this morning… this hurt