i don't remember my dreams...

however on a very rare occasion one sneaks through... so apparently i'm so frustrated with current situations... that Survivor America ~ The Farm Edition... is preferable... there were two teams four contestants... meg and i were in charge of the shelter... the women on the other team ~ joc and renee... we sheared sheep for our bedding.... i woke up impressed ~ however we hadn't seen what they had done... joc probably figured out a way for running water and electricity 'cause that's how she is...

i'm still gigglin' about it all

pot stirring vs. drama creating

i have no problem with people who like to 'stir the pot' ~ you know they get you thinking about life and asking questions... important ones about well it can be just about anything... the people who put all of everything out there to be as real and true to themselves as they can be without being concerned with judgements ~ i admire those people a lot

HOWEVER... i have absolutely no patience for people who talk smack just to create drama... so just don't ~ life is hard enough... we all trip occasionally and if we are really lucky ~ as i have been ~ we have an amazing support system around us to soften the fall and lend a hand back up...

i have a huge problem with people who can't move forward and don't believe that others can... no matter how bad a situation is or how harsh our reaction to it... there is always a time when you move forward and leave it behind in our quest to better ourselves and be the best person we possibly can be ~ so just drop it and if you can't see things for how they are today well at the very least admit that you really shouldn't have an opinion because the reality is you just do NOT know

so there is my little 'wrist slap' so it speak.. the next time i won't be so kind

i did try to make it work...

here ~ life that is... tried to push away all that i felt to be real and true... make 'lemonade'... the whole deal... it turned out badly... horrible accusations... impossible situations... and when i looked around i realized that what i was doing that was the worst of it all was betraying myself ~ trying to accept anything less than the best life i can have ~ and for what exactly?

so i'm done with that because at the end of it all when my story is read... i want it to be long... full... true... happy...

i was asked tonight if i would consider a compromise ~ well i've been living a compromise for the better part of my life... following someone else to help make what they thought was their dream come true... believing that at some point it would be my turn ~ sadly realizing no in that situation i wouldn't get a turn... taking that step that i did NOT want to believe in and taking it not so that i could do some great thing for me... taking it just so that i could start to put the pieces of me back together and find who i am again

well here i am... feeling the most whole i have felt in a really REALLY long time... and because i am just me... feeling the guilt that comes along with wanting anything for myself but you know what... i'm not going to let that consume me this time because it will pass and with time the ones that truly care and truly matter... they will be proud

and at the real end of it all... the ones that will fill that final room where they pay tribute to your life... they won't be sad... they won't be crying... they will be laughing and if i get a vote singing... there will be fairy tales... and they will all ring true

'i want you to hear this...'

my dear Christy said to me... we were just hanging out in her apartment when i first got to Austin last Wednesday... i was THRILLED because as i told her i've heard it a million times... love it and had no idea the title... the artist anything... anyway ~ it fits right now...

where do you go with your broken heart in tow
what do you do with the left over you
and how do you know... when to let go
where does the good go
where does the good go

look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
look me in the heart and un break broken, it won't happen

it's love that leaves that breaks the seal
of always thinking you would be
real... happy and healthy
strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go

where do you go when you're in love and the world knows
how do you live so happily while i am sad and broken down
what do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down
where does the good go
where does the good go...

Tegan and Sara ~ Where Does the Good Go... check THEM out!

PTD...

that's Post Texas Depression... and for me it always sets in on Wednesday... i HATE Wednesday and i don't use that word... hate that is...

anyway... i'll be ok

'...thank you for the coffee
a simple conversation
thank you for the light shining in your eyes...' ~ The Coffee Song by Adam Hood

thank you ALL for just more than loving me but TRULY liking me...

Mr. Adam Hood sang a song...

about black sheep last night and while he was singing i got to thinking... i wonder if anyone else feels like that is what this room just might be full of ~ i know i am the black sheep in my family... the eccentric one who follows this stuff she calls 'Texas Music' with friends that she met *gasp* on the internet... i have my own 'beat that i drum to' and i don't hide it... i embrace it... and if you are gonna know anything about me at all... well you get all that right after you find out that my pride and joy are my jordan and jake... it's just that much a part of what makes me me ~ i know i've had similar conversations with my friends so yeah... that song worked for me a lot

OK ~ if i were to read what i'm about to write ~ i would not believe it for a second... i would be certain there was some elements of truth with a whole bunch of embelishment... well i have a room full of witnesses and brandon got some on tape

first of all... wednesday, thursday, friday and saturday ~ all were shiny happy days... the Heiths' are amazing and i'm so blessed to be loved by them... my Gage ~ not even enough or the right words right now... i got to go to Gruene finally... how gorgeous that is... i got kolaches for breakfast... i mended the fence that keeps me sane and feeling whole and loved and safe... i went to Gordo's which is special in a million different ways ~ i heard a 'new to me' band that i now absolutely LOVE ~ Eli Young Band... check THEM out seriously not only great music... but truly a great bunch of people in the band and associated with the band ~ i can never truly extend the gratitude i feel towards them... there was an 80's cover band that made me laugh OUT LOUD... there was not enough time for all that i wanted to see and there never is... i'm working on that... soon all we will have is time ~ there was Wade... there was Stoney the Rockstar... there was Danny... Jesse... Christy... June... AMY!!!... Heather... Renee... Meg... to my surprise Tank... all my old friends that share this love with me... there are new friends... Kathy... Alison... Tater... Erica... because music does what it does to me i feel that there is just never enough time to catch up and get better acquainted with ones you have known of... or been assocated with because of... so i apologize but there are more good times to come ~ I KNOW IT

but Sunday evening... Stoney and Adam Hood... LORD have mercy on me... for me the Sidecar Pub has a magic all its own... it was there two years ago and it was there last night ~ it makes me sad that it is going away ~ but thanks to my pink lady... i will have a piece of it forever ~ the song swap itself was fabulous and i did not move from my spot... well took a tiny potty break... but seriously... those two guys... well Stoney said it best and i'm extending it a bit they both '...act naturally' ~ but my first and forever... dammit love is not the right word... it's Stoney and last night was perfect in a way that only he can provide and here is where my story begins

he stands up... moves his barstool back ~ Tank says to me 'oh it's about to get good... he's drunk now and he just doesn't care' and it starts... 'if i were alone in the desert without a drink of water around...' ~ you could have knocked me over with a feather...

the day that i heard the news that Mr. Keith Whitley died... i was leaving my SATs on my way to a softball playoff game my senior year of high school... for me it's one of those moments... he is one of the all time greats in my opinion and to have Stoney continue and sing...

'tell Lorrie i love her
tell Lorrie i need her
tell Lorrie that everything would be okay
if i could just see her...'

there are truly NO words for that moment of time in my life... i can't begin to describe the feelings standing there listening to him sing that song... redemption comes to mind... he did that last time for me too... made another song one i can listen to again ~ there at that Sidecar Pub

so fast forward to the end of the show... i go back to sit at a table alone and collect myself ~ brandon understood... he commented on the fact that he got that i needed that time... slowly the other seats started to fill... kathy stood next to me ~ still very much in that place that he puts you... her only comment to me 'ok yeah i get it now' ~ yeah told you of course you do... your one of us so you would... sorry 'cause it can be as much of a curse as a blessing sometimes

so out of the corner of my eye... here he comes... and he sits down... at the stool across the table from me... literally the FIRST thing he says... 'i like your necklace... that guitar pick...' ~ 'really cause you gave it to me' ~ the look on his face... i can't truly remember the entire dialog ~ may have something to do with lack of oxygen breathing became impossible... there was definetly a comment about him singing Tell Lorrie I Love Her and he asked or said... are you Lori... yeah... his face had a peace... a look of contentment... i don't know... it was perfect... then he asked me for a cigarette ~ OH I WILL NOW NEVER QUIT SMOKING 'cause yeah... i could give him one... brandon walked by whispered in my ear... don't forget to breath... which was perfect... 'cause it was all stuck and not going in or out at that moment... so i was grateful ~ then as only Stoney can... he started reciting Japanese Hiaku (sp) that he had been working on with Roger Ray's brother... seriously i swear... brandon has this all on film...

If I were alone in the desert
Without a drink of water around
With my knees and hands in that white scorching sand
With the hot Sahara, sun beating down
If I could be granted my wishes
Anything I want would come true
I know that it might sound funny
But here’s what I want you to do

Tell Lorrie I love her
Tell Lorrie I need her
Tell her everything would be ok if
I could just see her
Tell Lorie I love her
Tell Lorie I need her
And If I leave this old world
Tell her she’s the only girl for me

If I were a drift on the ocean
A vessel with no sails or steam
Floating aimlessly on the endless sea
Hopelessly lost it would seem
If all of the fish in the water
Could echo my last dying plea
I know you might not understand it
But here's what I want it to be

Tell Lorrie I love her
Tell Lorrie I need her
Tell her everything would be ok if
I could just see her
Tell Lorrie I love her
Tell Lorrie I need her
And if I leave this old world tell her she’s the only girl for me
And if I leave this old world tell her she’s the only girl for me

thank you Mr. Keith Whitley... and thank you Stoney Larue

i'm safely back...

notice what word i DID NOT use there... k ~ there is so much too say... but i need to organize... however...

it was so good to be loved by all you... i had missed you too much ~ we are going to change that... ok... that's all for now...

delayed due to mechanical failure...

by like two hours... put me in a grumpy mood and i was tired anyway 'cause i had to get up ~ well in the middle of the night really

so i walk off the jetway into the terminal... and Charlie Robison is being played in the terminal... i literally felt the weight of all of everything from the last six months... gone ~ my smile... the real one came back immediately ~ and yeah i'm alright now... PERFECT in fact

i need to live in this place because i have tried others... and i truly DO NOT feel like this anywhere else... i'm my best self HERE

'So who exactly...'

'... is your favorite?'

says my friend to me the other night after i was telling her about Blue October in November... in Montreal on the 10th... in Boston on the 12th... and in Albany on the 16th...

ummm ~ don't make me pick... EVER please 'cause i couldn't ~ it would change constantly depending on my mood... the day of the week... who i just saw live last... who just released a new album i love... there is no ONE... but there are many that suit me perfectly and i'm SO very glad to have found them

for all the naysayers...

Friday the 13th is real... TRUST ME... yesterday was quite possibly the craziest day ~ in a comedy of errors ~ kind of way that i have experienced... well ever

an unscheduled double... a power outage at 6:30 that resulted in the busiest Saturday night that we have had since Christmas week... which lead to a dining room full of hungry... unhappy people when our power went out at 9:30... it was a mess... people where out of control... i am exhausted...

Random...

a customer paid with a BLACK amex tonight... thank you to my obsession with 'The Real Wives of Orange County' prior to that the significance would have been completely lost on me... and yes ~ i'm a loser and googled him

i've been back here over 15 months ~ my ears still 'pop' ~ it might just make me crazy... i'm thinkin' i need to have this checked out

i may have created a bigger Blue October monster than me... 'Lori... they are playing in Montreal that Friday... Boston that Sunday then in Albany on Thursday... we could go to all three shows. You want to do that?' ~ she asks me... do i want to ~ DUH

i watched Coach Carter, Rudy and Friday Night Lights on Thursday last week... Friday Night Lights ~ TWICE even ~ i love the movie channels this time of year... oh and Memoirs of a Geisha was just added to the Starz line up ~ see THIS is in fact what i'm doing when i'm not at work ~ LET THE RECORD SHOW

i don't typically like 'chick' flicks... however ~ and i have said this before The Notebook IS the exception to that rule... my favorite parts 'cause one is us...

Noah to Allie ~ 'Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.

...it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. '

all i have to say is 'Steven Tyler PJ's... Steven Tyler PJ's'

and the other is all i have ever hoped for...

'The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds...'

and this song... just 'sigh' totally get it... somehow the horrid news of late has found it's way into my 'no news' bubble... and it's just weighing heavily on me so ~ yeah for everyone everywhere... my prayer in song for all


Better Days ~ Goo Goo Dolls

and you ask me what i want this year
and i try to make this kind and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'cause i don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and desire and love and empty things
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

so take these words
and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

and it's someplace simple where we could live
and something only you can give
and that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive
and the one poor child that saved this world
and there's ten million more who probably could
if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them
so take these words
and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

i wish everyone was loved tonight
and somehow stop this fight
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

so take these words
and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again...

9 weeks ~ possibly 12...

it doesn't seem like a long time ~ however in two and a half years... i haven't gone much more than a week let alone two to three months without talking to him... in a crowd we probably aren't two you would put together as being close friends... yet just over two years ago a mutual acquaintance sent me a message and that said 'this guy is trying to get his music career going and i think you would like his sound' well that put him and i in touch with each other

since that day it's been quite the friendship no question... one i've come to depend on a lot... he called me one afternoon and said 'i just threw my stuff in the back of my truck ~ i need you to get me from houston to your house' ~ i was living north of Los Angeles at the time... well he came and stayed with my kids and i for a bit... he and my daughter bonded hard ~ he sat with her and tried to teach her some chords on the guitar... he played them bedtime songs before they went to sleep...

when things were at their worst... there were all night phone calls... all day phone calls... sometimes just knowing someone is there... that someone will listen no matter what you have to say is comforting... there was the time when used cars seemed like a good idea... then back to music... we've had power conversations covering everything from why he is convinced i'm a republican (i am NOT) to why you would choose to live with horrific side affects in order to get rid of yellow toe nails (we decided to wear socks)...

he paid me one of the highest compliments i've ever had

'... i wasn't ok where i was ~ i knew i could come here and be okay'

that's all i ever truly want for those i care about is to know... that i'll always do whatever i can to help them be at the very least ok...

so now the decision has been made... the Navy... so boot camp then training and that means... no real contact with civilians for 9-12 weeks... there will be letters delivered via 'snail mail' because it's necessary... but it won't be the same and after our phone conversation today ~ the beginning of 'the wrap' up... it hit me HARD... just what this change means for him... for me... 'cause i can be selfish like that occasionally

mostly... i just hope that through all we have been through... together ~ for each other... that he knows just exactly how PROUD i am of him, where he is going and the choices he has made

i'm just me...

that's it ~ i don't hide much about my character 'cause i don't know how... when i try... i fail miserably anyway... i make mistakes ~ BIG ONES even... i'm human... that's what we do... i take responsiblity for my actions ~ which to some that i have come to know is a lesson still unlearned... i truly TRULY want nothing more than to make those around me happy... to bring smiles and joy to the ones around me ~ if i can help i will... if i love you and you need something if i have it to give its yours... i'm not fake... i hurt... i care... i get tired... i feel alone sometimes... and others i feel so embraced my heart could burst ~ i have not a bit of judgement in my heart ~ even for those who harshly judge me... i'm forgiving... i'm understanding... i'm insecure... i'm a dork... i'm a football fan... i don't like baseball... AT ALL... i find joy in little things... i more than need music... it important to me to LIVE life ~ '... you've reminded me how to live and i've had more fun since we have become friends than i have in years. thank you for your friendship.' ~ a voice mail i got tonight from my dear friend

'I am not perfect... nor do I strive to be...' ~ Justin Furstenfeld

i don't need to be perfect... in the way most view it anyway... i'm appreciated... loved... LIKED... i'm truly ok... just being me

that's it... just needed to put that somewhere

Gisele was whistling 18th Floor Balcony today... THAT is a beautiful thing right there... so i'm just gonna keep on being me