... and you'd have thought i was going home to see my long lost love with the butterflies i had in my stomach ~ it's more than just a truck at this point it's a symbol that i did in fact have this other life at one time ~ it wasn't all just some insane dream...
i had some of the best real conversations this weekend that i've had in quite sometime ~ although i'm in need of face time... the phone is a fabulous thing but it's just not the same at all... anyway we laughed, cried, found out that we have more in common (which i just didn't think possible) and just helped each other feel whole again ~ not sure if he knew he was doing that for me and i know he doesn't think he's anywhere near whole yet... but baby steps ~ that's what it's all about
so i'm going to take my little 'Thomas the Train' and my 'Charmed Vampire' out Trick or Treating tonight in my truck
oh, Oh, OH... when i got in... THIS was playing... talk about PERFECT
Light on the Stage ~ Cory Morrow
'... i took my last dollar made some change and i called a friend
he said thats no problem pal you know we'd love to take you in
so he helped me through my trials with some peace from the lord above
next thing i know i'm on the stage doing everything that i'd dreamed of
now it seems that i am the light on the stage...'
Now it seems that we are the lights on the stage
Monday, October 31, 2005
Sunday, October 30, 2005
My smile yesterday...
came from running into ~ almost literally ~ my bestfriend from High School... we haven't seen each other in over five years and being back has obviously made me think a lot about him...
The two of us got ourselves into some of the dumbest situations two people could come up with ~ however we never got in trouble and we always ended up laughing like crazy when it was over... I have missed him and wondered where in this big world the Army had taken him ~ well turns out here ~ he's a recruiter and will spend the last five years of his enlistment before retiring here in town so we have promised to get together soon and catch up... his son and mine are the same age how great it would be if the next generation walked a similar path as ours and they grew to be great friends as well...
After our sophomore year we went to camp together... my favorite song that summer ~ drove him crazy 'cause he had to hear it over and over and OVER again... which reminds me at camp we played the largest game of duck, duck, goose ever and the clutz i am fell well we hadn't had a lot of rain that summer so the grass was dry... i more slid than fell i guess and it took all the skin off my leg ~ the nurse at the camp took me to the local hospital ~ i know but it was really that bad ~ i got back later that night and he was there playing this song waiting for me and worried...
Take It To the Limit ~ Eagles
"and when you’re looking for your freedom
nobody seems to care
and you can’t find the door
can’t find it anywhere
when there’s nothing to believe in
still you’re coming back, you’re running back
you’re coming back for more
so put me on a highway
and show me a sign
and take it to the limit one more time"
The two of us got ourselves into some of the dumbest situations two people could come up with ~ however we never got in trouble and we always ended up laughing like crazy when it was over... I have missed him and wondered where in this big world the Army had taken him ~ well turns out here ~ he's a recruiter and will spend the last five years of his enlistment before retiring here in town so we have promised to get together soon and catch up... his son and mine are the same age how great it would be if the next generation walked a similar path as ours and they grew to be great friends as well...
After our sophomore year we went to camp together... my favorite song that summer ~ drove him crazy 'cause he had to hear it over and over and OVER again... which reminds me at camp we played the largest game of duck, duck, goose ever and the clutz i am fell well we hadn't had a lot of rain that summer so the grass was dry... i more slid than fell i guess and it took all the skin off my leg ~ the nurse at the camp took me to the local hospital ~ i know but it was really that bad ~ i got back later that night and he was there playing this song waiting for me and worried...
Take It To the Limit ~ Eagles
"and when you’re looking for your freedom
nobody seems to care
and you can’t find the door
can’t find it anywhere
when there’s nothing to believe in
still you’re coming back, you’re running back
you’re coming back for more
so put me on a highway
and show me a sign
and take it to the limit one more time"
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Phrases that make me squirm...
'How are you?' ~ ever notice that most don't pay attention to the answer or really wanted to know to begin with
'Fine' ~ a cop out answer.... what exactly does that mean and there is usually a lot of negativity behind it if you really listen
'Sure' ~ no, no, no... please it's so very non-committal
'Sorry' ~ the singular most over used word in my opinion and not truly meant most of the time it's said
'It's gonna be ok...' ~ the dreaded ok a very good friend pointed out that ok isn't cutting it and don't we deserve to be better than ok
'I love you' ~ the power of those three words has been reduced drastically in my world ~ for the most part there are very few that use them that i actually believe... there are some that when they say it i remember exactly the date, time, minute, circumstances, etc... because even though i know for so many other reasons that they do love me... it is not something i hear often from them ~ it used to be such a sacred thing to tell someone you love them... now ~ well another friend who articulates much better than i do said it best... 'We are in a world of watered down i love you's' ~ and think about this ~ if that's true ~ what do you say to the one that makes you feel like the world is new again and all is going to be shinier, sweeter, warmer, prettier, livelier... etc you get my point i think
OAR was in my player today and this hit a chord with me... so after being a bit preachy... here you go
Ran Away To the Top of the World Today ~ OAR
'well i've been thinking and losing lots of sleep
my life is getting longer, winter snow come kinda deep
but i keep my feet on strong, i’m moving right along
but i haven’t seen a thing, so that’s all I can know
'cause i don't know nothing, and y’all don't know a thing
but if we just keep on listening, together we'll sing'
'Fine' ~ a cop out answer.... what exactly does that mean and there is usually a lot of negativity behind it if you really listen
'Sure' ~ no, no, no... please it's so very non-committal
'Sorry' ~ the singular most over used word in my opinion and not truly meant most of the time it's said
'It's gonna be ok...' ~ the dreaded ok a very good friend pointed out that ok isn't cutting it and don't we deserve to be better than ok
'I love you' ~ the power of those three words has been reduced drastically in my world ~ for the most part there are very few that use them that i actually believe... there are some that when they say it i remember exactly the date, time, minute, circumstances, etc... because even though i know for so many other reasons that they do love me... it is not something i hear often from them ~ it used to be such a sacred thing to tell someone you love them... now ~ well another friend who articulates much better than i do said it best... 'We are in a world of watered down i love you's' ~ and think about this ~ if that's true ~ what do you say to the one that makes you feel like the world is new again and all is going to be shinier, sweeter, warmer, prettier, livelier... etc you get my point i think
OAR was in my player today and this hit a chord with me... so after being a bit preachy... here you go
Ran Away To the Top of the World Today ~ OAR
'well i've been thinking and losing lots of sleep
my life is getting longer, winter snow come kinda deep
but i keep my feet on strong, i’m moving right along
but i haven’t seen a thing, so that’s all I can know
'cause i don't know nothing, and y’all don't know a thing
but if we just keep on listening, together we'll sing'
Sunday, October 23, 2005
and so it begins...
i was awakened this morning by 'Oh My Goodness... I can't believe my eyes ~ what is ~ is that really SNOW?'
and truly so glad to have my four year old's perspective otherwise... well UGH comes to mind
and truly so glad to have my four year old's perspective otherwise... well UGH comes to mind
Friday, October 21, 2005
Because I've lost touch...
with me so here we go...
1. i was born in New England.
2. a small town in Massachusetts
3. i lived in Vermont until i was 18
4. i grew up in Virginia
5. got my heart broke in California
6. was made whole again in Texas
7. i have hazel eyes
8. i don't like them ~ that's not a color
9. i've never had a nickname but those who are closest call me Lor
10. i trust too easily
11. until you burn me... then i'll never trust you again
12. i never capitalize i ~ it's a self esteem thing i'm sure
13. i used to be really fat
14. i was hiding
15. now i’m cold
16. i gave birth to the two people i have the most fun with
17. one of my most favorite things to do walk in the woods
18. with my dog
19. i am consistently 30 minutes late ~ except to work
20. if you really want to understand me listen to my iPod
21. i love soap operas... my life seems manageable in comparison
22. i'm living "in love"
23. but i'll never marry again
24. and i am fine with that.
25. i need music more than food, as much as air or water
26. until five months ago i didn’t think i needed another human being
27. now that need terrifies me
28. i’ve been a disappointment to every person that has ever cared about me
29. i’m trying to fix that now
30. it’s the hardest thing i’ve ever done
31. Archie Bunker makes me laugh.
32. Justin Furstenfeld makes me feel alive.
33. Harry Chapin makes me cry
34. Pat Green makes me smile
35. Rob Thomas keeps me sane
36. Walt Wilkins makes me feel understood.
37. Stoney Larue makes me feel naked.
38. Bleu Edmondson sings my song.
39. he didn’t even know me when he wrote it
40. i say i don’t like sports ‘cause i can’t handle the heartbreak that accompanies being a sports fan
41. i don’t like food
42. yet i love serving others their food
43. i like beer
44. i like to smoke ~ i know i’m sorry but i’m being honest
45. i can’t dance
46. i love to sing
47. but not in public
48. i am a true Gemini
49. the Full Moon makes me MORE hyper
50. i have only truly felt home in two places in my life
51. neither are where i live
52. i am very lucky that my forever friend loves me ~ in spite of me
53. i took medication to try and calm a monster inside me
54. i think it fed it
55. now i calm the monster inside me
56. most of the time
57. for the first time in my life i have real ‘girlfriends’
58. i miss them every day
59. i don’t think i’ll ever want to go to college
60. i am terrified of islands
61. before the tsunami i always called it an irrational fear
62. i love to read
63. i don’t get to do it enough
64. i’m jealous of those who write well
65. when i’m frustrated i have a terrible time articulating my feelings
66. i have days where i trip over the air in the room
67. i have days where i walk on air
68. i’d rather always just always feel the ground firm beneath my feet
69. i used to think my passion for music was unnatural
70. i know that i was wrong
71. i wish some of those around me would understand that
72. i’ve been told by too many that i have nice feet
73. i don’t like people looking at my feet or any other part of me for that matter
74. they are average and they are real
75. no NOT my feet
76. Green is my favorite color ~ every shade
77. Red is unnerving
78. i assign colors to everything
79. i can give advice but only if I think you’ll really hear it
80. i should take most of my own advice
81. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday
82. St. Patrick’s Day is a very close second
83. i don’t like Christmas at all
84. Clay Pigeons is the most real song i’ve heard in a long time
85. i have no patience
86. Gage is really good at being a best friend
87. i’m glad he picked me
88. Caller Id is the best invention of the modern era
89. i like to drive
90. long distances with the music up loud to clear my head
91. i am not at all crafty
92. i like doing laundry
93. i don’t like doing dishes
94. i work out hard because in my life the shape of my body is all I feel in control of
95. i live in Vermont again
96. i’m grateful that I have a place to live where I am safe
97. i have no life here
98. i will leave again
99. i want to live in Texas
100. and not just for the music
1. i was born in New England.
2. a small town in Massachusetts
3. i lived in Vermont until i was 18
4. i grew up in Virginia
5. got my heart broke in California
6. was made whole again in Texas
7. i have hazel eyes
8. i don't like them ~ that's not a color
9. i've never had a nickname but those who are closest call me Lor
10. i trust too easily
11. until you burn me... then i'll never trust you again
12. i never capitalize i ~ it's a self esteem thing i'm sure
13. i used to be really fat
14. i was hiding
15. now i’m cold
16. i gave birth to the two people i have the most fun with
17. one of my most favorite things to do walk in the woods
18. with my dog
19. i am consistently 30 minutes late ~ except to work
20. if you really want to understand me listen to my iPod
21. i love soap operas... my life seems manageable in comparison
22. i'm living "in love"
23. but i'll never marry again
24. and i am fine with that.
25. i need music more than food, as much as air or water
26. until five months ago i didn’t think i needed another human being
27. now that need terrifies me
28. i’ve been a disappointment to every person that has ever cared about me
29. i’m trying to fix that now
30. it’s the hardest thing i’ve ever done
31. Archie Bunker makes me laugh.
32. Justin Furstenfeld makes me feel alive.
33. Harry Chapin makes me cry
34. Pat Green makes me smile
35. Rob Thomas keeps me sane
36. Walt Wilkins makes me feel understood.
37. Stoney Larue makes me feel naked.
38. Bleu Edmondson sings my song.
39. he didn’t even know me when he wrote it
40. i say i don’t like sports ‘cause i can’t handle the heartbreak that accompanies being a sports fan
41. i don’t like food
42. yet i love serving others their food
43. i like beer
44. i like to smoke ~ i know i’m sorry but i’m being honest
45. i can’t dance
46. i love to sing
47. but not in public
48. i am a true Gemini
49. the Full Moon makes me MORE hyper
50. i have only truly felt home in two places in my life
51. neither are where i live
52. i am very lucky that my forever friend loves me ~ in spite of me
53. i took medication to try and calm a monster inside me
54. i think it fed it
55. now i calm the monster inside me
56. most of the time
57. for the first time in my life i have real ‘girlfriends’
58. i miss them every day
59. i don’t think i’ll ever want to go to college
60. i am terrified of islands
61. before the tsunami i always called it an irrational fear
62. i love to read
63. i don’t get to do it enough
64. i’m jealous of those who write well
65. when i’m frustrated i have a terrible time articulating my feelings
66. i have days where i trip over the air in the room
67. i have days where i walk on air
68. i’d rather always just always feel the ground firm beneath my feet
69. i used to think my passion for music was unnatural
70. i know that i was wrong
71. i wish some of those around me would understand that
72. i’ve been told by too many that i have nice feet
73. i don’t like people looking at my feet or any other part of me for that matter
74. they are average and they are real
75. no NOT my feet
76. Green is my favorite color ~ every shade
77. Red is unnerving
78. i assign colors to everything
79. i can give advice but only if I think you’ll really hear it
80. i should take most of my own advice
81. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday
82. St. Patrick’s Day is a very close second
83. i don’t like Christmas at all
84. Clay Pigeons is the most real song i’ve heard in a long time
85. i have no patience
86. Gage is really good at being a best friend
87. i’m glad he picked me
88. Caller Id is the best invention of the modern era
89. i like to drive
90. long distances with the music up loud to clear my head
91. i am not at all crafty
92. i like doing laundry
93. i don’t like doing dishes
94. i work out hard because in my life the shape of my body is all I feel in control of
95. i live in Vermont again
96. i’m grateful that I have a place to live where I am safe
97. i have no life here
98. i will leave again
99. i want to live in Texas
100. and not just for the music
Thursday, October 20, 2005
It's stopped raining...
after something like 15 days mind you ~ the sun is shining, there is tons of blue sky....
AND THE ASTROS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES
a coincidence ~ i think not
AND THE ASTROS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES
a coincidence ~ i think not
Saturday, October 15, 2005
"Some kind of light at the end..."
March will not be here fast enough and I'm not one to wish time away... but seriously this new album is going to be fabulous ~ if you read my blog and don't know Blue October ~ i believe you will after this release...
this is from 'You Make Me Smile' ~ and they i fact do make me smile, dance, cry
"Could you be the one who's not afraid
To look me in the eye
I swear that I'd collapse
If I told you, how I think you fell
From the sky"
this is from 'You Make Me Smile' ~ and they i fact do make me smile, dance, cry
"Could you be the one who's not afraid
To look me in the eye
I swear that I'd collapse
If I told you, how I think you fell
From the sky"
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Kingdom of Heaven
is just beautiful ~ if you like epic pictures... ones that make you think and feel... i recommend this one... and Orlando Bloom for over two hours just doesn't hurt either ~
"What man is a man who does not make the world better?" ~ Balian of Ibelin
"What man is a man who does not make the world better?" ~ Balian of Ibelin
I'm bored...
and tired with not a lot to say... so stealing this from two of my favorite women in the world...
Current Last and First
CURRENT
current mood: see blog title
current music: something Blue or Bleu or Green
current clothing: sweats
current hair: bedhead
current food: not hungry lately NO appetite really at all
current drink: COKE ZERO
current smell: Ginger and Citrus
current worry: no worries
current annoyance: no call waiting
current hate: five thirty
current love: MUSIC
current crush: cans for recycling
current obsession: socks
current wish: Peace... all kinds
current longing: warmth
current plans for tonight: Kingdom of Heaven and sleeping (see above)
current thing you should be doing: treadmill... it can wait 'til i'm done
current regret: None... look only forward never back
current lyric stuck in head: "... hate me for all the things i didn't do for you...' ~ Blue October
current book: "Second Summer of the Sisterhood" by Ann Brashares
current favorite book: "The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe" by C.S. Lewis
current TV show you're watching: none
current favorite band: Blue October
current favorite movie: Spanglish
current person you're talking to: no one
current avoidance: Chocolate
current jewelry: my middle finger ring, my thumb ring, my affirmation charm necklace and my Breathe bracelet and my YOLO bracelet
LAST
last movie watched: As Good As it Gets
last tv show watched: part of the Astros game
last cd listened to: Jason Boland and the Stragglers Live a Billy Bob's
last thing eaten: Peanut Butter and Fluff
last item you bought: Ice Cream for my kids
last store you went to: downtown General Store
last person talked to: Jake
last thing you said: "I'm gonna go upstairs and lie down, come get me if you need anything."
last ice cream eaten: Blue Bell's Praline Pecan or something like that... i don't remember the exact name
last soda drank: Coke Zero
last person you called: Daniel
last person that called you: the kid's dad
last time showered: Yesterday morning
last shoes worn: Black Merrell's
last website visited: www.ceruleanblue.blogspot.com
last cry: last Wednesday... all day... too much freakin DRAMA
last relationship: don't want to talk about it
last person told secret to: Meg
FIRST
first memory: playing with a clown punching bag in footed pajamas
first best friend: Heather Husted she still lives near here but i haven't seen or talked to her in 13 years
first boyfriend/girlfriend: oh my lord... Joel
first breakup: See above
first job: packing candy at the sugar house with my pop
first self purchased item: i'm sure it was an album
first funeral: Karl's last December
first love: Jordan... she taught me true unconditional love
first credit card: Visa
first time on a plane: Going to the Jersey shore with first bestfriend the summer i was 10
first time out of the country: Canada in 7th Grade i think... i may have been before that even
first detention: Middle School.. what a rebel... got it for chewing gum in class
first fight: if you mean physical... i've never really been in one
first enemy: Melanie was just really mean in elementary
first kiss: seriously don't remember... that kind of sux... lol
Current Last and First
CURRENT
current mood: see blog title
current music: something Blue or Bleu or Green
current clothing: sweats
current hair: bedhead
current food: not hungry lately NO appetite really at all
current drink: COKE ZERO
current smell: Ginger and Citrus
current worry: no worries
current annoyance: no call waiting
current hate: five thirty
current love: MUSIC
current crush: cans for recycling
current obsession: socks
current wish: Peace... all kinds
current longing: warmth
current plans for tonight: Kingdom of Heaven and sleeping (see above)
current thing you should be doing: treadmill... it can wait 'til i'm done
current regret: None... look only forward never back
current lyric stuck in head: "... hate me for all the things i didn't do for you...' ~ Blue October
current book: "Second Summer of the Sisterhood" by Ann Brashares
current favorite book: "The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe" by C.S. Lewis
current TV show you're watching: none
current favorite band: Blue October
current favorite movie: Spanglish
current person you're talking to: no one
current avoidance: Chocolate
current jewelry: my middle finger ring, my thumb ring, my affirmation charm necklace and my Breathe bracelet and my YOLO bracelet
LAST
last movie watched: As Good As it Gets
last tv show watched: part of the Astros game
last cd listened to: Jason Boland and the Stragglers Live a Billy Bob's
last thing eaten: Peanut Butter and Fluff
last item you bought: Ice Cream for my kids
last store you went to: downtown General Store
last person talked to: Jake
last thing you said: "I'm gonna go upstairs and lie down, come get me if you need anything."
last ice cream eaten: Blue Bell's Praline Pecan or something like that... i don't remember the exact name
last soda drank: Coke Zero
last person you called: Daniel
last person that called you: the kid's dad
last time showered: Yesterday morning
last shoes worn: Black Merrell's
last website visited: www.ceruleanblue.blogspot.com
last cry: last Wednesday... all day... too much freakin DRAMA
last relationship: don't want to talk about it
last person told secret to: Meg
FIRST
first memory: playing with a clown punching bag in footed pajamas
first best friend: Heather Husted she still lives near here but i haven't seen or talked to her in 13 years
first boyfriend/girlfriend: oh my lord... Joel
first breakup: See above
first job: packing candy at the sugar house with my pop
first self purchased item: i'm sure it was an album
first funeral: Karl's last December
first love: Jordan... she taught me true unconditional love
first credit card: Visa
first time on a plane: Going to the Jersey shore with first bestfriend the summer i was 10
first time out of the country: Canada in 7th Grade i think... i may have been before that even
first detention: Middle School.. what a rebel... got it for chewing gum in class
first fight: if you mean physical... i've never really been in one
first enemy: Melanie was just really mean in elementary
first kiss: seriously don't remember... that kind of sux... lol
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
"Sometimes you need..."
"... to mend the fences of your mind." ~ Jason Boland
yes you in fact do... and your music has helped me in that process of my own ~ sending up prayers for you and yours in your time of reflection, regrouping and repair.
yes you in fact do... and your music has helped me in that process of my own ~ sending up prayers for you and yours in your time of reflection, regrouping and repair.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Definition of a good weekend...
Lunch with one of my best friends...
a great dinner shift...
a FABULOUS lunch shift...
Colts win
Astros win
Cowboys win...
ok... it's all good right now!
a great dinner shift...
a FABULOUS lunch shift...
Colts win
Astros win
Cowboys win...
ok... it's all good right now!
Thursday, October 06, 2005
I'm just not confrontational...
and there is in fact a reason ~ i suck at it... i'd much rather be frustrated and angry but keep it to myself than feel like i'm hurting someone no matter who they are... i've now confronted two people in the last year because it was important to someone i love... you would think i'd get better at it but no... not so much ~ that nasty ill feeling still shows up
i have lost something special now because of the recent confrontation ~ a home i once had now feels uncomfortable and i know that i'm just not welcome anymore... as with all things in my life i never stay anywhere too long ~ i come away with a lot of positives i believe and i'll visit occasionally i'm sure there are many things that are still extremely important to me... but i will not be the fixture that i once was
i watched House of D today ~ GREAT FLICK... the idea that if you love something set it free... especially if you know the loved one is going somewhere you can't follow and you don't want to hold them back ~ that hit close to my heart...
Sweet Melissa ~ written by the Allman Brothers performed fabulously by Stoney Larue
'Crossroads, seem to come and go, yeah.
the gypsy flies from coast to coast
knowing many, loving none,
Bearing sorrow havin’ fun...'
i have lost something special now because of the recent confrontation ~ a home i once had now feels uncomfortable and i know that i'm just not welcome anymore... as with all things in my life i never stay anywhere too long ~ i come away with a lot of positives i believe and i'll visit occasionally i'm sure there are many things that are still extremely important to me... but i will not be the fixture that i once was
i watched House of D today ~ GREAT FLICK... the idea that if you love something set it free... especially if you know the loved one is going somewhere you can't follow and you don't want to hold them back ~ that hit close to my heart...
Sweet Melissa ~ written by the Allman Brothers performed fabulously by Stoney Larue
'Crossroads, seem to come and go, yeah.
the gypsy flies from coast to coast
knowing many, loving none,
Bearing sorrow havin’ fun...'
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