change in plans...

given some of my posts lately this may not come as a big shock... the aforementioned move is now not going to happen... before anyone worries for even a second ~ i'm doing very well with this decision...

look at it like this... in a new place where i know absolutely no one... who would stay with child a while i'm taking child b to the er at 2am... AND who would hold my hand in the er while i'm freaking out about child b...

that was the final straw even though the camel's back had been in serious pain for a few weeks before that

so for those of you desiring 'lori time' might i suggest October... the Fall Foliage is just absolutely breathtaking... and by then i may be in my own space and can be a proper hostess... although if it's needed soon... brandon... jocelyn... gage... they can all tell you that my family is extremely hospitable and will welcome any and all with open arms

so we walk into McDonald's

and Billy Joel's Piano Man is playing on the radio... oh wait... to put it into perspective we were in TIMES SQUARE.... seriously it was a perfect moment for me

which is my point... i had about a thousand perfect moments in the last week and now that i'm slowing down the memories are flooding me

i gave Justin an 'ounce of peace' ~ ok... so Gage gave it to him for me... but it's the thought and i've wanted that to happen since i first heard the lyric... '...an ounce of peace is all i want for you will you never call again...'

so my forever friend and my best friend bonded ~ THAT MAKES ME SMILE HUGE... i have created a musical monster in my newest closest friend... but that was necessary i could only handle so much more baseball conversation

my kids and Gage got along fantastically which makes me so happy... i just feel completely content at this very moment... i apologize Gage for all the times in the last week that i pissed you off but i don't even remember them and the whys or the hows or whatever... it was just a perfect PERFECT week.... and i love you my dear friend

and have i mentioned that Blue October live is my new HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY place...

ok... that's all i got for now... hope all that i have not been in touch with for being stupid busy are happy and having a fantabulous summer!

NYC

let me just type that one more time...

NYC baby ~ oh my holy HECK... oh ANNNNNDDDD...... Gage....

oh and a little band i've mentioned ~ Blue October

there aren't words... i'm still flying from it all ~ Times Square is beautiful at 3am... Ground Zero makes you feel just exactly how you would think it would... TGIFridays is expensive as hell

and Justin Furstenfeld is without even a hesitation the best performer ever ~ EVER... well in my world anyway... being front and center for the entire performance... sharing it with a veteran and a virgin that isn't even a music lover ~ who five minutes into it said 'I'm fuckin' going on Friday too.' ~ was the icing on the proverbial cake

we drove by CBGB... i punched Gage... didn't mean to hurt him ~ i just get a little excitable

i saw Herald Square... 'Give my regards to Broadway...' it was lost on my two pals... but i was smilin' big HUGE CHEEK Bustin.... i'm absolutely IN LOVE WITH NYC

so ER visits...

with five year olds all night long... suk ~ in case anyone wondered ~ he's much better but for about five hours there was the possiblity of surgery and anesthesia and that put sheer terror inside my heart...

my mom sat with us ~ thank you... and thank the lord for my three dear friends that didn't sleep all night right along with me... checkin' in makin' sure i was holdin' on to some semblance of sanity... it wasn't easy but we made it

he has a virus that inflammed his lymph nodes and that was causing him severe pain... unfortunately it just has to work it's way out of him... but he's already this evening looking more like himself and eating a bit... now i need some sleep

three things that made me smile...

Dierks Bentley talking about his 'friend' Stoney Larue on CMT...

half a dozen white roses from the new love of my life ~ my son's five year old best friend Ethan who said he got them for me 'Because your beautiful Lori...'

and 'Don't say that around me again ~ it's was from someone that hurt you and i don't want to be associated with someone that would ever hurt you.'

how much do i love my HayJay...

so much ~ she posted this just exactly when i needed to read it and i'm now sharing it with you!

The Man Who Didn't Believe in Love

"I want to tell you a very old story about the man who didn't believe in love. This was an ordinary man just like you and me, but what made this man special was his way of thinking. He thought love doesn't exist. Of course, he had a lot of experience trying to find love, and he had observed the people around him. Much of his life had been spent searching for love, only to find it didn't exist.

Wherever this man went, he used to tell people that love is nothing but an invention of the poets, an invention of religions just to manipulate the weak mind of humans, to make them believe. He said that love is not real, and that's why no human could ever find love even though he might look for it.

This man was highly intelligent, and he was very convincing. He read a lot of books, he went to the best universities, and he became a respected scholar. He could stand in any public place, in front of any kind of people, and his logic was very strong. What he said was that love is just like a drug; it makes you very high, but it creates a strong need. You can become highly addicted to love, but what happens when you don't receive your daily doses of love? Just like a drug, you need your everyday doses.

He used to say that most relationships between lovers are just like a relationship between a drug addict and the one who provides the drugs. The one who has the biggest need is like the drug addict; the one who has a little need is like the provider. The one who has the little need is the one who controls the whole relationship. You can see this dynamic so clearly because usually in every relationship there is one who loves the most and the other who doesn't love, who only takes advantage of the one who gives his or her heart. You can see the way they manipulate each other, their actions and reactions, and they are just like the provider and the drug addict.

The drug addict, the one who has the biggest need, lives in constant fear that perhaps he will not be able to get the next dosage of love, or the drug. The drug addict thinks, "What am I going to do if she leaves me?": That fear makes the drug addict very possessive. "That's mine!" The addict becomes jealous and demanding, because the fear of not having the next dosage. The provider can control and manipulate the one who needs the drug by giving more doses, fewer doses, or no doses at all. The one who has the biggest need completely surrenders and will do whatever he can to avoid being abandoned.

The man went on explaining to everyone why love doesn't exist. "What humans call 'love' is nothing but a fear-relationship based on control. Where is the respect? Where is the love they claim to have? There is no love. Young couples, in front of the representation of God, in front of their family and friends, make a lot of promises to each other: to live together forever, to love and respect each other, to be there for each other through the good times and the bad times. They promise to love and honor each other, and make promises and more promises. What is amazing is that they really believe these promises. But after the marriage---one week later, a month later, a few months later--- you can see that none of these promises are kept.

"What you find is a war of control to see who will manipulate whom. Who will be the provider, and who will have the addiction? You find that a few months later, the respect they swear to have for each other is gone. You can see the resentment, the emotional poison, how they hurt each other, little by little, and it grows and grows, until they don't know when the love stops. They stay together because they are afraid to be alone, afraid of the opinions and judgements of others, and also afraid of their own judgements and opinions. But where is the love?"

He used to claim that he saw many old couples that had lived together thirty years, forty years, fifty years, and they were so proud to have lived together all those years. But when they talked about their relationship, what they said was, "We survived the matrimony." That means one of them surrendered to the other; at a certain time, she gave up and decided to endure the suffering. The one with the strongest will and less need won the war, but where is that flame they call love? They treat each other like a possession. "She is mine." "He is mine."

The man went on and on about all the reasons why he believed love doesn't exist, and he told others, "I have done all that already. I will no longer allow anyone to manipulate my mind and control my life in the name of love." His arguments were quite logical, and he convinced many people by all his words. "Love doesn't exist."

Then one day this man was walking in a park, and there on a bench was a beautiful lady who was crying. When he saw her crying, he felt curiosity. Sitting beside her, he asked if he could help her. He asked why she was crying. You can imagine his surprise when she told him she was crying because love doesn't exist. He said, "This is amazing---a woman who believes that love doesn't exist!" Of course, he wanted to know more about her.

"Why do you say that love doesn't exist?" he asked.

"Well, it's a long story," she replied. "I married when I was very young, with all the love, all these illusions, full of hope that I would share my life with this man. We swore to each other our loyalty, respect, and honor, and we created a family. But soon everything changed. I was the devoted wife who took care of the children and the home. My husband continued to develop his career, and his success and image outside of home was more important to him than our family. He lost respect for me, and I lost respect for him. We hurt each other, and at a certain point I discovered that I didn't love him and he didn't love me either.

"But the children needed a father, and that was my excuse to stay and to do whatever I could to support him. Now the children are grown and they have left. I no longer have any excuse to stay with him. There's no respect, there's no kindness. I know that even if I find someone else, it's going to be the same, because love doesn't exist. There is no sense to look around for something that doesn't exist. That is why I am crying."

Understanding her very well, he embraced her and said, "You are right; love doesn't exist. We look for love, we open our heart and we become vulnerable, just to find selfishness. That hurts us even if we don't think we will be hurt. It doesn't matter how many relationships we have; the same thing happens again and again. Why even search for love any longer?"

They were so much alike, and they became the best friends ever. It was a wonderful relationship. They respected each other, and they never put each other down. With every step they took together, they were happy. There was no envy or jealousy, there was no control, there was no possessiveness. The relationship kept growing and growing. They loved to be together, because when they were together they had a lot of fun. When they were not together, they missed each other.

One day when the man was out of town, he had the weirdest idea. He was thinking, "Hmm...maybe what I feel for her is love. But this is so different from what I have ever felt before. It's not what the poets say it is, it's not what religions says, because I am not responsible for her. I don't take anything from her; I don't have the need for her to take care of me; I don't need to blame her for my difficulties or take my dramas to her. We have the best time together; we enjoy each other. I respect the way she thinks, the way she feels. She doesn't embarass me; she doesn't bother me at all. I don't feel jealous when she's with other people; I don't feel envy when she is successful. Perhaps love does exist, but it's not what everyone thinks love is."

He could hardly wait to go back home and talk to her, to let her know about his weird idea. As soon as he started talking, she said, "I know exactly what you are talking about. I had the same idea long ago, but I didn't want to share it with you because I know you don't believe in love. Perhaps love does exist, but it isn't what we thought it was." They decided to become lovers and to live together, and it was amazing that things didn't change. They still respected each other, they were still supportive of each other, and the love grew more and more. Even the simplest things made their hearts sing with love because they were so happy.

"The man's heart was so full with all the love he felt that one night a great miracle happened. He was looking at the stars and he found the most beautiful one, and his love was so big that the star started coming down from the sky and soon that star was in his hands. Then a second miracle happened, and his soul merged with that star. He was intensely happy, and he could hardly wait to go to the woman and put that star in her hands to prove his love for her. As soon as he put the star in her hands, she felt a moment of doubt. This love was overwhelming, and in that moment, the star fell from her hands and broke in a million little pieces.

Now there is an old man walking around the world swearing that love doesn't exist. And there is a beautiful old woman at home waiting for a man, shedding a tear for a paradise that once she had in her hands, but for one moment of doubt, she let it go. This is the story about the man who didn't believe in love.

Who made the mistake? Do you want to guess what went wrong? The mistake was on the man's part in thinking he could give the woman his happiness. The star was his happiness, and his mistake was to put his happiness in her hands. Happiness never comes from outside of us. He was happy because of the love coming out of him; she was happy because of the love coming out of her. But as soon as he made her responsible for his happiness, she broke the star because she could not be responsible for his happiness.

No matter how much the woman loved him, she could never make him happy because she could never know what he had in his mind. She could never know what his expectations were, because she could not know his dreams.

If you take your happiness and put it in someone's hands, sooner or later, she is going to break it. If you give your happiness to someone else, she can always take it away. Then if happiness can only come from inside of you and is the result of your love, you are responsible for your happiness. We can never make anyone responsible for our own happiness, but when we go to the church to get married, the first thing we do is exchange rings. We put our star in each other's hands, expecting that she is going to make you happy, and you are going to make her happy. It doesn't matter how much you love someone, you are never going to be what that person wants you to be.

That is the mistake most of us make right from the beginning. We base our happiness on our partner, and it doesn't work that way. We make all those promises that we cannot keep, and we set ourselves up to fail."

~Don Miguel Ruiz, "Mastery of Love"

All American Rejects...

'...when all you got to keep is strong
move along... move along like i know you do
and even when your hope is gone
move along... move along just to make it through...'

i just LOVE that right now....

oh and this too

'...another day and you've had your fill of sinking
with the life held in your
hands are shaking cold
these hands are meant to hold...' ~

when the line is crossed...

and i don't have a lot of them... i'm not at all judgemental... i get that people have vices and issues and that we are all just a little bit crazy... as long as you aren't hurting me or anyone that i love... i'll give my opinion on certain behaviors but it won't cause me to change how i feel about someone because of choices they make for themselves...

having said all that ~ i have one... and it's pretty strict and i'm very sensitive about it and pretty much everyone that knows me well... knows about it ~ it's nothing complicated or even out of the ordinary... but it's more of a brick wall than a line even ~ that's how strongly i feel about it

so my question to those that love me and maybe those that don't even really know me... if such a line is breached... and breached by the one that claims to love you... how do you fix that... is there something that can be said or done to make it better 'cause see in my mind right now... it's there... and no apology or justification could take it away... it will always be there ~ and that hurts A LOT... so the floor is open 'cause i'm struggling a lot and any advice or words of wisdom are totally appreciated... thank you

Define Perfect...

that's what my lovely Sara said ~ ok... since you asked... Perfect to me... is at the end of the day... despite all the imperfections that get thrown at you... you are able to close your eyes with a smile on your face because it is what it is and most of it doesn't even matter in the big picture anyway... that to me is perfection

some words of advice...

if you are going to ask a hard question... be sure that you are truly prepared for the answer as it may be harder than you think...

'i don't want the world to see me
'cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am...' ~ Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls

Fireworks...

are my favorite thing ~ i just love them... i got to see some last night and it was pretty cool... we have a back fire exit and it's normally kept closed but we opened it as the fireworks started and the dining room could see the fireworks... PERFECTLY and as i stood there watching i was surprised at my emotions... i think i went through them all ~ and a large part of this is because i am absolutely exhausted... but also because i hadn't seen fireworks... not a real display i don't believe in two years... and the last time i saw them... was the best time ever and i can't imagine any ever comparing again...

Pat had just finished playing... they intro'd with Mr. Ray Charles singing God Bless America... then proceeded to play Mr. Stevie Ray Vaughn's Star Spangled Banner... i stood with June, Renee, Amy, Christie.... and we just let the tears come because it was well for me at least... absolutely perfect ~ and i'm quite certain that a Fourth of July will never be able to compare... i will have ones that will be special for their own reasons...

i hope none of your Fireworks this Fourth of July were duds!