jamie is my favorite...

'And God must be a pretty big fan of "today", because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live.' ~ jamie tworkowski

i had a moment today that took me back to a yesterday that i try very hard to let go of... and yet it lives inside me... down deep where we put the things that broke us... i mostly believe that i've moved on from it... yet like all skeletons... they try every once in awhile to come out into the light... today it was more of a realization that shook my foundation... an explanation of sorts that makes sense yet i want it to go away ~ i choose to not live in the pain and i don't like it when it takes over... while it's very much a part of what makes me who i am... it does not define me... i've decided for tonight to just be... and tomorrow ~ i'll be better for it

i have THE best job...

not even kiddin' a little bit ~ i am TRULY blessed!!!!

Ohio didn't suk... i love putt putt... fireworks... private planes are pretty much the only way to fly...

oh AND my new FAVORITE thing...

'So your from Texas?' ~ i will NEVER get tired of people asking me that!!!

new favorite song...

The Story... Brandi Carlile...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Oh because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through like you do
And I was made for you.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

Ohh yea it's true... that I was made for you

if you are wondering...

why i don't pick up the phone and check in much these days... it may have something to do with this... we started tracking calls at work the last two days... and i average 40... YES 40 phone calls an hour...

i believe that may be why the last thing i want when i walk out the door... is to talk on the phone...

my sincerest apologies if this has 'hurt' anyone... i still love you all as much as ever i promise!!!

to the man who decided...

to attempt to tear me down for 25 minutes today... you have no idea how i ache for how sad and lonely you must be... to believe that talkin' to people in the manner that you spoke to me is the way to interact with another human being must have been reinforced by years of disappointments and failures... i wonder truly if your mother hugged you enough... if you have ever known what it means to be loved by another person or if you have any kind of compassion for anyone in your heart at all... you called me a liar and a racist... and you based such bold opinions on what exactly... that things were not going as you would like them too... my goodness to have gotten this far in life and not learned that lesson already how bad every day must be for you... you claimed i believed you to be stupid... sir i promise you... my children get punished harder for using that word than if they slip on a curse word... because not only do i not use that word... i don't believe anyone is... uneducated in areas from time to time perhaps... however... it's our responsibility as members of this rock... to help each other and educate each other as necessary...

i realize that you do not know me at all... if you did... you would understand that calling ME a RACIST is quite possibly the most absurd accusation ever... i don't even see people as most do... i don't see color... hear accents... i sat with my father in November after 9/11 and listened to the shame in his voice because he had flown for the first time after the horrid attacks on our country and when a gentleman with a turban sat in the row in front of him for a moment he was nervous... even then my father was ashamed that he let that in to his belief system for even a minute... i was raised to believe in individuals and base my opinions on my personal experiences...

or a liar... please... i tell even painful truths because i understand that the consequences of the latter is just not worth it...

sir if you were to knock on my door this evening... with a need for anything ~ i would graciously extend my world to you... i believe if i have and one needs... it's my responsibility as a good human to share... and even still after how you were today... i would with the hope of turning your face towards the sun so that you can see in fact that life can be good... i would extend my hand to you

for now sir... you are in my prayers

i have sunk to a whole new low...

Sunset Tan... it's my new favorite show... who knew that the tanning salon business would be such a stressful one... that there would be so much drama...

and in the rest of my tv world ~

they took my Taquita and Kaui... i'm heartbroken...

i want Ami James to do my next tattoo... or you know what Chris Nunez... either one... heck i just wanna go hang out with them for a day...

The Hills starts back next week ~ YAY!!!

Sunday is the premier of Rock of Love... this should be fun...

Top Chef Season Three has been very disappointing so far... too much hot tub stuff not enough food stuff...

Is Blow Out coming back because i miss Jonathan?!?!?!?!?!!??

yes... ladies and gentlemen... i'm sure there is quality programming on the TV ~ i just choose to avoid it!!

'...you're better than any midnight sex'

'... can't stop cause if feels too good' ~ Libby I'm Listening ~ Blue October

yes Ladies and Gentlemen... you read that right... can i just say... i love this band!!!

and the fact that they sang that live Friday night to a group of really wet... but really happy fans just made it all that much more clear to me... i don't think i truly believed it was going to happen until they came out on stage... i never got that over excited feeling that i normally get... the rain... THE RAIN... the traffic to Austin... there were just so many things that seemed to point to this not happening... right down to the torrential downpour that we drove there in... but we braved the water... had a beer... laughed out the circumstances... decided to find our spot... and low and behold if the sun didn't peak through finally... a double rainbow... stars... and them

*sigh*... and they were so glad that we were there as Justin said... 'I wouldn't have stood out there in that for anything.' but we did... and it was so much more than worth it... and i get in a zone... and i don't even care about anything going on around me... this lady next to me... kept touching my arm telling me she liked watching me... not in a creepy way she was sweet... but don't watch me... the show is on the stage...

there were so many highlights... Sweet and Sombre Pigeon Wings... oh my LORD... the set list... don't ask... i'm terrible at remembering but i do very clearly remember... the feeling of true euphoria that comes over me when they are up there doing what they love...

it was exactly what i needed let me tell you... and the rest of the weekend didn't suk either... random trips to Waco at 3am... our new friend Mark... learning that Hobby Lobby is about to be the next fashion mecca... people watching ~ you'd be surprised the fans of hip hop that we discovered saturday night... we've decided that really drunk girls don't have very good friends... especially if they leave you with your 'posterior' (GREAT WORD Christy!!!) hanging out with two security guards while the ambulance comes to pick you up... laughing with friends... just sharing this thing that i love ~ so much... with others that love it too... i needed that!!!!

did i mention Sweet and Sombre Pigeon Wings???

the plane landed...

and they are safe... thank you Lord... the mostly clear sky this morning was like your hand on my shoulder assuring that all would be well and for that i am truly grateful...

now... all i have to do is get through the next 30 days without my heart... knowing that they are happy and going to have the summer fun they deserve helps...

i love my children... and i like being with them... it's to the point of selfishness that others get to for the next month and i don't.... and i'm not so much a selfish person

i have Blue October on Friday... and a weekend in Austin... i'm hoping to go to a little chapel that i find enchanting on Saturday... and well the rest of the time is mostly up in the air... books i want to finish... a Jason Boland show that i'm excited about because i have yet to see them... well i'm not really counting Wolfdance... lol

the first day alone is always the hardest...