as previously mentioned...

i gave up on medicine and science awhile ago 'cause i was tired of not feelin' like ME... well they tell me three weeks and i will be 100% better... well after week 1... i'm mostly a raving lunatic that i don't much recognize as me at all... so i'm breathing... and going for a 2nd opinion on Friday... but seriously... lookin' forward to that week 3 back to me feelin' because THIS is NOT gonna fly

hypothyroidism

apparently my thyroid stopped working... which is a big deal... and yeah... strange but a bunch of seemingly unrelated issues that i was either ignoring... or just dealing with... or treating it and it may not be the real problem...

so... yeah... weird

it's one of those days...

that has reminded me exactly why... i have forever been in love with Peter Pan... and did not at all like Winnie the Pooh

no i haven't lost my mind...

so i saw the vampires today...

not exactly a rational term... but my experiences are awful at best and i am not at all a fan... so nothing personal... but yeah... that's what i call them

and now the waiting... see what well pretty much no one that is currently in my life knows... about four years ago... wait... five... i had a big 'C' scare... and when it was over... and i got a clean bill of health i said i wouldn't go back ever

i believe that i'm healthy... i believe that until someone tells you your sick... your not sick... i know too many people who were fine until... and then because someone said so they were... no offense to anyone out there that truly subscribes to modern science and believes... i just happen to be one that it hasn't worked for and i choose to live my life as far away from it as i can... and when my time comes... then there you go...

the earliest memory i have... well it's probably tied... but the most vivid... is the dr holding me down... while one of them attempted a vein... AGAIN... ugh... them makin' my mother leave... not sure why i guess they thought she couldn't handle it... i'd knock 'em out to get to one of my kids in the state i was in that day before i'd leave the room... times have changed... i'm a different kind of parent than my mom... anyway... i was a really sick kid up until i was about 10... and then... the diagnosis... food allergies... and a bunch of odd ones at that ~ might this be why my eating habits are as HORRENDOUS as they are today... probably ~ among other things...

anyway so now i'll wait to hear back ~ knowing that all is fine... believing that my mind is greater than anything they can through at me... knowing that each day... we make anew what was once old therefore... shedding any potential disease with it... it is a visualization thing for me... and the important part is that i TRULY believe it... which is why i went in and this all started in the first place... a seven day headache that i truly could not make go away... so far... they haven't disproved my theories that well they haven't got a clue... it's the nature of science after all right...

anyway... so my anxiety is up because of it... and well i do this alone... 'cause it's not fair to anyone else... i'm sure they will come back with something related to a) my age or b) my gender... 'cause well that's typical... and i'll eat more soy.. drink more water... walk more... sleep more... it'll be fine... but today... yeah... too many memories... that could potentially interfere so needed to get rid of them...

what do you do with THIS...

my son just said... before when i was old and lived in heaven ~ and it was nice there... when i got to pick to come back down and be in your tummy that was a good thing... i don't want to grow old and die again

yeah... just when you think you are prepared for anything... i think i'd rather go back to dealin' with jordan askin' if she can start dating... THAT i can handle

so i've mentioned that i'm reading...

today's life's lessons... 'the attitude is gratitude' ~ yes AMEN ~ i am grateful and if i haven't said thank you lately... well i've been remiss...

THANK YOU!! and if you are reading this... you know for what...

'...thank you for your time' ~ Adam Hood... Coffee Song... so much about that line... works for me... my second love language for example is time... and well yeah ~ that pretty much sums up how i feel about everything these days... life is truly made up of moments... anyway ~ i'm blessed and i know it... so just Thank You...

"Whatsoever you shall ask in prayer, believing, you shall receive." ~ Matthew 21:22

"What things so ever you desire, when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you shall have them." ~ Mark 11:24

ok ~ i realized something else... i talk to myself... but really i don't ~ see mostly i am doing out loud... what so many do privately... and to themselves just because it's what works for me... and does it make me look crazy ~ probably... but i don't even care 'cause i feel good... an open dialog for me has truly been better than any drug they prescribed... any couch session i ever had... you know i haven't found that particular building where many gather on Sundays and holidays to celebrate... worship... fellowship... like such a large portion of the population has... well at the risk of sounding blasphemous ~ there have been two occasions... at a little pub in Houston that is no longer in business... where i have truly felt closer to HIM than i have anywhere ever in my life before or since ~ so my point... i just carry it with me... and hold sermons of my own as needed... and find my answers on the wind... and from a variety of teachers... who all seem to agree ~ Truly

'All that we are is a result of what we have thought.' ~ Buddha

i figured something out the other day...

about why i'm constantly sitting here tryin' to write and just not able to...

i'm in a stage right now where i'm feelin' like i have so much more to learn... not that i've ever been the sort to be deluded enough to think i even come close to knowing it all... but i will say i had thought i had figured some stuff out... and well the proverbial rug... you know that thing that knocks you on your ass... and being older... a bit wiser... all that does is make you feel more confused when things do not go the way that you think they should... or maybe not exactly as you thought they were... so i've been reading... A LOT... blogs by those who are broken like me and finding their own way to put pieces back together... books about walking your path with strength and pride... anything and everything because really all we can do is help each other and i've found some lately that have been doing that for me... helpin' me remember how to keep my feet on the ground... one in front of the other... in and out... all that important stuff that when it gets painful ~ gets hard and sometimes finding a way around or through the pain that is different is helpful...

and yes i'm fine... well i'm happy... i definitely made the right choice... it's not about any of that... it's kind of an internal thing that i've lived with most of my life... and will probably never truly be rid of it... it's why i will continue to be a singleton and the one next to me in a rockin' chair when i'm 80ish.. won't be one that was a romantic love of my life... yet the one that told me once when tyin' my shoes was more than i could handle.... just wear flip flops...

you know in matters that don't much matter... i trust pretty easily... you need money... if i have it ~ it's yours... you need a ride... i'll take you... you need a car... borrow mine... you need something to eat ~ my fridge and my pantry is full... a place to sleep... my bed is yours... i'll snuggle with one of my babies... or my recliner works for me... i'll dog sit... house sit... whatever you need... if i can make it work ~ it's yours

until it comes to me ~ don't try to get in... it's closed officially forever now... 'cause this last go 'round... wasn't what i thought and the pain is in fact too great to bear so much like the wolf that would chew his own leg off... i'm also casting it away so as to be able to get back up and live again... not that i had stopped i just have been well enjoyin' the comforts of my own space... where the ones inside here... are pretty predictable and well for now legally required to be here ~ and i know ONE THING... and that is... they will never feel that i have forsaken them... 'cause some dream of degrees on the walls... medals around their necks... large bank accounts... pretty houses with white picket fences... my dream is that the two that i have brought into this life... will always know that i love them... and am available... and i will always let them know that i'm available... that there is no where ever that i would rather be than with them... probably to the point that they will ask me at some point not to come as they need the time for themselves... but that'll be ok ~ 'cause THAT will be the day... that i will sit back and know that i have in fact been a success...

so this was a bit scattered... will make NO sense to some... perfect sense to others... might upset some... but the thoughts are mine... and maybe now.. that they are here... they won't be so predominantly in my head and i can get some peace on the pillow again

i was watchin' Frankie and Johnny yesterday ~ i adore that movie... and she said something and the quote went something like this... 'why is it that when you are scarred they assume you were hurt as a girl... NO it's because i was hurt as a Woman' ~ something like that... yeah...

and i'm totally LOVIN' My Chemical Romance these days...

'... if you look in the mirror and don't like what you see....
you can find out first hand what it's like to be me
so gather 'round piggies and kiss this goodbye...
i encourage your smiles.... i expect you won't cry'