day 6...

of no anti-depressant...

my joke is i take an anti-depressant because everyone around me is crazy... the cost of that is i never like the way i feel... i understand that there is a very large population of people for which these medications are crucial and life essential

i'm just not one of them... about six months ago... i was having anxiety... panic attacks... not sleeping... a touch of paranoia... angry outbursts... well just about three weeks ago ~ i changed some things about my life... six days ago i didn't take my pill... and today i feel pretty good... a clear head for the first time in MONTHS... (this cold aside) ~ i believe for me... generally it's an external change that i need to make... not adjusting my chemistry...

i'm putting this here as a future reminder... if i ever think again that maybe i need to be on something... maybe i need to evaluate the outside influences and see if they are really good for me or not so much!!

Fall is my least favorite season...

Probably comes from being raised in New England... I always felt like it was all a big hoax because sure it can be BEAUTIFUL in Vermont with the changing of foliage... but all that does is reel you in for the horror of the winter that is to come... i don't like winter... and fall is just a reminder that it's coming... the cold... the dreary... the gray... the damp... it really brings me down and the thing is that even here in Texas... although it's not at all as big of a change as it once was... its enough... and quite frankly more than i thought it would be... both winters here thus far have included more snow and ice than i had imagined there would be...

I've made some changes in my life recently... it's early still and the sting has almost completely left and I know in the long run I will be better off... but the timing sucked 'cause well it's Fall...

My house is almost done... and I look around my apt and it's bittersweet...

ok... so i'm wondering... is this what a caterpilar feels just before the final turn... the fear of what the next step mean... the anxiety of the unknown... the anticipation of all the exciting things that are about to be.... i believe it's got to be close...

My point in all this... even though at this moment with everything... i'm COMPLETELY out of my comfort zone... at the most inconvenient time... I'm pretty sure it's about to be the beginning of something FABULOUS...

no knows what they would do...

but i'm so sad tonight as one of my friends lost the father of her child and her future husband last evening because he decided a life where he couldn't use his arms and legs was not worth living...

so i say again... none of us know what we would do

and to paint the best picture his spinal injury was the same as Christopher Reeves... he required a breathing machine and was told that given all that current medicine could provide... he would never walk again... he chose after two months that this was not the life for him and requested the doctor to shut off the machines that were breathing for him...

he didn't want this life... he didn't want to be a burden to his mother... his future wife.... his daughter...

but i have to wonder... is it more of a burden that the 18 month old grows up without the benefit of her father's wisdom... advice... discipline

i think we sometimes put too much on what the body is able to do... and don't give nearly enough credit to all that we have to offer as just people... thoughts... ideas... experiences...

i'm in the midst of many medical tests... (and if i need you i'll let you know this is the topic of another blog)... but the point currently is no matter the outcome... i will choose to fight for my children because i want to watch them grow... i want to hear their opinions... i want to share my thoughts on what they want to wear for their first dance... graduation... i want to meet the people that they love... i want to kiss away their tears when their hearts break... there will always be things i can provide with so much more than my arms and legs...

does that make sense... for my friend... i will hold her hand through this hell she is in... and pray everyday for her to find peace in his decision... if you are a person that prays... send one up for them... they will need all they can get

ok...

so something i've believed to be true... well many will think it took her long enough... some will get it... right now... i'm tryin' to get ok with everything...

thank you all for loving me enough... i love you more than i've shown...

*sigh*