ok i LOVE this and HAD to share...

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,
mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself;
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul;
if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty,
even when it's not pretty, every day,
and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."-Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Invitation

'Have you ever seen Dallas..'

'... from a DC9 at night?'

well no... but from the 30 freeway last night... she certainly was a jewel oh my lord this city that i live near is absolutely gorgeous...

i went to see Bleu last night at Woody's ~ which i had been to previously however yeah... i discussed this with Jocelyn this morning... i really was kind of out of it around that show ~ don't get me wrong i remember every single moment of the show i've decided that something happens to me that is very similar to a state of intoxication via substance when i'm at a show because my memory varies in degrees of clarity and the after math is pretty much all lost in oblivion... it can be completely measured by how much i love the show without question

anyway i digress ~ have i mentioned here ever how much i just LOVE THE BLEU EDMONDSON BAND ~ well i just do and last night was just perfect ~ from my song right out of the box... ish ~ to his acoustic cover of Springsteen's The River... another personal favorite of mine... i was fortunate to see them back at the end of November in NYC but there is nothing like sharing music with those that love the way you love it... and i gotta tell you on a Friday night there are so many reasons for people to 'get happy'

the new bass player is gonna be a great addition ~ and yes you do kind of 'just wanna put him in your pocket' ~ his face when Wendy introduced herself was one of those really great moments... the new material for the new record is so good ~ i'll be talking about these guys a lot this year... i've already figured out that i can see them again... closer to home at the beginning of March and THAT makes me very happy!!!

just some thoughts...

apparently the idea that i live here now is a bit weird to some ~ and i can understand that as it happened so fast ~ it’s funny ‘cause i get these questions about how life is all the time… it’s the same… but it’s a better same… there is still never enough time… 12 miles here takes every bit of 45 minutes and so yes we get home… we have dinner… we hug… and it’s bed time for all of us as 6am comes really early… the better in that is i am the one fixing dinner ~ sometimes there are veggies sometimes not… helping brush teeth ‘cause yeah he still needs a little help with that… i’m the one tucking them in… yes i’ll get your water and you may sleep with that take along toy… no you may not fall asleep to the tv… but you may have 15 more minutes and then i’ll come shut if off… we all have our own space where in which we can retreat as needed to collect ourselves when moments get heated or fits get thrown ~ it’s not worth it so i don’t want to see or hear it… it’s not technically ‘my house’ as i don’t own it and it’s an apartment ~ i get all those things… but when you walk in… it’s mine and as my six year old so eloquently put it… ‘it’s a kind of home service place cause we have a park for us and for kailey plus two swimming pools so it’s better i think’ ~ everything about each room has our signatures on them… from jake’s framed thomas, bertie and harold on his walls… jordan’s funky comforter and pre-teen posters on the walls… to my PEACE sign over my bed… my bears watching over me as i sleep and the pictures of the places i love a lot on the walls… the mess i leave behind is the one i come home too… the food in the fridge is stuff we actually eat.. and if we are low i’ve got three grocery stores and a Super Target within 5 miles so it’s not an all day affair to shop… there is a movie store just outside my gate… ‘cause oh yeah I’m in a gated complex so do i fantasize that i’m kind of like my housewives in Coto… lol yeah just a bit ‘cause i’m a dork like that ~ anyway there is a movie store… and i still have issues getting movies back on time… there have been shows ~ REALLY good ones… one with babies where they met *sigh* Stoney yeah… dream come true moment and i still suk at takin’ pictures cause yeah didn’t get one of the three of them and i should have… but i can retell the story and it was a good one… there will be other photo op moments… there was my first Brandon Rhyder show with Heather and Sara ~ Joc informed me via text that Brandon is in fact allowed to stand wherever he wants even if that happens to be right next to me… and there are shows that won’t work ‘cause Thursday nights are just too hard to try and work out… plus again 6am comes really fast… but i’m ok ‘cause there will be others… there have been sleepovers… movie nights… playdates… there is a birthday party on Saturday… jake needs a haircut… my Colts are in the Super Bowl but can i just say that the fact that they beat the Patriots would be enough if I would not have to hear about how many Super Bowls the Pats blah blah blah.. so yeah we have to win…


Ok after all this you get it… I think… it’s just life ~ BUT it’s exactly the one that i wanted to live and that makes all the difference in the world

signs...

you know... yesterday sucked ~ i'm not even kiddin' a little... but because i am me... and i believe the way i do... i'm gonna have those days ~ by late last night i was questioning every decision i've made in the last six weeks and wondering if perhaps i made the wrong choices

so i went in this morning to fill out the paperwork for my new job ~ thursday is my first day and when i left the interview i felt really good about the environment... i found the woman who interviewed me very easy to talk to and i felt it was a place that i could fit in and be a true part of their organization... so i'm excited but because of the way that things played out yesterday... some of my excitement was extinguished... as i was completing all the necessary forms there was a surge in the electricity and a breaker was tripped... when it was reset the lady that was assisting me walked over to the cd player to put their music back on and my eyes followed her and what was sitting outside of it's case on top of the cd player... Three Days ~ THE cd that changed my life PERIOD...

yeah... i believe in signs ~ thanks for that one today ~ i'm gonna be so much better than ok i believe in that

i got a message...

that my favorite lesser known singer/songwriter has a guitar again ~ that makes me happy... all things considered on this weekend that ~ well wasn't what it was supposed to be... yet everything is just as it should be!

the pictures are hung...

in fact if you walked in right now... you wouldn't think we just moved in two weeks ago ~ and tonight i came 'home' to what is truly my first home that's mine... i've lived a bunch of other places but they were my parents or places that i shared with another... this one is mine... i picked or i think at 3:45am it picked me... it's got the something old... something new... borrowed... blue ~ not to be hokey it's a very similar feeing for me

and it's where i want to be... the kids are going to be lovingly challenged to be the best that they can be here... there are all kinds of cultural choices that will be as diverse as i've always dreamed for them... i will be able to share with them not just the music and the artists that i have come to love and admire so but so many that love me so much have never met the two that make me whole... and i guess that is just it ~ i feel whole... here... in this place that becomes perfect because of its imperfections

they are safely tucked in their own beds... in their own rooms... under designs they chose to express who they are feeling like they are today... they go to bed exhausted and wake up refreshed and ready for the challenges of the day... i pick them up from school and they are fighting for air time... so many new... (J ~ 'Mom you didn't tell me Texas has its own pledge of Allegiance' M - 'well i had no idea') exciting... (j ~ 'we got to go to the science room today and there is rocket camp... can i go there?') fun... stories to share

so i'm nervous... i'm excited... i'm happy... i'm anxious... i'm comfortable...

i'm HOME

so if you don't have a Joc...

in your life... you need to get you one ~ 'cause when you can't move as your son is slipping in the water on a beautiful Saturday in Oklahoma... she'll take two leaps and a bound... scoop him up... and all is perfect... so like the little redneck that he is... we stripped off the wet shoes, socks and pants and he fished all afternoon in his boxers... it was pretty great... and it only took me about oh an hour or so to feel my heart again

that's only one of about a million reasons that i'm truly blessed that she calls me her friend... sorry i'm missing the castration tomorrow.... but the blind cows at the auction this weekend were about all i can handle... i'll be there when they start having the babies and we'll bottle feed as necessary... jordan's got names all ready... it's gonna be GREAT!!

all other things are going relatively well... i really love my town... i really love my apartment ~ you'll probably tire of hearing that but i'm just really happy right now ~ oh... the only hiccup so far is figuring out when it is necessary to dial '1' and when it isn't... i truly can live with that!

so here we are!

almost a week as a Texas resident... it's pretty fantastic... i love my new apartment... the kids love their new school... joc already got me drunk... it's gonna be great!