it wasn't a trailer...

it was more than i could explain and y'all wouldn't believe me if i tried... i was mistaken for the laundry lady... ok so there you go... that's about as well as i fit in to this amazing estate that we stayed in ~ however it was a fabulous week just the same... being that we are who we are... watching the Busch race on Friday night in the movie theater was a highlight... the subs in the floor made it 'feel' extremely real... the views were amazing... picture perfect ~ and Vegas well... hell it was Vegas and oh... oh OHHHHH... there were baby lions in MGM...

and he held my head 'cause at 5000 ft i fall asleep alot... and he held my head so it would bounce around... and we found THE best bar in Park City ~ O'Shucks... if you are there i recommend it... Smoking is Encouraged...'nuff said right ~ and they have Johnny Cash... Bob Marley and my new favorite band Scissor Sisters... it was perfect ~ and my new favorite beer 'cause i had never had one before Guiness...

ok... my new favorite song ~ Take Your Mama Out ~ Scissor Sisters


'...we'll let the good times all roll out
and if the music ain't good, well it's just too bad
we're gonna sing along no matter what...'

UTAH...

so i'm off... and the crazy part is if you had asked me when i was oh... 10ish what i wanted to do when i grow up ~ live in a trailer in Utah... please i was 10 no real idea about the world... however something about Utah appealed to me... so here i am some 24 years later about to go and find out what it's all about... i hear Bryce Canyon is beautiful and we have a fantastic view of Salt Lake from the hot tub at this estate that we are going too... i'm sure that i'll embarrass the hell out of myself and i'm terrified that at the end of it all i'll just look foolish and they will wonder what he is doing with me... he keeps reassuring me that i'm just silly for that thought... they've already loved me most of my life

well here we go... and i'm just a bit ummm yeah ~ TERRIFIED

love...Love... LOVE

this song....


Unwritten ~ Natasha Bedingfield...

'...feel the rain on your skin
no one else can feel it for you
only you can let it in
no one else... no one else
can speak the words on your lips
treat yourself in words unspoken
live your life with arms wide open
today is where your book begins...

i actually have five kids...

some of you know this... some may not... my three oldest children are actually Tina's kids... Tina is one of my forever friends... she and i met when i first moved away from home... she is from here and was someone that i had known my whole life ~ i had been closer to her brother because we are the same age... but she was a familiar face in an unfamiliar place... when they came into my life the kids were 3, 5 and 7... and their father had just passed away

the last fifteen years... their mom and i have raised them... not as together sometimes as others but still if you ask them they will tell you they have two mom's and if you ask me... they are my kids ~ they taught me how to be a mom... i have a beautiful portrait of all five of my kids hanging up and they are absolutely gorgeous

so my 'middle' child is graduating from high school... and of the three eldest she certainly has given us quite the time of it... there was the 'running away' incident where she wouldn't even speak to her mom and would call me three or four times a day... she almost came to live with me then... there was the 'dropping out of school' that idea was just the worst ever... apparently there is this new thing where kids are deciding school is just not for them so they drop out and get their GED so that they can join the workforce a year or so early... well NO... i told her she gets to be a grown up soon enough don't rush it

so i had a horrid evening Friday... called up Tina... she wasn't home ~ but i left this extremely pitiful message informing her that i was packing up our other two children and we would be moving in and she'd be taking care of me for the rest of my life 'cause quite frankly i was done... Shannon... she's the eldest daughter... called me back and as she can do so well loved me back to being ok... in that conversation the graduation came up and i have been informed that i have to be there and of course i do... but i don't know if it's denial or what i'm not ready... 'cause it's too soon... it's always too soon right... but the next one ~ yes 8 years away but still... the last fifteen years flew so i know the next 8 will do the same... is Jordan... and i'm DEFINETLY never gonna be ready for that... but Tina will be there and we'll cry... 'cause we do... and we'll laugh... 'cause we do... i just don't remember it going so fast when i was the one that was doing the 'big growing' you know...

a perfect night...

because she's 78 and has learned not to care what others thing... and he's 5 and hasn't learned that he should care... they were perfect

i had no idea that she was so into it... i could see her counting the beats... when it was time to volunteer... her hand was up first... and she's good ~ i'm glad she switched i can tell she's happier than she would have been with the flute...

and because we listened to Tim... Kenny... Pat... Bleu... Blue October... etc... so my son didn't really know Old MacDonald and when it was announced he was hungry and excited for a happy meal...

you know it's not what i saw it to be a year ago... but it is in fact perfect... Grandparents... Great Grandparents... drum recitals... little ones that love me that i wouldn't have really known otherwise...

it's all perfect

so much to say...

but no kind of peace to make sense of it... so do with all of this what you want and welcome to my head...

4+4=8 2+0+0+6=8...88 in morse code is love... do the ones i love the most 'get that' as well since TODAY is the day the album is in stores for all of us ~ oh and coincidence perhaps EXCEPT... 3+1+4=8 and 2+0+0+6=8 and that was the date it was supposed to come out and they pushed it up... so i don't know... i'm just sayin'


he says 'i love you... yeah i really really do' and you know he must 'cause i'm all over the place with my craziness these days... nothing too much i guess... just tired... busy... too many thoughts... and for some reason i feel safe to give them all to him... and i do and still he calls... early even... he listens... he talks... he laughs with me... not at me...

oh and everyone loves him as well... fights to answer the phone when he calls... both at home and the restaurant... tell him to call me Jordan says and they chat for an hour getting to know each other... i stand waiting for five minutes while Douglas chats about the race we watched Saturday... this is unfolding really well for all involved ~ and next year these weeks will be easier as i won't be doing it all on my own... *sigh* that's a PHENOMENAL thought

there is a recital Wednesday... drums and i get to see it... she is excited... i'm nervous for her ~ and her guitar is here so now we need to pick back up the lessons... another thing to the long list and yes it's important... more important and why (sorry Brandon) ~ we have decided no baseball this year... there is going to be summer Camp... with horses and the deposit is due... the meeting is next week

ok... the first family trip is in two weeks... i've known them all forever... yet my role is different and i'm terrified which is just silly and i know in the first hour i'll forget why but for now the anticipation of the looks... will they really approve... will they see the 'Well DUH...' my sister did... i wish she was going... i wish she felt she could talk to me...

oh my lord i'm gonna stop it now... oh wait one more thing then the rest of the day may have a bit more peace for me... it was flip flops and tank tops... walking outside with the sun on your face.... i look outside and i need boots and a warm coat again... just checked it IS in fact April.... UGH... ok definetly done

and this is my head right now... and all i have to say is THANK THE LORD for Rob Thomas... 'cause he's been IT for me again... he's the bar that i grip in this merry go round that is my life...

Ever the Same ~ Rob Thomas... for my friend who can't seem to find me lately

'you may need me there
to carry all your weight
but you're no burden i assure
you tide me over
with a warmth i'll not forget
but i can only give you love...'

and for me.... Hand Me Down ~ Rob Thomas/MB20

'...i’m here for the hard times
the straight to your heart times
when livin' ain’t easy
you can stand up against me
and maybe rely on me...'

because the pain is very real...

i told Travis that i was going to stop caring so much about so many people 'cause the pain is getting to be a bit much ~ his response was accurate since he's known me for ummm 21 years... ish ~ 'No you won't... it's what you do... it's what you've always done.'

the background ~ i have turned my life upside down the for these two weeks to help out my boss who has become a dear friend...even though i don't always agree with how she handles things... anyway i'm house sitting... dog sitting... and 16 year old sitting ~ yeah... so last night i get a call from the police department... in the middle of making dinner for my babies... and he needed a ride ~ he wasn't in trouble but the boy driving the car that he was in had been arrested... there are so many issues that i have with this entire situation but the one that had me wanting to just stop caring was the fact that... i adore this boy... i see so much potential in who he can be... i just want to hug him and take care of him... he's lost or left behind is maybe a better way to put it... and he's trying to find his way but at 16 your map hasn't been filled in yet... you have part of it... some of the legend to help you figure it out but there is still so much more and it's just not fair what is going on with him... and it's not my place to do more... i'm not his mom or even any kind of anything more than a friend but yesterday every single adult in his life... failed him ~ well except for me and i'm not just saying that because it's my blog... i was where i said i would be so when the police officer called he reached me... i picked him up... i listened... i tried to plea his case and get him to be able to stay with us... but those in his life that enjoy drama thought there was a better answer... i hope it worked out for him... and when i see him today i'll hug him... and hope REALLY hard that he feels just how much i love him... and i'm not gonna listen to everyone talking and joking about how much of a screw up he is... 'cause he's not... and someone needs to stand up next to him... i'll do that today and for as long as he needs it... 'cause that is what i do when i love you