insert happy dance...

'cause Jocelyn will be here to play with us next week ~ and that makes me VERY VERY VERY happy!

i got a phone call...

from a show ~ i haven't had one of those in a very long time... and it was just the best ~ three of my dearest friends... and in the last three years i have learned the true meaning of that word ~ just called because a song is in their hearts and minds is 'Lori's Song' which is perfect because if a song reminds someone of me... i don't even care what song it is if music inspires a thought of me... that makes me very VERY happy ~ that wasn't even the best part of the call... because see one of the things i struggle with and will forever is that i want so much to not disappoint people and to do all i can always to make others happy... well i have been a bit burdened over the past fews months because i know that my direction changed and i worry a lot that because of that so many will feel that i've turned my back on them and that is just not the case

it's a difficult line that i walk trying to ensure that i am doing what is best not just for me but for the two lives that i've been entrusted with to mold... i have to always make sure that my choices are not just right for me but more importantly for them ~ so the best part of the phone call... was hearing that regardless of my decisions... i am loved and supported and will be for always

so the point... 'cause i have one ~ uncondtional love is a beautiful... perfect thing...

so it was yesterday...

and i made it through it ~ oh wait found out i have cataracts... so yeah the old thing came up 'cause its something i've associated my whole life with being elderly ~ apparently i was wrong... there was no need to lock me up ~ i went to town and had an eye exam... got an oil change... went to Yankee Candle where i found the chair for my room i've been looking for... my gift to myself this year ~ a FULL tank of gas... which in my truck these days is a small fortune

everyone around me knows that i don't celebrate so... we had dinner the closest members of my family... the ones that have loved me always through the triumphs and tragedies that have made up my life ~ i have found that the ties that bind are not only made of blood as more than half of the members of my family are not blood but those that have remained by my side... through the hurricane... through the years... waited patiently as i made my trek through the big world ~ i think they knew i'd be back although i said never more times than i care to count... it was nice... perhaps it was in fact the beginning of a new year and a new outlook on it all

"They don't even know what it is to be a fan....

...Y'know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts. " ~ Sapphire from Almost Famous

i get that ~ in fact it will probably remain my favorite movie quote ~ forever...

as i was snugglin' into bed last night to go to sleep i was flipping through the guide on TV and Bravo was airing an Eagles concert... *sigh* ~ love Love LOVE them ~ in fact there are five that i want to see live that i haven't yet and they are on that list along with Bruce Springsteen... U2... Elton John... and Bob Dylan ~ so i digress as i was listening to Don Henley sing a song that has been one of my favorites since well... forever i guess i thought about what music does for me... and to me sometimes ~ it's almost frightening 'cause i will truly get irritated if i'm interrupted during a song ~ ok downright angry not just irritated ~ music helps me remember to breathe... it reminds me that no matter how i might feel i'm not really alone... it can make the scar on my heart ache or it can heal it all over again... it reminds me of all that is true and good and beautiful in this world...

i know i talk about this a lot... but in my 34 years... i can easily say it's my true constant ~ my North Star... my security blanket... my home ~ i'm not sure what that says about me but this gypsy takes great comfort in knowing that no matter where i am on my path... there will always be something with me that is familiar and helps to keep my focus and make me feel whole...

"...and if you ever get lonely, you just go to the record store and visit all your friends. " ~ Penny Lane from Almost Famous

ok... so which song sparked all of this ~ to this day i still have people that have known me forever ask... is that still your favorite song ~ well ish... it's on the list for sure... and this is why

Desperado ~ The Eagles

'...now it seems to me some fine things
have been laid upon your table
but you only want the ones that you can’t get

desperado... oh you ain’t gettin’ no younger
your pain and your hunger... they’re drivin’ you home
and freedom... oh freedom
well that’s just some people talkin’
your prison is walking through this world all alone...'

'Gemini people are...'

'...ingenious, quick-witted communicators, although you are often restless, easily bored and can become frustrated by things moving too slowly.' yup ~ that's my biggest stumbling block in my life... it's gotten so bad that one day with little or nothing to do and too much time in my head... and i'm a wreck... i know the path my life is going to take and i'm looking forward to all the possiblities and being who i am... waiting for it all to get started is making me more than just a little anxious ~ so i'm glad summer is around the corner as there are lots of exciting things going on... that will help ~ ish... now if someone would shut off the water and turn up the heat... it would be much appreciated

have i mentioned that i love tuesdays?

well i do... first of all... i work with someone who has quickly moved into my favorite people category ~ we laugh so much it's truly impossible to tell we are working... it's my friday 'cause i generally have the next two days off...

and yesterday i woke up and started out frustrated with TOO much ~ so i took matters into my own hands... i called and requested my own phone line which is to be installed on Monday ~ yes i will give all who need it the new number ~ and wait... wait... WAIT for it... i will have Call Waiting AND Caller Id... so with that i needed my own phone... well the phone store and the Cell Phone store were right next to each other so yeah ~ i now have a Cell Phone too... and i could send AND receive text messages yesterday... insert HUGE cheek bustin' grin here... again i'll get you the number once i figure out my plan situation 'cause the trainee that i dealt with yesterday just wasn't very helpful

i gave the Verizon lady my 2 cents about how the NEED... and i emphasized NEED... DSL here... she said 'oh i know...' and i replied... 'no m'am i don't think you do... ' ~ lol so i'm trying

with all of this i guess i have accepted that for now... this is where i live ~ however being the Gemini that i truly am ~ who knows for how long and where this winding road that i am on will take me next... for now it's nice to have my feet firmly on the ground... to not have to force smiles again... to put my head on the pillow at night and fall asleep with a quiet mind... to have random voicemails from the one who just likes to hear my voice...

my song 'cause i haven't had one in a day or so...is back to one i've used before but apparently the rest of the world is getting the message that this man is what it's all about... check him out... www.myspace.com/waltwilkins... or www.waltwilkins.com ~ you can thank me later ;)


Someone Somewhere Tonight ~ Walt Wilkins (and Mr. Kenny Rogers has had the fantastic idea of recording this perfect song and putting it on his album too!)

someone somewhere tonight
is taking their first steps
letting go of the hands that held them
and trusting themselves
and somewhere somewhere tonight
is hearing their last rites
and prayin' with all their might
that there's something else....

baby lie down here beside me
let's lie real still
and tell me you love me
and you always will...

someone somewhere tonight
is tasting their first kiss
whispering softly this wish
for this night to go on
while someone somewhere
is holdin' on to a bottle
pouring one more and hoping that God will
get them through till the dawn....

well baby... lie down here beside me
let's lie real still
and tell me you love me
and you always will...

someone somewhere tonight
is stuck in a prison
breathin' but just barely living
behind walls of their own
and someone somewhere tonight
just found their own wings
found some beauty
found some truth
found some meaning... in spite of it all

well baby... lie down here beside me
let's lie real still
tell me you love me
you always will...

day one down...

and for five minutes yesterday i truly thought... we need to go... this has to be too much... hell it's too much for me and it's what i do... but there were smiles reminding me to breathe... hugs to put me back together... patience to reassure me... and when they were tucked away and dreaming ~ gratitude for sharing them and for an evening of fun... and i'm going to say if i have to have days of too much discipline because there was not enough sleep and way too much excitement... it's nice to put my head on my spot and be reminded that it's all perfect

so here it goes...

or we go i guess... testing the waters to see if being four instead of three is in fact what is best for all of us... there was dancing in my room at 5:30am so needless to say my babies are over the moon excited... i'm still extremely anxious and will relax umm maybe a day or three after we get back

regardless... we will have fun... Jordan will ride rollercoasters as she has somehow grown up to be tall enough finally to be able to... Jake and i will go on a quest for Spongebob as he hangs around the Park quite a lot... hopefully there will be Jimmy Neutron and Timmy sightings as well... lots of fun to be had by all of us and i'm very much looking forward to being on vacation with my children and the rest well... let the chips fall where they may ~ all who know all of us say i'm silly for worrying... well it's what i do

"Feels so good...'

"oh ~ it's almost spritual..."

PAT's BACK!!!!!

'... i guess everybody gets a chance to shine... and tonight it's mine...'

OH MY HECK... how excited am i for this new album...

sooo very glad to hear new Pat today... thank the music God's for THAT!!!!

big HUGE Cheek Bustin' Grin right here right now!!!!

we are a handful...

the three of us... no question... it's probably the reason that i had shut my life off to a fourth... well there were a lot of reasons... but this is the biggest... we are loud... we are silly... we are busy... we fight... we make up... we pig pile on the couch... we get sent to our separate corners... we laugh... we cry... but the bottom line is that we are very much a three... and we have learned how best to work through our stuff ~ even at their young ages... so that we can all have the best possible life

i'm not really a conventional mom... not at all... and i'm ok with that... i wouldn't know how to be any other way... so i have all these ideas of how things could be when we are four... he says he knows he'll make mistakes and there will be 'Whoa!' moments where he will look to me for guidance... i just worry he doesn't truly get how big this is... i've been told i see it as a liability when really there are more rewards than i give credit for... probably... so these are the things weighing on my mind ~ i've been told to stop... it's going to work out... just be happy in this moment 'cause it's a good one... that wasn't exactly working... 'cause i'm stubborn... i admit that freely... it should be on the 'handful' list too... 'cause we all three are that as well

BUT ~ today... i was checking in on my friends... and read... well ish 'cause see i know this song... and i was thinkin' as i was scrolling down 'i love that song...' then this verse... slowed me down... put it all into prospective and i will carry on now and stop with the worry... thank you my lovely HayJay... i needed this today

'...lock your fears away
for just a little time
you can hang them in the closet
you can hang them right next to mine
don’t be afraid to let go
i’ll be sure to hold on
with all my body and my soul
let the good times roll...' ~ Brandon Rhyder

so much...

for not busy ~ which is a good thing... i'm NOT complaining!

the catch...

'cause there had to be one... this job is just too good to but true most days... well here it is... we are in what's called 'mud season' which means... there is no one in town... which means... we don't make any money... well starting today... i work a double today... a double tomorrow... lunch on Sunday... dinner Monday... dinner Tuesday... normally i would be totally excited ~ however knowing that's gonna be TOO much time at the bar watching TV... and no cash in my pocket.... i'm not looking forward to it

fortunately i've been given a bunch of good books to read so i'm guessing i'll finish as least one or two over the next five days... i hope everyone i love has a fantastic weekend... i miss you all very much

Ladies and Gentlemen we have...

flowers... and fiddleheads... and leaves... the last of the snow is gone... so apparently i made it... and it wasn't as difficult as i was worried that it would be... so i'm happy for warm blue skies filled with sunshine... they look different the blue from winter to summer here... you can see the cold in the winter... so i'm gonna go for a ride in my truck with the sunroof open... and the heat off... and be very thankful for this beautiful day that He has made....

Quote of a Lifetime for me...

"You have the freak flag... you just don't fly it. " ~ Ben Stone from The Family Stone

the way i see things... most of the people that i come into contact with... friends... family and the likes... well that's their deal... instead of embracing their freakiness... they try and hide it... cover it up with the right clothes... pack it away in their perfectly put together ponytail or underneath their ballcap... keep it inside behind tight lipped smiles...

i however... fly my freak flag pretty high... and encourage my children to do the same... and in fact i encourage everyone that will listen to let it all out... there is never any judgement in my world... no need or time for it... i am very aware of the fact that it is not even close to a perfect world we are living in... i'm not walking the straightest line... and i don't expect anyone else too... in fact i worry about those that think they might be for fear of what the realization that life is about the imperfections will do to them

so this was my sunshine today... i poked my head out and decided a funny flick might do the trick... WELL let me give you a disclaimer here ~ The Family Stone... is not quite the comedy that it was played off to be in the trailers and such... but it is a very moving film and i did enjoy it very much...

slightly different note... the grumpiness turns out to have been self induced... three days no caffeine ~ after four Coke Zeros... i have decided that for me.... Caffeine is in fact necessary...

it's an...

Empty Glass... Mary... Lost and Found...Downtown...Little Bit Crazy... Holdin' On...Postcard from Paris... kind of day...

what's your rainy day playlist... and i don't mean it has to be raining outside... but you know that day when you just need to be grumpy and stay under the covers kind of day... i'll be better tomorrow... but today... i'm gonna just hide and listen...

oh and One Thing... Finger Eleven's not Jack's... Jack's is on my happy... sunny day... life is perfect today playlist

"...if i sorted it out
if i knew all about this one thing
wouldn’t that be something..."

so i have decided...

that i strongly dislike baseball... brandon just stop reading here ~ i do... i know America's past time blah.. blah.. blah... WHATEVER... sorry and the latest... apparently there is a possibility that my Blue October shows this month will be cancelled.... WHY you wonder... the lead singer got hurt playing ~ you guessed it... Baseball... my daughter has a fat lip and a big ol egg on her nose... why... you guessed it... Baseball

i find it boring... watching grass grow comes to mind... we have this white flag that appears on the front of the house every few days or so with a Blue W on it... something to do with the Cubs as that is my parents team... my daughter has decided she is a Yankee fan... brandon's computer just exploded... my friends here are pretty much split down the middle between Yankee Fans and Red Sox Fans... and to hear them talking about it ~ you would not know that except when it comes to baseball they all love each other very much...

and the committment... i have the same gripe about Basketball... 90+ or 100+ games whatever it it... do these people have real lives...

with my two loves in the sporting world... i have a Sunday commitment... occasionally a Monday may be thrown in if it's a good Monday Night Football game or if we had a rain delay... it's very easy to keep track of who is where and holds what position in the points race or who is at the top of their conference... and it really doesn't have to take up to much of my time to check in on things... football can get a little gray towards playoffs but for the most part it's pretty easy to follow ~ no Masters in Statistics required to understand where your team is in their division standings...

ok ~ that's my rant ~ my apologies to my friends that are baseball fans... i promise to never make you sit through a race with me if you do the same and don't require me to follow baseball... i truly tried and it really just didn't grow on me at all

i'm truly blessed...

'cause let me tell you what... i have been sad and whiny for about four days... the culmination of that being about the biggest temper tantrum and sulking an almost 34 year old should never even contemplate... which lead to mind spinning... heart racing... shortness of breath... skin too tight... but after 2hrs33min35seconds (and yes it's a numbers thing 'cause i found and 88 in there) i was taking slow... deep breaths... i could focus on one thing at a time... i could close my eyes and feel at peace and know that sleep would in fact come

so you check in and ask how i am my stranger friend... and in turn i go and read your heart... i totally agree and i'm blessed because more love was brought than i deserved 'cause i truly should have been scolded and put in time out for 34 minutes...

you may be reading and wondering why so sad... well mostly because if you are reading this... i miss you... and i realized recently that it's been almost a year in this place that i dreaded even coming too... was only going to stay a short while... and a year has passed... i fear sometimes in that year i lost more than i even realize... but i have gained a lot... the sadness came when trying to decided if it's all been worth it... i fear admiting that it has means that things that were once so very important to me aren't as much any more and i'm not sure i'm okay with that idea...

and THE final straw... which i was already in a bad place... but THE final straw... Talledega was rain delayed until today... i know... I KNOW... but it's my favorite race... we had food... we had beverages... we had a bunch of people... and i was looking forward to it... have been for a very VERY long time... so as silly as it sounds... it really was what pushed me over the edge... but when you live there as i do sometimes... it truly does take much of a push... sometimes a breath can do it