to the president elect...

a thought... the opposite of war isn't peace it's creation

we are currently CREATING a safe environment for the Iraqi people to start anew after too many years under the govern of a tyrannical dictator

we are currently CREATING a barrier of protection for those people from many that would like to inflict further terror on a people that have already endured more than their fair share

we are currently CREATING a sense of hope where once there was only fear

please don't be hasty in using the new power you are about to have to destroy all that has been CREATED...

there are many that have a very real prospective of the situation... heed what they have to say... choose your advisors wisely let them be knowledgeable and not just people that agree with you...

above all else... do NOT let all that has been sacrificed already be in vain...

this is my prayer this evening

so here we go...

i'm not going to lie... i'm very fearful of this 'change' that has been promised... all historic significance aside... i don't support a lot of the ideas that he has said he will bring to fruition... and the fear i have in my heart right now... well its why i choose my bubble...

i feel a great sadness for the one that i have for so long admired and believe in... he will forever be in my mind the purest of patriots and i believe it should have been his time...

i also am sad for the families out there that had hoped their voices would be heard... too long now families of children with special needs have been not even on the stove let alone the back burner... there was a very clear beckon of hope for a moment... my heart hurts for them too...

I have the best friends in the world.

Period... I've had a lot of reflection the last few days... trying to make the right choices... wallowing in self pity for a minute. You know whatever... I'm blessed.

So I missed Bleu and Adam on Thursday night... that sux but they will be back and I will still be here!!!

I think because I brought my life to Texas I forgot what a minute what all that would mean exactly. So every once in awhile I get down when I miss a show. That's just silly and I need to not do that anymore because you know what... I still get to have lunch with Deidre and see her everyday... I have a roadtrip to Houston in two weeks... I'll be in OK at somepoint over Thanksgiving to play with my favorites...

I'm really thankful that I got a reminder!!!

day 6...

of no anti-depressant...

my joke is i take an anti-depressant because everyone around me is crazy... the cost of that is i never like the way i feel... i understand that there is a very large population of people for which these medications are crucial and life essential

i'm just not one of them... about six months ago... i was having anxiety... panic attacks... not sleeping... a touch of paranoia... angry outbursts... well just about three weeks ago ~ i changed some things about my life... six days ago i didn't take my pill... and today i feel pretty good... a clear head for the first time in MONTHS... (this cold aside) ~ i believe for me... generally it's an external change that i need to make... not adjusting my chemistry...

i'm putting this here as a future reminder... if i ever think again that maybe i need to be on something... maybe i need to evaluate the outside influences and see if they are really good for me or not so much!!

Fall is my least favorite season...

Probably comes from being raised in New England... I always felt like it was all a big hoax because sure it can be BEAUTIFUL in Vermont with the changing of foliage... but all that does is reel you in for the horror of the winter that is to come... i don't like winter... and fall is just a reminder that it's coming... the cold... the dreary... the gray... the damp... it really brings me down and the thing is that even here in Texas... although it's not at all as big of a change as it once was... its enough... and quite frankly more than i thought it would be... both winters here thus far have included more snow and ice than i had imagined there would be...

I've made some changes in my life recently... it's early still and the sting has almost completely left and I know in the long run I will be better off... but the timing sucked 'cause well it's Fall...

My house is almost done... and I look around my apt and it's bittersweet...

ok... so i'm wondering... is this what a caterpilar feels just before the final turn... the fear of what the next step mean... the anxiety of the unknown... the anticipation of all the exciting things that are about to be.... i believe it's got to be close...

My point in all this... even though at this moment with everything... i'm COMPLETELY out of my comfort zone... at the most inconvenient time... I'm pretty sure it's about to be the beginning of something FABULOUS...

no knows what they would do...

but i'm so sad tonight as one of my friends lost the father of her child and her future husband last evening because he decided a life where he couldn't use his arms and legs was not worth living...

so i say again... none of us know what we would do

and to paint the best picture his spinal injury was the same as Christopher Reeves... he required a breathing machine and was told that given all that current medicine could provide... he would never walk again... he chose after two months that this was not the life for him and requested the doctor to shut off the machines that were breathing for him...

he didn't want this life... he didn't want to be a burden to his mother... his future wife.... his daughter...

but i have to wonder... is it more of a burden that the 18 month old grows up without the benefit of her father's wisdom... advice... discipline

i think we sometimes put too much on what the body is able to do... and don't give nearly enough credit to all that we have to offer as just people... thoughts... ideas... experiences...

i'm in the midst of many medical tests... (and if i need you i'll let you know this is the topic of another blog)... but the point currently is no matter the outcome... i will choose to fight for my children because i want to watch them grow... i want to hear their opinions... i want to share my thoughts on what they want to wear for their first dance... graduation... i want to meet the people that they love... i want to kiss away their tears when their hearts break... there will always be things i can provide with so much more than my arms and legs...

does that make sense... for my friend... i will hold her hand through this hell she is in... and pray everyday for her to find peace in his decision... if you are a person that prays... send one up for them... they will need all they can get

ok...

so something i've believed to be true... well many will think it took her long enough... some will get it... right now... i'm tryin' to get ok with everything...

thank you all for loving me enough... i love you more than i've shown...

*sigh*

Road Trip...

my new three favorite things....

Chapel Dulcinea






Hamilton Pool




Salt Lick BBQ




*sigh*

so at the end of it all... i said to my boy... 'Jake... good day or bad day?'

'Well mama... Thriving Ivory and Secondhand Serenade are now my bestfriends... it was the best day ever!'

we went on a roadtrip to Maxwell, TX to see the two mentioned bands... they signed pretty much anything my kids asked them too... including my sons bicep which he promptly asked if we could tatoo... yeah you'll thank me in about five years when i remind you that you wanted to do such a thing...

Deidre is TOO much fun to roadtrip with...

If you are in the area... SERIOUSLY... see the above three places... Salt Lick is not really an 'unknown' to those familiar with Texas cuisine... but i don't know how well known the other two are... but they are WELL worth a look...

stolen from my HayJay

I AM … refreshed.
I WANT… to go back to Austin.
I HAVE… to go on vacation soon.
I KEEP… the paper wristbands from shows.
I WISH I COULD… write songs.
I HATE… that word...
I FEAR… my children being in pain.
I HEAR… that little voice in my head telling me to go slow.
I DON’T THINK… clearly before 10am.
I REGRET… nothing.
I LOVE… music.
I AM NOT… ready for cold weather.
I DANCE… only when drunk.
I SING… all the time.
I NEVER… say never.
I RARELY… take a day off.
I CRY WHEN I WATCH… The Notebook or Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.
I AM NOT ALWAYS… at peace.
I HATE THAT… I can't seem to be stronger.
I’M CONFUSED ABOUT… a hundred different things.
I NEED… relax... take one thing at a time... then I'll get it right.
I SHOULD… stop shoulding on myself...

"it all started... naturally with hate me..."

safe to say... if you have seen the tattoo... i'm MORE than passionate about this song... and now this too...

oh my lord...

The Thorn Birds

"There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself upon the longest, sharpest spine. And, dying, it rises above its own agony to out-carol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the price of great pain... or so says the legend..." by Colleen McCollough

ok... i have read this book every year... at least once a year since I was about 11... yes that young for such a mature story...

it's my favorite novel... or it was...

until now... Twilight the Series by Stephenie Meyer

oh My HECK... it's amazing...

"Do you think any of us want to look him in the eyes for the next hundred years if he loses you?" Alice

i don't want to give anything away... but I'm on team Edward... I hear these are labled young adult novels... wtf ever... just sayin' they are well written and as a mid adult... well H.O.T. for me... but i have this crazy vampire thing anyway... I love them... LOVE them...

*sigh*

Michael Phelps

nuff said

Lowest of lows…

The thing about me is that when I’m happy, excited or passionate about something it takes me to this almost magical place where everything looks better, smells better, tastes better, feels better… a friend recently said to me that she never gets terribly excited about anything… but she is ok with that because the converse is that she never gets the opposite which is feeling just utterly shattered.

That’s pretty much where I have been lately… feeling like I can’t get out of my own way… feeling sad… lonely… confused… empty…

I’m not bi-polar ~ I’ve been on enough couches… it would have been diagnosed by now if I was. But I’ll say that it feels that way sometime. I can very much point at all the factors that have me feeling this way and I’m trying to sort them all out… it’s just none of it is a quick fix… it’s all things that take time and patience and you just have to muddle through…

So I’m not in Idaho ~ I need to be… but I had to make one of those awful grown up decisions… I need badly a vacation… not necessarily to go anywhere other than to just shut down my mind for a brief period of time and rejuvenate. I’m working on that.

For those that check in here… I do miss you all a lot. I’m just not a whole lot of fun right now so I’ve kept to myself… I’ll come back around to the happy side of life again soon… I feel confident of that!

'...you are beautiful.'

Who doesn't want to hear that... right... and people tell me all the time... and mostly i know they are referring to what they see on the inside... and that's THE most important part to me anyway...

however... someone lately started telling me that they think i'm beautiful.... to look at... and they aren't legally required to think so...

it's nice.... it's very nice

for my friends who read...

Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller

“Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.” (Blue Like Jazz)

i love this book... take the time... you won't regret it

down to 2...

and i keep trying to find the word...

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN...

did NOT disappoint... and you know i was four rows from the ceiling and with the exception of the 12 year olds that were up front... i don't believe there was a person having more fun in the arena... the person that got the tix told me today he was sorry he couldn't get better seats... but you know what... i was a fan with other fans... having THE TIME OF OUR LIVES...

Jon Bon Jovi showing up to hang out and sing one with Bruce didn't suk either!!!

'i just wanted you to know i had a lot of fun with you last night...'

and thing about that comment is i think i've come a long way in a year... the first time i went to a show when i moved to Texas... i was talking to my gage on the phone on the way back to my apartment... and i remember saying 'i'm not sure how this is going to work... they want to talk and play too much... i REALLY want to listen to the guy on the stage'... my friend assured me that night that after a certain amount of time i'd relax and realize they aren't going to be few and far between... i won't always need to be front and center... or everyone will think i'm a freak... LOL

of course because my gage IS NEVER right... i assured him that if that happened i would lose something special that i treasure so NO that won't happen...

ok ammending that now 'cause he was right... and it's ok... because i think i've found the balance and i don't feel the urgency like i used to which is a blessing 'cause that was heartbreaking sometimes...

and i get to enjoy my friends too and THAT is the best part!!!

can i just say again...

O.A.R. this band makes me HAPPY... ok... i just got Live At Madison Square Garden on DVD... sooo very good... if you like say... Dave Matthews... Reggae... good music... give it a try

and then... ok... seriously

Secondhand Serenade... i can NOT stress enough how much I LOVE THE WRITING... so if you are looking for something new... you won't be disappointed

'You look so rested!'

that's what i was told today... okay... let's give you just a little background... first of all there is the whole MESS that has been my life since January (which if you read my blog you know already)... then last week was Michigan... four auctions a day... 900 properties... ugh

at 5:10pm on Friday... the president of a brokerage in IN called to talk to the president of my company... bottomline... this lady is trying to buy a house... she is havin' a mental issue... tried to kill herself... blah blah blah... (for the record doesn't sound like a good risk for a mortgage if you ask me) anyway... i'm SO not the person in my office to handle this kind of stuff yet it fell on me 'cause well it's who i am... after that however... i was completely SPENT

so it was Greenfest this weekend... friends... music... road trip... we head out on Saturday morning... and all of a sudden four hours later... we chatted our way to San Antonio and it felt like five minutes...

i just have to say... i needed a place... a safe place to just cut loose and know that i would be taken care of... i found it... and i'll tell you what i say it all the time... i am blessed with the best friends in the world... i drank a beer or two... i laughed... i hugged... i listened to my favorite music... there were tears... but the happiest ones!!! i made a fool of myself in front of dktx but i believe he'll forgive me... in fact that's why it was ok because they ALL will forgive me and understand that it was just necessary.

Sunday home was PERFECT, at least i thought so, we took our time... we stopped and sat by the pool... had a beer... listened to Dave Mason... again perfect

i missed some of my favorites and i wish they were there... but can i just say... this weekend did so much to heal what was broken... and so yes today i felt whole... and rested... and LOVED

THANK. YOU.