Mason Charles Walker...

is here!!! and i already love him so very much ~ today was a fabulous day!

i'm pretty sure...

i've never been as emotionally and physically drained as i am right now... tomorrow will be day sixteen of work... my next day off will be Saturday ~ not that i'm complainin' just explainin' ~ it's my first night home... alone in a long time and i'm very grateful for it... i made it through but i gotta tell you... it wasn't easy and well that would be why i'm emotionally drained... there was the possibility of a new boy... i'm still on the fence about the whole thing... it's hard sometimes when your free time is limited you have to really be choosy of how you spend it... do i want to risk wasting the time on something that may not be anything or keep the status quo and just do what i know i love... i've had so many changes this year... maybe its enough for awhile ~ my track record proves that my choices in companions of the opposite sex well let's just say i need improvement... i think the issue may be that i don't 'need' one... i don't know that the ones i've come in contact with know what to do with that...

mostly i love my girls so much and i'm looking forward to Thursday... we get to play to the tunes of Josh Grider and THAT makes me smile!!!

Labor Day '07

so I’m supposed to figure out how to put this all into words…

Saturday is easy… it was a great venue since I was bringing the kids to see Randy Rogers for the first time… outside… grassy, shaded area for their chairs… plenty of games and bounce houses to keep them entertained while we were waiting… a nice size crowd and a PERFECT set list… we even went down front for the encore… Jordan was absolutely in her glory ~ not to mention that i got some much needed love from some of my most favorite ladies in the world… it was over early… which was perfect as we needed our rest…

what can i say about Sunday… the line up was a fail safe in and of itself… but ok ~ two things stand out for me as perfect mommy moments… we waited in line for Jordan and Jake to meet and get their picture taken with Stoney… Jordan has him sign her cd… and Jake ~ ok Stoney taught my son how to make ‘rock star’ fingers… you know \m/ ~ and i have a picture of it even… which is sayin’ A LOT for me ‘cause I never remember to take pictures… but that moment for me was greatness…

THEN as if that were not enough… Jordan decided that for Stoney’s set she was going to the front of the stage… and she did… waited there for about 30 minutes for the show to start… and held her own for the entire hour… the look on her face when she walked back to where our chairs were… was absolutely PRICELESS… I told her… you know I’m always proud of you… but mostly the things I’m proud of up to this point are things that I just expect…do well in school… be polite… conscientious… things like that ~ but for her to be able to hold her own in that crowd and enjoy the show like she did… now THAT is my girl!!!!!

We left after Stoney’s set… the kids were exhausted from so much good stuff already… it was a bit warm… although the threat of rain helped cool it off…

Sunday…. Oh my LORD Sunday… first of all… if I’ve said it once I’ve said it 100 times… all I really need is a boy and a guitar ~ female voices for whatever reason don’t appeal to me and while I can appreciate a full band show from time to time… acoustic gigs will forever and for always be my favorite…

Ok… so yeah a boy and a guitar… well 16 boys with their guitars… that doesn’t suk either!!!

the first set… Walt Wilkins… Darren Kozelsky… Ryan Bingham and Adam Hood…

wait Wait… I need to back up… so I get to the venue… meet Sara we head up stairs and she says to me ‘You’ll need to prepare yourself…’ ~ which I had already known because we bought the tix that included lunch with them ~ and of course… first thing there’s Stoney talkin’ with people like he’s just a regular person… anyway ~ i did fine… kept me knees in check… found the rest of my girls… and while standing there talkin’ to Shelly… Brandon Rhyder comes up to me to say ‘Hi’ and asks me if he can have a hug… ummm sure... I am so not cool enough to be hangin’ like all that…

so Walt… yeah Poetry… tears… nuff said… right out of the box!! These artists complemented each other well and started the evenin’ off in amazing fashion! And Walt and Tina on Someone Somewhere Tonight… again… tears

‘…someone, somewhere tonight
just got their own wings
found some truth
found some beauty
found some meaning
in spite of it all…’ ~ Walt Wilkins

the next set not to offend anyone… but I skipped it… didn’t really know any of the artists and well I needed a bit of a breather after starting out like that…

set 3… Josh Grider… Brandon Rhyder… Radney Foster… Randy Rogers… and Brady Black…

ok… as great as the music was during this set ~ and we heard some new Randy Rogers that is going to be amazing… and well Brandon Rhyder is my latest favorite… but two words my friends… RADNEY FOSTER… watchin’ the artists in awe of him as he played was as entertaining as the rest of it… and Radney singing Godspeed… then Brandon singing Freeze Frame Time… well I was a messy puddle again ~ oh for the random person that is just comin’ upon this today ~ these are all happy… inspired tears by the way!!!

set 4… may i preface this with… in the last four years I’ve had dreams of havin’ these guys all together on stage in front of me… but never truly believed that I would be blessed… and I’m sitting here typin’ this as the tears well up just thinkin’ about it…

Wade Bowen… Cody Canada… Stoney Larue… Jason Boland

For me… for all that this music has meant to me… all the healin’ that has been inspired by some great songs… those four right there get 99% of the credit ~ my favorite cd is a bootleg… and most of you know the one I’m talkin’ about… anyway… it was all I could have hoped for and more… so very much more…

‘if everyone was together
i guess no one would be alone
life's a lot of trade offs in the end...

somewhere in the fields of heather
the proud souls laugh and love together
somewhere between passion and losing friends…’~ Jason Boland *sigh*

so he's a grader now...

first grader... and we had homework...

want to know what my son thinks the best thing about himself is... 'i'm the brains of the operation' and i tried really hard not to laugh 'cause he doesn't get that makin' people laugh is a good thing yet

he looked so cute in his new outfit today ~ let me tell you what... Kohl's has a line of Tony Hawk wear for little boys... VERY cute!!! when i made too much of it ~ what does he say to me 'Mom... they are just clothes... it's not like they will make me popular or anything.'

and my girl... a sixth grader ~ and she has no idea how proud she made me when telling me at dinner tonight that she sat with a new girl who broke her leg over the summer... 'Mom... I volunteered to help her with her books and stuff from class to class 'cause that's just going to be too hard for her.'

again... it's the little gems like those that make me feel like maybe i am doing something right after all...

you know...

every once in awhile i'll hear a song... and wonder if the writer knew me while they were writin' it... i know but they hit so close to home sometimes... so mostly that means for me it's usually the time i need to hear something... to help perhaps with a fork in the road of life...

the most recent addition to the long list of songs that are in my soundtrack....

'she's growin' tired
of tryin' to light your fire
you better wake up.... you better wake up
or she'll be gone
'cause no one stays in love alone...' ~ Brandon Rhyder and Radney Foster

and i'm just sayin'... *sigh*

i'm tryin' i promise... i suk at this

i'm coming out of my skin...

and i have been on this crazy emotional roller coaster for two weeks... and i love roller coasters... but i want OFF this one... now please ~ i am exhausted and i have a bad attitude... i take it out on the wrong people... and i just have this horrendous sadness in the pit of my stomach... i know it's a time thing... and it will fade but i have NO patience...

ugh ~ i need Labor Day weekend now... good music... my dearest friends... and to just be in that place that makes me the happiest ever!!!

so i'm gonna go to Idaho...

i heard a lot over the last few years that i should really listen to them... well i tried a few times... i guess i just wasn't ready or available or on overload or more likely than not i was supposed to wait... and it clicked at the exact moment that it was supposed to ~ and now i'm excited... to be in a BEAUTIFUL place... with the most beautiful souls i've ever met... and just playin' hard... together ~ like we do...

i believe that the countdown has already begun...

'may peace find you tonight
like a breeze through your window
and sit by your light
let it warm by your fire
and laugh with delight
like a heavenly choir
may peace find you tonight...' written by Willy Braun ~ performed by Reckless Kelly

jamie is my favorite...

'And God must be a pretty big fan of "today", because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live.' ~ jamie tworkowski

i had a moment today that took me back to a yesterday that i try very hard to let go of... and yet it lives inside me... down deep where we put the things that broke us... i mostly believe that i've moved on from it... yet like all skeletons... they try every once in awhile to come out into the light... today it was more of a realization that shook my foundation... an explanation of sorts that makes sense yet i want it to go away ~ i choose to not live in the pain and i don't like it when it takes over... while it's very much a part of what makes me who i am... it does not define me... i've decided for tonight to just be... and tomorrow ~ i'll be better for it

i have THE best job...

not even kiddin' a little bit ~ i am TRULY blessed!!!!

Ohio didn't suk... i love putt putt... fireworks... private planes are pretty much the only way to fly...

oh AND my new FAVORITE thing...

'So your from Texas?' ~ i will NEVER get tired of people asking me that!!!

new favorite song...

The Story... Brandi Carlile...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Oh because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through like you do
And I was made for you.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

Ohh yea it's true... that I was made for you

if you are wondering...

why i don't pick up the phone and check in much these days... it may have something to do with this... we started tracking calls at work the last two days... and i average 40... YES 40 phone calls an hour...

i believe that may be why the last thing i want when i walk out the door... is to talk on the phone...

my sincerest apologies if this has 'hurt' anyone... i still love you all as much as ever i promise!!!

to the man who decided...

to attempt to tear me down for 25 minutes today... you have no idea how i ache for how sad and lonely you must be... to believe that talkin' to people in the manner that you spoke to me is the way to interact with another human being must have been reinforced by years of disappointments and failures... i wonder truly if your mother hugged you enough... if you have ever known what it means to be loved by another person or if you have any kind of compassion for anyone in your heart at all... you called me a liar and a racist... and you based such bold opinions on what exactly... that things were not going as you would like them too... my goodness to have gotten this far in life and not learned that lesson already how bad every day must be for you... you claimed i believed you to be stupid... sir i promise you... my children get punished harder for using that word than if they slip on a curse word... because not only do i not use that word... i don't believe anyone is... uneducated in areas from time to time perhaps... however... it's our responsibility as members of this rock... to help each other and educate each other as necessary...

i realize that you do not know me at all... if you did... you would understand that calling ME a RACIST is quite possibly the most absurd accusation ever... i don't even see people as most do... i don't see color... hear accents... i sat with my father in November after 9/11 and listened to the shame in his voice because he had flown for the first time after the horrid attacks on our country and when a gentleman with a turban sat in the row in front of him for a moment he was nervous... even then my father was ashamed that he let that in to his belief system for even a minute... i was raised to believe in individuals and base my opinions on my personal experiences...

or a liar... please... i tell even painful truths because i understand that the consequences of the latter is just not worth it...

sir if you were to knock on my door this evening... with a need for anything ~ i would graciously extend my world to you... i believe if i have and one needs... it's my responsibility as a good human to share... and even still after how you were today... i would with the hope of turning your face towards the sun so that you can see in fact that life can be good... i would extend my hand to you

for now sir... you are in my prayers

i have sunk to a whole new low...

Sunset Tan... it's my new favorite show... who knew that the tanning salon business would be such a stressful one... that there would be so much drama...

and in the rest of my tv world ~

they took my Taquita and Kaui... i'm heartbroken...

i want Ami James to do my next tattoo... or you know what Chris Nunez... either one... heck i just wanna go hang out with them for a day...

The Hills starts back next week ~ YAY!!!

Sunday is the premier of Rock of Love... this should be fun...

Top Chef Season Three has been very disappointing so far... too much hot tub stuff not enough food stuff...

Is Blow Out coming back because i miss Jonathan?!?!?!?!?!!??

yes... ladies and gentlemen... i'm sure there is quality programming on the TV ~ i just choose to avoid it!!

'...you're better than any midnight sex'

'... can't stop cause if feels too good' ~ Libby I'm Listening ~ Blue October

yes Ladies and Gentlemen... you read that right... can i just say... i love this band!!!

and the fact that they sang that live Friday night to a group of really wet... but really happy fans just made it all that much more clear to me... i don't think i truly believed it was going to happen until they came out on stage... i never got that over excited feeling that i normally get... the rain... THE RAIN... the traffic to Austin... there were just so many things that seemed to point to this not happening... right down to the torrential downpour that we drove there in... but we braved the water... had a beer... laughed out the circumstances... decided to find our spot... and low and behold if the sun didn't peak through finally... a double rainbow... stars... and them

*sigh*... and they were so glad that we were there as Justin said... 'I wouldn't have stood out there in that for anything.' but we did... and it was so much more than worth it... and i get in a zone... and i don't even care about anything going on around me... this lady next to me... kept touching my arm telling me she liked watching me... not in a creepy way she was sweet... but don't watch me... the show is on the stage...

there were so many highlights... Sweet and Sombre Pigeon Wings... oh my LORD... the set list... don't ask... i'm terrible at remembering but i do very clearly remember... the feeling of true euphoria that comes over me when they are up there doing what they love...

it was exactly what i needed let me tell you... and the rest of the weekend didn't suk either... random trips to Waco at 3am... our new friend Mark... learning that Hobby Lobby is about to be the next fashion mecca... people watching ~ you'd be surprised the fans of hip hop that we discovered saturday night... we've decided that really drunk girls don't have very good friends... especially if they leave you with your 'posterior' (GREAT WORD Christy!!!) hanging out with two security guards while the ambulance comes to pick you up... laughing with friends... just sharing this thing that i love ~ so much... with others that love it too... i needed that!!!!

did i mention Sweet and Sombre Pigeon Wings???

the plane landed...

and they are safe... thank you Lord... the mostly clear sky this morning was like your hand on my shoulder assuring that all would be well and for that i am truly grateful...

now... all i have to do is get through the next 30 days without my heart... knowing that they are happy and going to have the summer fun they deserve helps...

i love my children... and i like being with them... it's to the point of selfishness that others get to for the next month and i don't.... and i'm not so much a selfish person

i have Blue October on Friday... and a weekend in Austin... i'm hoping to go to a little chapel that i find enchanting on Saturday... and well the rest of the time is mostly up in the air... books i want to finish... a Jason Boland show that i'm excited about because i have yet to see them... well i'm not really counting Wolfdance... lol

the first day alone is always the hardest...

6/28/2007

as of today this great state acknowledges that i am in fact a resident!! it's been over 10 years since i've been a resident of the place that i live... i've been a bit of a nomad over the last few years or so... i think it's safe to say ~ i'm home!

a blessed life...

that's what i have... and it all began when i felt as if it was over ~ i had found that the dream that i believed in was not real... and decided that to be the best me i could in spite of it... some changes needed to be made... and somewhere i found the strength that i needed to make them ~ in the course of that i found solace in song... not that unusual for me i have always found what i need in music ~ this time it put me on a path that lead me to more than i could have hoped for me... a second chance if you will ~ at a dream...

three years ago ~ in the midst of such great pain... i planned a getaway and made my first trip to Texas... and yes again this year as the anniversary approaches i am flooded with memories of how monumental that trip was for me in my life... the friendships that were solidified that weekend are true bonds of love AND believe me in the time since... those bonds have been tested and truly are unbreakable...

from the moment i stepped off the plane that weekend i had butterflies so big they shook my knees and made it close to impossible to stand and really i had no idea why i was so nervous...

that first night... i met people that i had been waiting to meet for so very long... and even was surprised by one that well i was let's just say less than thrilled to meet which today is just unthinkable that he would not be a part of my life...

so many moments are imbedded in my memory with crystal clarity... the drive to Nutty Brown... Wade on the radio ~ EVERYONE singing along... thank you my Laineyloo for that... that car ride gave back more to heal my soul than you will ever know... and there are a few that are blurred by the intense amount of love that overwhelmed me... when we first arrived at the Nutty Brown... i was hugged in the shortest amount of time by more people than i have ever been before... i was truly dizzy...

my first trip to El Arroyo with Amy (i miss her too much!) oh and still today i am at a loss for the fact that Christy did not run away after the drive there ;)... hangin' out by the pool getting to know each other all afternoon... Hill's Cafe... and a moment... it was nothing more than a look ~ but it was one that i believe... has bonded us forever ~ that dinner still it amazes me that any food was consumed amongst all the laughter... RRIH... Peter... Bleu... Danny... Jesse... again so many hugs from so many that were real and genuine...

the knock on my door the next morning... face to face finally with my junebug... truly my soul sister as so many things over the years since have proven... and then renee... i've never met anyone with a smile as bright and believe me the years since have proven what a truly amazing, inspiring friend she is and i am truly TRULY blessed to call her my friend...

i look at my life today and all that is now because of that weekend... the people that i depend on for sanity... i didn't actually meet Jocelyn until the second trip two weeks later.... Sidecar Pub... i've mentioned it a time or two... again another night that helped forge my future... Meg... that night in the Mexican restaurant... you'd NEVER have guessed it was our 'first' meeting...

in fact that's how it is with everyone because you all gave me the greatest gift... you accepted me for who i am and wanted to know.... ME... so i made it easy to share... and be real with you

so just thank you all... July of 2004 truly changed my life... you know what it started in March when Maureen flew to LA... there was something very special immediately between us... she and i have talked about it before and i've told her... it was almost like she gave me permission because of our similar circumstances and responsibilities...

there have been other incredible memories now because of that weekend... and true lifetime friendships that have been forged... my HayJay... another one that never makes me feel like i need to apologize for just being me.. Brandon who gets the way my head works ~ and sets things straight for me when i've made a huge mess unnecessarily...

and Gage... how do you thank the person that says to you when you are at your worst... 'Just get on the plane and let us take care of you..' so i did... and they DID ~ i can't ever repay that... how do you apologize to the one that you weren't ever going to hurt after you have just been horrid... well if you are lucky like i am you don't have to worry too much because they get the pain that you are in and are willing to help you through it... we have been through so much and still at the end of it all when the dust settles or the smoke clears... we are home for each other ~ PERIOD

it's been three years on the calendar... but a lifetime in so many other ways... i am grateful... i am loved... and i am truly blessed

it's funny how people rewrite history...

to fit into the box they want to put it into... how they often forget exactly the role they played in a situation ~ perhaps even the catalyst to something that otherwise would never have happened... i wrote this blog...

http://wrkinonhappy.blogspot.com/2005/08/i-think-i-figured-it-out.html

almost two years ago ~ the reaction to it... changed the course of my life yet again ~ and the thing is most would read that and be thrilled for me... yeah not in this case...

yesterday i sat and read an email that was quite upsetting ~ so here is the thing... i'm tired of these kinds of situations ~ it is in my nature to forgive and forget... well ish... i don't ever forget... but i don't keep bringing it up at every opportunity and TRUST ME the opportunity has often presented itself...

my reality ~ i've spent the better part of the last five years trying to heal... trying to find a new way as the one that i was on previously just didn't work ~ did i try to make that work... yes... Yes... YES ~ there is a long list of things i over looked... apologies for the unforgiveable that i accepted... various compromies made that chipped away at my soul until it was almost unrecognizeable... needs that were met because it was going to make things better... yet nope that didn't work either

i'm not trying to sound like some kind of martyr here... but i was reminded yesterday by someone who was there through it all... that yes... in fact ~ what i believed to be true is in fact the way that it was

so after realizing that nothing more could be done... i stopped trying and said enough... decided to pick up the badly broken pieces of who i once was and tried to put them back together ~ i will admit that this process has been arduous at best ~ and i have made some mistakes in this process... and i have had to make some hard choices... and always thinking of two others in that decision making...

i really want to be done fighting... be done with anger... and just carry on... raise these two little people... and at the end of the day... rest my head on the pillow and just sleep ~ i don't live in my past ~ i have learned from it... and who i am today is a result of it... i know what i will tolerate and what i won't... and do i have the fight in me still ~ absolutely ~ and can i just say... if it needs to get messy... it will because this time i'd be fighting for more than me...

despite various efforts to the contrary...

it was a PERFECT week... Adam Hood on sunday... Bleu Edmondson on wednesday... EYB and my STONEY on Saturday.... there was a fair share of drama on friday that i'm not willing to talk about yet... but regardless of how that turns out... you know i wear a bracelet 'YOLO' ~ you only live once ~ i'm living and LIVING WELL

as previously mentioned...

i gave up on medicine and science awhile ago 'cause i was tired of not feelin' like ME... well they tell me three weeks and i will be 100% better... well after week 1... i'm mostly a raving lunatic that i don't much recognize as me at all... so i'm breathing... and going for a 2nd opinion on Friday... but seriously... lookin' forward to that week 3 back to me feelin' because THIS is NOT gonna fly