to the man who decided...

to attempt to tear me down for 25 minutes today... you have no idea how i ache for how sad and lonely you must be... to believe that talkin' to people in the manner that you spoke to me is the way to interact with another human being must have been reinforced by years of disappointments and failures... i wonder truly if your mother hugged you enough... if you have ever known what it means to be loved by another person or if you have any kind of compassion for anyone in your heart at all... you called me a liar and a racist... and you based such bold opinions on what exactly... that things were not going as you would like them too... my goodness to have gotten this far in life and not learned that lesson already how bad every day must be for you... you claimed i believed you to be stupid... sir i promise you... my children get punished harder for using that word than if they slip on a curse word... because not only do i not use that word... i don't believe anyone is... uneducated in areas from time to time perhaps... however... it's our responsibility as members of this rock... to help each other and educate each other as necessary...

i realize that you do not know me at all... if you did... you would understand that calling ME a RACIST is quite possibly the most absurd accusation ever... i don't even see people as most do... i don't see color... hear accents... i sat with my father in November after 9/11 and listened to the shame in his voice because he had flown for the first time after the horrid attacks on our country and when a gentleman with a turban sat in the row in front of him for a moment he was nervous... even then my father was ashamed that he let that in to his belief system for even a minute... i was raised to believe in individuals and base my opinions on my personal experiences...

or a liar... please... i tell even painful truths because i understand that the consequences of the latter is just not worth it...

sir if you were to knock on my door this evening... with a need for anything ~ i would graciously extend my world to you... i believe if i have and one needs... it's my responsibility as a good human to share... and even still after how you were today... i would with the hope of turning your face towards the sun so that you can see in fact that life can be good... i would extend my hand to you

for now sir... you are in my prayers

i have sunk to a whole new low...

Sunset Tan... it's my new favorite show... who knew that the tanning salon business would be such a stressful one... that there would be so much drama...

and in the rest of my tv world ~

they took my Taquita and Kaui... i'm heartbroken...

i want Ami James to do my next tattoo... or you know what Chris Nunez... either one... heck i just wanna go hang out with them for a day...

The Hills starts back next week ~ YAY!!!

Sunday is the premier of Rock of Love... this should be fun...

Top Chef Season Three has been very disappointing so far... too much hot tub stuff not enough food stuff...

Is Blow Out coming back because i miss Jonathan?!?!?!?!?!!??

yes... ladies and gentlemen... i'm sure there is quality programming on the TV ~ i just choose to avoid it!!

'...you're better than any midnight sex'

'... can't stop cause if feels too good' ~ Libby I'm Listening ~ Blue October

yes Ladies and Gentlemen... you read that right... can i just say... i love this band!!!

and the fact that they sang that live Friday night to a group of really wet... but really happy fans just made it all that much more clear to me... i don't think i truly believed it was going to happen until they came out on stage... i never got that over excited feeling that i normally get... the rain... THE RAIN... the traffic to Austin... there were just so many things that seemed to point to this not happening... right down to the torrential downpour that we drove there in... but we braved the water... had a beer... laughed out the circumstances... decided to find our spot... and low and behold if the sun didn't peak through finally... a double rainbow... stars... and them

*sigh*... and they were so glad that we were there as Justin said... 'I wouldn't have stood out there in that for anything.' but we did... and it was so much more than worth it... and i get in a zone... and i don't even care about anything going on around me... this lady next to me... kept touching my arm telling me she liked watching me... not in a creepy way she was sweet... but don't watch me... the show is on the stage...

there were so many highlights... Sweet and Sombre Pigeon Wings... oh my LORD... the set list... don't ask... i'm terrible at remembering but i do very clearly remember... the feeling of true euphoria that comes over me when they are up there doing what they love...

it was exactly what i needed let me tell you... and the rest of the weekend didn't suk either... random trips to Waco at 3am... our new friend Mark... learning that Hobby Lobby is about to be the next fashion mecca... people watching ~ you'd be surprised the fans of hip hop that we discovered saturday night... we've decided that really drunk girls don't have very good friends... especially if they leave you with your 'posterior' (GREAT WORD Christy!!!) hanging out with two security guards while the ambulance comes to pick you up... laughing with friends... just sharing this thing that i love ~ so much... with others that love it too... i needed that!!!!

did i mention Sweet and Sombre Pigeon Wings???

the plane landed...

and they are safe... thank you Lord... the mostly clear sky this morning was like your hand on my shoulder assuring that all would be well and for that i am truly grateful...

now... all i have to do is get through the next 30 days without my heart... knowing that they are happy and going to have the summer fun they deserve helps...

i love my children... and i like being with them... it's to the point of selfishness that others get to for the next month and i don't.... and i'm not so much a selfish person

i have Blue October on Friday... and a weekend in Austin... i'm hoping to go to a little chapel that i find enchanting on Saturday... and well the rest of the time is mostly up in the air... books i want to finish... a Jason Boland show that i'm excited about because i have yet to see them... well i'm not really counting Wolfdance... lol

the first day alone is always the hardest...

6/28/2007

as of today this great state acknowledges that i am in fact a resident!! it's been over 10 years since i've been a resident of the place that i live... i've been a bit of a nomad over the last few years or so... i think it's safe to say ~ i'm home!

a blessed life...

that's what i have... and it all began when i felt as if it was over ~ i had found that the dream that i believed in was not real... and decided that to be the best me i could in spite of it... some changes needed to be made... and somewhere i found the strength that i needed to make them ~ in the course of that i found solace in song... not that unusual for me i have always found what i need in music ~ this time it put me on a path that lead me to more than i could have hoped for me... a second chance if you will ~ at a dream...

three years ago ~ in the midst of such great pain... i planned a getaway and made my first trip to Texas... and yes again this year as the anniversary approaches i am flooded with memories of how monumental that trip was for me in my life... the friendships that were solidified that weekend are true bonds of love AND believe me in the time since... those bonds have been tested and truly are unbreakable...

from the moment i stepped off the plane that weekend i had butterflies so big they shook my knees and made it close to impossible to stand and really i had no idea why i was so nervous...

that first night... i met people that i had been waiting to meet for so very long... and even was surprised by one that well i was let's just say less than thrilled to meet which today is just unthinkable that he would not be a part of my life...

so many moments are imbedded in my memory with crystal clarity... the drive to Nutty Brown... Wade on the radio ~ EVERYONE singing along... thank you my Laineyloo for that... that car ride gave back more to heal my soul than you will ever know... and there are a few that are blurred by the intense amount of love that overwhelmed me... when we first arrived at the Nutty Brown... i was hugged in the shortest amount of time by more people than i have ever been before... i was truly dizzy...

my first trip to El Arroyo with Amy (i miss her too much!) oh and still today i am at a loss for the fact that Christy did not run away after the drive there ;)... hangin' out by the pool getting to know each other all afternoon... Hill's Cafe... and a moment... it was nothing more than a look ~ but it was one that i believe... has bonded us forever ~ that dinner still it amazes me that any food was consumed amongst all the laughter... RRIH... Peter... Bleu... Danny... Jesse... again so many hugs from so many that were real and genuine...

the knock on my door the next morning... face to face finally with my junebug... truly my soul sister as so many things over the years since have proven... and then renee... i've never met anyone with a smile as bright and believe me the years since have proven what a truly amazing, inspiring friend she is and i am truly TRULY blessed to call her my friend...

i look at my life today and all that is now because of that weekend... the people that i depend on for sanity... i didn't actually meet Jocelyn until the second trip two weeks later.... Sidecar Pub... i've mentioned it a time or two... again another night that helped forge my future... Meg... that night in the Mexican restaurant... you'd NEVER have guessed it was our 'first' meeting...

in fact that's how it is with everyone because you all gave me the greatest gift... you accepted me for who i am and wanted to know.... ME... so i made it easy to share... and be real with you

so just thank you all... July of 2004 truly changed my life... you know what it started in March when Maureen flew to LA... there was something very special immediately between us... she and i have talked about it before and i've told her... it was almost like she gave me permission because of our similar circumstances and responsibilities...

there have been other incredible memories now because of that weekend... and true lifetime friendships that have been forged... my HayJay... another one that never makes me feel like i need to apologize for just being me.. Brandon who gets the way my head works ~ and sets things straight for me when i've made a huge mess unnecessarily...

and Gage... how do you thank the person that says to you when you are at your worst... 'Just get on the plane and let us take care of you..' so i did... and they DID ~ i can't ever repay that... how do you apologize to the one that you weren't ever going to hurt after you have just been horrid... well if you are lucky like i am you don't have to worry too much because they get the pain that you are in and are willing to help you through it... we have been through so much and still at the end of it all when the dust settles or the smoke clears... we are home for each other ~ PERIOD

it's been three years on the calendar... but a lifetime in so many other ways... i am grateful... i am loved... and i am truly blessed

it's funny how people rewrite history...

to fit into the box they want to put it into... how they often forget exactly the role they played in a situation ~ perhaps even the catalyst to something that otherwise would never have happened... i wrote this blog...

http://wrkinonhappy.blogspot.com/2005/08/i-think-i-figured-it-out.html

almost two years ago ~ the reaction to it... changed the course of my life yet again ~ and the thing is most would read that and be thrilled for me... yeah not in this case...

yesterday i sat and read an email that was quite upsetting ~ so here is the thing... i'm tired of these kinds of situations ~ it is in my nature to forgive and forget... well ish... i don't ever forget... but i don't keep bringing it up at every opportunity and TRUST ME the opportunity has often presented itself...

my reality ~ i've spent the better part of the last five years trying to heal... trying to find a new way as the one that i was on previously just didn't work ~ did i try to make that work... yes... Yes... YES ~ there is a long list of things i over looked... apologies for the unforgiveable that i accepted... various compromies made that chipped away at my soul until it was almost unrecognizeable... needs that were met because it was going to make things better... yet nope that didn't work either

i'm not trying to sound like some kind of martyr here... but i was reminded yesterday by someone who was there through it all... that yes... in fact ~ what i believed to be true is in fact the way that it was

so after realizing that nothing more could be done... i stopped trying and said enough... decided to pick up the badly broken pieces of who i once was and tried to put them back together ~ i will admit that this process has been arduous at best ~ and i have made some mistakes in this process... and i have had to make some hard choices... and always thinking of two others in that decision making...

i really want to be done fighting... be done with anger... and just carry on... raise these two little people... and at the end of the day... rest my head on the pillow and just sleep ~ i don't live in my past ~ i have learned from it... and who i am today is a result of it... i know what i will tolerate and what i won't... and do i have the fight in me still ~ absolutely ~ and can i just say... if it needs to get messy... it will because this time i'd be fighting for more than me...

despite various efforts to the contrary...

it was a PERFECT week... Adam Hood on sunday... Bleu Edmondson on wednesday... EYB and my STONEY on Saturday.... there was a fair share of drama on friday that i'm not willing to talk about yet... but regardless of how that turns out... you know i wear a bracelet 'YOLO' ~ you only live once ~ i'm living and LIVING WELL

as previously mentioned...

i gave up on medicine and science awhile ago 'cause i was tired of not feelin' like ME... well they tell me three weeks and i will be 100% better... well after week 1... i'm mostly a raving lunatic that i don't much recognize as me at all... so i'm breathing... and going for a 2nd opinion on Friday... but seriously... lookin' forward to that week 3 back to me feelin' because THIS is NOT gonna fly

hypothyroidism

apparently my thyroid stopped working... which is a big deal... and yeah... strange but a bunch of seemingly unrelated issues that i was either ignoring... or just dealing with... or treating it and it may not be the real problem...

so... yeah... weird

it's one of those days...

that has reminded me exactly why... i have forever been in love with Peter Pan... and did not at all like Winnie the Pooh

no i haven't lost my mind...

so i saw the vampires today...

not exactly a rational term... but my experiences are awful at best and i am not at all a fan... so nothing personal... but yeah... that's what i call them

and now the waiting... see what well pretty much no one that is currently in my life knows... about four years ago... wait... five... i had a big 'C' scare... and when it was over... and i got a clean bill of health i said i wouldn't go back ever

i believe that i'm healthy... i believe that until someone tells you your sick... your not sick... i know too many people who were fine until... and then because someone said so they were... no offense to anyone out there that truly subscribes to modern science and believes... i just happen to be one that it hasn't worked for and i choose to live my life as far away from it as i can... and when my time comes... then there you go...

the earliest memory i have... well it's probably tied... but the most vivid... is the dr holding me down... while one of them attempted a vein... AGAIN... ugh... them makin' my mother leave... not sure why i guess they thought she couldn't handle it... i'd knock 'em out to get to one of my kids in the state i was in that day before i'd leave the room... times have changed... i'm a different kind of parent than my mom... anyway... i was a really sick kid up until i was about 10... and then... the diagnosis... food allergies... and a bunch of odd ones at that ~ might this be why my eating habits are as HORRENDOUS as they are today... probably ~ among other things...

anyway so now i'll wait to hear back ~ knowing that all is fine... believing that my mind is greater than anything they can through at me... knowing that each day... we make anew what was once old therefore... shedding any potential disease with it... it is a visualization thing for me... and the important part is that i TRULY believe it... which is why i went in and this all started in the first place... a seven day headache that i truly could not make go away... so far... they haven't disproved my theories that well they haven't got a clue... it's the nature of science after all right...

anyway... so my anxiety is up because of it... and well i do this alone... 'cause it's not fair to anyone else... i'm sure they will come back with something related to a) my age or b) my gender... 'cause well that's typical... and i'll eat more soy.. drink more water... walk more... sleep more... it'll be fine... but today... yeah... too many memories... that could potentially interfere so needed to get rid of them...

what do you do with THIS...

my son just said... before when i was old and lived in heaven ~ and it was nice there... when i got to pick to come back down and be in your tummy that was a good thing... i don't want to grow old and die again

yeah... just when you think you are prepared for anything... i think i'd rather go back to dealin' with jordan askin' if she can start dating... THAT i can handle

so i've mentioned that i'm reading...

today's life's lessons... 'the attitude is gratitude' ~ yes AMEN ~ i am grateful and if i haven't said thank you lately... well i've been remiss...

THANK YOU!! and if you are reading this... you know for what...

'...thank you for your time' ~ Adam Hood... Coffee Song... so much about that line... works for me... my second love language for example is time... and well yeah ~ that pretty much sums up how i feel about everything these days... life is truly made up of moments... anyway ~ i'm blessed and i know it... so just Thank You...

"Whatsoever you shall ask in prayer, believing, you shall receive." ~ Matthew 21:22

"What things so ever you desire, when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you shall have them." ~ Mark 11:24

ok ~ i realized something else... i talk to myself... but really i don't ~ see mostly i am doing out loud... what so many do privately... and to themselves just because it's what works for me... and does it make me look crazy ~ probably... but i don't even care 'cause i feel good... an open dialog for me has truly been better than any drug they prescribed... any couch session i ever had... you know i haven't found that particular building where many gather on Sundays and holidays to celebrate... worship... fellowship... like such a large portion of the population has... well at the risk of sounding blasphemous ~ there have been two occasions... at a little pub in Houston that is no longer in business... where i have truly felt closer to HIM than i have anywhere ever in my life before or since ~ so my point... i just carry it with me... and hold sermons of my own as needed... and find my answers on the wind... and from a variety of teachers... who all seem to agree ~ Truly

'All that we are is a result of what we have thought.' ~ Buddha

i figured something out the other day...

about why i'm constantly sitting here tryin' to write and just not able to...

i'm in a stage right now where i'm feelin' like i have so much more to learn... not that i've ever been the sort to be deluded enough to think i even come close to knowing it all... but i will say i had thought i had figured some stuff out... and well the proverbial rug... you know that thing that knocks you on your ass... and being older... a bit wiser... all that does is make you feel more confused when things do not go the way that you think they should... or maybe not exactly as you thought they were... so i've been reading... A LOT... blogs by those who are broken like me and finding their own way to put pieces back together... books about walking your path with strength and pride... anything and everything because really all we can do is help each other and i've found some lately that have been doing that for me... helpin' me remember how to keep my feet on the ground... one in front of the other... in and out... all that important stuff that when it gets painful ~ gets hard and sometimes finding a way around or through the pain that is different is helpful...

and yes i'm fine... well i'm happy... i definitely made the right choice... it's not about any of that... it's kind of an internal thing that i've lived with most of my life... and will probably never truly be rid of it... it's why i will continue to be a singleton and the one next to me in a rockin' chair when i'm 80ish.. won't be one that was a romantic love of my life... yet the one that told me once when tyin' my shoes was more than i could handle.... just wear flip flops...

you know in matters that don't much matter... i trust pretty easily... you need money... if i have it ~ it's yours... you need a ride... i'll take you... you need a car... borrow mine... you need something to eat ~ my fridge and my pantry is full... a place to sleep... my bed is yours... i'll snuggle with one of my babies... or my recliner works for me... i'll dog sit... house sit... whatever you need... if i can make it work ~ it's yours

until it comes to me ~ don't try to get in... it's closed officially forever now... 'cause this last go 'round... wasn't what i thought and the pain is in fact too great to bear so much like the wolf that would chew his own leg off... i'm also casting it away so as to be able to get back up and live again... not that i had stopped i just have been well enjoyin' the comforts of my own space... where the ones inside here... are pretty predictable and well for now legally required to be here ~ and i know ONE THING... and that is... they will never feel that i have forsaken them... 'cause some dream of degrees on the walls... medals around their necks... large bank accounts... pretty houses with white picket fences... my dream is that the two that i have brought into this life... will always know that i love them... and am available... and i will always let them know that i'm available... that there is no where ever that i would rather be than with them... probably to the point that they will ask me at some point not to come as they need the time for themselves... but that'll be ok ~ 'cause THAT will be the day... that i will sit back and know that i have in fact been a success...

so this was a bit scattered... will make NO sense to some... perfect sense to others... might upset some... but the thoughts are mine... and maybe now.. that they are here... they won't be so predominantly in my head and i can get some peace on the pillow again

i was watchin' Frankie and Johnny yesterday ~ i adore that movie... and she said something and the quote went something like this... 'why is it that when you are scarred they assume you were hurt as a girl... NO it's because i was hurt as a Woman' ~ something like that... yeah...

and i'm totally LOVIN' My Chemical Romance these days...

'... if you look in the mirror and don't like what you see....
you can find out first hand what it's like to be me
so gather 'round piggies and kiss this goodbye...
i encourage your smiles.... i expect you won't cry'

it's probably a good thing...

i moved to Texas when i did... 'cause otherwise i'd be movin' to the Happi Inn ~ next door to Taquita and Kaui... and hangin' with Rita 'cause i love Love LOVE these three girls...

i think MTV should follow joc and i around... it'd be like Taquita and Kaui meet Thelma and Louise!

it's a practice...

of mine to not say anything ~ when i have nothing nice to say... i call it hiding on occasion... these days are better than most 'cause i don't completely clam up... but i have found that when i'm hurting... to heal... it's really best for me to just be in my head... sort it out... and well get a puppy...



that's my Juno... and the beautiful thing... she loves me... and she just wants to love me... and she snuggles... like the best snuggler ever... while new people are exciting... not so much that she isn't still happiest when she sees me... she listens to me... she loves makin' me happy... we have a few bumps in the road... no question... for example she needs to understand that she will be close to 150lbs... so walking over the back of the recliner is NOT going to be a good idea... so anyway... my Kailey is still the most perfect dog ever... and still loves me THE most... after 10 years STILL... so here's to adding TO the love... oh tonight... they were both drinkin' out of the same bowl... it was the cutest thing ever...

i'm almost through my little phase... and they BOTH help... i'll be back to regular blogs... with all kinds of stuff... but for now... it's just truly all best kept where it is... well except for all THAT 'cause if you read it... there was actually a lot there!!!

i'm supposed to update this...

and i will soon... just everything i have to say... right now... ok... i will say this ~ i think one of the reasons there are supposed to be two parents is so that on days like today ~ when the fact that it's been eleven amazing years... you don't look around and feel so alone in all the emotion that comes along with that 'cause it's OVERWHELMING me this year... again ~ as it does every year...

she is beautiful... she is intelligent... she is stubborn... she is truly an individual... she is kind... she is loving... and today she is 11!

'mama... Morgan La Fay...'

'she's the hottest... most beautiful EVER... well she is kinda old... but still...' ~ Jake my six year old regarding the Medieval Witch that his latest book craze The Magic Tree House series is written about... her treehouse... her library full of stories that she collected while travelling for time ~ for those that don't know... anyway... it was hilarious

My new favorite movie…

and much like Spanglish ~ when i fell in love with that movie… i picked it up ‘cause i needed some fluff in my life and figured i could stare blankly at the movie… not have to think too much… if i’m lucky i’ll giggle occasionally but it would very much balance out the other flick that i rented that is much more the kind that I LOVE… which was also amazing Children of Men… see it SOOO very good ~ terrifying ~ but good

Anyway ~ yeah i was wrong… Jack Black proved to be endearin’ in much the same way that Adam did in Spanglish not typically two actors that make flicks i have to see… Kate Winslet is always lovely ~ when she isn’t flyin’ off the front of a ship… sorry for you Titanic lovers not a fan… and Cameron Diaz was not over the top funny but just enough with the right mix of angst to make you not hate her for claiming to have issues with men… lol

i sat and watched this movie… in utter amazement ~ they took four very different but distinct aspects of my personality and ‘characterized’ them in each of the main player ~ oh yeah forgot Jude Law is pretty amazing in it as well as a single dad with two small children who well just feels like the package deal he has to offer is probably more than anyone would really want to be a part of…

i’m sure those that know me really well will TOTALLY see what i’m talkin’ about ~ regardless… i don’t much watch ‘chick flicks’ ~ i like suspense… indie flicks that give my too many thoughts something to focus on for a bit so i’m not as scattered all about ~ but on the very rare occasion… when i pick one up… well it’s nice to be surprised and not bored.. The Holiday ~ if you are on the fence… don’t be ~ it really is a good movie… not award winnin’ life changin’ good or anything like that… but real without being depressing i guess… lol ~ i’ll leave you with a few of my favorite quotes…

Arthur to Iris ‘…in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend.’

Iris ~ ‘You are absolutely right. You're supposed to be the leading lady in your own life, for God's sake!’

Miles to Iris ~ ‘… i wrote a melody for you too… i only used the good notes.’

so the dust is settlin'...

but damn... at 4:11pm ~ my sister called to tell me that my grandmother was rushed to the hospital ~ she had lost consciousness at some point and where she was at in all that was unclear... the next five hours SUK'D A LOT... i'm not even gonna lie

so this woman... good Lord... to have her strength... we should all be so lucky...

the rest of this story is not for the feign of heart...

when my father (she's his mother) was sixteen... there was a tragic car wreck in which two fatalities occured... my grandmother was the driver... my father's father was one that was killed... my grandmother has never driven a car since that fateful night... i've always known that but fate stepped in when i was in high school... and i heard the complete story of that night... all that happened would have made most that i know... give up on any kind of happiness and just dislike life... not this woman however... not at all

she later found a man ~ the one i know as my grandfather ~ that has spent his life completely devoted to and loving this woman like we all hope to find one day... and her spunk... strength... spirit... faith... has never failed her

she taught me to love music... George Jones... Willie... Charley Pride... Conway Twitty... the ones by which i still measure all i listen to today... she hoped i'd dance... i prefer to sing... but in her living room we would move the coffee table and try ~ GOOD LORD would she try to get me to dance... i still do ~ dance that is... just in my own way... on the inside... where i don't embarrass myself... or with my babies... where i just don't care

just before i moved... i looked this woman in the eye ~ understand something about me... i doubt every person that tells me they love me... to the point it FRUSTRATES many... i have NEVER doubted her love... not for a second ever.. IN FACT... she knows all... she knows that i don't understand the most basic love you should never question... the ones i have ~ questions that is... i've always brought to my gram and her answers are Socratic... and perfect every time ~ anyway i looked her in the eye and said i 'need' to do this ~ for me to live my best life... i need to go ~ but if you want me to stay for you... if you need me to stay and be with you... i will

'Lori, i love you ~ i want you to be happy and know you understand that living life is most important... i will never be the one to hold you back and i will shine with pride in your happiness. i will miss you don't get me wrong i don't want you to go the selfish part of me will miss you and my great grandbabies but do what you need to ~ i always have.'

so realizing that she will be 80 this summer ~ i understand that i somehow have to come to terms with that which i can't even consider... i was a MESS this evening... A. MESS.

she is home now tucked safely away... her crazy freakin' dog bouncin' off her bed i'm sure... and i'll feel much more at ease after she gets a clean check from her own doctor on Monday... but i was truly spared a pain that i can NOT comprehend this evening...

in a moment of false strength...

i said to Joc... 'hey ~ i'll be fine... i'm THE Lori ~ i bounce i don't break'

OK to the powers that be that have now ~ in what may truly prove to be my darkest hour... chosen to test that statement... i was SOOO kidding... please hear this prayer right now and KNOW that losing her would in fact break me...

'won't you please...'

'... come to Texas to live forever
a California life alone (or Vermont or Boston ;) is just too hard to bear'

GOOD DECISION my meg... don't you think... we are so lucky to be here!!!

The Event…

Safe to say it did not disappoint ~ the line up ~ Drew Kennedy, Peter Dawson and Josh Grider started the night off with an amazing song swap set ~ the highlight for me being Drew bustin’ out Dublin Blues… it’s also been a REALLY long time since I’ve gotten to see Peter so that was pretty great as well! I get so torn about these kinds of things as EVERYONE should be listening to these guys ~ the selfish part of me knows however that if everyone was… well then nights like that would be few and FAR between

Then my favorite Adam… seriously ~ ADAM HOOD… not only is he a truly gifted songwriter… he and his drummer put on a show that gives everyone a run for their money and it’s only the two of them… but they have got it all figured out when it comes to stage presence… and that thing I was talkin’ about before with Stoney that light in their eyes when they are watching people as they react to their art ~ he absolutely has it too… he sang my Coffee Song and such a FABULOUS version of Purple Rain… it was Jocelyn and Maureen’s first show… and well yeah they of course LOVED him as well ~ DUH I wasn’t even a little worried

Walt Wilkins whose praises I have sung here before was up next… I have to say it was not at all what I expected which is why I need to take a second look since I now have a better understanding… he is one of my favorites… yet it seems he is going in different direction which may be fabulous… however I was looking forward to a full band show… drawing from the catalog of songs that I know as Walt that wasn’t quite what I got… so for me… I spent this time catchin’ up with old friends… meetin’ new ones… enjoyin’ my $2 beer ~ lol… LAUGHING TOO MUCH… chatting with those that I normally don’t and really just shouldn’t ‘cause I just end up sounding foolish… mostly just truly being in the moment because it’s one I’ve hoped for… for so very long

I walked around this world of ours for way too long feeling lost… wondering if any place would ever truly feel home… would I ever find people who would hear the first few guitar riffs in a song and just get it ~ that tingle up your spine… that feeling that for at least the next oh 3-4 minutes everything is going to be perfect… and on an evening like this… well that happens with every single song and the best is when it’s a surprise when the artist knows that as an audience we appreciate truly appreciate the music so sure go ahead play your favorite song ‘cause we believe in you enough to know that you are gonna ‘own’ it… ANYWAY my point… I’m not lost anymore… and to be there with the ones who became the family that I always wanted to be a part of whether you were there physically… via text or via koozie… it was truly priceless for me ~ so thank you all… for nothing more than just loving me… unconditionally… and totally not in spite of my imperfections but because of them…

Wade Bowen took the stage for the final performance of the evening… and I’ve seen him a few times before… but I became a fan Saturday night… seriously and being there with the ones who love him the most… Danny… Jesse… Renee… Jen and Maureen ‘cause when I think of those who love Wade… it’s THEM… it was pretty amazing… he sang Meg’s and my song… and it was so good to once again be huggin’ her and singin’ along instead of being on a phone with tear stained cheeks… he played ATLANTIC CITY… oh my lord… did he play Atlantic City… and for me… it was the most special because the first time I ever came to Texas… he came on stage to sing that song with someone else that I love… so standing there in that moment ~ I had truly come full circle…

The rest of the night is a bit hazy… between being on emotional overload… completely exhausted… and maybe just one or two too many $2 beers… we found our way home… and the pillow was welcomed… safe to say the memories will continue to pop up… and there will for a long time be moments of ‘oh I FORGOT about that’ ~ and that is the best part of it all!!

At the end of it all….

well just about the end ~ we were sitting there my fellow roadtrippers and i watching our favorite Adam and Drew doing a live radio show… Drew Kennedy played my song… Goodbye

well after a weekend that began with too much rain… a tour of DFW ‘cause well Maureen hadn’t seen just exactly HOW big it is… more man love than should really be allowed at a show ~ although i did enjoy my first Mickey and the Motocars show… i will see them again… it was truly a perfect ending to hear him sing… to the ones who do in fact ‘…deserve much better than tryin’ to hold me together’ ~ but in the words of Mr. Kennedy the song is in fact more fiction than truth ‘cause i am also not that big of a person…

seriously ~ i spent the weekend… with most of the ones who either literally or musically helped me keep things together and gave me hope for the better during what has been the worst period of time in my almost 35 years here on this earth ~ the number of people missing from this weekend is the smallest for me ever… when talking about being in a place with the ones i love the most… it’s the closest i’ve ever been to having them ALL there… that dawned on me at the airport waiting for Maureen and brought the first tear

the roadtrip… ‘cause really that’s almost as much fun as the destination if done right ~ was filled with so much laughter that the fact that i didn’t wreck even though Joc was certain i would SEVERAL times… is borderline miraculous… we got cute boys to call meg’s cell phone ~ which i call BS… i get well you know what i got… and you get cute boys… ~ we found the sweaty roadside porn ummm yeah trailer… no we didn’t stop no matter how hard she tried to convince me that Maureen wanted to… OH WAIT… five minutes into the ride down 75… Maureen asked if we had ever watched Oprah and Gayle’s Roadtrip… apparently Joc and i resemble those two ladies… Joc is Oprah… there were blue bonnets… kolaches… potty breaks… potty breaks in stinky nasty roadside stations that want to charge 2.59 for Chapstick… more blue bonnets… ok yes i’m happy now i see them ~ i really did think they would be bigger… the exception to the rule everything is bigger in Texas ~ except the flowers

we arrived for lunch and Hugs… ‘cause you know ~ ‘if they love us they will hug you…’

we are so fortunate… and the best part is that this day was all about celebrating just exactly that… not sure if that restaurant understood what was going on… we had people that had come from… Seattle; Springfield,MA; Tampa, FL; Las Vegas, NV; Houston via Boston, Allen via Vermont, and so many from this great state we all love including a couple of surprises ~ yay for Joc and Stu… it wouldn’t have worked without you ~ and to watch us… people must wonder… you can’t help but see the love radiating from all of us ‘cause we are part of something so amazing and we are a family… even though we don’t share a drop of blood… our tie that binds is much stronger than that… we love ‘a little piece of music soooo much’ to quote a movie that many of us agree even to be our favorite

k… that’s all I can do for right now… there will be more ‘cause well I’m starting to spill over

so i LOVE my life...

i can't even make this shit up if i tried... Frankie called today... and YES she is in fact happily married to Johnny... they are hoping to retire to Florida so they requested that brochure today... and no i didn't even have to ask she offered that she is married to Johnny ~ BRILLIANCE... to rival diamonds right there

ANNNNNDDDD... Joe Ely's cousin requested to be put on our mailing list and well yeah I did ask... lol

i do have a bunch to sort through with the weekend that we just had... and i will in the next day or so but for today....

'so they say that... Frankie and Johnny were lovers.. just like Romeo and Juliet
time never listens to fairy tales... so love had met the bitter end
he went back to his city life... pennsylvania called his name...
keep on living tryin' to find someone with the time to say...
thank you for the coffee... the simple conversation... thank you for the light shining in your eyes...'

k... Mr. Adam Hood and Mr. Drew Kennedy provided the soundtrack for this weekend for me...

thank you

a few things i believe...

The Secret may just change my life... do you know about this... google it... Law of Attraction..... you get what you believe... positivity brings positivity... i always hoped... and knew that certain things happened to me that just couldn't be coincidental.... no ~ it is the energy i put out... that's coming back... not that i needed a book to define that for me just it's nice to have some validation

2007 may just have the best 'new' music of any year in my life... we got Drew and Jack's new albums today... we get Adam Hood's in May... Bleu is due VERY soon ~ date to be announced... EYB in the fall... and those are just the ones i know about... there will be surprises 'cause there always is for me in music ~ and see this is special 'cause for the first time in a long time i'm looking forward to new like not just new to me but actual NEW albums...

anticipation is fantastic ~ memories are the best however... the feelin' of emptiness that accompanies those two things is sometimes too much to bear

i am finally being the best me i can be... yeah my skin feels pretty good

and i still and forever will believe in '... second star to the right and straight on 'til morning'

and that was just friday!!!

i got to spend my favorite holiday... in my new favorite place in the world... with my favorite people... it was beautiful... the sun was shining the wind was blowing enough to make it comfortable... there were actually fish this time which made the young one smile and squeal... there was long overdue introductions ~ and the young ones didn't embarrass too badly... we had YUMMMY Mexican food... there was a bonfire... and singing... and S'MORES!!!!!

there was only one thing missing... which i guess is why it was perfect 'cause well in all that seems perfect... there is a flaw

oh well there will be other times... more memories... but in case you missed it in the million texts... i missed you

at 2pm i had changed my mind...

i wasn't even gonna go ~ too much stress... work was NUTZ... i was feeling like i was letting down the world... i hadn't even considered another option until it was presented... but it was too late... and it was friday of spring break... i would have needed to arrange a sitter so much earlier than the night before... anyway... i felt so BAD... 'cause i miss him SO much ~ ugh anyway

so 'get off work... get the kids... get your ass up here' ~ PERIOD... there was no wiggle room in that... and so i did

thank the LORD in HEAVEN... and nothing helps clear my mind like a drive.. in my truck... with my music... it's the best for me...

so good news #1... we pull in and immediately my girls are there... but wait 'who's the dude with them' ~ YAYAYAYAYAYA!!!! that was awesome!!! and such a BIG surprise

the place was packed... and hot ~ yeah the sweatshirt was not the best idea i'm sure... but anyway... there comes a point in every night like this one where everything make sense and all is how it should be for me..

so they take the stage... oh my heck... i can't even help it... how much i love this artist... i had thought at one point that i might make the legendary trifecta out of this week... well that wasn't happening... we'll see what the summer brings perhaps when the kids are away... it will be easier for these kinds of things but first ALWAYS first are my babies and it wasn't the right time for that

anway... song after song... i can feel my smile... it's just the best... and there was so many times 'i can't believe he's playin' this' ~ Downtown... Texas Moon... Satisfied... SPIRIT IN THE freakin SKY... everytime i see him i don't think it will ever get any better than the last show... and it always does... just better and better

and have you ever truly watched them on stage.... not the show ~ that's not what i mean... but their faces... 'cause see they are looking out into a mirror and you can TELL they love what they see when the crowd is responding to them doing what they love the most ~ it's BEAUTIFUL one of my favorite things to witness if they are the type of artist that truly recognizes how great it can be... and he truly is ONE of those

then after ~ oh the after... 'come on let's go talk to him' ~ 'no i really don't want or need to do that' ~ 'yes you do... he needs to talk to the ones like you' ~ safe to say i walked away from that exchange... feelin' pretty great ~ and apparently we were the cool kids... 'cause they were all hangin' out with us after ~ i love that!!! and i'm gettin' better at it...

k ~ stoney's face when i told him 'oh no my daughter's name is jordan...' and that laugh that he has... PRICELESS

my friends ~ *sigh* ~ MY FRIENDS... thank you for sharing that with me ~ i truly am BLESSED to know you and to get to spend time with you and well you know...

'Let me tell you... that I love you... one more time...' ~ Oklahoma Breakdown... Stoney rox that song FOR REAL!!!

the thing about motherhood for me...

is that everyday with these amazing people is a blessing ~ i will whine about them... i will speak angrily about choices they make that frustrate me... i will be silent in frustrated contemplation about how do i help them see why things need to be this way... i smile because their wisdom is not jaded or guarded... we sing... we dance... we laugh... we argue... we talk ~ we are solid the three of us

my children saved my life ~ because when it came down to looking at the whole picture and makin' a decision about who i needed to be and the kind of role model i was being... i knew changes had to be made to be someone they could be proud of... someone that would demand their respect... someone they could trust and rely upon... during the hard stuff forever ~ deciding to be that person for them... put me back on the path of being who i truly am and breathed life back into a spirit that was almost gone

so what does all that mean ~ well for me given the fact that we've been extremely lucky in the last eleven years to not have too many trips to the dr for ear infections... no chicken pox... very few bouts of strep or toncillitis... between the two of them... i have more than enough fingers for the non well child dr visits we have had... and i do believe every single time i have had to take them in when they are sick... i hold them on my lap... with tears running down my face... in sheer terror of their mortality starin' at me ~ crazy i get that... and the tears are almost silent so they aren't frightened but it still shakes my core the waiting...

and today i sat with my boy on my lap... and i thought about the joy he brings to my life... and i have a few friends in my life right now that are about to understand that ~ and they are stronger than i have ever thought about being... so i know they will handle the fevers... the coughs... all the yuckies so much better than i do... that's why people get excited because until you have your own... there are just no real words to explain it... so when you know someone you care about is gonna 'get it' ~ the exuberance is OVERWHELMING

anyway... no real point other than... part of that lifesaving they did for me... leaves me at the end of days like today ~ alone with too many feelings... and that's why i have this mostly... for a place to put all that...

friday night...

Fuddrucker's and quite possibly one of the umm yeah not best movies i've ever seen... AND Dolly karoke... which was HILARIOUS and red neck home videos that were pretty freakin' funny all of this with my jocelyn....

saturday... laundry and life...

sunday... a surprise mini anniversary party for my mornin' glory...

i love that i'm living the life i want to LIVE!!!

to have this said...

'hey... she's not my ex anything... she's my future everythin'

k... that right there will keep me going always and forever

and in other news... i have plans with my favorites... my favorite HOLIDAY... my favorite ladies... and my favorite STONEY!!!

so a new thing...

i haven't listened to the radio in well YEARS now... which is not to say there isn't music in my life CONSTANTLY... but i like to choose what i hear... 'cause mostly well they just suk!

well i've been listening to the radio the last oh week or so on my drive to and from work.... and i LOVE it... yeah there is still the junk there always was... like ok this Joe Nichols song this morning... i'll wait for you or something like that i don't remember the exact name... and it's not really junk i suppose but yeah i was in TEARS 'cause well it's just you want to be loved like that... who doesn't and if you say its you ~ your LYIN' ;)

but what i've loved well let's see i believe it was Friday... Radney and Pat sang Texas in 1880 to me... not from my cd no... just randomly on the radio... oh my favorite part of that song and the way we sing it... 'they'll be those nights when Lori comes round... we'll tip our hats and wave to the crowd ' ~ lol yes i'm a DORK... please i know this

and then there has been Carry On ~ yes CARRY ON... and all of this after my little rant.... geesh... k so i'm not mad anymore... if my junebug isn't mad well i sure have no right to be 'cause if you know anything about her well SHE was THE ONE first... PERIOD ~ glad she rang in on this 'cause i've wondered a bit! thanks my lovely...

there are still too many commercials... and the DJs love to hear themselves talk and try to be funny ~ i'm sure they are... i just LIKE MUSIC... and too much that i would just rather not hear... k ~ my biggest issue Life is a Highway was already done PERFECTLY... why those flat boys thought they needed too and i love CARS... but pull out the other version... it rox on its own... but i love that i get to hear well i heard Stoney ask Joc... she was on the phone... i got giddy

i promise.. i'll stop soon... but for so long... it was just so BLAH... i'm really loving all my beautiful moments each and everyday

k....

all that i said in the last post.... well the meat of it... nevermind ~ i just need to relax 'cause i know whats real and sometimes i let silliness affect my judgement 'cause it seems real

what a freakin' day...

yes... see what makes it perfect is that there are still bad days... k ~ it wasn't bad ~ but i am strugglin' with trying to figure out how to let something go that needs to well i guess just go... i'm not sure how to do this 'cause i TRULY believed... and the pain that would come well i'm strong enough i know this now... but i don't want to test it... one of those that know my truths told me what i should do... but the answer to the question scares me... another puts up with so much more than she should... so i'm BLESSED... i need to stop... take stock... and make. a. decision.

because at the end of it all... i truly do deserve to be so much more important than i'm feelin' right now ~ see i write that and hear the voice saying 'do i have to tell you everyday' ~ well NO but maybe every other or every third wouldn't hurt

i hate that i just wrote all that... but i'm leaving it 'cause it's necessary...

oh on a lighter note... there is the possiblity of a boy that makes me smile... good lord... k.. nevermind ~ this is too much to think anyone might consider... k ~ thanks for listening... Carry On

"So do you like living in Texas?"

my dear friend asked me tonight... the one that i didn't want to tell... the one that watches over my beach... the one that taught me how to be a mother... i just had to be honest 'cause this weekend had a plan ~ well then life intervened.. SO even after that... my answer was still a resounding YES.. and then all the reasons why... and all the things that are so great about my life right now...

that's so hard for me to do 'cause i know how much she didn't want to hear that... i know how much she has wanted me to move back to my beach...

so i had a plan... and it got thwarted early on in the weekend... but still i sit here feeling pretty great 'cause you know... i go up to OK ~ and i sit and we just LAUGH... we laugh at goofy things on tv... we laugh at the kids... we laugh at me... i'm so FORTUNATE to be loved by her

and she loved me first when i was the most broken... they both did... OH yeah 'k... he tunes out when i talk about Pat... and i'm supposed to be mad at Pat.... SO why then was i crying in Blockbuster you might wonder... well cause i answered my cell... and live from SoundCheck in Chicago... i have Pat singin' "Tryin' to Find It" ~ i'm never surprised... NEVER yeah ok... never minus twice now...

i LOVE my life...

my babies have been so fortunate...

to have known so much love in their life ~ something that has always been important to me is makin' sure they have an appreciation of those that came first... the lessons of the generations before us are vital in growing compassionate... understanding... loving people... during their lives they have been blessed with not just the love of their grandparents... but their great-grandparents minus two great grandfathers... have been a large part of their lives

they have heard stories of a time when... telling stories around the dinner table was the entertainment for the evening because there was no tv... they understand that a very large part of who they are comes from a land far away and have heard the tales of what the journey to this country meant... what it cost ~ and not in dollars... these woman are beautiful... they are strong... their humor is infectious... their beliefs... their will...

today i got the news that they lost one of these amazing women and i sit here broken hearted... the woman who truly raised their father... his grandmother passed away yesterday ~ such a great loss for them and for me... when she first heard that our marriage was over she hugged me... kissed my cheek and said 'Lori... I don't divorce anyone.'

i haven't told them yet ~ one of the benefits of living so far away is that i can delay the pain... i will tell them soon but it will devastate my daughter as she so much loved her GrammaDora... 'You know mama she says good night to us each night as she passes our picture on her way to bed' ~ there are so many difficult things you have to do as a parent... but i think this is the hardest... especially when you are hurting so much ~ yet you have to try and be strong for them because they need you to be

She was truly Loved... and She will be missed... Godspeed... GrammaDora

that's my driver...

WOO HOO!!! and we SWEPT California... my Matt Kenseth did!

see the whole Daytona Crew Chief Suspension may be an actual sign of good luck... i'm just sayin'

to lighten up a bit...

y'all know about my numbers deal... so the answer to the burning question that most of you keep meanin' to ask i'm sure ~ am i excited about going to see 23

Ummm No... here is why

my beautiful Jordan... named after the great one himself who once wore 23... was born on 4/19 which 4+19=23... and i gave birth to her when i was 23... so for me... it's a number that means completely the OPPOSITE of what this movie seemingly is about...

told gage that story... creeped him right out... lol

in an important conversation last week…

a dear friend pointed out that my ‘achilles heal’ is that i truly look for the good in people and can always find it even if i have to overlook a lot of other things… i understood the point he was makin’ in terms of the prices i’ve paid in the past because of this and it’s not something i really even want to change because i don’t want to become any more bitter… skeptical or cynical than i already am

so the reason this quality is my tragic flaw ~ when i am confronted with the blatant ugliness of something i believe in… it HURTS and i am sitting here in complete SHOCK right now

i liked believin’ that we were ‘the cool kids’ and not so much because i have any kind of need to be cool… i’m not even kind of cool… i just believed that we ‘got it’ ~ that even though a vision was forcing change… momentum… growth that was encompassing a much larger audience i believed there were those of us ~ and TRUST me when I say I’m at the back of the pack of those people… i’ve always felt like i was the last to hear the BEST secret ever ~ but i believed there were those of us that you would never leave behind...

i remember back in the beginning of my relationship… throughout our days ~ those of us that believed the most FIRST… we loved sharing our stories of how you made our lives better… of the healing that we felt because of what you sang… i remember one day you showed up at our home ~ one you built for us ~ and i sat paralyzed… in tears at my computer because it was you… and even though there was a computer screen between us… it was the first time i knew for sure we were in the same place…

well at this point that has changed… i have pictures to prove it and even better memories of so many occasions where ~ i got to put another piece of the broken me back right again because of you… is this all too much to put on someone maybe and it’s not really… it was the music so much more than the man… it was the fellowhip with others like me so much more than the man ~ i GET THAT… but for ease of writing something that i need to write but hurts so much…

i hope that the ones that follow you now are as appreciative of what they have ~ we certainly were those of us that are left behind… see i know most of them personally and they are the loves of my life ~ the ones i choose to spend the rest of my life with and our bond was forged out of a common love of you… i understand truly what you mean to them and will forever and that is something that is hard to recreate on this new level with the means that you are choosing to attempt to do that with

for the record i’m not offended… it takes a lot more than a four letter… wait seven letter word to offend me… it’s the shifting tide… the apparent compromise in beliefs… the way I see it… your playing both sides of the fence… on one hand you’ve changed… your more mature… not in college… have a family and that is the reason for the change… and on the other… don’t be offended… it’s a college thing

k… after all this… i will forever love you… i was just telling someone that i miss you… but this morning… this hurt

there is never enough time...

at least in my world there isn't... yet what are we rushing around for... where are we going exactly ~ that's a frustration for another day i guess... and i will come back to it 'cause we all need to stop and spend some time taking care of each other i think...

anyway ~ so somehow i made it through those 9-12 weeks ~ see i don't even really know how long it was... i do remember the first time that the phone rang... so much tried to come out all at once that it all got stuck and not much made it's way out at all

anyway ~ i gotta get that island that i'm gonna take everyone that i love too soon so we can just be... 'cause it's already been a week... there wasn't enough time... now there is only one left and this one will be spent at the other end of the state with others that have pride to express and times to share...

but there was friday night... where we stood together and it was perfect... watching everyone and being in our space where we were able to revel in all that being there together meant... where we once were... how far we've come... how grateful we were for the ears... shoulders... and hands that helped us along the way... at that time in that moment... pride was not at all a sin

it was indeed the best investment i've ever made... i'm honored to be on the short list... stay true...

for those that aren't on myspace...

so an old friend 'found' me recently... and in checkin out 'his space' ~ i was introduced to this... most of you know about my depression issues and most of you help me through my lows continuously... this is an idea... a cause... a passion that i can support...

READ THE STORY HERE.

TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS.
by jamie tworkowski

Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."

I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her.

Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her.

She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm.

The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.

She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her.

I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes.

Thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando's finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous, a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London just to catch this show.

She is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott's) Travelling Mercies.

On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos tour is in town and I'm not even sure we can get in, but doors do open and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly hope.

Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone. One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar, singing songs she's inspired.

After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff.

She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life.

As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."

I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly.

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.

I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember.

so in being silly last night…

i made a comment about the fact that i divide my life in two segments… pre Stoney and post Stoney ~ and because i’m well me… i’ve spent the better part of the last 15 hours overthinkin' that statement…

it was in april i believe… plans had just been finalized for the kids to go be with their dad for six weeks and i was sad… terrified of being away from them for too long… doing what i do… surfin’ the net… listening to music ~ i was still pretty reserved about the internet so mostly i was listening to the one who brought me to it all… lurkin’ on a few websites that i had been checking out not sure what to really think even though everything i felt was that it was safe… so big announcement… picnic in the Park… in Austin… what the heck… i’ve got nothing better to do… i've got no reason to be ‘home’ ~ booked a trip…. a hotel… bought a ticket to the show… and THAT was the day that my life changed… that’s when the line was drawn

k… back to last night ~ that song i wrote about… well before that line was drawn ~ i had no one in my life that i could have said… ‘oh listen to this… it does… that thing that it does for me… ‘~ before i would have just been left with this overwhelming ache… the need to share something and there was just never anyone there ‘cause i’ve always been the one who ‘gets a little crazy’ about music… but now not only do i have people that i can share that with… but it grew to more… see the thing about this passion is that it is such a big part of who i am… way beyond just music but how it affects the way i perceive life in general the way i react to situations… the choices i make… the way i interact with people…the way i raise my kids… just everything…

so here it is almost three years later… the road has been well what the road of life is… full of peaks and valleys… uturns… too much construction and congestion at times… and days when you feel like you could just go forever ‘cause there truly seems to be nothing in your way ~ and through all of it… in this ‘after’ life… you have all held my hand at the very least on the best of days... carried me through on the days when it was just too much for one to handle on her own… you believe in me… you celebrate me… you tolerate me… so on this day before the one I don’t celebrate anymore ~ outside of a little something for the two halves of my heart… today I give you my thanks for the love and the friendship that you overwhelm me with each and everyday… you are all forever my valentines’ and I’m blessed for that

music may be the reason i came... but the people they are the reason that i stayed...

'...you deserve much better...

than tryin' to hold me together...' ~ Drew Kennedy...

OH MY HECK... new FAVORITE...

'you deserve the truth...
you deserve your youth
you deserve much better than holdin' me together...'

i hate it when this happens... 'cause what happens is i can't ever get enough... when i find something that i FEEL like i do this song

'i've never had more fun in my life...
when you think of me remember that night
if i have the right to ask that's what you do
'cause i'm so in love with you
and you deserve much better than tryin' to hold me together'

'... i believed you when you said you'd never leave
so please let me....'

it's on his myspace.... www.myspace.com/drewkennedy... 'Goodbye'

this obviously isn't the whole song... just the ones that got me...

my friends are just the best…

after my little mommy tantrum ~ which was real ~ and the steam that was released here was necessary… but you know i’m not sure why but in this head of mine that just never stops i am convinced that at some point in time they (my friends) are all going to realize that i’m really not worth it and leave… wonder why i feel that way… anyway ~ so i got my smile brought back to me by a phone conversation… and i actually slept good thanks to a movie that made me laugh outloud even though my initial thought was ‘… there is NO WAY I’m gonna like that’

i’m truly blessed and THAT is reason number 2 why i moved here!

when people ask...

why i moved to Texas the natural assumption seems to be.... 'oh is there a guy'

my response is always... 'oh no... i've got two hands and two kids... that's all i can handle'

having said that ~ do i sometimes think it would be nice ~ sure... but then i have a night like tonight ~ JOCELYN STOP READING HERE YOU WILL BE FINE ~ and it feels like the whole evening is full of just constant trials... seeing how far i can be pushed... and i'm not gonna lie i'm exhausted tonight so that makes it worse... but i've tried to keep that in mind when scolding yet ~ if i were the type to compare... which i'm not for the most part... i gave them both a pretty severe warning when they started pushing my buttons early ~ well one got the picture and i really didn't have to say another word... the other one not so much

so when it's quiet and i'm alone with my thoughts in the time that i am usually thinkin' it would be nice to have someone to go over the day... to watch whatever or nothing with... to just bounce life off of ~ on nights like tonight i'm reminded why i will never be able to have that... i can't imagine that anyone would want to be part of this... it's messy on nights like tonight and it makes me uncomfortable because the right thing... is the hard thing and its to stand my ground and explain why bad choices have consequences and no you can't do that because all the behaviors up until this point in time have shown me that you don't deserve it... so if i'm feeling uncomfortable and they are mine... how could i ever think that someone would choose to be part of this...

anyway the conclusion to it all ~ she is a girl... so the guilt is poured on... that's always fun ~ in the end there are tears and there are apologies... attempts at understanding and promises of better days

you know... we haven't had these in a year and a half... i actually moved here to have these kinds of evenings because in the long run... they will be better for them

i would never intentionally hurt anyone...

it's just not who i am ~ yet i live everyday with the fact that i did hurt one of the ones i love the most... there are excuses... i prefer to call them reasons but the bottomline is that it happened... i'm not proud and i will truly spend the rest of my life knowing that something that was once untainted now has a scar... i will apologize everyday if that's what it takes... i've tried to explain it... i think i have ~ i'm not perfect and when i'm in pain you mostly wouldn't really recognize me...

having said all that ~ everything considered... i'm glad that while i was hurting and being self destructive i'm grateful that you were there because if you hadn't been... it might have been worse if that is possible... so just

again

i'm sorry

and

thank you

ok i LOVE this and HAD to share...

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,
mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself;
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul;
if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty,
even when it's not pretty, every day,
and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."-Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Invitation

'Have you ever seen Dallas..'

'... from a DC9 at night?'

well no... but from the 30 freeway last night... she certainly was a jewel oh my lord this city that i live near is absolutely gorgeous...

i went to see Bleu last night at Woody's ~ which i had been to previously however yeah... i discussed this with Jocelyn this morning... i really was kind of out of it around that show ~ don't get me wrong i remember every single moment of the show i've decided that something happens to me that is very similar to a state of intoxication via substance when i'm at a show because my memory varies in degrees of clarity and the after math is pretty much all lost in oblivion... it can be completely measured by how much i love the show without question

anyway i digress ~ have i mentioned here ever how much i just LOVE THE BLEU EDMONDSON BAND ~ well i just do and last night was just perfect ~ from my song right out of the box... ish ~ to his acoustic cover of Springsteen's The River... another personal favorite of mine... i was fortunate to see them back at the end of November in NYC but there is nothing like sharing music with those that love the way you love it... and i gotta tell you on a Friday night there are so many reasons for people to 'get happy'

the new bass player is gonna be a great addition ~ and yes you do kind of 'just wanna put him in your pocket' ~ his face when Wendy introduced herself was one of those really great moments... the new material for the new record is so good ~ i'll be talking about these guys a lot this year... i've already figured out that i can see them again... closer to home at the beginning of March and THAT makes me very happy!!!

just some thoughts...

apparently the idea that i live here now is a bit weird to some ~ and i can understand that as it happened so fast ~ it’s funny ‘cause i get these questions about how life is all the time… it’s the same… but it’s a better same… there is still never enough time… 12 miles here takes every bit of 45 minutes and so yes we get home… we have dinner… we hug… and it’s bed time for all of us as 6am comes really early… the better in that is i am the one fixing dinner ~ sometimes there are veggies sometimes not… helping brush teeth ‘cause yeah he still needs a little help with that… i’m the one tucking them in… yes i’ll get your water and you may sleep with that take along toy… no you may not fall asleep to the tv… but you may have 15 more minutes and then i’ll come shut if off… we all have our own space where in which we can retreat as needed to collect ourselves when moments get heated or fits get thrown ~ it’s not worth it so i don’t want to see or hear it… it’s not technically ‘my house’ as i don’t own it and it’s an apartment ~ i get all those things… but when you walk in… it’s mine and as my six year old so eloquently put it… ‘it’s a kind of home service place cause we have a park for us and for kailey plus two swimming pools so it’s better i think’ ~ everything about each room has our signatures on them… from jake’s framed thomas, bertie and harold on his walls… jordan’s funky comforter and pre-teen posters on the walls… to my PEACE sign over my bed… my bears watching over me as i sleep and the pictures of the places i love a lot on the walls… the mess i leave behind is the one i come home too… the food in the fridge is stuff we actually eat.. and if we are low i’ve got three grocery stores and a Super Target within 5 miles so it’s not an all day affair to shop… there is a movie store just outside my gate… ‘cause oh yeah I’m in a gated complex so do i fantasize that i’m kind of like my housewives in Coto… lol yeah just a bit ‘cause i’m a dork like that ~ anyway there is a movie store… and i still have issues getting movies back on time… there have been shows ~ REALLY good ones… one with babies where they met *sigh* Stoney yeah… dream come true moment and i still suk at takin’ pictures cause yeah didn’t get one of the three of them and i should have… but i can retell the story and it was a good one… there will be other photo op moments… there was my first Brandon Rhyder show with Heather and Sara ~ Joc informed me via text that Brandon is in fact allowed to stand wherever he wants even if that happens to be right next to me… and there are shows that won’t work ‘cause Thursday nights are just too hard to try and work out… plus again 6am comes really fast… but i’m ok ‘cause there will be others… there have been sleepovers… movie nights… playdates… there is a birthday party on Saturday… jake needs a haircut… my Colts are in the Super Bowl but can i just say that the fact that they beat the Patriots would be enough if I would not have to hear about how many Super Bowls the Pats blah blah blah.. so yeah we have to win…


Ok after all this you get it… I think… it’s just life ~ BUT it’s exactly the one that i wanted to live and that makes all the difference in the world

signs...

you know... yesterday sucked ~ i'm not even kiddin' a little... but because i am me... and i believe the way i do... i'm gonna have those days ~ by late last night i was questioning every decision i've made in the last six weeks and wondering if perhaps i made the wrong choices

so i went in this morning to fill out the paperwork for my new job ~ thursday is my first day and when i left the interview i felt really good about the environment... i found the woman who interviewed me very easy to talk to and i felt it was a place that i could fit in and be a true part of their organization... so i'm excited but because of the way that things played out yesterday... some of my excitement was extinguished... as i was completing all the necessary forms there was a surge in the electricity and a breaker was tripped... when it was reset the lady that was assisting me walked over to the cd player to put their music back on and my eyes followed her and what was sitting outside of it's case on top of the cd player... Three Days ~ THE cd that changed my life PERIOD...

yeah... i believe in signs ~ thanks for that one today ~ i'm gonna be so much better than ok i believe in that

i got a message...

that my favorite lesser known singer/songwriter has a guitar again ~ that makes me happy... all things considered on this weekend that ~ well wasn't what it was supposed to be... yet everything is just as it should be!

the pictures are hung...

in fact if you walked in right now... you wouldn't think we just moved in two weeks ago ~ and tonight i came 'home' to what is truly my first home that's mine... i've lived a bunch of other places but they were my parents or places that i shared with another... this one is mine... i picked or i think at 3:45am it picked me... it's got the something old... something new... borrowed... blue ~ not to be hokey it's a very similar feeing for me

and it's where i want to be... the kids are going to be lovingly challenged to be the best that they can be here... there are all kinds of cultural choices that will be as diverse as i've always dreamed for them... i will be able to share with them not just the music and the artists that i have come to love and admire so but so many that love me so much have never met the two that make me whole... and i guess that is just it ~ i feel whole... here... in this place that becomes perfect because of its imperfections

they are safely tucked in their own beds... in their own rooms... under designs they chose to express who they are feeling like they are today... they go to bed exhausted and wake up refreshed and ready for the challenges of the day... i pick them up from school and they are fighting for air time... so many new... (J ~ 'Mom you didn't tell me Texas has its own pledge of Allegiance' M - 'well i had no idea') exciting... (j ~ 'we got to go to the science room today and there is rocket camp... can i go there?') fun... stories to share

so i'm nervous... i'm excited... i'm happy... i'm anxious... i'm comfortable...

i'm HOME

so if you don't have a Joc...

in your life... you need to get you one ~ 'cause when you can't move as your son is slipping in the water on a beautiful Saturday in Oklahoma... she'll take two leaps and a bound... scoop him up... and all is perfect... so like the little redneck that he is... we stripped off the wet shoes, socks and pants and he fished all afternoon in his boxers... it was pretty great... and it only took me about oh an hour or so to feel my heart again

that's only one of about a million reasons that i'm truly blessed that she calls me her friend... sorry i'm missing the castration tomorrow.... but the blind cows at the auction this weekend were about all i can handle... i'll be there when they start having the babies and we'll bottle feed as necessary... jordan's got names all ready... it's gonna be GREAT!!

all other things are going relatively well... i really love my town... i really love my apartment ~ you'll probably tire of hearing that but i'm just really happy right now ~ oh... the only hiccup so far is figuring out when it is necessary to dial '1' and when it isn't... i truly can live with that!

so here we are!

almost a week as a Texas resident... it's pretty fantastic... i love my new apartment... the kids love their new school... joc already got me drunk... it's gonna be great!

seven more wake ups...

safe to say my stress level is off the charts... i adore you all... i will update you about mid-january when i land... kidding ~ ish ~ but i can't sit still right now ~ i'm not sure i was thinkin' clearly when i decided this might be a good idea... ok... much love.... Happy Holidays!

'... cause when you know who you want to spend the rest of your life with
you want to start... the rest of your life... as soon as you can' ~ Dierks Bentley

i'm guessin' not exactly why it was written... but it fits!

never gonna be mother of the year...

don't even want to be in the running... i just want them to be respectable... decent... loving... independent... thinking... caring... compassionate... honest... contributing members of this world... that's the goal

so i get a call today from jake's teacher... there was an incident a few days ago... i call the home number ~ which ok yeah it's a small town but still freaks me out... leave a message 'cause she's not home... pace the house for two hours... comment to my dad that 'She has to call back she's a mom she has to know what this is doing to me.'

the phone rings... the long and short of it... jake and another little boy cause a disruption... they are told they need to come up with an apology for the class... apparently my son was not happy with the other little boy involved in the situation because this is what he was overheard as saying... 'I really don't like you right now. I really want to hit you but that is not allowed.'

OK ~ i don't want a bully... i'm totally against violence... having said that... i like the fact that at six my son has the self control to not just act on his feelings of rage and anger... AND i like that he isn't shy to say what he feels... these are all going to be very valuable traits later in life... he needs to learn to steer clear of the people that provoke these kinds of feelings ~ so that's what we'll work on

'and i would have stayed up with you all night'

'... if i'd known how to save a life' ~ the fray

this is my new obsession... my new favorite website

www.howtosavealife.com

check THAT out

the rest...

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong,
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life ~ The Fray

there are some people...

that come into your life ever so briefly but leave a lasting impression... you hear that all the time and it's so true ~ the first time i was at my Sidecar Pub... this beautiful lady came up to me... 'hi i'm Jodie... i'm not on GW much but i know who you are and i wanted to introduce myself...' and the conversation continued from there... she has a spirit about her that just makes you smile... real and true from way inside... and she pointed her husband out to me... he was in the sound area... and you could just tell from watching him that he truly loves what i am most passionate about

i was only around them one other time and it was on of the top five nights of my life... one of those that i will never forget and truly believe that all the people that should be there... were... i got another hug... and we laughed and chatted... and listened to the one that we love most

through the years we keep in touch every few months... checking in making sure that we know we are thinking about each other... but life takes us on the paths it does and sometimes they don't cross as often as you might like them too

so that is why i sit here with a heavy heart... sending my love and prayers and strength to these two beautiful people... they need it tonight more than anyone and i would ask anyone that might come across this little rambling... to say a prayer for Jodie and Harry... thank you

because they heard a song...

that's it... that simple... they called me ~ 'cause they love me... that's how my day ended yesterday

this is how it started... i was here on the internet doing some necessary moving stuff... and logged off... went to the kitchen my house phone rang ~ a little background here in the woods we have no high speed internet... our dial up goes out through my parents phone line... so if people get a busy signal they automatically call on my line ~ ok so i answer my house line and it's my sister...

me ~ 'hi... mom's in the shower and i'm not sure where dad is...'

j ~ 'that's ok... are you working today?'

me ~ 'yeah but not until fourish... do you need me to watch KC?'

j ~ 'no i'm off today getting ready for the weekend'

me ~ 'oh do you need me to go to the bank for you'

j ~ 'no'

me ~ 'oh... ok then'

alright at this point in the conversation ~ i'm just baffled 'cause she never calls me just to chat with me... ever... we used to be close ~ well closer but i don't know apparently she doesn't get that i don't now... never have... will never... judge her for anything it's not my place ~ we had a pleasant conversation and while i'm glad for that i'm not sure if the point is that she has realized all the time she has missed being bitter with me about whatever it is ~ and hey i'm telling you people have met her ~ i'm not exagerrating i was completely ashamed of the way she treated... Brandon and Gage ~ heck i don't even think she took the time to come to the house when Jocelyn was here...

and the thing is because of the phone calls i got last evening... and the little emails i get... the text messages i get... the myspace comments i get... i don't even really think about it anymore ~ i'm blessed to be loved and the fact that blood is not the connection between all of us ~ well sometimes families are made not born

so to my sisters... thank you... for loving me...

two years ago today...

he was beautiful... inside and out... loving... caring... forgiving... genuine... eccentric...

he loved me as his own... and i loved him back so very much... i hope he is proud... i KNOW he is watching over me

random stuff...

so i had a moment when i wondered if i could actually do all this... and the one who tells me my truth told me that in everyway that matters i have done it a long time ago ~ and she's right... good thing i'll be able to be around her a lot more ~ so my son asked me to smell something for him last night... when i said no... he said please i'll take you to see the band if you do it... so he has his mama all figured out already!... i want a mirror that will allow me to put on my make up... do my hair... make sure my jeans are zipped my shirt is straight... BUT DOES NOT show my figure... i know i'm not fat... yet... i look in the mirror and UGH... i look huge... there needs to be a way to fix my head on that too... i hate that i get so damn intense over football ~ it's just a game life as we know it will not cease to exist... explain to me how i can watch a U2 concert... a Dave Matthews Concert... Lindsey Buckingham and Little Big Town on Crossroads... a James Taylor Tribute... not to mention listen to a few cd's yesterday ~ i know all the words to every song on these shows... some i've known for my whole life ~ yet i hear all the time how artists forget the words to songs even they wrote... baffles the mind ~ oh and could i take some of that memory and apply it to something that would be beneficial like remembering to grab my purse and my cell phone... keys or whatever as i'm leaving the house so i don't have to do the back in three times before actually leaving... it hit me last night ~ my dog is nine and a half... not sure how that happened but i don't like what that means... oh wait she's gonna live forever nevermind i forgot for a second... ok done now... thanks...

'well it's friday...'

'... and i got tore up' ~ and not in the way that those unfamiliar with the defintion of 'tore up' would think

i spent the day yesterday in NYC... that alone was just amazing ~ the tree in Rockefeller Center is all you would hope it to be and then some

but the high point of the day was getting to see The Bleu Edmondson Band in NEW YORK CITY! first of all... Bleu wrote my song ~ he may not know that he wrote it but he did as i have said here before the first time i ever heard

'and if you asked me I would smile
we could sit and talk awhile
but there's just too much to hide
and I got nothin' left inside
i'm just a little bit crazy... '

well like all the things that have been placed in my path in the last three and a half years just made me feel like even though up until that point i had not found my place in this world ~ there was still in fact hope... fast forward to today well yeah safe to say MORE THAN HOPE even...

so it was a small intimate venue... couches... ottomans... candles... unfortunately for this band that i just love the crowd seemed to leave after the second act... but they didn't seem to notice 'cause this band took the stage and OH MY HECK... well let's just say they rocked it HARD... some of the members have changed since i first saw them but i'm thinking these four guys have found a synchronicity that just works for them and i was literally the happiest girl in NYC last evening...

i talked with three of the four members and they were truly appreciative to have someone in the club that knew their music... and even understood where they come from and what they are about... i liked being that person for them last evening and since the plans are in motion to where i'll be seeing them more regularly on their home turf... i'm really glad to have had the opportunity to be able see them bringing what we love to the world and hoping to draw more like me in