I'm just not confrontational...

and there is in fact a reason ~ i suck at it... i'd much rather be frustrated and angry but keep it to myself than feel like i'm hurting someone no matter who they are... i've now confronted two people in the last year because it was important to someone i love... you would think i'd get better at it but no... not so much ~ that nasty ill feeling still shows up

i have lost something special now because of the recent confrontation ~ a home i once had now feels uncomfortable and i know that i'm just not welcome anymore... as with all things in my life i never stay anywhere too long ~ i come away with a lot of positives i believe and i'll visit occasionally i'm sure there are many things that are still extremely important to me... but i will not be the fixture that i once was

i watched House of D today ~ GREAT FLICK... the idea that if you love something set it free... especially if you know the loved one is going somewhere you can't follow and you don't want to hold them back ~ that hit close to my heart...

Sweet Melissa ~ written by the Allman Brothers performed fabulously by Stoney Larue

'Crossroads, seem to come and go, yeah.
the gypsy flies from coast to coast
knowing many, loving none,
Bearing sorrow havin’ fun...'

I thought this was interesting...

You are - Lestat!
Your fun-loving and adventurous ways have gotten
you into more than a few mishaps. You can be
perceived as a pedantic person but these are
just your ways. You're extremly generous to
those you love, and are always ready to give
people second chances.


Which Anne Rice Vampire are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Random Good News ~

i will have my truck here in about three weeks!!! Those of you that know me well know that not having my own car has been making me positively crazy ~ and proof i do in fact have a song for everything....

Rusty Old American Dream ~ Pat Green 'still runnin...' lol

'this car needs a young man to own him
one who will polish the chrome
i'll give you the rest of my lifetime
just don't let me die here alone
just jump me some juice to my battery
give that old starter a spin
here rust sputter, back fire to the carborator
and run me to life here once again...'

i don't much like the 'young man' reference, i take extremely good care of my truck... lol

Ever notice the peace...

that shines on the face of someone of faith... they can be Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, Muslim, Celtic... whatever but if they truly have faith their inner peace just shines through ~ they walk their path and their steps are lighter, their smiles are truer, its because they have figured it out

'Faith don't need no second opinion, you ain't gotta do nothing friends you just have to believe...' ~ Tom Skinner

i heard a song on the radio yesterday ~ a) i can count the times i actually have the radio on in the last year on one hand and b) normally it's a song i roll my eyes at 'cause it got OVER PLAYED... however when i flicked the scan button ~

'don't let some hell bent heart
leave you bitter
when you come close to selling out
reconsider
give the heavens above
more than just a passing glance'

i needed to hear exactly THAT and i think i did actually hear it for the first time ~ so the current plan for the one that doesn't plan... turning everything over and putting faith in the fact that i am on the right path and even thought 'i can't see past my headlights... that'll still get me where i'm going'

So now I'm supposed to leave...

right ~ not sure my feet will remember how to move... or that my chest is ready to be hollow again 'cause my heart stays behind everytime

this has got to change

If It Weren't For You ~ Walt Wilkins

'...i've been known to shout about things I know nothing about
i let stuff slip off my tongue that should never get out
spent a thousand nights feeling born to lose
and I still might believe it if it weren't for you'

Are you having fun...

every time i talk to someone they ask me that... before i start ~ YES absolutely i am... but you might not be able to tell if i gave you the run down of my day.

FIRST ~ Joc and Clay's wedding... Fabulous ~ i don't much believe in forever or happy endings but it's starting to change i think ~ this is the second marriage this year that i do believe in so there you go

anyway back to my first point ~ i'm not here this time for music ~ although there will be some... i'm not here for sightseeing or eating too much or running around taking it all in until i'm overfull... i was overfull when i got here ~ and my bestfriend said 'Let us take care of you for awhile.'

i've read two full books and am on my third... we are trying to figure out Lost... i've had a mango martini... i've watched a rather disappointing football game, but it helped break the ice with someone that i needed to feel comfortable with... i have slept ~ long and hard in a home where i feel safe and comfortable... i've been alone with my thoughts to truly take in all that has gone on in the last three weeks and to start sorting it out ~ we've giggled and argued... there have been baby pictures and silly stories of times gone by

i came here needing to breathe and unwind ~ i left my babies in the best possible hands outside of my own and put myself in the hands of one of the ones that i trust the most and i know understands without a lot of words being passed ~ the earth isn't spinning as fast as it was six days ago and for that i am extremely grateful

For my Brother ~ Blue October (or in my case... my best friend)

'...believe you can shine when you're silver
and i promise you gold.
and whenever you're dark inside,
don't let go, no don't let go
remember there's rain
and there's candy
and Christmasy winter snow.
and remember, i love you the same
and i'll strangle your pain

and he tells me to sing
so i sing, and i sing
for my brother who keeps me sane,
and tells me "everything will be o.k." '

City of Joy...

is another must see movie in my opinion...

'... the Gods don't make it easy to be a human being...' ~ Hasari to Max

'No but I think that's why it feels so damn good when you beat the odds.' Max's response

BRILLIANT!

this rollercoaster i'm on... needs to end for awhile ~ i am in serious need for a ride on a merry go round maybe for a change...


One ~ U2

'did I ask too much? more than a lot
you gave me nothing, now it's all I got
we're one, but we're not the same
well we hurt each other
then we do it again
you say love is a temple
love a higher law
you ask me to enter
but then you make me crawl
and I can't be holding on
to what you got
when all you got is hurt...'

and after dealing with all that the last week... there is a calm in a friendly place that gives me hope

i say it all the time ~ i am blessed with true love by amazing friends ~ UNCONDITIONAL REAL LOVE... thank you for that

I am in fact ready...

for some football... however not sure who this is that is trying to do what Rob Thomas does perfectly with Santana... but he needs to go ~ NOW

Smooth ~ Santana featuring Rob Thomas

'Give me your heart... make it real... or just forget about it...'

'You are so beautiful...

and such a great attitude. How could anyone ever be mean to you?' ~ and he was genuine when he asked it was not a pick up line at all... it got me to thinking ~ not that i believe i'm beautiful and my attitude can suk occasionally ~ but he has a point and that is exactly why it feels impossible to ever truly believe in a forever kind of love for me again...

see if i care about you and believe in you... it's real and it's true ~ sometimes to a fault because it will take a lot for me to see what others sometimes see so plainly... i can excuse away just about anything if i love someone and i will in fact let you hurt me time and time again before feeling the pain because i don't believe that someone that i care about would ever hurt me as i never would hurt them...

now i go forward with so much caution that even the ones closest to me that have remained true... i doubt too often ~ when once i would take everything on blind faith... i almost look for deception... now that i'm conscience of this i'm going to try and not be so cynical about everything... there was a time when i wasn't and i miss that

this is not a song that i typically would like but i have ever since the first time i heard it and today i think i understand why...

Beautiful ~ Christina Aquilera

'every day is so wonderful
then suddenly it's hard to breathe
now and then i get insecure
from all the pain i'm so ashamed

i am beautiful no matter what they say
words can't bring me down
i am beautiful in every single way
yes words can't bring me down
so don't you bring me down today...'

the ache in my heart…

and stomach are back again ~ the tears too... AND they showed up early this year even… the pictures from New Orleans reminding me too much of the devastation on that horrific day in 2001 ~ i feel it hard again this year i’m sure because of all that has gone on with me and in our world the last few months that my emotions are running high

in the past i’ve baked and cooked and brought things to our local fire department to say… Thank You... i haven’t forgotten and you are appreciated ~ i’ve tried to give blood… i am not physically able to… this year i feel at a bit of a loss… most of what i have has been given to Good Will or the Salvation Army so I take comfort in the timing on that… money i guess however it just doesnt feel like I’m doing enough to write a check or donate my change or however… i don’t know that there is an enough for me anyway

i keep waiting for it to fade... i didn't lose anyone... i wasn't there... directly my life was not affected ~ but yet my entire outlook was changed and truly i have not forgotten

i understand why they stayed...

when i lived in Virginia there were numerous times that we were told ~ you better leave but it's like that fairy tale ~ the little boy who cried wolf ~ how many times were they told in the past to leave... it's gonna be terrible then nothing or if something certainly not the devastation that we have seen ~ so why are so many judging and condemning...

i have to wonder if it's because those that are judging have never been in the postion to feel that no matter how bad the storm... there really are no alternatives that feel viable so riding it out just makes sense ~ i know that feeling

my heart... my head... my prayers... what money i can give is with all of those people that are lost and have nothing left ~ i understand maybe not quite on the scale... but i truly do

You'll Never Walk Alone ~ Rogers & Hammerstein

when you walk through a storm
hold your head up high
and don't be afraid of the dark.
at the end of a storm is a golden sky

and the sweet silver song of a lark.
walk on through the wind,
walk on through the rain,
though your dreams be tossed and blown.

walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
and you'll never walk alone,
you'll never, ever walk alone.
walk on, walk on with hope in your heart


and you'll never walk alone,
you'll never, ever walk alone.

i love this stuff....

this is me... what's your card?

I am The Empress The Empress can refer to any aspect of Motherhood. She can be an individual mother, but as a major arcana card, she also goes beyond the specifics of mothering to its essence - the creation of life and its sustenance through loving care and attention. The Empress can also represent lavish abundance of all kinds. She offers a cornucopia of delights, especially those of the senses - food, pleasure and beauty. She can suggest material reward, but only with the understanding that riches go with a generous and open spirit. The Empress asks you to embrace the principle of life and enjoy its bountiful goodness. For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com

What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate. Month: Day: Year:

One down...

and one to go ~ put my baby girl on the bus... her choice ~ she could sleep an extra hour and let me take her but she wants to ride the bus... little socialite... wonder who she gets that from...lol

my baby boy ~ my BABY... is bathed, dressed and eating Cheerios waiting ~ not so patiently ~ to go to school for his very first day...

not sure where that leaves me for the rest of the afternoon ~ waiting ~ not so patiently for them to come home and tell me every detail i guess... i miss them when they aren't with me

how far we've come my son and i since the first time he said... well sang actually the first thing i recognized and knew for sure was what he was trying to communicate to me... today it seems appropriate...

My Sacrifice by Creed

'when you are with me
i’m free…i’m careless…i believe
above all the others we’ll fly
this brings tears to my eyes
my sacrifice....'

"She laughed and said..."

"it's better sometimes if we don't get to touch our dreams..." ~ Sequel by Harry Chapin ~ and today it rings true for me as i have touched my dreams and today they feel unattainable, i know of course that they aren't and that patience is key ~ i'm not good at that... so again another lesson that i am trying very hard to learn in my quest for independence and happiness ~ but damn does it have to be so hard i mean seriously i supported him while he chased his dreams for so many years... shouldn't there at least be a consolation prize at the end of it all for me ~ oh well how easily they forget how they got to where they are... i promise i won't do that i will remember forever every kind word, every shoulder, every hand up ~ i will remember it all forever and make sure that those that are carrying me now know that i am forever in their debt...

Perspective...

i got some yesterday ~ 'You make the best chocolate milk shakes i've ever had'

a little girl told me that last night ~ she was with her parents and they were my first customers in the restaurant... i had a day with too much time in my own head and was happy to go to work to get out of it for a bit and this precious child with bangs she had recently trimmed herself looked at me with her baby browns and the biggest smile and said that...

SLAM ~ world is set right again... for me it's really that simple and all i need ~ i don't need sofas, brass beds, pots and pans, etc... give em all to GoodWill

slowly but surely piece by piece i am building my new life and she reminded me of that just when i needed it...

In Your Time ~ Bob Segar

'feel the wind and set yourself the bolder course
keep your heart as open as a shrine
you’ll sail the perfect line

and after all
the dead ends and the lessons learned
after all the stars have turned to stone
there’ll be peace across the great unbroken void
all benign in your time
you’ll be fine...in your time'

What a difference a week makes...

so here i am ~ and here i'm staying for awhile... i'm still spinning and feeling a little ill about everything but when i find the occasional breath ~ it's fresh ~ so i do know that when the dust settles it will all be ok

Independantly Happy ~ Blue October

'i wipe the slate clean,
i kick that daydream
and remain independently happy...'

dear diary...

'cause that is what this is really...

so i realized something today ~ that funny thing i've been feeling for the last year and a half or so... my heart ~ the shock is a bit overwhelming... i thought for sure he descrated it and that i would never feel it again ~ nope it's there for sure

am i scared ~ umm yeah... no wait ~~~~ YES ~~~~

but that is what i believe God for today... the strength to feel my heart again

and a few other random realizations

there is a smile that makes my world alright ~ i do pray for someone more than i pray for myself ~ and my spirit is completely filled again

uh-oh ~ this could be terrible i realize but for this moment right now... i'm ok... i sort of said all of that outloud and did not in fact spontaneously combust ~ my meg you must be proud! calling on you and joc to be there to pick up the pieces of me when i fall apart from all of this ;)

ok ~ that's enough ~ and in case you missed any of what i'm talking about here...

Diary of a Mad Black Woman ~ FABULOUS movie

and in the words of Jason Boland when introducing this song... 'one of the finest songs i've heard...'

Finelines ~ Stoney Larue

'waking up means feeling good
and i thank you...'

Vegas or Omaha ~

either works if you are with the right people... you can have just as much fun in one or the other ~ in fact Vegas isn't even a challenge... who can't have fun in Vegas seriously...

it really doesn't matter, i'm thrilled once again that a smile has been found in a little thing... just a thought even ~ it's the little things i PROMISE ~ i'm truly the luckiest girl in the world and i keep forgetting that

Big Blue Sea ~ Bob Schneider...

'and its days like this that burn me
turn me inside out and learn me
not to tell you anything i think i know
well i think i'll tell you all that i know
i don't want to be alone i want to be a stone
i wanna sink to the bottom of the ocean
and lie there laugh there with you laugh
there with you til I'm gone...'

one in seven...

days are low ~ maybe that is too many but i think it's ok ~ i mean i am happy, i am truly loved, i certainly don't have much figured out but i think i am on that road ~ but some days ~ i wake up and the emptiness is heavy... tomorrow i'll be golden again and today will be barely a blip on the memory screen

nothing happened and i don't want to talk about it 'cause it's not stuff i'm ready to face because for now this side feels easier than dealing with it... getting through or over it... and then moving past it terrifies me ~ so thank you to the one who talked me around it for a bit too damn early this morning

i love this song for this line right here ~ i know it's supposedly depressing and just terrible, but i have a different view on most everything and can argue my points on most days pretty well...

Black Orchid ~ Blue October

'it is not that I am scared to learn
why I'm empty inside...'

i'm not scared to learn why ~ i know why... i'm scared of dealing with the why so for now i'll just let it go 'cause for six out of seven life is in fact beautiful

'There are risks you just can't take...'

'when you have children...'~ Flor from Spanglish

ok i just adore so many things about that movie ~ another quote that i have found that i relate a lot to is 'You live your life for your daughter, I live my life for myself... neither works.' ~ Evelyn

See my life seems to be a constant struggle between what is right for me and what is right for my kids ~ it's such a hard line to walk and one tiny slip and so much damage could occur ~ so i pray for vision... well clarity of vision everyday ~ to see as much of the path in advance as i can...

i think i figured it out...

why exactly it is that i adore this job as much as i do... ok see if you can follow this ~ i explained it to a friend the other night and it made sense then

my favorite thing to do... make people happy ~ which makes it extremely frustrating to be me 'cause it is so hard to make everyone that i love happy

but see when you bring people their food... they are happy ~ even on a busy night when maybe you aren't getting to them as quickly as they might like or things are a little bit harried ~ when you set their salad down... or the garlic rolls and their main course ~ they smile and with very few exceptions are just happy

and for me i get to step back a bit and watch them... so i spend each shift i work truly making just about everyone that walks in our dining room so very happy ~ if i'm really lucky they will order desert and well there you go... major bonus

we get some grumbly people no doubt... but even then there are little things you can do that will turn it around and that's brilliant

my song last night... Sick and Tired ~ Cross Canadian Ragweed 'cause this fits how i feel right now...

'you're no longer sick and tired
everything around you feels brand new
the days fly by, the nights could be longer
everyday you're just a little bit stronger...'

i fell hard today...

for a new man ~ he is GORGEOUS and completely perfect in everyway!!!!

KC Gregory Gordon Achilles ~ born 8/7/2005 at 7:14am weighing 7lbs 15ozs 21 inches long...

my baby sister had a baby today ~ of the two of us... the fact that i've been a mother for nine years already and she hasn't is just well hilarious really ~ she is supposed to be a mother... so many of us that have children ~ when we were first breaking in these new shoes... well we would go to her for advice as crazy as it may sound if there is a gene or whatever she GOT IT!

my babies are thrilled to have their new cousin... it's a situation like this that you really get a glimpse inside their little heads... my 9 year old daughter overheard me say that KC was a little early and she asked me in a panic ~ 'Like Jessica mom?' ~ one of my bestfriends had a baby last year four months premature that was called home shortly after her birth... 'No Jordan just a few days early he is going to be just fine.'

my four year old son was so excited and confused about his new cousin he was strutting around 'I have a new cousin... i'm a big cousin... i'm a little brother... i have a little cousin... i'm a big brother... wait Mom ~ what am i?' and then at the hospital he looked at his sister 'Where is your new cousin? This one is mine!'

what a truly blessed day!

oh and the iPod music God decided i needed to hear this on the way to meet him...

Feels Like Home ~ performed by Chantal Kreviazuk

'if you knew how lonely my life has been
and how long I've felt so alone
if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
and change my life the way you've done...'

for my sister because today her life has been forever changed!

it's decided...

i'd rather be by myself ~ i'm rarely alone... i'm never lonely... but seriously lately i've found that feelings of loneliness materialize more when i'm with people who don't really care

i try really hard to be accomodating and not imposing ~ i know i'm a freak and that i'm picky... i don't ever ask anything of anyone else... yet i seem to 'hear' about my quirkiness more than i like ~ it's the ones who taunt me because they find certain parts of me unexplicable that bother me ~ i'm not asking for anything more than acceptance of me for me ~ don't try and change me... i'll fight you harder and stand firmer ground to be just who i need to be to breathe...

and i'm still not sick of this song and i heard it today and this line hit a nerve...

Collide ~ Howie Day

'out of the doubt that fills my mind
we somehow find
you and i collide...'

just saw something frightening ~

'Find the next Rob Thomas...' ~ i didn't even click on the link ~ NO POINT

there isn't one... sorry ladies and gentlemen try as you might ~ there is no substitute that is suitable at all anywhere...

this world we live in where all of a sudden we can dial 1-800... stay or go ~ quite frankly i'm over it... surely there is more value to not just the legacy of one but also to the ablity of those to follow ~ why would you want to try and step into someone else's shoes... wear your own they will fit much better

Back to Good ~ matchbox 20

'everyone here is wondering what it's like to be with somebody else
everyone here's to blame
everyone here gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain
everyone hides shades of shame
but looking inside we're the same
we're the same
and we're all grown now
but we don't know how
to get it back to good...'

if you can write like that... you DESERVE to be your own star

so much to say...

and if i actually put it down... edit it and read it ~ it becomes real and today for me that's too much reality...

'this room is old and wise
i fall onto the bed and wonder ~
how did i get here...' ~ Weight of the World ~ Blue October

i don't play games...

i play music ~ i have a t-shirt that says that and SERIOUSLY that is me ~ i don't have time in my life for anything but real... sorry because along with that comes the fact that i don't censor myself very well ever and if i am feeling something... it's known by those that are in my life and around me ~ what is the saying 'i wear my emotions on my sleeve' or something to that affect... well even though this is full of cliches the point is this... with me what you see is truly in fact what you get...

ok that's all...

Jason Boland and the Stragglers ~ Live at Billy Bob's is what is getting me through this summer... specifically Fallin' With Style~

'you’ve got rope burns on your hands
from holding on way to tight
but if you let go today
they're gonna heal up alright
and your eyes are half closed from staring down the sun,
you got no time for singing
you’re always on the run

it’s gonna be alright in a matter of time
cause the dirt is gonna yield and the poem is gonna rhyme
it’s gonna be alright, it might take a little while
cause flying ain’t nothing, just falling with style...'

Let Time Go Lightly ~ Harry Chapin

i let time go lightly when i'm here with you
i let time go lightly when the day is through
i keep a watch on time when I've got work to do
i let time go lightly with you

morning, a time for breaking ground and sowing seed
and yet we give up our sunshine so we can buy what we need
and that leaves the evening to share a fire with a friend or two
to lose sight of the hours... to go lightly with you

i let time go lightly when i'm here with you
i let time go lightly when the day is through
i keep a watch on time when I've got work to do
i let time go lightly with you

old friends, they mean much more to me than a new friend
'cause they can see where you are and they know where you've been

music has been my closest friend, my fiercest foe
'cause it can take you so high... it can make me so low

when I was a child my mother would help me along
she'd rock me to sleep and sing me a song
so i learned to love the music of all the tunes in my head
the changing of chords, the rhythm of time...

i let time go lightly when i'm here with you
i let time go lightly when the day is through
i keep a watch on time when I've got work to do
i let time go lightly with you

yes I let time go lightly with you
and a fire and a friend or two
with you and a fire and a friend or two
a friend or two, and you

i just adore my babies...

i don't look forward at all to the day that they are too cool to go for pizza and ice cream with me ~ to the day when i look in the rear view mirror and instead of singing with me they each have their own set of head phones on and have that vacant stare out the window plotting their next teen angst filled adventure ~ and 'double gulp' to the day when i am forced to walk out of their college dorm and get into an empty car and go to an empty... quiet... clean house ~ nope not having any of it...

hmmm maybe then i'll be inspired myself to finally go to college ~ lol

the song of choice to sing over and over tonight...

I'd Rather Be ~ Brandon Jones

'and I'd rather be in Tennessee
a star on music row
cause maybe then
you'd like my songs
if they were played on the radio...'

currently Jordan's favorite song in the world i was informed this evening...;)

see Coach Carter...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same….” by Marianne Williamson ~ recited by Timo Cruz to Coach Carter... awesome... that's all... carry on...

i want to move...

to the parallel universe in which Dub Miller is actually the biggest headliner of the summer and Toby Keith is actually getting his law degree 'cause he's decided music isn't working out the way he had hoped...Brandon Jones just released his sophomore album to huge accolades not Dierks Bentley (sorry to the Dierks fans who read this... i don't happen to be one) and i actually have more face time with the ones i love most

A Better Place to Be ~ Harry Chapin

'cause i know i'm going nowhere
and anywhere is a better place to be...'

whether a pearl or a pea...

it's the same thing... an irritation ~ you know the deal... a grain of sand one day a pearl the next... a tiny pea under a thousand mattresses and she can't sleep 'cause she can feel the irritation ~ well to me they are very similar in their significance i guess ~ and i have this 'irritation' that i force deep down inside... it has potential (pearl) but mostly i ignore it... tossing and turning... but while i'm awake and while i'm sleeping ~ it makes me restless and wanna keep moving trying to get away from it and mostly i'm fine until someone mentions it... that it is there ~ so again the pearl part because others can see it ~ i prefer it to be a pea... 'cause i just want it to stay buried ~ i can't do anything with it... AND i don't want it to go away 'cause it's valuable to me so it's like i get used to it... anyway it irritated me all day today... that's all

i hope they do this song tomorrow... Where Are You Going ~ Dave Matthews Band

'where are you going,
where do you go
are you looking for answers
to questions under the stars
well if along the way
you are grown weary
you can rest with me
until a brighter day
when your ok...'

i was going to write about addiction...

mostly 'cause i'm addicted to live music... and the adrenline rush lasts for days... it's the best thing ~ a friend is coming off of a 'heroin' addiction of sorts... i've promised to hold his hand this week and i will that's easy... i'll listen... that's easy too... i'll give my opinion and advice if he wants it even and if not... i'll just sit quietly 'cause sometimes silence says everything

so instead let me explain 'cause it occured to me that not everyone might get what i saw so clearly... my new favorite saying

'Use both hands... look both ways... love each other. ~ Pat Green'

he said that at the end of our show in Palms Springs ~ I have it in my sig line on a message board that a lot who read my blog post on and someone that doesn't post there saw it and was all ~ i don't get it... so here is how i take it...

those are the basic life lessons in my opinion ~ if you always choose to DO those three things... you will make fewer mistakes... you will find peace inside your self more often... you will smile more and get smiles in return... your choices will be better... your vision clearer... your love will be truer ~ everything in your life will be more real because you went back to using your the tools in your toolbox that were first given to you because they are 'fool proof' so to speak

that's what it means to me anyway...

just not ready to move on from Pat yet... so he wrote this with the one who keeps me sane... Rob Thomas... Baby Doll...

'and when you close your eyes, you hear the music playing
you can see her dancin' underneath the spotlight
and when she sleeps, she dreams she’s back in Hollywood
when she was a younger girl, a pretty heart in a tainted world,
not sure who you wanna be your Daddy’s little drama queen:
i hope that when you find yourself, you’re more than just a baby doll...'

some people...

talk too much... cry too much... eat too much... whine too much... stress too much... yell too much... drink too much... smoke too much

apparently we giggle too much

that ROX... there are so many things that are negative that we could do too much

just had too much fun... giggled too much...laughed too much... sang too loud

we watched people 'get' what we love most... how BRILLIANT!!!

ok and Crazy by Pat Green ~ Acoustic ~ that is almost too much...

'if i am truly crazy... don't you know i like my life this way...'

i'm quiet when i'm afraid...

i learned that about myself the last few days i think...

and i heard something today just exactly when i needed to hear it ~ 'We are not made of our mistakes but rather of our possibilities' ~ i'll credit Oprah with that not sure if she said it originally but she is who said it today when i most needed to hear it

i am in fact human and have made mistakes ~ MANY mistakes even and lately i have been concerned that they define me more than i might want them to...

i do believe i have learned some very valuable lessons... and i also believe that some of what others view as mistakes i view as choices

ok just random i know ~ but golden tidbits for me and a lot of what i put here is to keep myself on track so to speak

and again just can not stop this song from running around in my head

Soul Shine ~ written by The Allman Brothers
performed brilliantly by Bleu Edmondson

'...sometimes a man can feel this emptiness,
like a woman has robbed him of his very soul.
a woman too, God knows, she can feel like this.
and when your world seems cold
you got to let your spirit take control.

let your soul shine,
it’s better than sunshine,
it’s better than moonshine,
damn sure better than rain.
Lord now people don’t mind,
we all get this way sometimes,
gotta let your soul shine,
shine till the break of day....'

old made new again...

both for real and through the eyes of my babies ~ a Drive In to see the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... the kids loved the drive in... whoever thought it was a better idea to move films inside... has forgotten what it was like to be 9 in your pj's with a corn dog ~ and Tim Burton and Johnny Depp did what i thought not possible and went into very skeptical... they changed enough to give it a life of its own and kept enough of the original to be true to the story

it was a great night to be a kid and a mom ~ AT THE SAME TIME even in my world tonight ;)

The Candyman... ok so this was missed a bit

'who can take a sunrise
sprinkle it in dew
cover it in chocolate
and a miracle or two?

the candyman
the candyman can
the candyman can cause he mixes it with love
and makes the world taste good...'

Never have I thought...

that it is 'my world' and everyone else is lucky to live in it. i have had such sadness in my heart for this woman that i waited on last night because she does in fact believe that. i saw her tonight in the grocery store... she recognized me and looked away ~ i smiled... just in case she changed her mind... and i hope she understood that my smile was meant as a door for her to walk through where she could just give a little to those around her... a little patience... a little respect.. a little tolerance... a little concern... a little kindness... ~ the rewards she would reap ~ FANTABULOUS

so for her... from me... Teach Your Children ~ Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young


'and you, of tender years,
can't know the fears that your elders grew by,
and so please help them with your youth,
they seek the truth before they can die...'

I'm going to take...

an acting class. 'Cause i suck at pretending to be any one other than me... and apparently i am not quite right and frustrate a few people so if i could just figure out how to act like they want me too... for the time that it's required... maybe things will be better for everyone ~ see i can be brilliant

He Went To Paris by Jimmy Buffet

'...some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life anyway'

i've decided i want that on my headstone ~ so someone take a note on that for me...

apparently people wanna know...

so here we go ~ ;)

What were you doing 10 years ago?

I was getting ready to leave for a Vacation in Maine that resulted in the conception of my beautiful baby girl actually... ok that was a good memory already right out of the box.

5 years ago?

I was 6 months pregnant and grumpy.

1 year ago?

I was alone for the summer...babies were with their dad for eight weeks and between trips to Texas

Yesterday?

Went for lunch with a good friend and her two boys ~ it was good for all involved yet sad...

5 Snacks you enjoy?

1. Oranges
2. Strawberries
3. Grapes
4. Chips and Salsa
5. Pretzels

5 Songs You Know All the Word To

(i think 5 i don't know all the words to would be easier to come up with)
1. Little Bit Crazy ~ Bleu Edmondson
2. Calling You - Blue October
3. Carry On ~ Pat Green
4. Downtown ~ Stoney Larue
5. A Better Place to Be ~ Harry Chapin

5 Things You Would Do With 100 Million $

1. Move to Texas
2. Set up three college funds
3. Pay off my truck
4. Send anonymous money orders to ones i adore that I know wouldn't take a dime
5. Buy a GOOD tanning bed

5 Locations You Would Run Away To

1. Austin
2. Sherman
3. Boston
4. Houston
5. Switzerland

5 Things I Like Doing

1. Seeing Live Music
2. Driving in my truck
3. Walking on the beach
4. Playing with my friends
5. Making people smile

5 Things I Will Never Wear

1. a belly shirt
2. any kind of girlie hat
3. anything lacy
4. anything pink
5. a hospital gown

5 Biggest Joys at the Moment

1. My Babies
2. My Friends
3. SUMMER
4. My Music
5. My Job

5 Favorite Toys

1. iPod
sadly regardless of the comments to the contrary that will follow... it's the only toy i have


5 People You Tag

Gage
Meg
Joc
Christy
Brandon

'i gotta run...'

...i gotta be free
don't hold me down, no baby....


too much pain, too much hate
not enough fire
now it's way too late' ~ Pat Green

over and over in my head... the last two days, those parts of that song

'mama i want to do...'

'... the wind in my hair with the leaf blower... ' Jake

sorry... had to 'cause that is just freakin' HILARIOUS

they should make...

a reality show about the restaurant that i work in... but the hidden camera kind 'cause everyone would clean up their act if they knew a camera was on them i'm convinced... this is also WHY reality tv doesn't work ~ everyone KNOWS they are on camera... so none of it's real ~ DUH ~ anyway last night's episode would have gotten the Dr. Phil Dysfunctional Entertainment Award of the Decade i promise...

i've known this now for awhile but i just get amazed each and everyday ~ i am truly blessed with the most amazing circle of friends ~ granted it's a LARGE circle... not in number of people but in diameter of miles... which makes most days heartbreaking 'cause i want those friends in my everyday life, but for this summer i am fortunate to be closer to one and just blessed by her love and thoughtfulness... and another who i hope won't mind me saying this here ~ was in just not a great place when i first met her last year ~ is now happier than i think she even thought she would ever be... has truly found her soul mate and love of her life and about to start that forever life which i even believe for them (which doesn't happen often for me)

i believe in soulmates ~ i have found mine even no question ~ i believe in love ~ i have real, true, unconditional love in my life everyday ~ but do i believe that for me there is a forever love with one person ~ nope... i really don't think i'm built that way and i'm ok with that ~ it's not that i'm wanting to whore around for the next 60 years or however many more i'm blessed with that's not it at all... today's lyrics... this is where i am at... this is what best describes me...

'you don’t want me
try the real dancers
i’m busy right now
searching for answers'

Postcard from Paris ~ Dub Miller

crazy freakin' dreams...

i DON'T enjoy them ~ i rarely remember my dreams which is a good thing cause in my head i have to figure them out so... ugh last night's was insane ~ or this morning's actually 'cause i do in fact know the time period of sleep that it happened in and while someone is not thrilled they fell on their face... i am thrilled to have been awakened out of that madness... what do you think ~ are dreams random or are they fears realized? ~ probably a combination of both i don't know...

my favorite 'dream song' ~ and I remember when this was released i could NOT hear it enough...

'hush now don’t cry
wipe away the teardrop from your eye
you’re lying safe in bed
it was all a bad dream
spinning in your head
your mind tricked you to feel the pain
of someone close to you leaving the game of life
so here it is, another chance
wide awake you face the day
your dream is over...or has it just begun? '

Silent Lucidity ~ Queensryche

again...

the little things ~ mean THE most! PERIOD...

THANK YOU for watching... Thank You for liking it... I know it was tough... 'cause I've been a brat about it ~ but truly made my year ~ 'Everything's gonna be okay... chugga chugga'

YOU HAVE NO IDEA what that quote did for me ~ especially 'cause I could just tell from the tone that you liked it too...

so after a day of disappointment after disappointment... once again you brought me back to right

and after hearing a song that I can NOT stand too many times over the past two days...

Randy Roger's cover of 'Come Pick Me Up' ~ was just what I needed and the Music God's saw fit to let me hear it in the randomness of my iPod

'when you’re walking downtown
do you wish I was there?
do you wish it was me?
with the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
do they all look like mine?

you know you could
I wish you would... come pick me up...'

i'd go to wrigley field...

if you asked ~ 'cause i get it's what you love and because i do in fact love you both very much and want to be apart of what you love... do i want to go to wrigley field ~ NO not at all, however that is not the point

i guess i just want to be understood by you ~ its the basic relationship that all the rest are built on and it's why i walk this world feeling as i like to put it much like 'a Palestinian without a home' ~ so when i am excited... and say 'I would love for you two to go to The Stone Pony to see Pat with me.' it's not because i so much think it's something you would choose to do except to take the time as adult parents and child together... so that you can see me and my passion during what i consider to be a pinnacle moment

AND does anything cut me deeper or hurt more than you saying... 'I don't want to do that... I don't care anything about ponies or chickens or rock pigs for that matter.' WELL i don't care about fields or diamonds or chewing gum either... but i know how much YOU do and that is why I'd go for you...

i hide a lot...

in my life ~ both physically and just by keeping my mouth shut a lot and not saying what i really feel.... mostly just 'cause the people that should be listening wouldn't hear it anyway so i choose to keep that energy for a fight that is more worthy

however for some reason... i recently decided to not hide and to make known how i felt about a situation ~ in all honesty i was in fact disappointed with the initial reaction... but see that is another thing about my life ~ no one that i truly care about lives within 1500 miles of me... so it's not always easy to know what is going on with everyone no matter how many phone calls or emails or im time... nothing is like true face time

well i talked to my friend for the first time in weeks yesterday and i'm not at all disappointed in a thing ~ turns out their life went crazy for a bit and while i get slightly saddened that i wasn't able to hold a hand through it... i could hear the genuine relief in happiness in our conversation ~ the weight of the world has lifted a bit probably for the first time since we've known each other even

so this just reinforces my 'no regrets' policy ~ sometimes it just takes a little longer to see the lesson and understand why some things work the way that they do... i'm in this life for the long haul as much as i enjoy and crave instant gratification i have learned that the best rewards do in fact come over time and are savored with patience...

Held On True ~ O.A.R..... someone has ALWAYS said it better than me

'i said but lately i've been feeling mighty old
i said the sun has got me cracked
this wind has got me cold
and i'm so damn tired of losing my friends
every single time i go and lose my ends
i say but that's ok, i'm on my way
i don't appear here but maybe i'll end up that way
and in awhile when i realize there's something new
but until then i gotta hold on true
hold on true ah, hold on true, hold on true
i'd love to hold on to you...'

so from my favorite boys from Maryland for my favorite Maryland friend today... this was all for you

'thank heaven...

for little boys' ~ umm ok then... the song goes something like that... well i'm just thankful my little boy ~ who thought following the dog into the forrest yesterday was a good idea ~ is climbing all over me and happy and singing and smiling ~ because without question it was the scariest half an hour in my 33 years wondering if i would ever find him in this crazy forest

two girls were raised in this house... they never thought about it ~ his sister never thought about it... what is it about boys that makes it so appealing to go off into the 'forest' as he keeps referring to it ~ oh this is the same boy that is terrified of all the crazy bugs that fly around all over these parts ~ he runs yelling from them as if he is being chased by an axe murderer yet the woods doesn't seem as threatening... WHATEVER DUDE... just don't do it again! insert every yelling nasty ranting smiley ever made on a computer site here!!!!!

Beautiful Boy ~ John Lennon

'...out on the ocean sailing away
i can hardly wait to see you come of age
but I guess we’ll both just have to be patient
’cause it’s a long way to go
a hard row to hoe
yes it’s a long way to go

but in the meantime
before you cross the street
take my hand
life is what happens to you
while you’re busy making other plans
beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
beautiful boy
beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
beautiful boy...'

please not again...

i know i have no control over crazy people and comparatively 7/7 is not 9/11 but seriously... any bombings are just NOT ok with me ~ and warnings about being careful if you are taking mass transit today ~ i'm sure i'm overreacting... but i was emotionally crippled after the devastation of 9/11 for those that didn't know me during that time... it was a year before i stopped crying ~ literally everyday for a year and i cried for everyone... one day for the ones that were lost... the next for the fireman and rescue workers... the next for the survivors... a few even for those that caused it as i wish i could go to them on the day when they decided this was their life's calling and show them a better way.... now i just want everyone to be able to move forward and live together on this big earth that has been entrusted to us now to care for... and leave for others i'm terrified everyday that we are gonna screw that up

k... no more preachy... well except for ~

'...the most i can do while i'm here is not a thing leave it as i found...


so we're leaving friends of mine, brothers and sisters
hoping that in times of trouble
and that we can learn a bit more
but lately, I swear, nightmare dreams
are welling in me
and this ship is troubled
all because this ship we're on is sinking' ~ two different live intros from Dave Matthews ~

a good tired...

that's how i feel today... when i quit my job last October i was a bad tired ~ so spent that i couldn't put two thoughts together that i trusted... i doubted every thing i was doing... every decision got overthought, i found myself tripping over the air in the room more often than not

but today i feel clear headed... i worked hard the last four days but at the end of it last night the owner said 'Ok... i'm leaving Saturday for the week and you are in charge.' She was kidding but i understood and appreciated the sentiment behind it... i had worked very hard for her, in a position that i had only been trained for three days in before being 'thrown to the wolves' and i came out ahead and still smiling

for many years i had worked like that and then somehow a sort of cancer invaded my work ethic and i began to doubt that i knew how to do anything at all... so while i will never go back to my job defining who i am ~ the good thing to come out of all of this is that i have spent a great amount of time on myself and finding out that i can dream for myself and set goals for myself and that it is important to not give all of 'me' away to everyone else ~ it does feel good to really work again and feel like i've accomplished something that is appreciated...

and i'm gonna leave it there ~ 'cause for once i think that is a better thought than a lyric for those that may stumble here and read my ramblings...

One of the things…

I pride myself in is that I don’t share other people’s stories ~ I will admit I’ve slipped up in that area once that I can think of in a way that was slightly hurtful but all involved ‘got out ok’ and apologies were made and accepted and the friendship endured…

I am trusted by a lot of my friends to keep confidences and I think that they trust me because I have proven that I don’t tell their stories, I let them do that and I will choose to share mine ~ this has worked really well for me and I know it’s appreciated ~ so a recent situation has been weighing too heavily on my mind and heart so I’m putting it here and hoping that I will be able to resolve it.

The whole point was to NOT betray anyone ~ information was made known to me… I shared it with someone that I was concerned would think I had betrayed them which would have translated to others that I would never EVER betray that maybe I couldn’t be trusted and that was not acceptable… I only gave enough information to fix a potential problem ~ the whole thing made me very uncomfortable and I have made that known to everyone…

Does that make sense as you are reading it… I know I have not explained it well in conversation ~ I would not… have not… will NOT ever betray you ~ it’s not who I am or what I do… especially not with you ok ~ good can we be done with it now?

ok... definetly forgot an important addition to my iPod...

Shower the People... James Taylor

'You can play the game and you can act out the part,
even though you know it wasn't written for you.
Tell me, how can you stand there with your broken heart ashamed of playing the fool?
One thing can lead to another; it doesn't take any sacrifice.
Oh, father and mother, sister and brother, if it feels nice, don't think twice,
just shower the people you love with love, show them the way that you feel.
Things are gonna work out fine if you only will do as I say, just
shower the people you love with love, show them the way you feel.
Things are gonna be much better if you only will.'

not one thing about me is cultured...

sorry can't even fake it ~ just have a beer and get over yourself... i have NO clue which vodka is potatoe based... huh? much too tired to go on with anything more ~ i enjoy most of the patrons... haven't tried a dang thing on the menu and not because anything in the prep stages has said 'ummm don't eat here' to me ~ just NOT hungry when it's time to eat... the bar situation IS in fact what will bring me down if something does ~ way too many vodkas and too many choices on what to do with it... the drink order takes the longest to enter into the dang computer ~ but for the most part i did well my first holiday weekend as a waitperson/bartender... look the owner still wants me back and the dining room manager decided to 'tip me out' for training which i have been told he never does ~ so i must not suck at this

ok... hope none of your fireworks were duds ~ Peace Love and Stoney...

Happy Independence Weekend ~ my fave patriotic verse...

This Land is Your Land ~ Woody Guthrie

'as I was walkin' - I saw a sign there
and that sign said - no tres passin'
but on the other side .... it didn't say nothin
now that side was made for you and me...

this land is your land
this land is my land
from California to the New York highlands
from the redwood forest to the gulfstream waters
this land was made for you and me...'

'cause you keep...

keep bringing it up ~ so now i'm flooded with memories and need to put them somewhere so here you go ~ and BLAH on your i told you so stuff later... u love it an u know it!

my reaction when they said...we had to wait for you ~ not a good one I'll admit it... i've told you before i was scared of you ~ well the way you were posting and all back then ~ i was looking for a happy, funfilled weekend and from what i had read that was just not at all in your life at that time well that changed in about five seconds ~ i don't think i even believed you were the same person ~ and i called you on it after we had that awkward moment of mexicans with no pants... i don't think you knew what to do standing there with me... although after the intial awkward moment we laughed so freakin' hard everyone else thought we were insane... i told you that night that if you ever tried to pull that sad crap ever again i was gonna do all i could to remind you how much fun life can be I have been successful in that area if NONE other ~ YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME THAT

without a doubt you have been the biggest surprise ever in my life and it was a year ago that you walked in that door ~ oh yeah and left 'we all KNOW why you are leaving'... i've never laughed at a meal as hard as we did at Hill's and sorry a year later watched the video AGAIN this morning even ~ it does in fact suk we will be 85 debating that fact i can see it now, actually you know when i saw it was at the Clubhouse show when you sat in your plate of food and i was wiping it up... totally had a flashforward moment... we were on an old farmhouse front porch a bunch of family and friends around us and we were still taking care of each other in the elderly state that we were in best of friends forever to the end that's what we have promised and i believe it ~ you held my hand my friend through the darkest hours before an even darker dawn, you helped me see the error of my actions and even stood up for me when I couldn't any more

and as far as the rest of that weekend... and the friends... the circles (and circular objects that were discussed at RRIH ;) ) and the queso and the dream come true 'tacos & beer' ~ chubbies... to tears through Wave on Wave and the best fireworks to Stevie Ray and Ray Charles... Jack signatures on bandana's... Bud guyin' knowing I was the GW girl from CA my face on that one was classic i'm sure... Austin Koozies... press spots on TV....

i couldn't have painted or scripted it better and i still reap the rewards of it all each and everyday... thank you all for taking this quirky yankee into your lives and your hearts

and for my love... 'cause you are


'By the way... by your side i'll stay... if that's ok... then by your side i'll stay FOREVER...'

Clumsy Card House... Blue October

i've been told...

that i remember dates too much ~ and this one coming up this weekend gives me the biggest lump in my throat and happy tear filled eyes ~ most of you know why so i'm not gonna go into it... someone asked me to do this in an email so i'll put it here instead...

1. First name? Lori
2. Were you named after anyone? my aunt
3. Do you wish on stars? of course... second star to the right...
4. When did you last cry? well just teared up right now... but actual cry tuesday night
5. Do you like your handwriting? yup
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Black Forest Ham
7. What is your birthday? don't have one anymore...
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? none they all are vital in the soundtrack of my life
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? yes ~ i think
10. Do you have a journal? this blog is it
11. What are your nicknames? i get 'dork' a lot ~ does that count
12. Would you bungee jump? i have and i would again
13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? yea
14. Do you think that you are strong? physically yes... mentally hell no
15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? New York Super Fudge Chunk although Blackberry Surpreme is a very close 2nd
16. Shoe Size? 8 1/2
17. Red or Pink? neither thank you
18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? i'm NEEDY
19. Who do you miss most? that's a difficult question that would take an entire entry ~ i'll do that but not today
20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? not sending it but sure if you want to play along go for it...
21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? plaid boxers...barefoot
22. What are you listening to right now? window fan... freakin' fans everywhere can't hear nothing but fans ~ it's a bit infuriating
23. Last thing you ate? ice cream ~ last night before bed.. i know terrible but's it HOT here
24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? green
25. What is the weather like right now? humid and grey thunderstorms on the way i believe
26. Last person you talked to on the phone? Gage
27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? smile ~ well if they are or not ~ i don't 'see' people like most do
28. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I do like the person who sent this... the newest person in my life to be called a friend
29. Favorite drink? Cranberry Lime Sparkling Water
30. Favorite Sport? Football
31. Hair Color? brown
32. Eye Color? hazel
33. Do you wear contacts? yup
34. Favorite Food? mexican
35. Last Movie You Watched? Spanglish (i fall asleep to it and it's on repeat all night everynight)
36. Favorite Day Of The Year? 4/19 and 11/08 TIE
37. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Scary Movies... i don't believe in Happy Endings...
38. Summer or winter? SUMMER
39. Hugs OR Kisses? Hugs when the hug back factor is genuine ~ cheek kisses rok too...
40. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? ice cream
41. Who Is Most Likely To Respond?
42. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? no responses necessary
43. Who lives in your house? i'm changing this question a bit... i live with my two babies and my dog... the location changes... A LOT lol
44. What books are you reading? finishing The Dark Tower today i think
45. What's On Your Mouse Pad? don't have one... wait my parents do palm trees at sunset apparently ~ that's just random for them... sorry i digress
46. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Bobby Flay on FoodTV he was in Austin at a BBQ festival
47. Favorite Smells? my babies necks after they have been asleep for about an hour... it's crazy and probably a mom thing ~ but you get an idea of what they did that day
48. Favorite Sounds? Jake's singing and Jordan's laugh
49. Rolling Stones or Beatles? it's a tie 'cause i don't love either of them which for me being into music is probably a bit off
50. What's the furthest you've been from home? do i have one... hmmm

thanks for this that won't get out of my damn head too BY THE WAY... but preferred to either The Stones or The Beatles... and Jim Morrison... i'm not one to be all... oh he's hot... ummm yeah love Love LOVE him

Riders on the Storm ~ The Doors

'Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Into this house we're born
Into this world we're thrown
Like a dog without a bone
An actor out alone
Riders on the storm'

and I forgot that...

i was one of the 'chosen' ones ~ duh.... the expectations that are placed on you should you leave this small town ~ that very much resembles the shire if you are a LOTR fan ~ are huge and i don't measure up, which again is not at all a cry for love from those that do in fact love and know me ~ what i mean is that no one leaves this small town not really anyway so if you do when you come back it's almost like you are in fact Frodo or Sam and all want to hear about this BIG life when the reality is i haven't been on some great quest to destroy a ring... i have no epic tales to tell ~ life is the same it's just where you chose to live it ~ my daily hassles don't involve shoveling snow or dirt road ditches or loose cows 'cause one didn't cross with the rest, but LA traffic to me is as much of a hassle as getting the cow in the barn is to Mr. Morse with the dairy down the road.

i guess my point... i was feeling like a bit of a failure last night 'cause i don't have any great adventures to speak of, but my trip to Palm Springs to play in the desert with friends and see Pat... is equivalent in prospective to Cindy and Chad camping at Mt. Washington and riding the alpine slide ~ sorry to those that thought life in LA means that i lunch on Sunset with Chris and Kate or that i shop with Drew on Rodeo... i don't ~ i've been to both places i'm not impressed much so i stay closer to home and grab orders 'to go' from Corrales and shop at Old Navy it just makes sense even though it may not be all that exciting

in other news... for my babies the adventures continue today it was Friendly's ice cream sundaes and driving around in the loudest, hardest, COOLEST thunderstorm they have ever witnessed

'i bless the hard rain that came to free my soul...' ~ Gypsy Wild by Bleu Edmondson and Rusty Weir

felt that today for sure

I'm not one to be...

all Sally in a restaurant ~ you remember the movie 'i want mayo but on the side' and you know that kind of person I'm talking about takes an item from the menu and doctor's it up until it really is nothing like what it reads on the menu. Well after the last few days I have a whole new appreciation for not being that person. Did you even know that you could in fact choose between a male and female lobster ~ huh? Seriously you can tell the difference... i don't know...

Here is what I do know... it's on the menu that way... it's in the computer that way... the chef's prep'd it that way... just order it that way or stay home... and fix it yourself or try Burger King they advertise that they will make it your way ~ I'm new and slow and not at all comfortable yet... so have patience, order what's on the menu, as it's on the menu ~ You do that... and I promise to not trip and spill your drink order on you 'cause I'm so flustered I missed the little step down into the dining area. We'll get along just fine!

Sorry if I've offended anyone I love... you know just venting here training for the new job has opened up my eyes to a whole new world its nothing personal at all!

And of course... I have a song that runs through my mind....

'Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it...'

by The Killers

i only feel old...

here... where life hasn't changed much really yet so much has. Its our babies running around in the background at the softball game, yes it's been 15 years since we graduated give or take a few depending on who I'm chatting with ~ 'Where am I from?' well here actually ~ I know I don't look it or sound it but I left almost as long as ago now as I was here originally. The children I used to babysit for are now adults some even with their own kids some just now off in the world. That's the only downside so far ~ not that I feel my age as much as it's presented to me and not as easily ignored.

Our kids, those in my circle here that is again complete with my return as I'm truly the only one who left ~ how fun to watch them all pick up and just go like not two years has past since they've seen my babies but in their minds less than hours maybe. AND FEARLESS ~ apparently there really aren't snakes hiding in the big overgrown field that our parents warned us about because our kids have trampled all through it on their adventures and lived to tell us about them.

It's only been three days and I've been thanked by both of my babies... Jordan ~ 'Mama... it's already the best summer of my life...' Jake 'Thank you so much for bringing me to the forrest...'

Exhale ~ Good Decision

OHHHH and after a year ~ I got my CCRW dvd back YAYAYAYA!!! That made me happy last night as I feel asleep to Cody singing...

'I think God - He's an understanding man
But I don't think that's part of His plan
Cause He wants us all to live in harmony
Take care of one another when we need
So if you want to rant and rave, murder and corrupt
Stay away from the ones that I love'

Carry You Home ~ Cross Canadian Ragweed

won't you tie my boat...

to a tree on your island... i just might stay here awhile 'cause the weather has been rough and the travelin's been rocky ~ oh but you calm the waters with your smile... i said Lord you can calm the waters with your smile ~ and he does ladies and gentlemen... and he does ~ Stoney Larue covering The Great Divide's Tie My Boat 7/23/04 at The Sidecar Pub in Houston

more than any other lyric or recording of anything in my life that right there has held my hand, picked me up and walked with me through some stuff ~ i'm gonna cradle in it for the next couple of days I think.

random thought... fear is a funny thing... and what i fear is silly and never translates well ~ it wasn't you i was afraid of... it's me and your reactioin to me and if i could hide the way i can normally ~ apparently i did well although some saw through me but i trust them... anyway my point yes absolutely my goal ~ everyday... i don't care ~ good days... grumbly days... sad days... mad days.... sky high happy days... bring it all 'cause i can handle it, i'm not afraid anymore i do in fact believe you ~ so can we stop that arguement now... i will NO MORE doubting days i promise

you think you've grown up...

then you have a moment and realize... nope still a bratty seven year old who picks a fight with her best friend just before the end of the school year 'cause it's summer and you won't see her everyday so might just as well be mad 'cause in my twisted head ~ it'll be easier, you won't miss each other and the summer will go by faster 'til the moment when the first day of school you see each other and race for the seat next to each other because you just don't even remember what you argued about....

that's where i am right now ~ in this crazy head of mine that never stops ~48 hours from leaving the sterile sanctity of this place where I hide... going to the place I hide from... where I learned the hard way that sharing blood and life lines does not automatically translate to love and acceptance... 48 hours from going to what feels like even farther from where I want to be and terrified of being forgotten by those that i love the most and that taught me that i'm ok... i know it's all irrational but you know from the phone calls this week not so much really.

I don't know where I came from ~ I don't recognize any of me there at all in that place that I was born and raised ~ is it because I left and actually grew up and learned the important life lessons elsewhere?

all i really know for sure... is this is again a choice for my babies that is in their best interest ~ i'm gonna make the best of it but for myself i'm not happy about it... so if i'm being whiney and bratty ~ i'm seven right now and at seven i didn't love the summer....

Clay Pigeons ~ Blaze Foley

'I'm tired of running around looking for answers to questions that I already know
I could build me a castle of memories just to have somewhere to go
count the days and the nights that it takes to get back in the saddle again
feed the pigeons some clay turn night into day
start talkin again, when i know what to say...'

so thankful for the gift of that song today...

and as I was finishing this blog my meg called ~ said just what I needed to hear to feel not so alone, thank you for that my friend...

Willie and Rob...

it's like the New York Super Fudge Chunk BUT...
you shake your booty instead of adding to it ~

Maria (Shut Up and Kiss Me) 

Willie Nelson and Rob Thomas (remember he keeps me sane)

That's my favorite part, rewind my life on
when my world got dark, and you turned my light on
I've  watched it for hours again and again in my head
I did
see I was down on you, more than I needed to be
I'd say I'm sorry but then you'd think I'm lyin'

Maria, shut up and kiss me
stop shakin', stand up and hold me
I bet you're gonna miss me ~ you need me ~ believe me

Maria shut up and kiss me
you're crazy and it turns me on and on
the way you're carryin' on

that's my favorite shirt, you always had on
man, it sure looked good, every time you walked on
you're takin' the wind from me every chance that you could
you're good
somethin' I can't explain
you tell me lately I've changed
if you feel better tell me why are you cryin'?

Maria, Maria can we talk it over instead?
let's call it even and leave it alone
come to bed

Maria, stop leavin' your teasin' is beaten me down
Maria just calm down
in these situations I've found it's best not to be proud
and say that you're sorry

Maria, shut up and kiss me
stop shakin', stand up and hold me
I bet you're gonna miss me. You need me. Believe me

Maria shut up and kiss me
you're crazy and it turns me on and on
the way you're carryin' on.

and it turns me on and on.
on and on
on and on
and it turns me on and on.
on and on
on and on
on and on and on and on......

I will be singing the praises of iPod's for a bit now...
but was seriously down ~ 'til the music Gods pulled this one
out of the 506 currently available to them ~ many thanks  and praises...

iPod Hell...

i had lived there for too long ~ almost 24 hours ~ Gotta tell you now that I've got it all figured out yup Gage is right it is the greatest thing EVER.

So I'm going to the woods... seriously for too long on Monday, but NOW I can bring 1000 of my most important songs with me and I'll be ok ~ I even have this little transmitter that allows me to play it over a normal radio. Bought it for the car specifically... however it works in my house on my receiver... and it's brilliant... very happy with this whole deal

So I have almost 300 songs on it so far and today for other reasons has just been one of constant angst on not nearly enough sleep. I get back from an errand and *sigh* The Pretenders and a song perfect for what I need to say to that one that I love and am hurting for today. I don't know what to say to help, I can't physically be there for a shoulder or a hug or to hold a hand ~ but I offer all those things and they are there always, forever as promised... your promise of forever is the only one I do believe in for some reason and I know that makes you happy me stating that outloud so to speak.

It got particularly ugly this afternoon and it makes me wonder why people have to just be mean. It's not blatant and most may not even notice, but if all is truly well enough I believe it should in fact be left alone. I don't have it in me at all to be mean not even to those that have hurt me the most. I find myself always trying and making excuses for their bad behavior. Because I want to believe in the good and the potential for good in everyone...

Here you go.... my promise back to you ~ I'll Stand By You

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
’cause I’ve seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

So if you’re mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you
When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
’cause even if you’re wrong

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You’re feeling all alone
You won’t be on your own

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

because Heather asked...

Tag, your it
Three screen names you have had:

Jordan419
Jknjrdnzmom
TxmusicfaninCA

Three things you like about yourself:

I'm a dork ~ the good kind
When I say I love you ~ I mean it
I can make grumpy people smile

Three things you dont like about yourself:

My inability to talk to my mom
I hide what I want too much
I procrastinate

Three things that scare you:

Being forgotten
The death of those that remind me to how to breathe
My children in any kind of pain

Three of your daily essentials:

Music
Love from my babies
Sparkling Water

Three things you are wearing right now:

Charm Bracelet
White Robe
Glasses

Three of your favorite songs:

Carry On ~ Pat Green
Little Bit Crazy ~ Bleu Edmondson
Empty Glass ~ Stoney or Randy perfoming originally by Gary Stewart

Three new things you would like to try in the next 12 months:

Maybe removing a layer of bricks from the wall
A Lonestar dangit... five trips in a year and still not had one
To say something of value to Stoney

Three things you want in a relationship:

Friendship
Laughter
Understanding


Three things you cant do without:

My babies
MUSIC
the next adventure

Three places you would like to go on vacation:

Switzerland ~ Interlaken with my kids have to do this
Chichén Itzá
Sky Diving over the Grand Canyon


Three kids names:

Jordan
Jake
and to be determined... he/she will be my new neice or nephew born in August


Three things you just cant do:

Touch my tongue to my nose
Sit still for too long ~ like three years and i'm bored ready to move on
Quiet my mind

Three things you want to do before you die:

See my children happy adults
Go to the Grand Ole Opry ~ to watch one of 'ours' get inducted
Feel true Peace

Three celebrity crushes:

ORLANDO BLOOM
Jamie Fox
Benicio del Toro

Three people you nominate to complete this exercise:
Jocelyn ~ yup i'm a bitch
Meg
Gage

Two Fun things...

apparently I'm an Angel... bwahahahaha... not so much but ok... what are you?

You scored as Angel. Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel.


What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!)

AND if you read this blog... please do the following ~

List five songs that you are currently digging ... it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words or even if they're any good but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post the artist and the songs in comments...

my five... oh dear this will be hard maybe...

1. Collide ~ Howie Day
2. Calling You ~ Blue October
3. The Night is Over ~ Brandon Jones
4. Empty Glass ~ Stoney Larue
5. Surface ~ SouthFM

ok not so hard after all...

so today's lyrics... from Surface by SouthFM

"can we ever take the chance to see what happens
what we really want we fail to mention

these are not the words that i would like to be saying to you
be saying to you
and i hope that in the morning you will feel the same
way that i do

i wish you'd wake up ~ cause i need to talk to you
i wish you would wake up before we let this go ..."

here you go...

a dream come true for me... and my baby girl...



i know... so many of you have seen it already ~ but as a mom and a life long music lover this picture is truly a moment incomparable

the love i have for my girl and the passion and admiration that she and i share for that man and his music, for her to finally be able to have the moments last night that she had i'm struggling for the words

when I was nine years old my parents had decided that my seven year old sister and i were finally old enough to go to our first concert and it was going to be amazing ~ Harry Chapin ~ he was just about the only thing that we listened to in our house and we just adored his music... my sister and i were so excited... a week before our show he was killed in a car accident

so last night... my nine year old daughter got to see Pat Green in concert... she got to have a hat and tee shirt signed... and had that beautiful picture taken ~ and i got a piece of me that i just never thought would heal... made right again

'i'm okay... i'm alright... OH CARRY ON... ' ~ Pat Green

We may be...

in our *choke* mid 30's but the reality is still.... given a 'night off' we are 16 and silly. I love that! It's nice to walk in and have the 'boys' look at us and that smile of recognition and then first break there are hugs and smooches and quick conversations 'cause there is never enough time. Is it me or did they play a little better after they knew for sure someone was really listening? They are no different either.... in their 30s... 40s... 50s even, yet they take the stage and do the thing that holds on to their youth so unlike their day jobs at the the power plant or garage.

I am grateful that no matter how silly we get under that there is something that keeps us all from totally losing our grip. That's the maturity factor that separates us from when we were in fact 16.

we have a few that they throw out to us... this one fits best today

Cherry Bomb ~ John Mellancamp

'Seventeen has turned thirty-five
I´m surprised that we´re still livin´
if we´ve done any wrong
I hope that we´re forgiven
Got a few kids on my own
And some days I still don´t know
What to do
I hope that they´re not laughtin´ too
Loud, when they hear me talkin´ like this to you

That´s when sport was a sport
And groovin´ was groovin´
and dancin´ meant everything
We were young and we were improvin´
laughtin´ laughtin´ with our friends
Holding hands meant so much baby
Outside the club cherry bomb
Where our hearts were really thumpin´
say yeah yeah yeah
Say yeah yeah yeah'

I just wanted to see a show...

granted like a pinnacle of sorts in my world... Pat Green IN Texas. I was gonna be home, alone, sad, missing my babies... what else did I have to do anyway. SURE I'm in... and with that decision... life as I once knew it has never been the same.

I remember the anticipation on the plane ride... my seat mate who has become a friend ~ thank the Lord for his patience 'cause I just didn't shut up at all. I remember my first glimpse of Austin from the air and just being blown away by the beauty. I remember trembling on the sidewalk, puffing away on a cigarette waiting for my ride to pick me up. I remember hugs... real ones that felt like they were holding me together and if they let go too soon... i would fall into a thousand pieces right there. I remember not a minute of awkward silence all weekend. I remember EVERYTHING....

That weekend I went to see a show and I found a life. A real one, where I can be me. So I've gone back a few times. I now have made friends ~ these people they define what it means to be a friend to someone. I am at my best when I am a reflection of the love that they give me. They get what I need from a friend and rise to the occasion because I have come to realize over the years and many failed attempts I perhaps expect too much from someone that calls me a friend. One even ventured to call me their best friend... a term I had abandoned because of being disappointed too many times in the past. Well no disappointments this time around. I haven't felt alone once and that for me is the biggest and BEST ever. Up until now, every relationship I have had, has been a disappointment. Mostly because I gave... and gave... and people took and took... and there wasn't much given back. I'm not proud of that at all or trying to toot my own horn, that was a very hard conclusion to come too.

SO ~ exhale... now I know its there, the 'brass ring' that I've heard about so often and even helped others reach for themselves. I never thought there was in fact one for me. There is and the fact that I want to reach for it makes me feel more selfish than I have ever felt before in my life. This is new for me, wanting something for me. Something this big and real. I've defended it so hard this past year, started to doubt the reality myself even, thinking I made it out to be more than it was. Could a place that accepted me ~ No apologies, few compromises of self, a family ~ UNCONDITIONAL LOVE ~ truly exist? Yes it does and I feel fortunate everyday to have found it.

I don't believe in regrets, but I know that if I can't find a way to make this work, something I've never had of my own before... a dream ~ I will regret that for the rest of my days. So for those that saw my light and encouraged it to shine...

It's Your Song ~ Performed by Garth Brooks... written by Benita Hill and Pam Wolfe

'Then you reached into my heart
and you found the melody
and if there ever was somebody
who made me believe in me...
it was you... it was you'

Careful what you wish for...

you truly do not know what might be sacrificed in order for your end result to materialize. I'm at a crossroads... don't like either path right now. I know that either one of them will eventually lead where I need to go, but the first 3/4 of each are just not pleasant. And the events that have brought me here make my heart heavy for some that I love.

Well, about to do some painful growing I suspect. If you have chosen to walk with me on that course I laid out a bit ago, I promise I will whine, I will cry, I will not be fun most of the time ~ I grant full permission to use whatever means necessary to help keep me focused on the last 1/4 of the path that will feel like Christmas Day filled with live music and smores compared to the first part of the journey. Thank you in advance for what we are about to go through and for helping me get there.

Somewhere I Belong ~ Linkin Park

'I will never know myself until I do this on my own
and I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything 'til I break away from me
and I will break away
I'll find myself today

I want to heal
I want to feel like I'm
somewhere I belong...'

With one mouse click..

it's done ~ said I wasn't playing... and I meant it. For anyone else that cares ~ send me an email or a private message and I'll get the new digits to you ~ otherwise... exhaling really long and slowly right now...

'scars are souvenirs you never lose... the past is never far'

Name ~ Goo Goo Dolls

I can not imagine...

ever being so confident in myself that I would call someone that flat out rejected me... in no uncertain terms... more times than I can count on one hand... expecting the answer to change. I understand that in the past my resolve was not as strong and I had given in. Newsflash... I am NOT about to do anything that 'crazy' ever again and I am not playing hard to get. You can NOT have me any part of me ~ I am not playing at all in fact. I answer the phone out of respect of a friendship that was for seven year very important in my life ~ you disgrace that with every phone call. I am not going to say that I won't answer ~ I have said that in the past and I suk at that ask Joc or Gage. I will say that the answer will not change and I can in fact make things very ugly for you and those that you claim to love and care about. I had hoped at one time that we could be friends, that can't be and it hurts and makes me sad. I will however be ok, I am OK. So time to move forward...

I took the frustration of this situation out on the wrong person which I'm not proud of. You know who you are... I have apologized and when you are ready you know how to reach me. You didn't really need my garbage on your plate and I had promised that I wouldn't do that and there I was dumping like crazy. I am in fact one you can count on.... and again my apologies

OK ~ MY GOOD NEWS TODAY ~ The Birdcage on DVD $7.50... seriously that's the deal of the year!!!

my new favorite song... The Night is Over ~ Brandon Jones

'Life on the road is wearing me down
and I feel lost to the world but with you I'm found...'

a few random ideas.....

if you mow the lawn barefoot... which may in itself be a bad idea ~ pedicure after NOT before
yard work with my four year old is much more fun than without him
i need more sleep than i think ~ i was GRUMPY without it ~ but hid it well
Deadbirds ~ SUX ~ PERIOD... trust me
I don't need a hamburger ~ but I appreciate the love behind the suggestion
Stoney x 4 is a GREAT idea ~ gotta make that happen
and once again I am the last to realize something that apparently was clear to a few others ~ for someone as introspective as I can be the obvious eludes me every time....

peace... love & LaRue

'Waking up means feeling good and I thank you...' ~ Finelines by Stoney LaRue

Can't possibly pick...

one favorite. Thought I could even said it today '.... is my favorite band.' Well while I love them and some days they are, other days another steps up and I am reminded why I love them. I just had a random cd on and *sigh* Dave Matthews... oh right love them TOO...

I've always called Dave Matthews Band my 'ear candy' ~ do you get that? It's like so much great stuff and then lyrics that are fresh and original and yeah ~ "the space between the bullets in our fire fight is where I'll be hiding waiting for you...' I LOVE THAT... and they do things with their lyrics like that all the time... and musically, I'm typically a lyrics fiend, they have to fit with the music but seriously the right words can make the music better for me. The beauty of a DMB song is that it's all great and there is so much... the bass intro on Crush... the flute in Say Goodbye... I could go on and on... just love Dave Matthews Band. (oh and I've broke my own rule a few times now... what the hell that's the beauty of rules and I have no discipline in my life so it works...)

so a few that I think are just great... several from DMB

'When we make our passion pictures
You and me twist up secret creatures' ~ Say Goodbye

'Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain' ~ Two Step

'Just love will open our eyes
Just love will put the hope in our minds' ~ Pig

'Are you looking for answers, to questions under the stars?
If along the way you are growing weary,
you can rest with me until a brighter day' ~ Where Are You Going

To be inside my head...

would truly terrify most people that I know. Thank the Lord that I have the ability to filter my thoughts from most of the world and only let out the parts that make me look like I'm not in fact 'miles from sane'.

I spent last weekend with those that keep me sane. They are the ones that have held me together during the hardest period of time in my life. I know they know ~ without words exchanged about the importance that they hold in my life.

Yet for me that's not enough and the quandry is that there are no words. Not the right ones, not the ones that feel like they truly encompass the gratitude, the importance and the love that I feel for them. So that means I usually end up trying too hard and looking needy ~ which I am but not at the same time. Just know if I came across that way, it's not because I don't believe in you..... I truly do, but it's because I doubt everything and second guess... and third and fourth even... everything. Yes I do in fact think too much. If I let you see this about me it because I do trust that you are with me forever no matter what....

my lyrics for you all... the whole song 'cause you can't break it up and it's all there...

Quiet Mind ~ Blue October....

A slow strangle with my feet on the floor
I've got 14 angels and we're sleeping alone
in the back of a cave where the rest of us go to feel normal

I call baby up leave me alone
I'm in pain but I won't let you band aid the wound
I'm mad at a stage where I can't even handle my own

Give me a quiet mind and I, I love you
You give me a quiet mind and I, I'll love you
Until the end

Give me strength to be kind
to combine all the good things in life
that were so hard to find but I have
and I won't let them go like I do with my friends

still hearing voices from front, from behind
they're the reason I choose when to live, how to die
when to cast, when to reel
when to buy, when to steal
and when to fiend for the friends
that taught me being inappropriate will...

Give me a quiet mind and I, I love you
you give me a quiet mind and I, I'll love you
until the end...

thank you for that...

Best Bumper Sticker...

I've seen in awhile... 'People make plans... God laughs... wing it!'

There you go!

and I'll leave you with these lyrics 'cause they are brilliant....

Mary ~ by Jason Boland

I know I said I'd be alright
well it's just gonna take a little while
I've tried to wait with the patience of Job
It's like busting out of prison using a broken file
To each his own and so on
I think each of us we might own the wrong one
Yeah there might have been some cause to cry
I was just trying to have some fun

Yeah Mary save me 'cause I'm sinking
oh won't you please throw me a line
Mary save me 'cause I'm sinking
Mary I'm running out of time....

I told the biggest...

truth of my life today. Not that I am prone to lying, but when it comes to things that I really want, I try to push it way ~ a friend said that I don't 'take my place in line... that I let people cut in front' and that I should stop doing that. Well I certainly did that today by my standards anyway.

I am really terrified about the ramifications with doing that. But someone said and I believe that we can't feel badly about not getting what we don't ask for. Things were going adrift and it wasn't ok with me, I tried to pretend that it was ~ umm not so much really.

It's been such a crazy up and down day all over the place for me and for a friend so...

Can't Slow Down ~ Randy Rogers

Cause there’s highs  and there’s lows
This rollercoaster’s out of control
I can’t tell the sky from the ground
It’s wrong, but it’s right
It’s gonna be another long night
I see the lights of the next town
And I can’t slow down