For my firestarter...

"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into a flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light." ~ Albert Schweitzer

you did this for me when there wasn't but a tiny glowing ash... now you can fan the fire into an out of control blaze... i wouldn't be half of who i am right now if you weren't there everyday checkin' in makin' sure all is ok and when it wasn't listening and doing what you could to make it better than ok

i won't let you leave me ever... no one leaves... PERIOD

'Well hello again my angel
i'm glad your finally home
thank God you got your senses
when i took leave of my own...' ~ Always by Charlie Robison

thank you for wanting the best for me and wanting no more pain for me forever...

Not at all shocking...

Your Heart Is Green

Love completes you, but that doesn't mean you seek it out. When love comes your way, you integrate it peacefully into the rest of you life. Your flirting style: Laid back Your lucky first date: Walking around aimlessly and talking Your dream lover: Is both enthusiastic and calm What you bring to relationships: Balance

What Color Heart Do You Have?

Promise of Super Glue...

he keeps it in his pocket and will use it for me on those all too frequent days when my world is in pieces around me... that doesn't suk

"You know there are fours words I need to hear before I go to sleep. Four little words. "Good night sweet girl." That's all it takes. I'm easy, I know, but a guy who can muster up those four words is a guy I want to stay with." ~ Andera from Beautiful Girls which is one of the best movies ever...

anyway we all have something... that little thing that is all we are truly looking for my words... there aren't four but two and it goes back to something i said here awhile back about always wanting my truck to be more comfortable than my couch... my words 'Drive Saft' ~ i have that... without ever mentioning it and the first time he said it i got that heart flutter... big smile feeling... 'cause truly he gets it

one of the best scenes from a movie... ever and just because if you think about Beautiful Girls you just start singing this if you've seen the movie anyway...


'hands... touching hands... reaching out
Touching me... touching you
oh, sweet Caroline
good times never seem so good
I've been inclined to believe it never would...' ~ Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond

Something to strive for...

i love football movies ~ Rudy is number 1 and Friday Night Lights is a close 2nd and i've been watching it a lot these days...

'Being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there. It's not about winning. It's about you and your relationship with yourself, your family and your friends. Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didnt let them down because you told them the truth. And that truth is you did everything you could. There wasnt one more thing you could've done. Can you live in that moment as best you can, with clear eyes, and love in your heart, with joy in your heart? If you can do that gentleman - you're perfect! ~ Coach Gary Gaines from Friday Night Lights

i believe in Soul Tribes...

i found this and since someone else has said what i mostly feel...

"I have no answers; however, I do have a theory of my own. I have a friend who introduced me to the theory of a soul tribe. To her, there are many people who have important connections to us, karmic connections, if you prefer to use that term. To her, these people constitute our soul tribe.

In adapting this idea, I feel that we can have what the popular press seems to call or identify as a soulmate relationship with many different persons who are in our soul tribe. Perhaps in a lifetime, we may run into five, ten, or twenty different persons who are members of our soul tribe, and, under the right circumstances, we could have an intense, karmic, soul-shattering relationship with any one of them, or, with several of them, in some cases." ~ by Nina Lee Braden

and i'll elaborate on that to say also that members in my Soul Tribe are not exclusively of the opposite sex... they are mostly the people that have walked with me on this path of life and they understand me in ways that few do... they have seen me at my most vulnerable and know the place that i am at because for the most part we have all been there together... the promise of forever from the ones that are in my 'soul tribe' are true and real and more importantly unspoken because we just know that we are always connected by something stronger than us... we were brought together by the most random of circumstances which leads me to believe without question that there were higher forces working for us to be sure that we all found the ones that we needed to hold our hands and sometimes our fragile hearts even

Outside influences don't matter...

when the demons that you battle are in your own head... i know how lucky i am in so many aspects of my life without question ~ but sometimes my little voice that is mostly on mute these days rages very loud and then i can't get out of my own way and i am back to tripping over the air in the room again... i really don't like days like these

'...spilled her coffee broke a shoelace
smeared the lipstick on her face
slammed the door and said i’m sorry, i
i had a bad day again

and she swears there’s nothing wrong
i hear her playing that same old song
she puts me up and puts me on
i had a bad day again...' ~ Bad Day by Fuel

a little Texas in Vermont...

i went to the train station and picked some up yesterday ~ this is going to be fun... my babies are just thrilled ~ to the point that they have temporarily lost their minds but that will pass as the initial excitement fades...

mostly i don't feel like i can do much for anyone that i truly love these days... i'm glad that i can do this ~ give a friend a place to call home for awhile until the next phase of his life begins... yup it's cold outside but i can keep the fire going and throw an extra blanket on the spare bed... Steve and Barry's has the best deal on warm clothes... good stuff 7.98 for everything GREAT bargains

when he leaves he'll go off to fight the fight... or support those that are fighting it anyway... that worries me a bit but i think he feels like he's been fighting a losing battle most days at least this will feel more productive and it's definetly honorable...

oh and do you know what is my good news just about everyday ~ hearing a smile over the phone and knowing that the reason for the smile is me

oh and my song...

she's like mashed potatoes and gravy...

Here Comes the Sun ~ written by George Harrison and performed perfectly by Nina Simone

'Here comes the sun, little darlin'... here comes the sun...

I say ~ it’s all right... it's alright...

Here comes the sun little darlin... here comes the sun i say... it's alright... it's alright... mmmmm

Little darling, it’s been a long cold and lonely winter little darling, it feels like years since you've been here.... here comes the sun, little darlin' here comes the sun... I say it’s all right... it's alright

Little darling, the smile will return to the faces now... little darling, it seems like years since you've been here little darlin... it's been a long cold lonely winter... little darlin feels like years since you've been here... here comes the sun, here comes the sun ~ i'm glad to see it... i say... it's alright

Here comes the sun... little darlin'... i say... it's alright

Little darling, here come's the sun... here comes the sun... i say little darlin'... it seems like years since you've been here... little darlin' here comes the sun... baby it's alright... you can come all night now... it's alright now... you can come all night now... it's alright... here come's the sun...'

sigh... ok i'm full and comforted and will sleep well now...

Unfounded insecurities...

i have a ton of them... but i talked to the one who has been in exactly my shoes... the one who i learned how to be a grown up from... and she assured me today that it's all going to be better than ok even and no matter what she will stand with me still as always through it all ~ to have friends like that is a blessing

so i'm just gonna keep going with this 'cause if all goes as promised we are all going to be so much better off in the long run and i'm going to believe God today that he knows where i have been and where i want to be and he will in fact always make certain i am on the right path... it has to be right because it has been surprising and unexpected and true

more proof i'm doing something right...

'Mama... President Lincoln is my favorite president because he signed the emancipation proclamation and that was a good thing 'cause now my friend Girlie can go to our school.' ~ Girlie is my daughter's friend who happens to be Filipino. She gets it... oh and she has most of Mr. King's 'I Have A Dream...' Speech memorized and that makes me very VERY proud...

'I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.' ~ Martin Luther King

it's funny how...

what seems to some as sudden to me feels like it took forever and FINALLY... things are as they should be... that's why it's easy for me to use phrases like 'happily ever after' and 'forever'

Is This Love ~ Bob Marley

'...i'm willing and able
so i throw my cards on your table
see i wanna love you, i wanna love and treat
you right, i wanna love you, every day and every night
we'll be together, with a roof right over our heads
we'll share the shelter, of my single bed
we'll share the same room, JAH provide the bread...'

History Lessons...

i don't need any thank you very much ~ i was in fact there living every moment... i did try very VERY hard to make you happy... you weren't i don't know that you ever will be

i however am happy and for some reason that frightens you ~ frightens you so much that you decide i need a history lesson... and while i'm sure my recount of history would be skewed ~ you have to know that yours is and i really don't even like going back over it... i am not a throw something back in someone's face kind of person... i'm much more the type who likes to move forward and not look back all the time

so i think you need to turnaround and look out ahead of you at all the possibilities that are out there for you... happy is a really great thing to feel and place to be ~ i believe God today that you will find your own happiness

I Feel Home ~ OAR... just love this song

'...I feel home when I see the faces that remember my own
I feel home when I'm chillin outside with the people I know
I feel home, and that's just what I feel
my home to me is reality and all I need is something real
my home to me is the only reality I have left, I need something real, that’s why I go home...'

Basketball and Jordan...

together again in a sense ~ my Jordan had her first game today and they won 25-15 ~ and they really are more together and look more like a team than i would have ever thought... i'm very proud of my girl she did well... she scored four points and is quite the defender ~ being a head and a half taller than just about everyone else gives her quite the advantage there... it was pretty great to have my pop and my grandparents at the game too... such a proud mommy day

and other life things ~ while locations currently suk ~ couldn't be more perfect i don't think... i definetly talk too much... which apparently doesn't seem to bother him... and i don't always have to finish my thoughts 'cause he gets it... and that's refreshing and terrifing ~ see now i have something to lose and it's a lot... it's twenty plus years of a very important friendship... it's the soft place to fall that has been elluding me most of my life... it's a lot of things that i never thought that i would ever find or have with someone ~ i really don't want to screw this up

it's a Walt Wilkins kind of day for me... 'cause i'm grateful for all the beautiful... amazing things in my life ~ and no one gets that like Walt...

'If It Weren't For You'

'i talk too much... sometimes i drink too much
and in another light i get by on a stranger's touch
i broke some hearts and i was broken too
and i guess i still will be if it weren't for you...

i've been known to shout about things i know nothing about
i let stuff slip off my tongue that should never get out
spent a thousand nights feeling born to lose
and i still might believe it if it weren't for you...'

Trust...

i trust people... too quickly sometimes... too easily most times... and for a long while my judgement was way off

and is this something i want to change ~ NO

well wait the judgement thing... i'm better at that now ~ not that i'm about to sit on some imaginery thrown and cast stones or any thing like that just that my vision is clear again... my feet are firmly on the ground and i'm not feeling so vulnerable this will allow me to have a much better filter for who i let in ~ for awhile i was in such a desperate state that who i associated with and the situations i put myself in were not necessarily the best

done with that now ~ i got burned ~ so i have applied some salve... but i still feel the sting and it's another one of those scars to remind me of poor choices made that need not be repeated

but trusting people... i always want to start off with trust truly believing that i can trust people i mean isn't that a given... or shouldn't it be ~ i don't want to live my life thinking everyone i meet is out to hurt me ~ i generally believe that we are all here to help each other on our journey and that everyone has their purpose for whatever length of time they are with you on your path ~ sometimes that purpose is positive and sometimes it's a lesson that provides you with a valuable tool for the next time

when i picked myself up and dusted myself off... the phone rang and i liked what i heard and felt safe to share what i was feeling about the situation... its nice to have someone that truly wants me to lean on them and to test that in a sense and not fall over

dancin'... singin'... and listenin' to my funky hippie happy love music again ~ my little man loves to dance especially to DMB... and how can you not... it just makes you want to move

Everyday ~ Dave Matthews Band

'...pick me up love from the bottom
up onto the top love everyday
pay no mind to taunts or advances
i’m gonna take my chances everyday

left to right
up and up and inside out right
good love fight for everyday...'

Reflections

i just spent most of the morning re-reading my blog entries... good lord i'm crazy but not more than most i don't think ~ it's funny to read what i have learned this year and some were lessons that were worth re-learning and some where nice reminders of why life is the way it is today

some of what i had once felt has changed and some is as solid in my life as ever ~ i'm grateful today for both

i was a huge skeptic when i started this blog... but it has been probably the best therapy i've ever had and it may one day be my '... Notebook' that someone reads to bring me back from the scary dark places... if you have followed this i hope that you have gotten something from it... a tidbit of wisdom... a smile... a giggle... whatever ~ i enjoy this more than i ever thought that i would and so it will continue and i'm sure it will be as random as always now having said that...

ending the season 14-2 sets us up brilliantly for the playoffs... i want this for us so badly i can taste it... i want the damn t-shirt!

love this song right now... Mosh ~ Eminem

'...come along follow me as i lead through the darkness
as i provide just enough spark that we need to proceed
carry on, give me hope, give me strength
come with me and i won't steer you wrong...'

Guitar Picks... Blankets... 2006

my two favorite Christmas Presents this year... the guitar pick that Stoney gave me is encased in silver and around my neck... i even got a 'That necklace is beautiful comment.' and of course i love telling the story of how it came to be mine ~ i have to hand it to my kid's dad it was extremely nice of him to pick this up for me 'cause i had semi thought it was lost forever to me when i didn't go back to California

and this blanket ~ oh my lord can i just say if you could wrap yourself in heaven it must feel like this ~ it's microsuede on one side, cheneille on the otherside and it's down filled... if you are looking for a new great blanket look for one you won't be disappointed

2006 ~ Happy New Year... and let me say as you know if you have been following along here... 2005 just not the best year... ha not even close ~ it did end on a high note and i've got a really great feeling about this year... i'm surrounded by love in my life ~ i've got amazing children... i'm excited about the new relationship i'm in... i've got incredible friends both local and not so local... i'm very rich right now in positives and that is a good way to start a new year!

my favorite song today... Feet Don't Touch the Ground ~ Brandon Jenkins (performed magically by Stoney Larue)

'...we got moonlight, all night
Lord i pray on the next star i see tonight
never lose this thing we found
you by, my side
i can do without the city lights
i fly so high when you're around
that my feet don't touch the ground...'